A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Stand by me, The Long Walk, It, The Green Mile are a few that come to mind. I haven't read many books written by him but coincidentally, all of the ones I've read were about friendship or companionship one way or the other.
  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Rowing course again yesterday. It's a lot of fun but the technique is way more difficult than one might think. A lot of things to watch out for at the same time. But like I said: A lot of fun. I'll stay with it after the beginners course is over. Normally when I train in the evening I have difficulties falling asleep but last night I slept quite good. Today I'm strangely horny. Not that it's strange to be horny but I'm not really used to it after years of flatlining / fake porn libido / relapsing.

    Not much to report regarding the dating website. I'm not that active. The reason I signed up there was my shyness around women in real life and I thought it would be easier to meet someone online where you meet after you already talked a little bit. But recently I'm feeling more confident around women in real life. More confident around other people in general. Maybe it's because it's getting warmer and I'm just happier but it's a change.
  3. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Yesterday I found my old MP3-Player. I thought it was broken because there was some electronic trouble a while ago that prevented me from listening to music and podcasts. I bought a new one that was cheap afterwards. I don't listen to music or podcasts on my phone because I try to use my phone as seldom as possible. I get sucked in to easily when I use it for a long time. I also prefer real paper books over E-Book readers, my laptop or a tablet. When I use electronic devices for my reading I always feel distracted and and jittery. But I digress, that's not what I wanted to talk about. On that old MP3-Player I found the episodes of the old YBR radio show. Maybe some of you guys remember it. It was a project from fugu, Apeman and Jeff. None of them is active anymore in this forum. I hope they stopped posting here because they are all right and were able to leave porn behind. I was a regular listener in 2014 from the first episode. That podcast gave me so much hope and motivation back then. Yesterday a listened to the first two episodes again. I felt some melancholy and even grief at first because those times are over and I'm still here battling this addiction. But I also felt good listening to it because the feeling of motivation came back like back in the old days. I think I'll listen to the other episodes as well. Unfortunately they stopped after 14 or 15 or so. But it was good to hear those voices again and I hope the guys live a good and happy life now.

    Today before noon I was walking around in the forest for 3 hours. That always gives me a nice relaxed feeling. Should do that more often. Tomorrow there's rowing training again and I'm looking forward to it. Hope all of you have a good day!

    Hah, I just realized that this is page 10 in my journal. My old one in 2014 had only 3.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Rowing sounds fun and social enough for one's needs. And you can't help but wonder what had happened had we not lost track in the "early years." Well, it doesn't change the reality that we're still here, fighting. However, I do think that if we can invoke the feelings that we had in the beginning, we're on the right track.

    Where can these episodes be found?
  5. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Here's the shows old thread. I hope the link works. Noah Church uploaded the episodes on youtube a while ago and they still seem to work.
    Eternity and Professor Chaos like this.
  6. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Yesterday I was rowing again in the evening and for the first time it was taxing on the body. Fell asleep late last night and had a wet dream at around 4 AM. Wasn’t able to fall back asleep afterwards and expected a hard day. But until now (1:45 PM Central European Time) it didn’t really affect me. Have normal energy level and no brain fog. Maybe wet dreams don’t affect me that much anymore. In the past I always felt like after a relapse for one or at most two days. Not at all today. In general I feel quite good the last ~ two weeks.
  7. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Didn’t sleep well the last two or three days. It’s summer now and the temperature doesn’t cool down enough at nights. Sleeping when it’s hot isn’t easy for me but I think my body will adapt in the next few weeks (I hope so at least). Would like to sleep with an open window but there’s a railway line 150 meters away and it’s too loud with the window open. Next week it gets really hot. More than 35 degree Celsius. I don’t really like the hot weather, 25 degree Celsius is enough for me but I won’t complain (And while I’m writing this I know that I will complain next week ;)).

    Yesterday I was rowing again for the 5th time now. Technique is getting better.

    Summer also means less clothes and more skin. I started to fantasize more recently. I don't like that because it doesn't help me. But at the same time I don't beat myself up about it. I have to find a way to just acknowledge women's beauty and attractiveness without starting a dream scenario in my mind every time I see an attractive woman.
  8. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member


    Just dropped by to share something from the best tv series of all time.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Ok, when I came back to this forum in the beginning of the year I had sworn to myself that I would report every relapse. Unfortunately this is the case now. Was at my parents house where the restrictions I set on my own router aren't around. Thought it was a good idea to browse a little bit on instagram and twitter (I have blocked both sites on my own router). Turned out this wasn't a good idea. Big surprise.

    After my three previous relapses this year I didn't binge and I'm positive that I won't do it this time either. I've made some good progress in the last few weeks with socializing and self-confidence. Non of that progress is gone. Just going on with my life. Won't use the internet again today after this post.

    I hope all of you have a good weekend.
  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Thanks for checking in Luke. This reports are always a sobering reminder for the rest of us. Hang in there and please check in when you feel it is safe to do so. I know I find the added stress of visiting family can sometimes also be a factor. Stay strong.

  11. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the encouragement PC. Today I don't feel good because of the relapse (headaches, low energy) but nevertheless made a good day out of it. Was up early, meditated for 40 minutes and enjoyed the morning sun for a long time. Didn't use the internet until now (7:20 PM), listened to a few podcasts and reminded myself of why I'm doing this. No bingeing again.

    Yesterday my ex girlfriend got married. Five years ago or so that would've thrown me of the track but I felt nothing but hapiness for her. Did send her a text with my good wishes. Makes no sense to dwell on the past. Like Slim Charles on "The Wire" said: "The thing about the old days: They the old days." Tomorrow will be a new day and I'll try to make it a good day.
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  12. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Not easy to get enough sleep the last few days. It’s too warm in my room. But there’s no need to complain. I read that they expect up to 44 degree Celsius in Spain and South France. So in comparison it’s not too bad here.

    Despite the problematic sleep I felt quite good today and had a nice start to the day. Meditated after getting up, had a good training and sat in the morning sun for twenty minutes for breakfast. It’s a good feeling when you get something done in the morning. Got up at 6 AM and was at work around 9 AM.

    Didn't have much trouble with fantasizing this week so far. I made it a rule to look women in the eyes and only in the eyes. Anything below the neck is taboo.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  13. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    It's a little hard not to fantasize at the moment. Yesterday I was walking home (half an hour along the river) and I saw at least 20 women in a bikini along the way. At least I managed the look straight ahead after a second or two every time instead of walking around like a pervert. But yeah, it's summer.

    I still bother too much about what other people could think of me and I'm too much in my own head. Yesterday I was at the supermarket and I was standing at the checkout. The cashier was a quite good looking women I saw a few times before. Yesterday she was talking to me like a cashier does ("Hello", "Good Bye", "Have a nice weekend", "It's 21 Euros and 14 Cents") but she didn't look at me once. And I thought a lot about that in the evening. I don't know why I spent such a long time analyzing that situation instead of just going on with my life. In the end nothing really happened. Have to work an that.
  14. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    It seems a form of self-judgement. Judging yourself based on not getting a pleasant humane response from a female cashier you thought was good-looking.
  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey everyone,

    my laptop is broken since yesterday evening. Since that’s the only device I can use at home (I blocked the browser on my phone, for obvious reasons) I have access to the internet only at work (limited) and at the public library in my city. My first impulse was to buy a new laptop immediately but then I thought that a little time out from the internet at home can’t hurt. It’s hard to watch porn at work and in a public library.

    This means that I will visit the forum a little less for the next weeks, especially on the weekends. But on workdays I should manage to be here for 15-20 minutes every day.
  16. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    Maybe on some level you saw this as a rejection. Don't take it personally, maybe she had something else going on. Personal problems or just boredom due to her mundane job. Besides, the truth is you don't need validation from a pretty cashier to feel like a worthwhile individual.
  17. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I'm pretty sure you're right. I wouldn't have thought about it if it had been a guy or an older women. Thanks for your input (Joost too).

    I think the validation seeking goes deeper for me. When I was a teenager and young adult the women I was interested in ignored me und sometimes teased me because of my acne. Because of that I had really low self esteem growing up. That changed slowly but surely however. I'm more confident recently. That's the reason I found it very strange that a totally insignificant situation like this made me think.
  18. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Struggled yesterday. Not with porn cravings or something like that but with motivation in general. Didn’t meditate in the morning and didn’t get much done at work. I also had a little trouble with my landlord again. It’s time that I get out of there. Today was a lot better so far though. In two hours we have the rowing course for the last time but one. Last time we practiced with the single skull for the first time. Technically really demanding and totally different then the quadruple scull.

    Don’t have much planned for the weekend. But I think I’ll be outside a lot. Weather is really nice this week. Really sunny and not too hot. Maybe I’ll watch some Tour de France. I hope you’ll have a good weekend, too.
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I think you're rowing course was/is really a good activity. I've had similar feelings with a fitness class I have been taking. I think if it wasn't for this class I often would have binged a lot more when I "relapsed".

    Building elements like this in our lives really help out creating a structure to hold us afloat.

    I'm gonna be checking out the Tour de France as well ! Take care and have a good weekend as well.
    Kichijiro likes this.
  20. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey longwayhome, thanks for your reply. I really like rowing and I like the club. The course is almost over now but I'll join the club and will continue. The rowing club is only 3 minutes from my work place so I plan on using the weight room and indoor rowing room once or twice a week during my lunch break in addition to the normal training. I thought that crossed my mind lately was: "It's a shame that I didn't start earlier. I'm not bad at this. Maybe I could have been really good if I had started at age 14 or 15. Now I'm 32 and it's too late to be competitive". But that's a totally wrong mindset: I started a few weeks ago and that's all that matters. I started. And I'm 32 and not 87.

    Tour de France could be really exciting this year. No clear favorite for the overall standings (Well, probably Thomas is but he hadn't the best year so far). Would be great if one of the french riders (Bardet and Pinot) would win after such a long time without a french winner, but I don't think so.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.

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