A new beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by staythecourse, Oct 15, 2017.

  1. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Hi Guys,

    Its been quite some time. A good six months. I am back to day one. It feels good just to say it. I had almost 4 months, until the end of March when I was on vacation in California. I didn't realize how good I had it. More energy, focused, clear minded. Some of my minor demons got me though..being a 36yr old single guy, not having a solid careerpath set, stress, and of course, wanting that "jolt."

    But chasing that "jolt" put me in a badddd spot. Going to prostitutes and massage parlors(I didnt use them, just went there and would then leave.) Harrassing girls online, places like facebook, friends of friends. And, living on dating apps. Sexting. Texting from a fake phone # as a different guy. I think these stories could go on forever for all of us..basically its just the disease coming out in different forms.

    So, I look forward to getting sober again. This won't be easy, but it will damn sure be worth it. My glimpse of serenity in the past showed me that.

    Comments and support always welcome. Thank you.
  2. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Day 2. Day one is a bit exciting and putting me on a new mission. This day is about follow through and slowly trudging into making it a way of life. Day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment.
    A long day of: 3 hours of ladies clinics, a one private lesson with a 4yr old boy watched by parent, followed by three hours of clinics..all with wild blys, mostly misbehaved. Pretty solid description of the life of a tennis pro..crazy psycho bored housewives, some really young kid doing nothing, followed by tons of 6-10yr olds who arent very good, dont listen to you and need to be babysat.

    At the end of the day, its not bad. I do like being outside. I like interacting with people. I like ladies for the most part and I like kids for the most part. I like that I run my own business..Im in charge and its almost all cash. So many bonuses to this lifestyle. And Im just a few hrs away from 25hr weeks!
  3. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Glad you're back on course.
  4. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Thanks, this is a better way of life.
  5. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Day Three. Woke up with definite sexual energy. I think this could be a challenging day. Now the blood flow comes back. Its a good feeling in a way, because I know that powerful energy is coming back. But its more appealing to masturbate and not do this.

    I got myself out of bed to face the day though. A long day of psycho ladies..early outdoor teaching, followed by new indoor groups, followed by kids outdoors..followed by an SLAA meeting. Today is a challenging day on all fronts. Will take it hour by hour, moment by moment, to get through it.

    Stay the course.
  6. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Day Four. Im starting to feel a little more emotion. Probably 10-15% more. I know as I ease off this "drug" I can feel up to 50% more, before it eases back down to 10-15% with long term sobriety from pmo. Sexual energy is up, especially the first hour of the morning. Usually a morning pee dissolves a lot of it. At night, I sit alone and watch tv, thats where companionship is craved. I will usually have the urge to text a girl. I have been in touch with a couple. One is a girl I met outside the UPS store last week, the other is the hot nanny I met who drops off the tennis boys. Lauren ourside UPS is 30 yrs old, single with a 3 month old baby..she obviously has issues, and I am not crazy about her. The other, Lindsay, is 22-23yrs old in business school, and oh so hot. Both will probably go nowhere, but are oh so tempting.

    Another long day on the courts, followed by going to a friends wake. 27 years old, lost a good goofy nice soul. Too young to go, don't know what happened, but he will be missed.

    Stay the course..
  7. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Day five. Good to be on the journey. Went to Vinnie's wake last night. Very sad, 27 yrs old. Glad I went and did my duty by showing up.

    Have had a cold for a couple days. Surprisingly no real cravings to masturbate..if anything, its more about craving companionship. One way to get companionship is to hang out with friends. I only have one really close friend and a bunch of others that Im friends with, but not "tight" with. I need to continue to work on and build my social life. This is the same feeling I got as I got sober on this last time.

    As the seasons change, Im looking forward to crazy outdoor tennis season coming to a close and transitioning to indoor tennis. My workweek goes from 50 hrs/wk to 25 hour weeks. This is the ideal lifestyle and I it starts in just a couple weeks.

    Stay the course..
  8. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Good luck man.
    staythecourse likes this.
  9. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Day 6. Last night I experienced frustration/irritability..basic crap, just trying to get an app fixed so I could watch the Ranger game and cable issues. Typical BS but something as frustrating and simple as that can drive me to masturbate for the stress relief/escape etc. Luckily I did not give in and in the end its better that way.

    L from UPS store texted me she had a fever and didn't want to talk. She's obviously not that into me and Im not crazy about her anyways. If I also am trying not to have casual sex, the loss there isn't that big a deal to me. Good chance it dies out. The hot nanny didn't respond to my last two texts. She was at the Ranger game. Casual sex matters to a point because she is HOT and I doubt I see myself as a 37yr old man having a future with a 22/23yr old. Weird how the mind works because it tells me there is a possibility of a future with her (basically because she's so hot.) The same applies long distance..if the girl is far away but not hot, I think of it as nothing..but if she's far away and really hot, then I see us possibly being together forever and work being done to make it happen.

    Another long day on the courts ahead...a couple new indoor groups. Looking forward to getting through this month and things easing down in November.

    Stay the course..
  10. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Night time tougher. Got a girls # outside Starbucks today. Cute asian my type. after a few texts she said she was seeing someone. Picking these girls up never works.

    Would be so easy to download a dating app..talk to a bunch of girls and sext for a couple hrs..then just sit by myself..but I also would just end back up with myslef having gone nowhere and needing to get sober again.

    I see this is much more than just craving masturbation/orgasm/porn this is a real desire for companionship to overcome loneliness. Somehow I need to learn to sit with self peacefully.
  11. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Day 7..happened a little easier and quicker than I thought. No anger outbursts or extreme cravings or anything too crazy. Nights have been a bit challenging. I scroll through my phone looking for girls to text. I want to download a dating app. I want to sext. But luckily I don't. I was out of line texting M last night, after she told me she was seeing someone. She was also doubly irritated that I got her # asking for her help to "market my business"..even though I really just thought of her as someone I could hookup with.

    Tennis business overall is pretty good. Coming up with more eyes to make $ indoors. Spoke to two club owners yesterday. Ive really put myself in a good position to possibly own an indoor tennis club. Ive also built up a base of a few hundred families and a solid year round business. On the other side of things of course, I could easily get injured and that would be all over. Or the town may officially kick me off the public courts next spring/summer and I would have nowhere to go. And, I do find myself wanting to move out of CT more and more every year, as there is just a "lack of action" here..unless you have little kids and are raising a family. I have no exit plan from tennis..besides having an english degree from a small liberal arts college..no work experience at age 37, but I am an entreprenuer!

    Must remain vigilant, consistent and happy..

    Carpe Diem
  12. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Welcome back stc. Will respond more later as I'm currently on vacation.

    Just want to tell you I'm I a similar situation right now. 36 yo, gf of almost 6 months is 23. Really hot, but with a lot of issues and no libido.

    I've had a lot of sexual frustrations but currently I'm holding out well. Going for a 200 day (soft/hard remains to be seen) streak in the back of my mind.
  13. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    awesome..good to hear from you. Enjoy your vacay.
  14. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Wow. I guess this is the one week mark. Was not as terrible or difficult as I thought. Definitely not easy developing this way of life again. There were times I certainly wanted to hop on dating apps. There were times I wanted to masturbate. Dealing with and accepting boredom never easy. Hard to not look for that excitement/jolt/escape..especially when work is stressful.

    Last night I texted the hot nanny and she never responded. Sucks, shes done with me. I texted her at 11:30 hoping Id get some kind of drunk response..but nothing. Pretty sure she's not interested, luckily the loss is not that great as she is very young. Ive now really got no girls to text besides UPS girl who is cold to me and really not that great.

    Things I've learned/experienced:

    -I dont NEED to masturbate/porn/orgasm etc. I get through it and feel fine.
    -Im not feeling that confidence yet..I actually am more nervous trying to pick girls up..like, if I dont get them my next opportunity may not come for months as I don't have 1,000 girls to choose from on a dating app (Maybe this is good? Cherish a girl once I actually get one and treat her like a gentleman).
    -I started to a feel a little more emotion and a little more pure.
    -At times I felt like maybe I was experiencing more anger, but really am not sure.
    -Feel like I may possibly be more rested and have more energy at work.

    I am not ready to make any real conclusions or observations till at least three weeks sober on this. One week is just a start. It takes a little more time. But I am proud of myself and glad Im not drowning myself in the dark hole of dating apps and masturbation and loneliness.

    Stay the Course..
  15. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO. Had a nice outdoor peaceful SLAA meeting last night that was fulfilling. I didn't really crave texting a girl last night..not too badly at least. I enjoyed signing up for fantasy hockey and watching some of the football game.

    Today I'll play a little golf, teach tennis for a few hours and watch the Ranger game tonight. I'll try to get the MSG Go app working again. Ugh technology struggles and cable company battle continues!

    Seize the day..
  16. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Today was ok. Stressed a bit about some work and investments. But tonight I was extremely frustrated by my tv/streaming service/flash player on laptop broke. I yelled fuck at the top of my lungs for a good 3-4 minutes, pounding my laptop with my fists. I had not experienced that type of anger/rage in a long time. I remember it coming out a year ago when I stopped PMO. Its like I have the choice of experiencing anger and rage but no PMO..or PMO but no anger. This aint easy.
  17. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    PMO suppresses emotions, and when you're coming out of PMO you feel those emotions even more intensely. I've experienced the same. I'd say the emotions is what makes you human, maybe you can channel the rage to put some good habits in place.
  18. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    I do notice some more energy and vitality for life, on the positive. But there is no drug to suppress the emotion/rage/anger..which is very tough. I will need to meditate and try some other soothing things..I hope this eases after a couple months.
  19. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day PMO free. Staying on the path. I texted L from UPS store I met last night..she never texted back. The hot nanny dropped the kids off quickly last night and walked away. Considering she didnt respond to my last three texts she is a goner. The girl I met outside Starbucks last week stopped responding too. I have completely struck out with women. The girls from dating apps always disappear, but I expect that.

    Besides the crazy asian girl I met from tinder last winter/spring..who smoked tons of pot, was depressed, suicidal and totally crazy, I hooked up with a blonde girl and another asian girl..all in the month of april. Besides that Im totally dry. April turned out to be a hot month lol..I was much more centered as I had been PMO free for Dec-Jan-Feb-March..interesting..I wonder if it made me more attractive in ways. I was also a little slower in my courting process and taking time to get to know someone vs. jumping right into sexting, masturbation, pretending to be someone else and just engulfed in this disease.

    Thank goodness Im getting sober on this again. If I continue this way of life, I'll be single forever. I need to stay this course.
  20. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I'd consider the emotion/rage/anger a masculine force that over time you should be able to channel into a productive force.

    And you seem very focused on getting pussy. Totally understandable as we're men, but that is also one of the big ironies in life. The more you want it, the less you get it.

    Stay strong.

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