A new beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by staythecourse, Oct 15, 2017.

  1. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO. Not much to report. Over a week now. The first month is insanity, so Im just in survival mode. Work, working out, church, trying not to isolate too much, and keep the head up.

    Stay the course..
  2. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    You're right, it's hard to force attraction. Totally agree. Some guys might be 100% happy with a girl who is a '4', and they might not be deluded or anything. Some people just aren't that visual in their attraction.
    You're obviously quite visual in your attraction, and that's totally ok. However, you aren't 1 dimensional, you will be attracted to other things as well. Presumably you will find someone who is kind and caring attractive. Someone with similar hobbies. Someone with a similar sense of humour to yours etc.. And you won't find out about that other stuff until at least a few dates in, and some stuff won't become apparent until months in.

    And who knows, maybe she would have been a great match for you. Or she could have destroyed you. Or been somewhere in between. But YOU DON'T KNOW THAT EITHER WAY!

    Good, so get out there and have another crack!
  3. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    A good friend today said "Let it Go! Stop talking about this girl." It just clicked. There is no more point in me discussing her. I've been engulfed in self pity and am just going to live. For now, I'm keeping life simple, going to work, hanging with friends and most importantly, staying sober.
    Thank you for not just giving me a kick in the ass, but pointing important things out. There is sooo much more than just looks.

    I have no clue what the future holds. I have to stop saying I know (be single forever), and just live. I know I'll get much healthier if I stay sober. I hope you stay sober as well.
  4. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Good to hear STC!

    As I've said before, I sympathise with you because I've been in exactly the same position (and quite recently, like 8 or 9 months ago).

    I actually just remembered something that gave me a kick up the ass. My friend was having a birthday party, and all our friends were going. One of my friends who had been single for a couple years had just started going out with someone, so I was the only single one left. So, my friend whose birthday it was, gave me a kick up the ass and said "If you don't have a date for my birthday I'm gonna give you a thump!". It gave me a really simple target, not to have a girlfriend, not to have sex, just to have a date for his birthday.

    It got me back onto online dating. I improved my profile, started messaging girls went speed dating again, and................went on a couple dates but didn't get anywhere...and went to his birthday party on my own!! BUT I had reactivated my online dating account and made it look better, a girl contacted me a couple weeks later.......and we clicked, and now she's my GF.
    So, you might try and fail but you just need to keep going.

    So, I'm going to give you a very small target - Go on ONE date with a girl you like by Christmas. She doesn't have to be The One, or a '9'. However, she has to be at least 30 years old, and you have to have at least some interest in her both physically and personally.
    If it doesn't go anywhere, so what? You'll at least have made an effort. Meet her online or in a coffee shop or wherever.
    Do you accept this Christmas Challenge??
    Fry2 likes this.
  5. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    I got invited to an end of summer party. I really wanted to go but it was all couples. I was hoping I would have gone with the girl I talked about but that didnt happen. I couldnt find any girl to go with me, and I was very depressed about it. I never went to the party and it totally sucked. It was actually a goal of mine to find a date for it.
    I did online dating and ghot sucked in. I got addicted to swiping, texting, etc. Masturbated to it 5hours a day. Fantasized. Pretended to be another person. My life went down the drain.

    Im into goal setting. In some areas of my life it has worked well. Unfortunately not with women. I'll give it a shot to hangout with a girl in her 30's in a casual social atmosphere, one on one by Christmas. Im very depressed and think I need to work on myself this month. Thank you for the push.
  6. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Sounds good. Keep us updated!
  7. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO. Just going to trudge through another day. Im glad Im not working 1,000,000 hours anymore. Its hard to just get out of depression. But it does take action. Im seeing my therapist regularly now, its somewhat helpful, Im seeing a church leader tomorrow and hopefully the head Pastor this month. These guys are all encouraging, as are you guys, but ultimately its up to me.

    Ive read a million books, seen a million youtube videos. I know online dating is a disaster for me, it ultimately turns into a porn addiction. I also know picking up girls at coffeeshops, parking lots and lots of public places have been disastrous. Luckily, when I speak to lots of people, these typically are not where they have met their life partner. And that is a goal of mine. The overwhelming advice is to do the things I love, focus on my life and let it happen. Men dont like to hear something like this, without a concrete plan, but the concrete plans have failed way too many times for me.

    Stay the course..
  8. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO. It seems my mind may slowly clear up from depression, and cloudiness.
    Ive started to see symptoms of my disease are even common amongst others who struggle:

    1) I've lost "the one."
    2) Im a loser who's going to be single my whole life.

    My mind loves to beat me up and go the self pity route. I do this in many areas of my life..but absolutely in the sex, love and fantasy area of my life. Must continue to stay sober and work towards getting healthy.

    Stay the course..
  9. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    you are absolutely not alone in that, just seems like you take the whole deal to av new level :)
  10. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    yeah..I keep going with it. Im not suicidal or anything like that, but I do wonder how much life is worth living as the single weirdo in my mind 40's. Im glad to hear Im not the only one, who on more than one occasion has felt like I lost "the one." I think men over age 35 get fearful about being single and alone but its scarier to me when I feel like I let the girl I was supposed to be with, get away.
  11. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    no, i meant that you are not alone in that you suffer a lot mentally due to the issues of women, love, sex etc. I have too and I still do

    honestly, i don't believe in "the one" at all - is she really was the one then surely you would have ended up with her, and the fact is you never even met her! This is pure inanity man, you have said it yourself

    I thought i lost the "the one" once when i was about 18. She was beautiful and so sexy, it blew me away and i couldn't handle the attraction. I met her a few times, but never dated her or slept with her. Looking back i Think she was interested, I remember once talking to her and her eyes kind of "blossomed" or pupils dilated - but i completely blew it by being over the top, getting carried away with fantasies, writing her a love letter. I sabotaged if before it even began. Sound like a familiar story to you STC?

    I would say when it comes to women, you really should question who you are attracted to, your own thinking, and your gut instincts. Just be careful man, we know you want a woman - the next step is what happens when you get a woman you really like? Can you handle that? Most relationships end. 50% of marriages fail. Can yo handle that?

    Just because we want something doesn't mean we are necessarily entitled to it, or are going to get it. I know us single/unattached guys find it difficult sometimes but i think its helpful to try find a way to find life worth living without a woman. In these modern times, a man should be able to look after himself
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2018
  12. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    That all makes sense. I agree with most of it. In regards to "the one" I was wondering if anyone else thought they had lost "the one" before. I know I havent met this girl and its crazy to say that. I dont want to refer to her anymore, so I can move on. I just meant the general concept of losing "the one." I bet its fairly common. Especially when they are knock out beautiful and cool too, and you get close to landing them.
  13. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO. I feel I am still going through physical withdrawals. Ive been fairly sick with a cold since I got sober. My system usually needs to be flushed for a good two weeks. The mental obsession starts up too. I think the overall withdrawals will go solid for 6 months. Love and fantasy addiction is pretty intense and keeps coming at you over and over unexpectedly and powerfully. Hopefully I reach some point where I break down in some massive tears..that tends to do a lot of healing.

    On a basic level I am starting to get more things done. Im doing errands and taking care of some finances. For a good month I just kicked back to masturbation all day, besides work, and my apt became a mess. Its nice to feel like Im becoming a member of society again.

    Stay the course..
    gavney likes this.
  14. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    You seem to believe that if you have x,y and z, then you'll be happy. This just isn't so. Talk to any one, look around message boards about people with a good job, wife, kids etc.. (including this one). You can still be miserable even if you have a great wife, kids, friends and job. How many times have you heard of someone who seemed to have it all commit suicide?? I know of 2 examples of people like that in my own social circle. They seemed happy, had "everything" and then, just ended it. Nobody knows why.

    I'm not saying those things won't contribute to your happiness (I'm glad to say I'm happier since meeting my GF, but I still have shit days) but you still need to get up in the morning, get some exercise, feel fulfilled in work, develop good relationships and have balance.

    So, I think you are right to continue working on yourself, but keep your eye open for a woman also, and make an effort to meet one whenever you can.
  15. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Every single person in the world has this challenge! Money is a big one for a lot people. But this is an extremely common mindset I must say. Just if I had...

    Regardless, I do it more than most with "if I have a gf everything will be ok." Ive definitely had girlfriends and sex and everything else and life has been tough. But I do find life much better with someone than without.
  16. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    This is the great irony of life. The more someone craves and desires something, the harder it seems to attain. And the more weight is put on that thing, the more unlikely it is to bring the expected happiness. This is mostly a position of taking (needing).

    I have noticed that giving means receiving. For example, I like to give kids attention, amaze them and teach them, it's my work after all. And as such I have an easy time connecting with kids. And I get a lot back from them in return.

    Same with women. I've spent a lot of time thinking about how I can be the best version of myself that women want to be with. So physically I make sure I'm in excellent shape. I make sure I have topics to talk about, know how women tend to think, what they need, how to communicate, etc. Because if I'm able to give this stuff to women, I will receive from them.

    So stc, would you be able to consider yourself a project of work, just like a business, that you shape and mold, so you can give to a woman?

    Are you willing to work on yourself to give? Being in the position of having something to give is so much different from being in a position of a guy that just desires and needs. That would mean you'd only take from a woman and that is a bad deal for her.

    All the self deprecating thoughts is background noise, you need to tune out from that.

    So view the tennis client girl as a case of valuable information. What could you have given her? What could she have needed? What could you have done differently? Once you've thought about that, take it as a valuable lesson so it brings you something and then establish what you should improve about yourself. If another opportunity comes along you will be in a better position. Either that leads to success, or a lesson which leads to improvement, which will in turn lead to success in the long run.

    Hope you'll be alright
    Londoner and gavney like this.
  17. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    yes, good point. The whole mindset needs to flip..not what can I get from the situation, but what can I give/bring to a situation. How can I be of help. Of course we all try to look our best but women like a man who is easygoing and fun, brings to their stressful lives. Someone to do something fun with. Someone who listens and asks them questions. Good point, I need to remember that.
    gavney and Thebeg like this.
  18. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO. Not a whole lot to report. Financial issues I've been trying to clear up from some really bad investments. We learn from our past.

    Long day at work, but its less than two weeks until Thanksgiving, where I have four days off. I'm looking forward to a break. I worked really hard this fall and it will be good to have some rest.

    Stay the course..
  19. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Yes, you're right, we all do!

    Anytime I'm feeling low, I often start thinking "oh, it's my job, it's unfulfilling, or it's my GF, she's not right for me", then I go for a run, or meet up with a friend, and the negative thoughts start to float away. It's funny how the mind can play tricks on us like that. Other times I think "I love my GF to bits, or I love my job". How can there be such difference in thinking about the same thing!

    I think Thebeg made some really great points. You have to give to receive. And I think the act of giving makes us more confident. If you're approaching a woman thinking about what you can provide her, it automatically makes you more confident, as you feel like you've got something to give.
    staythecourse likes this.
  20. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO. Going to a mens church breakfast. Look forward to meeting some people, hopefully make some new friends, slowly but surely. Then Im going to a hockey game with a friend and his wife from church tonight. Slowly developing friendships. Its a cool experience that my goal for the last two years has been to build a healthy social life, and its finally happening with this huge church I am a part of. I just have to remind myself to be patient. Some people are great, others appear that way but may not be. Some people you automatically have chemistry with, others you never do. Its just life, but me must keep going to bat, and doing things we love.

    Stay the course..

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