Hello everyone, and thank you for creating and being part of this community. I'm sorry if you are getting pissed by a number of newbie threads, feel free to bash me if that's the case xD. However I do think that I need to figure some stuff out before getting involved. I won't get into too much detail and will try to keep it as short as possible, since I know it's going to be quite the long post anyway. TLDR on who I am : 20yo/virgin. Started watching porn weirdly late (and for the first time in my life I feel like this is an advantage). Still I need somewhat weird porn (not extreme but still ...) to feel the same pleasure as I did when I was starting out. Other than that I don't think I'm really damaged or experiencing severe ED. Now why I think the info I can gather from all other threads on various sites : I watched the Gary Wilson video literaly 2 hours ago and I have the "omg my eyes are opened now" feeling. While being extremely conscious of myself for years now, trying to fix a lot of problems, I have never thought of porn as the cause for them. I had a tough childhood. I don't think I should mention too many details but here's the important part - being physically and emotionally abused by my father; knowing that when my mother finally got the courage to get a divorce she got raped by him; having nights of her not being able to sleep, crying, and telling me stuff about sex that made me think that it is the most evil thing ever (although it probably wasn't what she was really saying, that's what my child brain thought). Knowing that she had five abortions because of having involuntary sex with him doesn't help either. Needless to say I didn't grow up as the most confident guy and when I got to the point in life when I was supposed to embrace new responsibilities as part of growing up I struggled ... I had 60-70 (probably even more) hour streaks of not sleeping, combined with throwing up randomly after eating - and all of it because of stress. So I went to a therapist (who btw is really ANTI-DRUG) and still got prescribed zoloft, which I took for 7 months, in which 7 months I actually realised how calm people feel, which was a lifesaver (I know I would have commited suicide by now if not for the drug) - but at the same time it lead to severe anhedonia + I was sleeping for 16 hours a day, so I knew it's time for me to quit the drug, which I did cold turkey. Not only did I not struggle with the withdrawal, but I actually loved the way emotions quickly came back to my life, despite it being mostly stress again. Important note on these 7 months - since sexual pleasure is diminished during intake of ssri-s, I was afraid that if I didn't actually FORCE myself to masturbate as much as I can, I'd probably get ED. Little did I know that these 16 hours of sleep were not really the drug, but the combination of : 1) my actual ability to sleep at night again 2) a result of my learnt helplessness, my fear of the unknown - my fear of doing even the easiest things in the world. I prefered sleeping to being awake and forced myself to sleep when sleep was not needed anymore. Sadly, I needed more time to acknowledge this. I visited my anti-drug therapist again and for the first time I actually told her what I was feeling (my first visit was awkward as f***, I was too shy to explain anything and ended up just begging for help). The result - wellbutrin. We both decided that a year of taking it will give me the inner strength to form good habits, that I'll continue relying upon for the rest of my drug-free life. And now a quick description of the 2 parts of my life : 1 (porn free : my life until I was almost 16) - I felt my struggles were kind of normal, I was equally gifted in science and arts - where the science part is probably me being smarter than others around me, and the art part - my subconscious means of escapism, my way of letting everything negative go. Insanely attracted by learning human psychology by myself. Actually deeply depressed although not being able to confess it to myself (note: I'm not from US, and people here aren't throwing pills at you for just feeling a little sad, so I couldn't be diagnosed that easily by others) 2 (the fap era : 16 - till now) - total lack of creativity and involvement in arts. Still showing good signs in the science department occasionally, but getting absolutely demolished by ADD symptoms most of the time. Procrastinating, feeling lethargic, still finding it tought to try something new out. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm terribly sorry if you found my b*tching not suited for this forum, but for a depression forum (or my therapist) instead, but the info I provided is important to understand my questions. Since I've had more lifechanging events happen to me in a couple of years than some people have in a lifetime, it's hard to me to realise what event caused what bad effect on me. I know for sure that porn isn't the reason for many of my problems. So I need to ask : 1. First of all - if someone here relates to a lot of that and has some experience here, I'd really appreciate some advice 2. Do you think that doing subtle steps like giving up on porn, but not masturbation; limiting myself to masturbating once weekly; can have the desired effect ? While I believe that I'm pretty good at abridging myself from things and not being a b*tch about it, I actually think that abrupt changes might be counterproductive and even dangerous for me. 3. In case you didn't know - wellbutrin makes people horny. I've gone from fapping once a day to three times a day on it, otherwise the tension gets too distracting. I just asked my therapist a few days ago - and quitting wellbutrin in this phase of my life is DUMB, and I won't do it. Please don't advise me to do so. The question is - has anyone succeeded in his 90-day quest while being on wellbutrin? Or has anyone ever tried it? Any info would mean a lot to me. 4. In the next few months, it's essential for me to be on top of my calmness, concentration, productivity, etc. While in the long run giving up on fapping is the way to achieve this, if I get worse for just a while this could be really bad for me, because it comes in an important moment of my life. Would you advise me to wait for a more suitable time, or would you encourage me to go on with it instead (2 weeks of feeling weird is no biggie - 2 months is not though). 5. Can my past of suppressing sexual desire until I was 16, combined with suppressing it now lead to any actual sexual problems? And I'm sure that I needed to ask some more stuff too, but porn-induced ADD is really bad right now xD. I hope that I get some answers and more so - I hope to get answers that make me confident that I'm doing the right thing here, so I could join your ranks. Also since I'm not a native speaker - sorry if I'm being incoherent at times.