A lost boy's journey through dark woods towards real manhood and integrity

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by titan_transcendence, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I did actually quite well today. It was full and busy day, with good social interaction with one friend, and going to gym, one arrangement and so on. The day was totally clean, without any P or self-soothing in wrong ways.

    Thanks Gil and MissingSelfCompassion for rooting me.
    Gil, you wrote wisely. Its not easy to see the slow gradual change of doing better. Its very easy to be impatient and want things to be better right away. You also wrote earlier about finding the Purpose. Thats very essential to one's mental health.

    MissingSelfCompassion, your words struck some right cord in me. You are right, why to put aside these obvious benefits Im now experiencing: silencing the defeating voice in my head and slowly feeling more energetic, not feeling dead-tired anymore every day? You are absolutely right, let the other things wait for tomorrow, for future. Everything in its due time. Maybe its time for me to learn to have little trust towards life, that things will sort out. My worrying about them will not change it any better, at all.
     
  2. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    3 days since last use. It has been mostly smooth sailing for me. The meds kill the urges and otherwise I have some energy to do things. Creativity is still on the hold, though. I have exercised quite goodly, met my friends and read books, took naps with my cat. Good life, in general. It feels good beyond words not to be in constant emotional turmoil and anguish, just being at ease with myself, with my thoughts. :) I hope that one day I can achieve this stage without any chemical help. Because this feels the true me, not the other one who was so desperate, down and hopeless. :(
     
    Gilgamesh, Saville and Libertad like this.
  3. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    That's so good to hear! I'd say that any help is welcome, especially if it works this well.
     
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  4. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I got huge hangover yesterday and relapsed to 2xPMO. I must be wary in situations like that. It felt that I did not have any resistance at the moment.
    I try to have clean days again. My mood has been quite good today, in spite of the relapse. It feels like the bad effect that the meds did to libido is waning and I feel now more like "normal" myself in that area.

    Edit. I think I have became more aware to root cause of my "current" relapses. Its my indifference towards my life. I simply do not have enough motivation to do anything productive. Going to gym, making food and stuff. But nothing else. I see no point in trying. Thats also why I drink so much. Not caring anymore. Not expecting much from my life anymore. This is my biggest problem which have plagued me for year or so. How to find that motivation, that spark in life which seems to be lost for me? I settle for just being alive, not truly living.
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2019 at 3:53 PM
  5. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 2. Feeling today irritated of many little things, but at least I have remained clean. Also went to gym. My friend will visit me shortly and then I plan to go visit my parents. Sometimes I feel that even that I am unemployed guy I would not have any time left for any woman. Maybe this is the natural way of life for myself.
     
  6. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I hope you realize that this is a downward spiral. The more you drink, the less you'll feel life is worth living, the more you'll want to drink. Keep looking for that spark, it is really there somewhere!
     
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  7. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Relapsed to 1 PMO this night. The sleep evades me now, so I try to analyze this relapse. I spend the day alone, only with my cat as an company. I did some exercise at the gym and went bicycling, but did not interact with any people. It seemed that no-one in the wide world did not miss me, so the familiar loneliness crept in. Even at the morning I incidentally saw one half-naked pic of a pop star at Ebay. I think my resistance started to crumble from there. Then, during the night-time, when I felt tired I opened the familiar pages and had that trip to P land. My excuse was that it did not matter anyways. Which actually meant that I felt towards myself that I do not matter. Formerly my relapses was mostly because of the high stress and anxiety. Now its more or less my own choice and stems from my loneliness and the feeling that there is nothing but this same old for me in the life anyways.
    I wanted to start the new try right away, because the self-hate do not any good. I just must continue the struggle and try to keep the awareness whats truly good for me next time.
     

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