A new beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by staythecourse, Oct 15, 2017.

  1. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Really sad to hear. You were doing so well bro. Gotta get back on the wagon, it just takes one day and then another. It adds up.

    It might be good to see a very qualified therapist 2 or 3 times a week to just vent how you feel. They get paid to listen and it might prevent you from self sabotaging.
  2. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

  3. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    thank you. I am really close to coming back. I know I cant "control" my masturbation. Its black or white. And thats ok. Its TOUGH, but my path. Im either in the crazy sex world or not.

    I know a lot of people tried to help here, but I know myself best. Dating apps/sites no good for me. Having a girl as a friend..sure if I meet her for coffee..but not a cuddle buddy. Girls under 28yrs old..very very doubtful it will work. I want a life partner/lover. The only way I see getting that is as a sober upstanding man. Right now Im a mess and anything I attract would just scare me. I will be back soon.
  4. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    It's good that you know what you want and what you won't compromise on, clarity is the first step in getting towards anything, and women/relationships are the most confusing thing of all (for me anyway and I imagine a lot of other guys). I am one of those guys who ended up settling on a partner who is more friend than anything else. Is it a good idea? I really don't know the answer to that. I'm just not sure about the 'jackpot or nothing' mentality, but I totally understand and respect a guy who has it, if it pays off then you're in Disneyland I guess.
  5. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I mean I dont need a bombshell..and they seem like headaches anyways. Friends does seem ideal, but there is something to be said about passion/attraction/sex etc. Thats part of the equation or Id just have male friends. But Im also the furthest thing from an expert.
  6. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Im still acting out but thought I'd post. Not sure how to reset counter or if I even want to count. As said before, its definitely black or white for me. But Im really at a point now where Im tired of this crap. Its sad and has turned into the same old story of masturbation, texting, dating apps. Im just draining myself and limiting my life. I feel a little more tired, irritated and depressed.

    I looked up the girl last night the tennis client had set me up with, on instagram. Shes very attractive and everything I want..from what I can see. Shes into hiking and climbing and just has so many positive traits Im into. I really havent seen a girl like this in I dont know how many years. It just made me think..I dont want to be in my apartment doing this sex crap anymore..people are out hiking and playing sports and living life to the fullest. Thats me. Im done acting this way. It is probably presented a lot "better" than it is..we all know social media life looks "perfect." But still, its important to get out and enjoy life and I cant do that acting this way.

    I want to make something happen with this girl but thats not how it works. I want to say you're the perfect height and we are both active and will have lots in common and came from the same town and would have great stories and you're not seeing me because of one dumb text exchange..but thats not how it works. Its not like trying to grab an interview for a job. And this isnt the right time anyways. So for now, I have to stop thinking about her. Its really depressing to think I was setup with a very attractive cool girl, but I really have no clue what is happening in her life. I hatttttte cliches but if something is meant to happen it will.

    I guess the bitch is how hard it is to stay sober. Obviously there can be more tension. No release. I feel feelings and loneliness more. Im more desperate for a significant other. You guys have seen my crazy posts. But of course if I act out, I dont go watch a little porn for a day or two..now its always been pretty major. So I must find a way.

    Stay the course..
  7. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Glad to see you're back on here! I know how hard it can be to come back on when you've been acting out.

    I still get the impression that you're very looks fixated, and I know I've brought this up before. But I'm saying this as I recognise the same thinking that I've had for years, and which I've been seriously questioning for the first time with a therapist a few months ago.

    So, I'd ask yourself why exactly do you think the Tennis Client girl, or an Asian girl is going to make you happy? What about their looks do you think is special? It's good that you also want someone who has similar hobbies to you, but compatibility surely extends beyond that. I'm not saying the tennis girl or the Asian girl wouldn't be a good match for you, but I just think you're assuming they would be based on very little.

    I think physical attraction is important but I also think it's important to know why it's important. A therapist asked me this a couple months ago about a girl I still am somewhat fixated on, who I barely know. There was something about her face
    that suggested something kind and nurturing. But in reality, from the few times I've met her, I haven't got the impression she's a kind or nurturing person. Yet I still obsessed about her (thankfully, after that therapy sessions, she's been completely removed from my thoughts).

    A really good article on Lust is here https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...01108/lust-vs-love-do-you-know-the-difference

    I think alot of the content seems obvious, but when we really look at our own assumptions, I think we can realise that we make automatic assumptions about people, their faces etc.. which are based on nothing but looks. And I think deep down, we often crave what we believe is behind the gorgeous smile, rather than the smile itself.
  8. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Thank you..all good points. I think its somewhat normal/reasonable to be attracted to looks, but there could be more to it. I do know guys who have very unattractive girlfriends or wives, so I guess my goal is to see if I can at least be a bit more openminded to someone not so good looking.
  9. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Ok, that's good. I think being single for a long time is a bit like not having a job for a long time. Alot of long time unemployed people are looking for the perfect job, not willing to accept something less than perfect on the surface. It's only when you start working in that "dream" job, you realise that it's not what you thought it would be, and your criteria for your dream job start to change and become more realistic.
  10. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Today is day one. I hit enough of a bottom. It was the same old story with masturbation, isolation, feeling tired, fantasy, dating apps, pretending to be someone else (catfish), and on and on. I went on a few dates..of course a couple were duds. I went out with one very attractive japanese woman..I found her very interesting. She was very very into me, from within like ten minutes of the date. And two days later she was basically saying how she could see herself with me for a long time. Now, she has said she has done something like this in the past (moving so fast.) But I was surprised and it was an ego booster. She said she liked my look, thought I was funny, made her feel comfortable etc. It was a good lesson in that basically all I did was show up on the date. Attraction is not a choice most of the time..someone is either into you or not. Thats a tough pill to swallow especially when fat ugly girls are into me, and the beautiful ones arent. Gosh it would be easy if the beautiful ones were into me too!

    Anyways, she's 47. I know there is no long term future with her. So I had two options..hang out with her, have sex with her, go on dates, get constantly validated..have that teddy bear to come to my apartment twice a week to keep me company. And PRETEND Im into her long term and enjoy it. But part of my sobriety is something long term and real and I must make myself available to it. Learning to be alone, I feel, is part of the equation.

    Stay the course..
  11. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Day Two. I woke up pretty early and had a hardon. I guess I needed less sleep without so much sexual activity. My body will slowly reset itself for the next week. I've been through all this before and know what its about. I'm glad my work is calming down so I can get sober during a less stressful time of year. The only major stresses are my mom's major back surgery, and of course, feeling lonely during the holidays.

    I woke up thinking about this girl (setup from tennis client.) . It sucks that she is so stuck in my head. First and foremost I simply find her so attractive. And then there are the pictures of her rockclimbing, hiking, skiing, surfing. So I love everything about her. But its a two way street and she hasn't exactly shown me much love. I can be at peace that I sent her the last text and there is nothing else I need to, or can do, at this point. I have a bad feeling I may not hear from her again. It really sucks because I thought things started so well and we had a great initial conversation, so I really have no damn clue what happened. My fear is that I will be single in ten years from now and I'll be saying,

    "Remember that girl I was setup with way back in 2018..she was a heck of a catch and I let her slip through my fingers. That was my last chance..as I had said..and here I am at 48 yrs old, single, and a lonely leper in society."

    Eff it. All I can do now is take care of my health, keep working on my business, social life and living to the fullest.

    Stay the course..
  12. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Guess I had a little awakening today. Was thinking about this girl the tennis client set me up with, that fell through. She is very, very attractive and lives this active lifestyle with hiking, biking, surfing etc.
    The fact is I have not met her. Its true shes attractive and active, and I see great things could happen with her, but I dont know her personality or anything beyond that.

    I definitely struggle with fantasy, building a story in my bed, falling in love with an idea etc. I remember 15yrs ago meeting a girl in a chat room, talking to her on the phone everyday for two years. She lived on the other side of the country and I had so many dreams. She was absolutely beautiful. She confessed eventually to sending me fake pictures and her real picture was very unattractive.

    A lot of this is tied to loneliness, isolation, fear of being alone my whole life and probably a host of other things. Who the heck knows why this happened and what the future holds, but I need to let it go and move forward and stop worrying about if I lost "the one." I really wish I didn't have obsessive thoughts about it, but as I stay sober longer I tend to get stronger.
  13. Haller_79

    Haller_79 Member

    I think it's time you started looking at the lower hanging fruit that's on offer to you. It's your choice at the end of the day, but you just seem to be going round in circles from what I am reading.
  14. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    What do you mean by that? Go for a less attractive women? (lower hanging fruit). There were a couple online girls, but that was an outright addiction for me that Im not going on. There is one other girl I was setup by from another tennis client, but she's very, very unattractive and I can't force myself to go on a date with her.(maybe Ill get coffee with her one day just to simply meet someone.)

    If someone less attractive comes along in the future, maybe i'll give them a shot. But to force myself to be with someone, or settle with someone Im not that attracted to..well, Id prefer to be alone and uncomfortable or simply commit suicide, than to go that route.

    I think the circles I go in occur when I go after a 23yr old girl, or 47yr old woman, knowing I wont be with them. If anything, I need to go "at bat" more..meet girls in their 30's and who are at the same spot in their life etc..where it really is possible.
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2018
  15. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO. I feel as though these days I am crawling in my skin. This makes sense as I am on Day Three. Typically the first week is physical withdrawal, the first month I am pretty crazy in my head, and then after 30 days I get confidence and basically overexcited for life. I hit somewhere around 60 days and the sex drive is a bit raging and is challenging. That can go on a long time. The mind can race too. I have never hit 6 months though and I hear withdrawals end there. Lets see

    Stay the course..
  16. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Sounds like a good plan!
  17. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO. Been sick, which lowers my testosterone and horniness. Helpful I guess to get me through this first week.

    Watched a video on mental obsession last night..basically about when someone breaks up with you unexpectedly. Ive had similar experience and know that hell..it went on once for years. Its going on with this tennis client girl setup..looking at all her pictures on social media..her beauty and activeness and not seeing how she lost interest in me through simple texting. My mind races and plays the story of us over and over and its just effin pain. Its just crazy and everything is happening in my head. Simple as that. She's probably not thinking about it or will ever contact me again. I've made last contact and everyone has said "leave it." There is nothing I can do at this point. I need to move on with life..develop new hobbies and interests..keep building my business..staying open to all possible women in my life. I've got this voice in my head that Im a loser who will be alone my whole life, so it when these kinds of things happen, it gets amplified, but I just keep moving forward.

    Stay the course..
  18. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no pmo. Been depressed af. Old and alone. Its official. Spoke to a friend who is 47yrs old. He just wants to die. Basically would end it if he could. I get it. He is single and losing his dream of having a family. He wants out. Makes sense. Same thing with the beautiful 47yr old woman I dated. No future. Its all down here from here for her. Very sad. If thats me in two years from now, I'll want the same exact thing, to end it.
    A girl from the past who liked me texted me and I basically told her to never contact me again. The 47 yr old also texted me..I told her two days ago this wont work and she said she has been in tears all day..she texted me yesterday that I was right and good luck..I told her to never contact me again. I need to let anger out on someone as I was rejected by the tennis client girl. Its all a vicious cycle.

    I have no clue if I'll stay sober. I know Im crazy right now in my first week. The first month is usually fairly intense. The withdrawals are not fun. This whole love addiction is much worse than some guys here who just deal with porn and masturbation. Ive dealt with that. Fantasy and love addiction will beat you to the ground much harder. But some of us have it tougher than others.

    Stay the course..
  19. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Well..this is day 6. Things have gotten pretty bad. On Thurs night I spoke to a woman from SLAA, explained the tennis client girl story and she said well..move on, look for other opportunities, etc. I dunno, to me, thats like saying.."your friend has been officially murdered and his funeral is in 4 days. But hey, maybe he will come back to life." No, if someone is dead, they don't come back to life.
    I basically told my sister some really scary stuff Thurs night. I also told the 47yr old Japanese woman to never contact me again. I smothered the hell out of her, because she likes me, and I had the opportunity to hurt her, so I did :)
    I also picked on a girl who liked me from a long time ago. Yesterday I got pissed at one of my employees and he quit.
    I could not give a damn. I lost an amazing woman because of some texting. I mean, this was a great one. There are no more. Its done and Im done. I could give two damns if an employee leaves or my business fails. Seriously, I was on FOOD STAMPS 6 years ago. Its EASY BEING BROKE. I could care less. I can handle being dead broke easily! I cant handle sitting alone anymore, being lonely...Loneliness.
    Chances are I will not stay sober. I will stay in this pitiful little world. I feel so damn bad for people who are single and still alive, in their 40's. They are lepers in society. People ask if they are gay. They are lonely and miserable. Sad. Trust me, if I get to a point where Im single in my 40's I'll just end it. No point living like that. If you aren't going to procreate, your existence on this earth is worthless.

    Stay the course..
  20. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you're in such a bad spot stc.

    You sound like you need professional help. I know you're a stubborn guy but the way you obsess over women isn't healthy. A woman isn't going to make you happy at this point. She'll feel your neediness and will be gone before you know it.

    There are enough happy 40 yo singles, currently I plan on being one of them. Once the thought of being single in your 40s no longer haunts you, you'll be ready for a woman in your life. Not one second earlier.

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