A new beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by staythecourse, Oct 15, 2017.

  1. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you're in such a bad spot stc.

    You sound like you need professional help. I know you're a stubborn guy but the way you obsess over women isn't healthy. A woman isn't going to make you happy at this point. She'll feel your neediness and will be gone before you know it.

    There are enough happy 40 yo singles, currently I plan on being one of them. Once the thought of being single in your 40s no longer haunts you, you'll be ready for a woman in your life. Not one second earlier.
     
  2. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    I see a therapist regularly and he is unable to do a whole besides listen to me whine. Im glad you're happy in your 40's. I only know the sad ones, but now I guess I know a happy one!
     
  3. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Maybe time for a new one?

    CBT is an interesting approach - focusing on coping methods and recognising distorted thinking. I think it could really help you - can recommend a book if you're interested written by an American, that could get you started
     
  4. Living

    Living Active Member

    Sorry to hear you feeling down like that.

    Not every form of therapy is the same and not every therapist is the same either. If a therapy or therapist is not working for you, perhaps it's wise to find a new one. Like cjm suggested: perhaps you might want to try a form of CBT. A therapist that does very little beside listening to you whine sounds like psycho-analysis. While this definitly works for some people CBT's are a completely different approach which might have more of an effect on you. Personally I'm a great fan of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, but there are lots of flavours to chose from:)
     
  5. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Today is day one again. There is not a whole lot to say. Does anyone know how to reset the counter? Maybe its just a sign for me to delete the counter. I also dont want to argue with anyone here, Im safe, just down. I will write this longer one day..but basically, I have a voice in my head that says "you're a loser and will be alone your entire life." No wife, no kids. Just sit in this apt alone every night..which I find very tough. And on top of that, I cant really text girls, dating apps or masturbation (because I abuse all of them addictively.) . Every once in a blue moon, a beautiful amazing girl comes along. In this instance I only saw her pictures. That is basically described as fantasy. When I lose her, its like the world crashes down..probably has to do with some childhood abandonment issues.

    Regardless, I think the key is being sober. I've never stayed sober long term and I truly think these patterns, thought processes, etc will improve and I'll get better, if I do stay sober, long term. Yes, it will take therapeutic work and building a social life and other factors. But staying sober will be a big part.

    Stay the course..
     
  6. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    It sucks when you don't get the girl you really want. It's happened to me twice in my life (the first one was not suitable anyway). The last one though has been very tough to deal with though. I was thinking marriage and kids and everything. And this girl I'd been on quite a few dates with, she even bought me chocolates on Valentines Day, I mean you'd be forgiven for thinking at that stage that you're in with a very good chance, that fantasy will become reality. But no, somehow a game that I felt like I was going to win I managed to walk away with nothing. I still check out her Facebook profile sometimes, even though I'd be better off forgetting all about her, but only time can do that for me. So I don't think it's necessarily a childhood thing, I had a great childhood. It's just that sometimes life goes completely differently from how you hope and even expect. No-one knows what the future will bring and that's a fact - no-one knows. I personally find refuge in music, art and reading, it's important to have something you can retreat into when the world becomes overwhelming.
     
  7. Londoner

    Londoner Active Member

    It seems to be down for everyone at the moment.

    Sorry to read about your issues at the moment - I can definitely relate. We're the same age and I know how it feels to want to end things if I don't achieve certain things by the age of 40. Age is fairly arbitrary, if you think about it though. We use a decimal number system, so we give undue importance to multiples of ten.

    I know it doesn't feel like it, but 38 is still relatively young (unless you're a virgin like me!). Think about how your future 52-year-old self will look back at 38-year-old you in 14 years' time - I was so young then, you'll say. At least I will, I think.

    I've found myself infatuated with individual girls in the past (though I don't think it was ever one I hadn't met). One of them, from almost ten years ago, still enters my mind now and again. In my head she was perfect, even though in reality nobody is - but the fact that I only realised that after she became unavailable has meant that I've never really fallen for anyone in the same way since. Nobody since has matched up to the feelings I had for her, but these feelings are just fantasy.

    Several of us have found The Red Pill quite helpful, and I suggest you read up on it too: https://www.reddit.com/r/asktrp/. You might not agree with all of it, but there are some helpful ways of thinking and self-improvement there.
     
  8. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO. Not much going on. Only goal now is to stay sober and not ruin my life getting addicted to crazy sex world. No point in writing more about my depression of maybe losing this amazing girl, being alone and growing old alone, giving up the dream of a wife and kids, and being a leper in society. Same old, same old.

    Stay the course..
     
  9. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day sober. Not much to report. If anything, I've just noticed dating coaches and analyzing the dating game can really hurt you.
    Also, there is an incredible amount of overanalysis on this site, which can be detrimental as well.

    Stay the course..
     
  10. Londoner

    Londoner Active Member

    Yes, over-analysis isn't helpful. Sometimes it's better not to think too hard, and that includes whether or not you're attracted to someone. Get talking to them anyway and leave it until later to decide if you actually like them.
     
  11. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    That is so well put. Just talk to them. Of course when things are natural smooth automatic etc, it tends to be better, but just talk to people.
     
  12. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO. Cant figure out how to reset the counter. Not going to worry about it now. Not a whole lot to report. Mom was in hospital for major surgery. Work finally slowing down a bit which helps my sanity. Just need to stay sober and focus now.

    Stay the course..
     
  13. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO, not much to report. Just good to be sober.

    Stay the course..
     
    gavney likes this.
  14. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO. Last night was thinking about the tennis client girl. This morning I woke up and couldn't stop thinking about her, and couldn't get out of bed. So sad and pitiful. Feel like I bought a lottery ticket, won the lottery, said I'd go cash it the next day, and lost it in the meantime. It sucks I'm so obsessed like this. I guess its the norm for me at this point. Its a win-win if I let it go..its funny, the moment you let it go the person you are thinking about tends to come back (sometimes), and if you let it go, and they don't, well at least you let it go. I only tend to let it go once another very attractive girl comes along, where there is a real possibility, and that happens once a year, if I'm lucky. I think I'm totally effed and gonna be sitting alone in this apartment for a long long time. What a shame, giving up the dream of a wife and kids. A wasted life. I'll keep explaining to everyone that I am not gay, I'm just a lonely, weird, old man.

    Stay the course..
     
  15. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    Why is that? I mean there is nothing in your posts to suggest this was the case. You nearly got 1 date with her. That's nothing, 1 date is nothing in today's world, especially from an attractive girl's point of view. If you want to keep waiting for these 8's and 9's to come along in the hope something may become of it, then that's up to you, but is it fair to whine that you're lonely when you won't accept anything less that a Porsche?
     
  16. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    yes, not going to settle. Its a sad state many people fall into, not interested.
     
  17. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO. Life basically sucks. Living alone, I watch the clock tick. Had a hell of an opportunity this summer, that I lost, so now I just sit and watch the clock tic.

    Stay the course..
     
  18. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    And yet here you are complaining that "Life basically sucks". So maybe you're the one that's fallen into a sad state.

    I'm with a girl for the last 6 months, who at first I wasn't 100% about, lookswise etc.. I was obsessing about a girl who was a '9' from last year that I messed things up with. And yet I haven't been this happy in years, as I am with my GF. I look back on the '9' girl and laugh, as I know next to nothing about her. She was probably a nice person, but the few conversations I had with her were pretty dull. In all likelihood, we probably wouldn't have been compatible.

    You haven't been in a relationship in years, by your own account. So, you know absolutely nothing about what will make you happy. You haven't had experience recently with a '9', nor have you any experience with a '6', so what do you know?

    I think most guys here in Long Term Relationships, that the things they thought were important at the start just aren't.

    I say this because you also seem to really want a wife and kids, i.e. something long term. And yet, you're obsessing about a woman who you know next to nothing about.

    I'm not saying settle for a girl youve next to know attraction to, but at least give a girl who is a 7 a chance.
    You might end up with a 9 if you keep obsessing about looks. You might then find yourself having a kid with her and being happy for a while. But maybe 5 years from now you realise you've nothing in common, and now you're trapped living with someone who is basically just a nice bit of eye candy who you're probably totally bored of having sex with. That is a really sad state.
     
  19. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    So you're not in a sad state then, hm?

    Monthlong whining and obsessing over a very slim chance for a date (that never went beyond a few texts anyway) with a girl you don't even know and who obviously isn't interested in you?

    You may really want to work on your perception of reality and your thoughts / inner self talk. Also you may want to make some changes in your life, because what you've been doing in some areas of your life in the last several years clearly isn't working.
     
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2018
  20. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    I know all about "9"s that are dull. Been on plenty of dates with them. Ive also gone on dates with plenty of 6's. Its hard to force attraction. I could try to get a psychic to force me to be attracted to really overweight girls, but not sure it would work. The fact is its reallllly hard to control who you are attracted to, probably thousands of factors since childhood. Granted, if you are attracted to "unavailable" women, or women, say, way younger or out there, then you probably need to do some work on yourself.

    "the things they thought were important at the start just aren't." ok..I can dig that. Makes sense.

    "And yet, you're obsessing about a woman who you know next to nothing about." Yes, I agree, its a little crazy. Granted, she is a beauty and we do have lots of things in common, but we didn't meet. And with that, it really is just a fantasy. A picture is worth 1,000 words and meeting in person is worth 100,000 words. I've learned that enough times from online dating. This one has been tough because it was a nice setup by a client, she is a beauty, we did connect and I feel like it slipped through my fingers.

    I would absolutely give a girl who is a 7 a chance.
     

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