A New Adventure

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by gorca, Nov 19, 2012.

  1. gorca

    gorca New Member

    Hello. I am a 51 year old, single man living in Los Angeles. Without having read anyone else's journal I am sure that my story is very similar to that of many others. I have been addicted to porn from a very young age. I have lived a "normal" life except that I always carried with me this secret. I remember my mom finding a paperback book and drawings when I was around 13 years old. She was very kind about it but I was so ashamed. Still, I couldn't stop. I only learned to hide my porn better. I lived in a very religious household which increased the shame quotient ten fold. Once I moved out I was free to watch and enjoy all the porn I wanted. This was the age of video players and rentals. I carried on while balancing girlfreinds and porn as well as I could. I often wonder what my relationships might have been had I not been so deeply addicted. My addiction grew exponentially when the internet exploded. Again, probably a typical, classic case. At a point around 7 years ago I had a girlfriend who discovered my porn addiction and raked me over the coals about it in a cruel way. I sought help in 12 step programs and found relief from PMO for long periods of time. I continued in and on-and-off relationship with this same woman but it always ended in the same manner: she would snoop into my computer or phone and find my porn. About a year ago we broke up for what I hope is the last time and I have had zero contact with her. My porn addiction has known no bounds since and it has affected me in a detrimental way. I am a depressed, social anxiety-ridden isolator and I need to change. I have even contemplated suicide. I have no moral objections to suicide, but I know it is not what I want. I stumbled across this site, ironically enough, on a porn blog. The information about the effect of PMO on our brains is compelling. Intuitively I have known that our 'hunter/gatherer brain in a modern world' is a point of contention in our lives. I believe it is the cause of many of our ills but I had not made the connection to porn. Probably because I didn't want to. I do not want to go back to 12 step programs because I am an athesit and I don't have room for a 'higher power' concept. I am going to make my best attempt to leave the porn lifestyle behind me by utilizing the tools afforded here. I am looking forward to my new adventure.
  2. cmurphynh

    cmurphynh New Member

    Hi there, ironically I just started my reboot and I'm moving to Los Angeles tomorrow.

    I want to tell you that from one human being to another please don't commit suicide. I've contemplated it myself before and I found that just hearing a stranger say "don't do it" can help. You don't know me, but I care if you die man. Let's stick together for a little while and see if we can kick this habit.

    I'll be in LA in a week. I'm coming from 30 degree temps, so please keep the warm weather going until I get there. :)
  3. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    I agree. As a long time P/M addict , I can identify with what you wrote. Please don't contemplate suicide. In my worst moments of regret and sadness I have also had those thoughts but then hope and possibility win the day! There is much beauty and wonder in our naturally short lives if we give it a chance. We should not carry the regrets for our past, this tends to be guilt which we don't have to carry and serves no useful purpose.

    Be well , this is a great journey and you are a great part of the whole.
  4. SeekingPeace

    SeekingPeace New Member

    I will second the please don't commit suicide idea. I have never spoken of or written this - but I have thought about it too. Despite substantial levels of self loathing I can't let myself be that much of a coward ... I can't quit. Let alone the fact that I have kids - that would F them up for life ...

    And yes - life is beautiful I see it every day ... In all the places we all know ... The sun, the sky, a clear day, a moment of kindness

    So Please don't die. - you don't know me - but if not for any of the reasons above - stay alive - for me - I need you - really - I need the inspiration ... Maybe I can offer the same in return.

    Stay with us my man - stay with us.
  5. youngoldie

    youngoldie Onwards comrades - we have to go back!

    Hi, I am a Christian, but this never helped me leaving PMO. What we need is a community with guys who care for each other.

    We need somthing more: To write a journal, to have a ticker (I recommend one for porn and one for MO - without pics). Porn is the enemy - just keep away from it - even from the soft things - every thig which could trigger you.

    Keep on and stay strong!
  6. Buk

    Buk New Member

    Hey gorca, let me add my voice to the others here and say that I really hope you stay here and give it what you've got to beat this thing - it is definitely possible. There are loads of journals on here written by men who've been through all sorts over the years, starting out their journals with serious addictions to porn and making it through hard times to fully beat the habit. even after 30 days or so you'll be amazed at what can change in your life. I've managed a few weeks before and I couldn't believe just how far-reaching this habit is into everyday life. I'm going for 30 days to start and then aiming ever upwards - it can be done.
  7. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    And I'll throw in my two cents -- I don't have "big numbers" yet, but after several attempts to break my porn addiction alone, I've found the community here to be important an invaluable to me. Thus far, without knowing that I have these men "looking over my shoulder", there's a good chance I would have relapsed.

    So stay with us and we'll stay with you!
  8. justforkicks800

    justforkicks800 New Member

    Hi Gorca:

    Thank you for the kind words of encouragement yesterday. I really appreciate it. Like you I too tried a 12 step program but found that it was not for me. Although I have fallen off the proverbial wagon, I do believe that this website works. It is a place to read and learn about other people, both their successes and failures. What i see and like so much is the perseverence I see among the people who keep a journal here. For me knowing I am not alone is also extremely important. So stay with it, be realistic about the difficult moments and take in your success. Most of all know that you are not alone, that the addiction is real but.... that like anything it can be overcome.
  9. gorca

    gorca New Member

    I want to say thank you to all the people who have written to say 'hang in there'. I am moved. I have exactly one day and although I know there are bumpy times ahead it feels right. Amazing how much you can get done in onme evening when you're not immersed in the porn pod, isn't it?
    I also want to say that suicide is definitely off the table for me. I didn't mean for it to sound like a cry for help. But I wanted to be honest about the depths to which my spirit had sunk. At one point I really couldn't see much of a future. I have headed my blog 'A New Adventure' because I want it to be an exciting time for me full of new things.
    Now, I would like some advice if anyone is kind enough to help me out. I am committed to abstaining from PMO and any sexual contacts. I'm only on day two. As fate would have it I received a text message from someone who is very sexually tempting. Should I ignore it entirely? Do I owe this person an explanation? Of course, my addict doesn't want to close the door on this possibility, but my self respect tells me to put a stop to it and trust that I will have new and better possibilities when I am again a sane and healthy individual that can make good choices around sexuality. Any thoughts? Thank you all.
  10. gorca

    gorca New Member

    Thank you for your kind words. People sticking together is what this is all about. Thank you.
    PS Don't let people tell you 'LA sucks'. It can be a bit daunting at first but once you find your niche it's a great place to live.
  11. gorca

    gorca New Member

    Thank you for your kind words. People sticking together is what this is all about. Thank you.
    PS Don't let people tell you 'LA sucks'. It can be a bit daunting at first but once you find your niche it's a great place to live.
  12. gorca

    gorca New Member

    Thank you for responding to my post. I have been looking for a community like this forever. It means a lot that you took the time to write. Suicide is definitely off the table for me. I'm taking it one day at a time. Thank you again.
  13. gorca

    gorca New Member

    Thank you for your thoughts and your enthusiasm! I need to hear it! Wew all do, I guess. I'm not thinking of suicide any more but I wanted to share how low I'd sunk. It can be a hopeless feeling to see a porn-bubble future. thank you again.
  14. gorca

    gorca New Member

    Thank you for writing. You're right. It doesn't matter what religion we believe or even if we have none. Porn addiction doesn't discriminate. A community of people of all beliefs and backgrounds who share the same challenges and goals can be a powerful thing. Thank you so much for taking the time to write. I appreciate it greatly.
  15. gorca

    gorca New Member

    Thank you, Buk. I appreciate your words of support. I'm on day 2 and my self esteem is already boosted. I have a migraine and I don't even care! Thank you.
  16. cmurphynh

    cmurphynh New Member

    Hey Gorca,

    Good job. Keep it going. We're both doing this together.

    One that has been helping me is taking some time to read more about porn addiction on the YBOP site. They have a radio show on there too. It's amazing how the science behind our addiction deflates the power of the addiction itself. It's all about rewiring our brain and undoing some damage we caused. Once you start seeing this like changing the oil on your car or taking a workshop it gets easier.

    In my opinion, we are focused on this like its a huge mountain to climb. But, the more I learn out the brain pathways and how we screwed them up it seems more like a small hill we need to climb. We need to basically go forward and re-train our brain. No biggie!

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