A new beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by staythecourse, Oct 15, 2017.

  1. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    I was on a downhill spiral since 90 days. I had been up for hours that night and just been so down. I was also messing with the disease more texting girls from the past etc. The pic came from out of the blue from her, but if I had been in a stronger date, I would have handled it.
     
  2. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    at this point, I dont know. I had a couple gf's that were just a hookup, first date sex, that turned into something. But going slow is romantic too, and we slightly cuddled on the couch. But her mentioning us being friends and talking about other guys really made me lose confidence. At the same time, the vibe/chemistry was slightly there and still is. I just dont see her being "the one."
     
  3. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Sounds to me like she is friendzoning you.
     
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  4. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Yup. Prob best to hold back now and see if she comes to you imo
     
  5. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    I didnt feel the full effect at all, but she sure wasn't jumping at me either. I think its just something I'll roll with
     
  6. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    yes, thats the game for the time being
     
  7. ClimbXR

    ClimbXR Active Member

    Keep moving forward. I know how these relapses feel. I've had many of them.

    But i'm glad you decided to go on a date.

    I met someone through a SLAA group I joined last week who was a 20+ year porn addict (he started with VHS all the way to streaming). He's been sober for 5 years now and is married with a kid.

    He told me time waits for no man and that most guys keep relapsing because they wait too long to approach women. He recommended on day 1 of a reboot, every straight man needs to go out and try to find real woman to spend time with. Even if she is not attractive. He said this is the fastest way to rewire the brain. He was in a porn/internet sex addiction clinic in Switzerland and paid huge bucks for this advice. He said spending time with a real woman as much as possible is the biggest motivator to stay sober during reboot. He was able to recover by building a long friendship and then romance with an overweight caring woman. After he recovered he helped her lose weight and now they are married.



    Of course, it's different for everyone and I have my own struggle of approaching 100 women in 100 days (in another thread on this forum). But I am proud you went on the date. Screw the whole hand holding and kissing. Be a good guy and everything falls into place.

    Stay the course. We're here with you!
     
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  8. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO. Awesome that I stayed sober yesterday. I usually go on a huge run, and there is no need this time. The obsession was lifted naturally and I didnt even want to do it. I guess its all part of my process, so hopefully I can work off my gains.

    Well, I have a little issue now. A woman I teach tennis to emailed me a month ago saying she had a girl she wanted to set me up with. I was on this no dating thing and told her, lets put it on pause, work is just too busy. So a few days ago I emailed her and said Im ready. I was expecting someone Im def not attracted to and just wanted to see what she looked like. Well damn I was wrong! Shes pretty much exactly my type. And we texted and she was just awesome. Sweet and fun. She also grew up near me and went to my high school. Now shes been on my mind for two days straight and Im trying to keep it cool. My next move is to call her Sunday night and setup a time to meet next week.

    It kind of sucks because Im so excited and nervous. I usually get a girl when I don't care and just want to hookup. Im already trying to research cool dates..she lives a little less than an hour for me and I have no clue where we will meetup..but I like fun dates like an arcade or driving range or whatever. NOT dinner, or coffee, or drinks. I hate looking across from someone keeping a conversation going more than like ten effin minutes. The part that sucks is I feel like we will meet, I'll think shes hot and awesome, date will go OK, but no sparks and she will text me the next day something like, thanks but sorry, I didnt feel it. Terrible I know, already thinking this way. Meanwhile people are like, just enjoy it, have fun..da di da. Well its tough when you are 37 guys..and really scared of being alone your whole life.

    So I cant psyche myself out. And I cant not go on the date. And I have to calm the eff down and just try to enjoy it and let it all happen. I know I'll be in trouble if I put too much emphasis on it. So thats where Im at with it. Coach Corey wayne videos help me a bit too..to slow down the process, not text much or talk much. Just get a date setup.

    Stay the course..
     
  9. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    You know a lot of giris see you're and my age ( mid thirties) as a positive you're wiser, have you're oen business and more experienced than you were 10 years ago
     
  10. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    First congrats to that new prospect. So the slip had some positives too because otherwhise you wouldn't have agreed to meet her.

    Then you may want to take a look at your attitude. You got looking forward to a date with an interesting woman. That's really nice. Enjoy it, man, not dread it!

    And the question is not if you make a great impression on her or not and how long you can keep a conversation, but rather if she fits your requirements for something more. So it's not about you but about her. If she's not for you (and you don't know what to talk to each other) then you can still have a nice day, you have made a new experience and for sure other interesting women, that may be a better match for you, will come along.

    Just try and have a good time together and to get to know someone new. Lower expectations..
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2018
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  11. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    I knoq, low expectations..its like when you're old and its your last chance at a huge job and you have a huge job interview and people are like..yeah just enjoy it. Easier said than done. But I get it. thx
     
  12. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    In ten years you'll look back thinking "I wasn't that old at all!". Ten years later after that, you'll think the same about your 40s.

    Seriously, if you are or get in great shape you're actually at the peak of your sexual attractiveness as a male in his 30s. You are not old by any means.
     
    cjm likes this.
  13. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO. Well, yesterday was ok. I have a lot of anxiety these days. I think its because its my first week of sobriety again. The body goes through changes, even if I only relapsed sexually for one day. Pit in my stomach, racing mid, all that stuff starts up. Its been uncomfortable, but I know it will get better.

    Thank you everyone for all the positivity and encouragement. The girl my tennis client set me up with is beautiful. At least from all the pictures Ive seen. Our first text exchange was awesome and I had a lot of confidence(Wed night.) I sent her a quick text yesterday asking who she thought would win Wimbledon, around noon, and she didnt respond until 8:30. She easily could have been busy, but I started checking my damn phone every ten minutes. By 6pm I was freaking out. Terrible, I have to ease down with this. Im already thinking about her a lot and going all crazy. I also have no idea where to take her on a date. Im wondering if we should text and talk, for a couple more days and then setup a date. Or just get her out on the damn date. I have so many doubts. I used t be so good at this when I didnt care, and was on a million dating apps and 99% of the girls were not very good looking or a good fit. Now I have a girl who's attractive and seems like a great fit all around, and I become unglued. Must stay cool. Keep livin my life. Let it all happen. I can do this. Im a catch and need to see if she fits my needs/desires/etc.

    Stay the course..
     
  14. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Maybe not invest too much for the first meeting? And maybe not call it date? Puts a lot of pressure on you. Just go for a walk or a drink somewhere or to the beach to a nice bar?
     
  15. Londoner

    Londoner Active Member

    Sorry to hear about the relapse, but amazing to have achieved another 90+ day streak and some successful interaction with real women!
     
  16. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    yea Im easing my view on it now-do the best I can do. And Live. Gotta live man.
     
  17. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    or coffee..just gotta stop giving a damn. I got tired with myself, lowered my expectations. cant let this give me so much pain, its just ridiculous.
     
  18. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Texted with the girl today. She took a while to respond, but we got a little flow. I told her to call me when she gets back, shes on a little trip..and she said lets just meet, we'll either jive or we wont. So I guess she doesnt wanna chat on phone..I asked her twice, fine, its all good. I asked her if Wed or Thurs night works, haven't heard back yet. No more texting or calls or anything, just set the date. I have such little hope in a date where I dont know the person and somehow sparks are gonna fly? Its really a bitch. But at the very least you gotta show up in life and just do it.
     
  19. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    I dont even know if Im sober at this point. The girl responded late that she was going to CO next week for work and not back until the 27th and asked me if we could get together after that. It was genuine and I believe it, especially since we have a mutual client. I was pretty frustrated at that point though, and let go of playing cool, or rules. I texted back thats cool and kept texting with her, even though it was late and for her to send me a pic of her. She did, and it had a friend in it.

    So what do I do? Completely just screw it up. I texted her at 5:26am this morning that my friend thinks her friend is hot and we could set them up. Thats just weird. And if Im calling my action weird, then I can only imagine what she's thinking. She didn't respond and there is a good chance she never will.

    So, I couldn't take the pressure. A beautiful girl who showed interest, I freaked from the start trying to make it all perfect. Waiting on texts, saying the right thing..and on and on. As my brother said, we are at the point in our lives where a wife usually comes along..but thats a lot of pressure.

    At this point, I just feel like Im in a downhill spiral. I've had a lot of anxiety since I got sober again. This girl really challenged me, even though she did absolutely nothing wrong. And I really cant believe I couldnt just chill out. It would have been perfect to have a break of a couple weeks..let me forget this for a little bit and focus on myself. Now Ive pretty much blown it up and probably end up going on a run.

    I dont know, this is tough. Stay the course..
     
  20. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Hello mate. I know you've been wanting to get back out there, but that doesn't seem like a healthy way to do it if it leaves you feeling this way. Maybe this was an opportunity for you to affirm your commitment to your recovery and 6 months no dating? I empathise because I know exactly how quickly addictive behaviours can get back in. Ask yourself what you can do to take care of yourself today and be kind to yourself. You don't deserve this anxiety.
     

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