A new beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by staythecourse, Oct 15, 2017.

  1. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Im all for friends setting me up. Doesnt happen much, but something special about it.
    I did online dating everday for 8 years, I decided not to do it in 2018..I think its good to get clean from it..Im almost there . (3 more months)
  2. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member


    Girl from gym: Not interested in hanging out. Done.
    Girl from tennis client (young one): never responded to me. the tennis client didnt respond when I asked him twice about her. Hes a sketchy dude. Done.
    Starbucks Barista: Didnt answer my text about hanging out. Done.
    Bank Girl: Down to Hang Out. Im not into her though.

    I didnt overtext anyone here. Its just how it goes for me. This aint coincidental or by chance or whatever. Game doesnt mean much. They either like you or they dont. They feel your vibe.
  3. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    work has ripped me up. was sick yesterday. rain has been horrible. bitches have been complaining. Losing $. Hate them all. Its only a matter of time before relapse. stress is too much and life sucks. I need an outlet. And all these girls I talked to are gone. so all alone, stressed out. same as always. told you guys its not good for me to chase girls or have casual sex...see, there is a downside.

    bad times a' comin'

    Stay the course..
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Hang in there man. The bad times may be gone as soon as they came. You are struggling, but I have great respect for you in how you hold on, keep finding your way, and keep posting here. To me that shows you have a winner mentality. For now maybe this helps:

    1. Will acting on this temptation bring me long-term satisfaction or instant gratification?
    2. What will be the end result if I act on this temptation?
    3. If I choose to act on this temptation will it make my life better or worse?
    4. Do I take 100% responsibility for my own actions or do I blame others and make excuses?
    5. Can the addicted part of my brain force me to act out against my will?
    6. Is there a part of me that wants to walk away from this?
    7. Can I choose to follow that part that wants to walk away?
    8. Is there a feeling of peace that will come to me if I walk away?
    9. Would I feel better about myself tomorrow if I didn’t act out today?
    10. Will I honor the rational part of my brain that is encouraging me to walk away from this temptation?
    Londoner and Living like this.
  5. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you are feeling like this.

    You need to do what's good for you. We can all tell you how you should do the things we do because that's what helped us most, but if those things don't help you they don't help you. What helps me with finding out what's good for me and what steps I should be making is working towards my values. Make a list of the things you find important (not goals, but values) and when you do something compare that to your values. That way it's easy to keep going in the direction you want to be going. While it's not only about tempations, but about behaviour in general it comes down to most of the questions Gilgamesh put down here.
  6. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    yes its all true..shortt term gain long term pain. And im terrible at the short term scaring girls away. Im just in withdrawal, the loneliness and lack of romamce/sex just sucks
  7. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    I know my values and everything. Its just that Im sitting alone every night. no girls. withdrawals. there are no girls in my life for so long. I resort to going against my values because I need a girl.
  8. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    I think in scenarios like this it doesn't hurt to be with a girl you aren't extremely attracted to so you can have some company in the evenings. Maybe just get a decent girl that's not fat and has a good personality. Not to simplify things.... but it might do you wonders. And maybe as you get to know her you see all her good qualities and get even more attracted to her.

    Maybe find a woman who likes you more than you like her. Makes things easier.

  9. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    to an extent yes. Online dating provides that.
  10. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO. Its been a little crazy lately. I friended and talked to a very attractive asian girl. I asked her a couple normal questions and have good flow, then she de-friended me. Quite simply, because she probably thought it was weird I would randomly friend her and try to work game. Same story as always.

    Last night I hopped onto online dating. Within a couple hrs I setup two dates. I was turned on by looking at so many girls and profiles and texting them. It made me edge, but not masturbate. Its all very challenging. Im probably just torturing myself. I also found a wet spot in my pants, but dont feel I relapsed. I am still saying sober, barely. I get turned on by women and texting and challenge. I think its all a bunch of "hits." Its amazing how tech has influenced all this.

    Funny thing happened as I was texting and messaging these girls online, out of the blue the starbucks barista texted me. I had all but given up on her, forgot her, and she comes out. Funny the way the universe works. I have pushed her away for now. I think she just wants to play and for a text buddy, and I dont want to deal. Maybe she will come at me, maybe not.

    It will be challenging to manage this no PMO, no casual sex and dating. I tend to be all or none, black or white. But the loneliness and challenges of life just get to me so bad, over so many years now. I need to re-center and focus. I notice how I focus less on work and just think about girls, girls, girls. Which is not good, but a welcome break from all this work chaos BS.

    Stay the course..
  11. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    well, I relapsed. I had reached a point of pain, I could not handle anymore. Most of you saw it here on a daily basis. The loneliness, as it always has been, was just too overwhelming. I must admit, at first it was such great relief. I released, went on a couple dates because I hopped on all the dating apps, they were no good. But I finally had that ease I craved.

    But eventually I went into being on the dating apps for hours, masterbating for hour after hour, going into fantasy pretending to be another person when I texted, and the stories go on. I would be tired and drained in all my activities. Same story. When I was randomly friending girls, talking to girls like the barista, who is only 22 and nothing legit there, and overall actions, I knew I wouldn't last. I also contacted the tennis client girl from months ago..she never responded to my text. Its been nice though, not being in such a desperate state-looking around at all the girls in church, or wherever I go, for a possible partner. Or waiting and waiting for months for the tennis client girl to text me. Such desperation and scarcity..at least I had a few #s of girls in my phone and dating apps to hop on..and to gain the knowledge that most girls are all the same. I know this from all the online interactions, so I don't have to put one on a huge pedestal.

    so basically, the deal is this. When I am sober I get excited and live really well..all the stuff you read online..look people in the eye, more confident, more social, artistic side comes out energetic, and all the stuff you read about on reddit boards and youtube videos. Then it wears off a little..some anger comes in, almost overconfidence..then urges..and then the loneliness comes along and Im crawling in my skin every night...too much energy and bored. Then maybe a girl comes along and Im nervous as hell and posting crap on here. Then shes on a huge pedestal and Im going crazy and im in huggggge scarcity and I mess it up.

    So whats the solution? Does it all pass after 6 months and we hit perfect peace and ease. All I know is I was in hell and felt huge relief when I relapsed. Does loneliness and craziness end. Do we try to go on dates and have companionship but no masterbation. Do we limit masterbation once a week for regular relief, or is that insane as an addict trying to control something.

    I dont know..but crazy..

    Stay the course..
  12. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    @staythecourse I think you need one woman you can work with towards your recovery. There's a strength coach called Elliot Hulse who talks about this on his YouTube channel. He's had to overcome a lot of hardships and now has a successful coaching business, a wife and many kids. He's down in Florida and holds classes a few times a year. He pretty much says you have to find someone who will accept you for who you are and have patience to work with you on recovery. I'll try to find the video, it's pretty old from 2012-2014 I believe.
  13. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    I don't want to overload you with advice, but I think there was an underlying theme to everything you were doing up until recently. It seemed that you were setting your expectations too high regarding your recovery. Until recently, you thought that if you completely give up PMO, and give up dating, everything will just fall into place. Unfortunately, I think, as you've probably already realised, it's like going on a diet of nothing but salad & water, it's just not sustainable, you will eventually crack, and I believe that's what your binge was about. You clearly need a woman in your life.

    It's good to see you're making an effort with regard to dating. Online dating can seem like a waste of time.... until you get a bit of luck. My advice would be to keep trying it, and also ask yourself if you really want to be with a girl in her early 20s.. and if so, why?
    Thebeg and Deleted User like this.
  14. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    so gr
    so grab a girl into a relationship to help me with my emotional problems..vs. a therapist or sponsor?
  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I think it all depends on what you want. I guess that if you want a serious relationship you should stop focusing on those young girls. Even if you start dating a girl that age, you will probably get bored because you don't have that much to share. The same for overfocusing on specific looks i.e. the hot Asian. It's just your projection of your fantasies. A girl that is hot on first sight may be less attractive when you get to know her better, and the other way around for women that don't seem that attractive at first sight. How nice would it be if you can be with a woman and just be yourself, not worrying about all that pick up ACTING. What about speed- or blind-dating and really make effort to get to know someone better. You have nothing to loose. Why not give that bank employee a chance? I have a strong feeling that the live you want to live is a lot closer by than you think.
    Fry2 likes this.
  16. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Not grab. Build a relationship. That's my opinion on making you feel better faster. You can still do therapy and have a sponsor. But nothing will change till you start being in a relationship with a female human being who cares about you and vice versa. There are plenty of women who would want to be with a guy like you. I don't think your problems force you to sit alone in your house every night, waiting to be better, repenting for some trivial sin.

    You make a living, you aren't a drug abuser, you are not violent (from what I read) and you aren't a criminal. Everybody has emotional problems. They shouldn't stop you from living your life with people who accept you the way you are. Obviously you need to write down what is a realistic woman for you.

    Once again, this is my opinion. But the general consensus on this forum is for you to just expand your horizons and be with a woman. It's not a big deal actually. Look at all these buffoons with gorgeous women. They don't think much. They just do.

    Will a therapist change you...maybe. Will a sponsor keep you on the course...maybe. But only you can do specific actions to alleviate your pain.

    Good luck.

    Fry2 likes this.
  17. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    good points. I went crazy with the pickup and studying and ACTING..just be yourself, be vulnerable.
  18. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    totally agree with it all thanks. I just cant hang with a girl Im not attracted to. Im not trying to be narrow minded or what not. I think a girl will come along. I do just have to go for it now and start dating. Maybe the apps will help.
    Deleted User likes this.
  19. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Im not sober, but cant seem to reset my counter. My view on this has changed a little. I did have extreme relief when I masterbated, but at the same time, I went on a binge with it for a week. Im viewing this more now as not ruining my life with porn and masterbation..and orgasm..and also giving me the shot at a better life..clearer mind, confidence, social life, physical strength.

    I think I get pretty intense when Im sober (duh, theres no relief.) I crave the presence of a woman even more. Loneliness seems higher. And I go a little crazy. Maybe it sounds like a crazy idea with an addictive behavior, but it makes sense to try to control it to one time per week. If I do it everyday, its a no brainer that its too much and I go overboard. There are definitely detrimental effects. But I also have very detrimental effects when I go over a month sober (as I start to go a little crazy.)

    Stay the course..
    Gil79 likes this.
  20. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    so update with tennis client girl. I reached back out to her about getting together, expecting the worst..I got.."hey sorry wasnt into our initial conversation..da di da..but good luck. I responded back along the lines of sorry I would have loved to take you out but respect your decision. I planned on never hearing from her again. Well she shocked my by responding a few hours later thank you..why dont we try being friends..maybe play tennis sometime. I loved how easygoing it was and like the idea of an easygoing date. I've been on a much of online dates now where we meet for a drink and its been hell. I hate to say it but all the online dating coaches are just terrible. Its all about flow..not this waiting to respond back stuff and so many other "strategies." Geez every situation is different..if anything, I've learned two things:

    1) The take it or leave it attitude is gold. You cant need them..no attachment.
    2) you cant control them..they either like you or they dont, to an extent. just be you.

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