Sorry to hear you're in such a bad spot stc. You sound like you need professional help. I know you're a stubborn guy but the way you obsess over women isn't healthy. A woman isn't going to make you happy at this point. She'll feel your neediness and will be gone before you know it. There are enough happy 40 yo singles, currently I plan on being one of them. Once the thought of being single in your 40s no longer haunts you, you'll be ready for a woman in your life. Not one second earlier.