A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Quick check-in:
    Yesterday I started with a new subject at work. This will be a challenge because I continue doing what I did before and have a new subject on top of that. I should view that as a an opportunity to grow. Things at work are good right now. My boss gives me a lot of freedom in arranging my work.

    Exercised Monday, yesterday and today (during the lunchbreak) but it has been a long time since I've been on the water. Tomorrow I'll have a rest.

    @JD1981: Yes, I continued listening to it the last few days and it's definitely helpful.
    JD1981 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Today I had a nice little win over myself (new Luke vs. old Luke). I had a really bad night and felt tired and stressed after waking up. Initially I had planned to go to the rowing practice in the evening after work. But since I didn't feel that good I thought it would be better idea to call that off and I didn't take my sport clothes with me to work (the club is in the neighborhood of my workplace and I usually go immediately after work). Today I went home after work (25 minute walk) and when I came home I thought to myself: "Really? That's your justification to cancel the training? Because of a bad nights sleep? So you only participate in the rowing practice if you had a perfect day? Come on dude..." So I packed my stuff, walked back and had a good training with nice people.

    That's not an extraordinary accomplishment, but it's a nice little win. Not like winning the Tour de France but a stage victory in the first week.
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2019
  3. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    You crushed it Luke, way to go dude!! Mental blocks are hard to get passed but victory is yours. I’m sure it feels sweet. Oh and it sounds like you got your sweat on too, bonus. Congrats on the win. Keep the wheel turning!!!!
  4. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Thanks JD, I really appreciate the encouragement.

    After that good evening on friday for whatever reason I felt depressed and lonely yesterday. After waking up I didn't really wanted to do anything and I was lying on the couch playing Sudoku on my phone. Around noon I walked to the city to get something to eat and to hang out in the library a little bit. The city was crowded and I got annoyed by trivial things (people walking slowly, people talking shit, adverstising,...). When I went to the supermarket the cashier was very nice and smiled all the time. Not in a fake way but very genuine. And I still thought about what she would think of me and I wanted to get out of there because her friendliness for whatever reason made me uneasy. Don't know why I am like this sometimes.

    Today is a lot better though and I am more positive again.
  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I can relate to this post. For some reason I have days when I'm just gloomy and depressed and melancholic and especially lonely for no clear reason. It's even more puzzling when they come after good days when I made efforts in the right direction. I suspect the bottom line is loneliness in these kind of days.
    NewHorizon and -Luke- like this.
  6. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member


    I like how your posts give us an idea about how you are doing overall and don't focus primarily on porn (or at least this was the impression I got reading the last few pages of your topic). I know that you mentioned a counter isn't all that important to you, but if we do take the number of days into account, you're approaching two months right? That's great, I'm happy for you. I also think it's admirable that you are able to express yourself so well outside of your native language. It would be pretty difficult for me to consistently journal and adequately express what I am going through in my L2.

    Congrats on following through with rowing practice. I have a tendency to avoid activities that I know are better for my mental and cognitive health in the long run because of rationalizations I use based off mood, bad experiences, stress, laziness, uncertainty, etc. Glad you didn't do that.

    Keep up the good fight! Your progress is inspiring.
    -Luke- and Pete McVries like this.
  7. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    @NewStart19: Thank your for your kind reply. You're right, I try to focus on my life apart from the porn addiction. I think it's hard to almost impossible to beat this addiction if that's the only goal. It's important to build positive habits and a positive lifestyle. The Underdogs post had an impact on my mindest around rebooting. If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend it.

    Yes, last sunday was day 50 so today I'm at 58 days. If I want to know what day I'm at I can calculate it quickly. But not looking at a counter anymore had a positive impact on me so far. I also had some good progress with a counter in the past, but right now it doesn't feel right. There's no right or wrong approach with this.

    @Thelongwayhome27: Feelings like that sometimes come out of nowhere for me. Especially the melancholy you mentioned. I see something that reminds me of something in the past and I get sad because of that. That's my biggest challenge I guess: Letting go of the past. I just can't change it anymore.

    Today I had a good day. Didn't have a good night again. Slep for an hour, was awake for half an hour, slept for 45 minutes, was awake for half an hour,... repeat. But when I got up I felt ok. Work was good and I had a lot of contact with my colleagues. After work I exercised even though I was hungry and wanted to eat dinner immediately.
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  8. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member


    Thanks for the link. I agree with a lot of what he said. I think the main things I am weak about are points no.2 and 3 (giving urgency to my life vision, and developing an indestructible belief in myself). I have some big changes coming up, and although they will be hard, I think they will be a great vehicle to tackling no.2, which is exciting! As for number 3, this one is difficult for me because I used to be really sociopathic and narcissistic, and I am always afraid of giving more power to these parts of my personality. That being said, I understand that self-love and confidence are important and constructive, so I need to find a way to navigate this territory.

    As for spreadsheets, I totally agree, and in fact I have been using one since the beginning of this year (not just for porn use, but for other lifestyle changes as well). It's great because it helps separate me from the short-term (which I get lost in all the time) and get a more objective understanding about the bigger picture. In addition to The Underdog, I have heard other sources that deal with porn recovery mention how counters can be a double-edged sword: great when they are rising, but a reinforcing reminder of "failure" when we relapse. I still want a counter in my life, but I think I need to obsess over it less as it can unnecessarily draw my attention back to my addiction when I should really be thinking about or doing something else.

    Sorry for the long response.

    Glad you had a good day. Hopefully the sandman gives you a visit sometime soon, and you are able to get some quality sleep. Just curious, what type of exercise do you do? Please let me know if you feel comfortable talking about it.

    Take care.
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    No need to apologize. Every response is welcome.

    Rowing twice a week and Strength Training 2-3 times a week. I basically do Bodyweight Exercises for Strength Training (Pullups, Dips, Pistols, Ring Pushups, Ring Rows,...)

    Today I had an appraisal interview (I have no idea whether that's the right term. I just googled it) with my boss. It went pretty good. She was very pleased with my work. I'm glad she sees it that way because I'm a big procrastinator at work (even though I always finish my work in time in the end). In my lunch break I was rowing on the indoor rower. Good day.
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  10. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I have some trouble with sexual fantasies in the last few days. Thoughts like that appear more often and sometimes it takes me a while before I become aware of it. I have to pay more attention now. I told myself the lie of "I'll be ok if I take this just one step further. I'll have control over it" way too often.

    Yesterday after work our department made a little trip. We went hiking for 1,5 hours and had dinner afterwards. That was one of the occasions were there wasn't any sign of my social anxiety. Maybe because I was familiar with the people.

    I also realized at dinner that next month I'm two years without any alcohol. I never really enjoyed drinking and I generally don't like the taste. So two years ago I just stopped and it has been very easy. I sometimes wish giving up porn would be as easy as giving up alcohol. But it's impossible to compare the two because I'm addicted to porn and never really enjoyed alcohol.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    This is interesting. I didn't know you weren't drinking.

    You never drink at all ? Like even if you go have a beer with buddies ?

    More and more I see this alcohol no drinking thing around here. I have finally taken the decision to try stopping alcohol completely again (done it in the past for a short while). Right now I'm trying out 1 month without it. It can only help me become more in control of my compulsions, including the P habit.

    Every time I get strongly drunk these days I just know deep inside me I'm erring.
    Pete McVries and Bezoechow like this.
  12. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Yes, not one drop since September 2017. It was a gradual process. Like I said, I never realy enjoyed drinking. It was exciting when I was 16-18 but in my twenties I mostly drank because of peer pressure. I don't tolerate alcohol well and had awful hangovers even if I drank 5 or 6 beers. I always relapsed when I woke up with a hangover. No self control at all in that state.

    In September 2017 I had a few drinks at a birthday party and I felt like shit for three days afterwards. I convinced myself that it wasn't worth it anymore and I tried to stop until the end of the year (very easy). So I just continued. Nowadays I have no desire to have even one beer.

    Most people I know don't have a problem with it. Even the people I meet when I watch football. For many people watching football and drinking are inseparable. But they don't mind if I drink or not. I grew up in a more rural area and people there have a harder time to accept when somebody doesn't drink. But then I don't mind.
  13. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    The trouble with sexual fantasies remained over the last few days. It doesn't help that it's warmer again and there's more skin to see. I have to be cautious with this because it always starts this way. Fortunately I was out of house almost the whole day yesterday because I was at the soccer stadium. Tough start for my club, two games and two losses so far this season.
    Living likes this.
  14. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    What has really helped me with fantasies that remain is being aware that they fluctuate and that they will also go away again. It's not something that will always be there, you just need to hang tight for a while. Have your tried urge surfing? That might be something to look into when you're too more caught in fantasies you'd like.

    And yeah, the skin is really a problem. Yesterday I was at a festival and there was way too much skin to not have a little bit of a fantasy every 5 minutes. But then again, as long as they are fantasies we should be fine:)
    JD1981, -Luke- and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    @Living: I read about it before but I never really tried it. That I never tried it is a bit strange because I meditate daily and urge surfing sounds like of form of meditation. From past experience I know that "pushing away" a fantasy (or unwanted emotions in general) doesn't work. It may work in the short term but the memory will find it's way back.

    Thanks for the reminder!
    Living and JD1981 like this.
  16. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    My fantasies crack me up. They used to get me every time and as soon as I had the opportunity I would satisfy with porn. Fantasies are still flashing in my head but I’m a little stronger and can laugh them off. Dude some of them are quite comical and I wonder wtf. I’ve actually even played it out in my head the way they would go down in the real world and pretty much every scenario ends with me being public shamed, slapped, drink poured on my head etc.. I do wonder though do women have the same fantasies????? I’m sure... they’re just like us right just prettier. Haha. Anyway have a great day and stay strong.
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Laughing at how ridiculous, preposterous and absurd my sex fantasies are might do me quite a lot of good... thanks, @JD1981.
  18. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey everyone, long time no see. After I struggled a lot with fantasy and I started browsing risky (instagram, google image search) I decided it was ime to have a little internet sabbatical. So I didn't use the internet for the last week except for train tickets and amazon quickly. Sorry that I didn't metion it beforehand. I think I continue a bit longer with this but I allow myself a visit to YBR once daily. That's the part I missed the most when I didn't use the internet, this community.

    When you don't have the internet as distraction you realize how long a day is. I read a lot and was walking around outside a lot. While I walked along good old Rhine I thought a lot about my past. Not necessarily in terms of regret (even though regret is one of my biggest challenges when I think about the past), just a little breakdown of the last 10-15 years.

    Yesterday I thought it might be a good idea to start writing it down. Just writing down what I did in the last 10-15 years, what I didn't do, what went good, what went bad, what I tried, what helped and what didn't help. Just an honest evaluation. I wrote for an hour yesterday and an hour today and I don't think I'm even halfway through. I try to be as honest as possible and what I wrote was sometimes painful. I had tears in my eyes once or twice. But I also smiled a lot because I don't focus on the bad but also on the good things that happened. I continue tomorrow and it might take another few days.

    I'm not sure where this writing leads me. But I think I need to do this because it will help me to evaluate where to go from here. To set new goals and to have a better perspective on life. I'm not sure if it'll help but it feels that way. It's like I'm my own therapist. Therapist and client at the same time.

    Again, sorry that I was out without mentioning it here. I hope you guys had a good time.
    Living, NewStart19, nuclpow and 3 others like this.
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like great stuff @-Luke- , nice to hear from you again.
    -Luke- likes this.
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    This sounds like a very good idea.
    You don't have to apologise for that.
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2019
    -Luke- likes this.

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