A new beginning,.....again, and again...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Deleted User, Feb 23, 2019.

  1. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hello, trying another crack at this recovery "thing ". Was last on this forum, probably 4-5 years ago(?) - different psuedonymn(?):(, same old bullsh_t. Only difference now, I am older and obviously not much wiser.
    Like many on this forum I began this problematic journey when I was a young lad, quite naive and innocently drawn into it's beguiling promises. And year after year I continued my downwards spiral into the belly of the beast as it were. Till one day I realized that I was indeed a " kept " man, with no where to turn, escape the hell I had created for myself (and of course with a little bit(lot) of help from my porn pixel friends) .
    So- this is where I find myself today, 2 days past acting out for the millionth time(?) and wishing that I could turn the clock back from those many years ago when I first let my guard down-to take that first glimpse ,that first peek at the naked image in my sights....
     
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  2. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Welcome aboard----it can be done and you can find many willing to help here. Read journals much info here.
     
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  3. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    thx for the welcome Bobo.I certainly intend to avail myself of wealth of info here and on YBOP.
     
  4. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Well starting on on day 3.Have managed to steer away of pa related media. I think I'm still po'd w/myself, so have not began that familiar relapse cycle yet-we're all so familiar with. I really want to make a go of it-so I'll have to be vigilant and watch out for the signs and take corrective measures, sooner than later....will have to review boundaries I set, long ago trampled down .Without clear set boundaries I haven't a chance in he..ll of going forward ?..time to move on.
     
  5. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Welcome back. Lots of people who were active here 4-5 years ago and came back (myself included) because of the same old problem. Stay strong.
     
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  6. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Into day 4.feeling pretty bland.no desire to seek pa fix, at least at this point.still early,know the worst is yet to come.been looking at some posts and doing a lot of self analysis...soon day will end and I can start all over again
     
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, bro'. Be as active here as you can. 4 days in is great!
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  8. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Hey there @o2bfree
    You can do this! As Saville said be active here as you turn this ship around
     
  9. Climber

    Climber Member

    Welcome back. 5 days is a 500% improvement over 1 day. You and I can't turn the clock back -- I wish I could too. Heck, we can't even stop it from ticking. But I can make a plan on how to schedule my day tomorrow to best avoid PM, and I can lean gently forward into Victory, rather than lean back in regret.
     
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  10. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Keep up the good work, you are trucking along.
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  11. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Been awhile since posting. Have dropped by on occasion, to check on forum activity.. have had numerous relapses, but not ready to completely abandon what I want to achieve.. encouraged by some of the "older" members journal entries. Thankful, that this forum exists.
     
  12. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Keep punching sir!
     
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  13. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    "...Keep punching sir!..." appreciate your encouragement Boxer17. This is an isolated, lonely recovery road for this addiction/compulsion, whatever they're labeling it these days . There are literally millions of persons worldwide that find themselves in this parallel " universe ", yet for the most part it is swept under the rug, so to speak. Media fawns over alcoholism, drug addiction, domestic violence,etc-all worthy of our attention. But nary a peep about the consequences of pmo. Perhaps due to the shame/guilt of this form of acting out ? Or, maybe there are powerful entities that gain from this societal " vice " ? ...I guess should concentrate on my own situation, not spend my time trying to figure out a screwed up world order ?,..lol...
     
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  14. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Checking my calendar, w/b 10 days free of pmo, when days this day ends( last pmo on May 25 ) I try not to put too much pressure on myself, counting the days...but I find it useful to have some sort of yardstick to " loosely " chart my progress. I keep this on an actual paper calendar rather than my electronic devices, that way I'm not constantly looking at the app. I know that time away from pmo is only one facet of recovery process. In time away from pmo I should be exploring why I do what I do and how can I replace this with more healthy/beneficial activities. Right this moment, I'm just grateful to be apart from the madness of only 10 days ago. Yet in my mind, it seems further away, a feature of distorted time frame of long time user.( why calendar helps me realize it is only 10 days apart from now to then- must demonstrate greater perseverance and awareness of possible triggers that could send everything crashing down in an instant ) Have been reading some posts and visiting YBOP site for articles/info. I'm still in a limbo state, must buckle down and plan out my boundaries and flesh out a recovery program that is geared to me and mine personal traits and circumstances
     
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  15. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Came to do a little posting,but not much to say.Maybe this is a good thing ? ( or not ) Was looking at the forum earlier. Is reassuring to see commonality across the age spectrum. Not to say I wish this compulsive behavior on anyone, but it's a godsend there is a space where fellow "sufferers" can seek assistance/understanding...enough said.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  16. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    Have you set up any boundaries yet? Maybe you could post them here so you're accountable.
     
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  17. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Thx forlorn. something I should do. did that a long time ago on another board.
     
  18. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Haven't formally set up boundaries to this point, although they are hanging around my mind. Maybe subconsciously I don't want to solidify these, as it means truly leaving my long established alter- life ? ..I see I'm at 24 days- no pmo. But you know it seems like an eternity. I chalk this up to an addicts distorted sense of time. When you live your life from relapse to relapse you don't have a long term perspective, at least for a great portion of your life.
     
    Bobo likes this.
  19. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    Our minds play all kinds of tricks to keep us reliant on PMO. But do you really want to live the rest of your life in a recovery-relapse loop?

    If you think about it, the advantages of the PMO lifestyle are very few. It makes you feel good and helps you forget your problems.....temporarily.

    Compare that with all the benefits you'd get from a life free of your addiction - increased self esteem, reduced guilt, more likely to care for yourself, be able to look people in the eye, feel proud of the choices you're making, you'll have more time for other people, feel as if you're progressing and moving in the right direction, reaching your potential, the list goes on.....

    Everything we do is a choice. Choose wisely :)
     
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  20. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Been keeping pretty busy lately. Have had some company staying over, which has prevented me from acting out. Though this might be considered an artificial way of abstaining, it has helped me in the short term anyways ,lol..at this point any distraction could be a G-d send ?
    But I know this feeling of relief will be short lived and I must soldier on...
     
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