Ive been acting out. Same story. Lots of masturbation. Isolation in my bedroom. Eat more poorly and not as social or good an employee. Just dont want to deal much with life, the same story. I started off going slowly with girls on the dating apps, but just turned it into sexting and then faking being another person. The gasmes from girls really annoy the eff out of me. The cancellations and not responding to texts and million instances are just so ridiculous. I did have one very attractive Japanese woman who was very very into me. But shes 47. She looked way younger though. I just treated her like crap and eventually dumped her though. I just let my anger out on her from all the other girls who pissed me off. She gave me her heart so I could crush it. Not good..eye for an eye the whole world goes blind. This instance probably happens 1000x a day..when I should have never gone out with her or at least dropped her lightly. (I said a bunch of really nasty things to dump her as well as set her up with my "imaginary" friend.) Im still really hurt that the girl the tennis client set me up with didnt work out. Someone here said it was "served up on a silver platter." Thats the first girl I was really excited about in years. I really cant think of a girl I thought seriously about in the last five years. I did date a girl in January 2015 for one month, but I was 35 and she was 23 and I knew it would never work. So yeah..this girl, is the first on 5+ years. (The things you guys see me post here about barista girls and the such, I dont have a true long term interest in.) Who knows. When Im acting out my life spirals downward. I cant control my masturbation or sexting, or dating apps. More power to the people who are able to handle them maturely. I know the only way for me is to be sober..no porn, masturbation or orgasm. That opens my life up to possibilities and the true me. The dilemma of course is my chaos..crawling out of my skin with loneliness, sexual tension, fear of being alone my entire life, the fear that Im not doing enough to find my significant other. And you guys see it here through my whining. I go practically insane. So I know I need to be sober, but cant seem ti handle it.