A need for some answers before I get involved ...

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by genericnickname, Apr 17, 2012.

  1. genericnickname

    genericnickname New Member

    Hello everyone, and thank you for creating and being part of this community. I'm sorry if you are getting pissed by a number of newbie threads, feel free to bash me if that's the case xD. However I do think that I need to figure some stuff out before getting involved. I won't get into too much detail and will try to keep it as short as possible, since I know it's going to be quite the long post anyway.

    TLDR on who I am : 20yo/virgin. Started watching porn weirdly late (and for the first time in my life I feel like this is an advantage). Still I need somewhat weird porn (not extreme but still ...) to feel the same pleasure as I did when I was starting out. Other than that I don't think I'm really damaged or experiencing severe ED.

    Now why I think the info I can gather from all other threads on various sites :

    I watched the Gary Wilson video literaly 2 hours ago and I have the "omg my eyes are opened now" feeling. While being extremely conscious of myself for years now, trying to fix a lot of problems, I have never thought of porn as the cause for them.

    I had a tough childhood. I don't think I should mention too many details but here's the important part - being physically and emotionally abused by my father; knowing that when my mother finally got the courage to get a divorce she got raped by him; having nights of her not being able to sleep, crying, and telling me stuff about sex that made me think that it is the most evil thing ever (although it probably wasn't what she was really saying, that's what my child brain thought). Knowing that she had five abortions because of having involuntary sex with him doesn't help either.

    Needless to say I didn't grow up as the most confident guy and when I got to the point in life when I was supposed to embrace new responsibilities as part of growing up I struggled ... I had 60-70 (probably even more) hour streaks of not sleeping, combined with throwing up randomly after eating - and all of it because of stress. So I went to a therapist (who btw is really ANTI-DRUG) and still got prescribed zoloft, which I took for 7 months, in which 7 months I actually realised how calm people feel, which was a lifesaver (I know I would have commited suicide by now if not for the drug) - but at the same time it lead to severe anhedonia + I was sleeping for 16 hours a day, so I knew it's time for me to quit the drug, which I did cold turkey. Not only did I not struggle with the withdrawal, but I actually loved the way emotions quickly came back to my life, despite it being mostly stress again. Important note on these 7 months - since sexual pleasure is diminished during intake of ssri-s, I was afraid that if I didn't actually FORCE myself to masturbate as much as I can, I'd probably get ED.

    Little did I know that these 16 hours of sleep were not really the drug, but the combination of :
    1) my actual ability to sleep at night again
    2) a result of my learnt helplessness, my fear of the unknown - my fear of doing even the easiest things in the world. I prefered sleeping to being awake and forced myself to sleep when sleep was not needed anymore. Sadly, I needed more time to acknowledge this.

    I visited my anti-drug therapist again and for the first time I actually told her what I was feeling (my first visit was awkward as f***, I was too shy to explain anything and ended up just begging for help). The result - wellbutrin. We both decided that a year of taking it will give me the inner strength to form good habits, that I'll continue relying upon for the rest of my drug-free life.

    And now a quick description of the 2 parts of my life :
    1 (porn free : my life until I was almost 16) - I felt my struggles were kind of normal, I was equally gifted in science and arts - where the science part is probably me being smarter than others around me, and the art part - my subconscious means of escapism, my way of letting everything negative go. Insanely attracted by learning human psychology by myself. Actually deeply depressed although not being able to confess it to myself (note: I'm not from US, and people here aren't throwing pills at you for just feeling a little sad, so I couldn't be diagnosed that easily by others)
    2 (the fap era : 16 - till now) - total lack of creativity and involvement in arts. Still showing good signs in the science department occasionally, but getting absolutely demolished by ADD symptoms most of the time. Procrastinating, feeling lethargic, still finding it tought to try something new out.
    I'm terribly sorry if you found my b*tching not suited for this forum, but for a depression forum (or my therapist) instead, but the info I provided is important to understand my questions. Since I've had more lifechanging events happen to me in a couple of years than some people have in a lifetime, it's hard to me to realise what event caused what bad effect on me. I know for sure that porn isn't the reason for many of my problems. So I need to ask :
    1. First of all - if someone here relates to a lot of that and has some experience here, I'd really appreciate some advice
    2. Do you think that doing subtle steps like giving up on porn, but not masturbation; limiting myself to masturbating once weekly; can have the desired effect ? While I believe that I'm pretty good at abridging myself from things and not being a b*tch about it, I actually think that abrupt changes might be counterproductive and even dangerous for me.
    3. In case you didn't know - wellbutrin makes people horny. I've gone from fapping once a day to three times a day on it, otherwise the tension gets too distracting. I just asked my therapist a few days ago - and quitting wellbutrin in this phase of my life is DUMB, and I won't do it. Please don't advise me to do so. The question is - has anyone succeeded in his 90-day quest while being on wellbutrin? Or has anyone ever tried it? Any info would mean a lot to me.
    4. In the next few months, it's essential for me to be on top of my calmness, concentration, productivity, etc. While in the long run giving up on fapping is the way to achieve this, if I get worse for just a while this could be really bad for me, because it comes in an important moment of my life. Would you advise me to wait for a more suitable time, or would you encourage me to go on with it instead (2 weeks of feeling weird is no biggie - 2 months is not though).
    5. Can my past of suppressing sexual desire until I was 16, combined with suppressing it now lead to any actual sexual problems?

    And I'm sure that I needed to ask some more stuff too, but porn-induced ADD is really bad right now xD. I hope that I get some answers and more so - I hope to get answers that make me confident that I'm doing the right thing here, so I could join your ranks.
    Also since I'm not a native speaker - sorry if I'm being incoherent at times.
  2. liveinthenow

    liveinthenow New Member

    Hi Generic!

    Your particular combination of issues is pretty unique so it may be a while before you get a good answer. I'd recommend you keep a regular journal to ensure your post pops to the top of the list each day otherwise it will likely fade into obscurity.

    Everything I've seen and read on YBOP and this forum seem to suggest that cold turkey is best. Given that we are about remapping the brain and behaviour; reinforcing the old behaviours at regular intervals will almost certainly delay progress and even (depending I suppose on the individual) make it impossible. Many people report surprise at how easy it seems; others do have difficulty. Give it a whirl and see how you get on.

    I can't meaningfully comment on points 3 - 5.

    Good luck with your reboot :)
  3. waffel

    waffel New Member

    Hello, I'm on a similar SSRI called Escitalopram / Sipralexa, which is used for anxiety/depression.

    Although it had a negative effect on my libido I had no trouble in using it throughout my reboot (on day 53 now). I've asked my physician if abstinence would cause any trouble to the body and she clearly stated that it could do no harm for a young person, if the body has excess semen you will just get a wet dream, which is completely natural (and erotic dreams are the shit!).

    The reboot comes mostly from strenght of will in my opinion, you really need to convince yourself to change your life.

    I'd just go for it, cold turkey is the best way to complete this reboot. Stop looking at suggestive images/videos & don't try to test your dick too much.
  4. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    Hey Generic,

    I can relate a little, having suffered emotional and physical abuse as well as sexual inappropriateness (too much information) at the hands of my mother. Like you I know that PMO is by no means the whole story. However, if your goal is to have a loving sexual relationship then no PMO is essential. Masturbating is, literally, completely selfish. Sex with someone you love can be almost the complete opposite of this: it's about as intimate as it gets and involves deep relating on every level - physically, psychologically, even spiritually/existentially. Try going cold turkey - I think you'll be surprised at the results (see the Benefits section for what some guys have gained through rebooting)

    I don't think your posting here is at all inappropriate or unwanted. As liveinthenow says, keep posting - people will read (even if they don't respond) and you'll get a new perspective just from getting your thoughts etc down.

    Welcome to the forum!
  5. Henk

    Henk New Member

    Not masturbating will really speed up the process. Especially if you are using the death grip.

    If you do masturbate: stop if you are somewhere else with your thoughts. There is no need to focus. It should be that good that you don't know where you are any more. If not: stop and do something else. Otherwise your are just rushing to an orgasm, I think it is the same path as the porn. Quick and easy relief.

    I'm on 6 months of no porn. The first two months I couldn't orgasm. Then, another month I could only orgasm using death grip, but still had problems having an orgasm with a real girl. When I completely stopped jerking off I had fun in real sex again.

    If you cannot stop masturbating because of the pills you might want to try an alternative to the pills. If you are familiar in finding and reading scientific studies, there is a study that shows that about 70% of the participants that where on anti-depressive pills could really reduce their pill usage and felt better if they got 1000 mg of EPA. It is an omega-3 fat which is in vis oil. Our brain stops working correctly if we do not get enough of it, we get ADHD, schizophrenia, Alzheimer's discease, and depressions. Also healthy people that use vis oil score better on mood and stress tests.
    It can take some time (some study say it needs 9 months). I'm sorry that it isn't a quick fix. In the meantime, maybe you can get other pills that don't stimulate your sex drive?

    I only felt a bit weird of stopping PMO. You can always try to stop, and if you find out that you cannot continue with the things you have to do, continue to do it. While you have a more easy period in your life you can pick it up again. It is really hard to do it all at once. Maybe you can, maybe it is too much. It is no big deal if you try and find out that it is too much, but it is great and you will feel great if you find out that you can do it. So I recommend to stop. I think you can do it.
  6. genericnickname

    genericnickname New Member

    Thanks for the responses, guys. I'm starting it then, putting no pressure on myself to follow this religiously. Still, any fapping in the first 2-3 weeks I'd consider a failure of will. Porn is also out of question. As for EPA, my Omega-3 supplement consists of a high DHA:EPA ratio, so the EPA is 15 times lower, but that's fine by me and it keeps my brain functioning really well.

    As funny as it sounds, even after less than 72 hours of no fapping, I can feel I'm getting a lot more shit done. I don't care if it's placebo, it is awesome :D

    Despite being a programmer I'll try to stay away from internet for a few days too. I don't feel tempted by porn ads at all, but a little hiking vacation can help ease the withdrawal sympoms (if any). Cheers.
  7. genericnickname

    genericnickname New Member

    Here I am again. Although my boss thought that my vacation should end sooner, on the porn side of things everything is AWESOME.
    I actually don't know for how many days I've been PMO free (I found this site and started it 5 days ago, but I hadn't masturbated for one or two that day, so I think I've passed the week mark now).

    To be completely honest, I watched a little bit of the porn that I was deleting from my hard drive, but it was not arousing, I did it for the - "look at how pathetic I used to be" feeling - priceless. It was actually helpful in getting me motivated.

    The first 3-4 days I was super horny, almost to an uncontrollable state, but now I'm calm. When I started wellbutrin, I needed it as some help for getting me into action, keeping me more concentrated, and being more able to enjoy the small things in life. It was a success, but I'd rate the PMO abstinence as TWICE AS GOOD. Or maybe they are working in combination, who knows, I won't be quitting the drug for the next few months at least.

    I used to be under the impression that NOT masturbating can lead to erectile problems in the future - the same way that not working your muscles can lead to atrophy. I don't remember how I got to this conclusion, but I'm pretty sure I've been told that many times. Damn, if I only knew how wrong that was, I wouldn't have started in the first place. At least, I'm probably not as addicted as most people, as this certainly feels more like fighting an annoying habit, rather than a serious addiction with withdrawal symptoms. Aside from the first 3-4 days, I'm only getting benefits now - so I'm not even tempted to go back to my previous state.

    I can repeat many of the benefits listed in the site, but that's not interesting. Instead I'll add that this week has been special for one more reason - I fixed my eyesight. I used to have to wear 1 diopter glasses while driving (I wouldn't wear glasses if I'm not forced to :p). Well , not anymore. And the success is linked to my abstinence. The method I was using was heavily relying on me being in a calm, happy and cheerful state of mind, that I couldn't force myself into. Now I don't need to force myself into it - it IS my natural state of mind. If you had told me one week before, that my biggest problem in 7 days will be fighting bureaucracy to get a new driver's licence, that says that my eyesight is perfect - I wouldn't believe it.

    And one other benefit that's not strictly mentioned on the list - I can calculate bigger numbers in my head. QUITE NOTICABLY in fact. This may fall into the "better concentration"category, but I felt like getting it written here.

    So, I guess I'm no need for answers now. I'll stick around in this forum to mention other benefits I get, because this is the best way to motivate the new guys. :)
  8. genericnickname

    genericnickname New Member

    K, new problem on the horizon

    Since day 2, peeing had been rather painful. Especially at the end of my "peeing sessions" :D I'd feel quite the pain down there. I'm not sure if it's the pc muslces or something near them, but the pain I'd say was not the strongest one ever, but still pretty damn strong and more than enough to make me worry that something is not right.

    Every single day it got worse so I had two options - fap or go to the doctor. But come to think of it, the doctor's conclusion would be that I should fap. So I did, at the end of day 7 or 8 (a.k.a. yesterday). Today, the pain is gone. What remains is me being pissed off - I really wanted to go for a month or two without PMO just to prove myself that I had the willpower. I was actually 100% sure that I'd succeed, as the only days that were tough for me were day 1,2 and 3. From then on, the benefits were so good, that I would just turn down any temptation. But alas ... *sigh*. It was a weird one, there was sperm coming out quite before the "point of no return". Actually I don't know when the point of no return, or the orgasm was, I didn't feel ANYTHING pleasant going on in the brain. It was just like my penis had been waiting for this,as it started ejaculating watery sperm (I think there was pee in it, not sure tho) - as if it was saying "geez, it's about time".

    As for effects on me fapping - I still have no brain fog, I still need less sleep and feel a little bit more energetic. However, I also feel lazier, so I'm now convinced that full abstinence has more benefits. However, if the pain occurs again I might have to give it up and settle for "rare" masturbation instead. Has anyone else experienced this ? Reading your journals, I see that some of you pee sperm, but none ejaculate pee. Is there anything I've missed ?

Share This Page