A lost boy's journey through dark woods towards real manhood and integrity

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by titan_transcendence, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    That's so good to hear! I'd say that any help is welcome, especially if it works this well.
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  2. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I got huge hangover yesterday and relapsed to 2xPMO. I must be wary in situations like that. It felt that I did not have any resistance at the moment.
    I try to have clean days again. My mood has been quite good today, in spite of the relapse. It feels like the bad effect that the meds did to libido is waning and I feel now more like "normal" myself in that area.

    Edit. I think I have became more aware to root cause of my "current" relapses. Its my indifference towards my life. I simply do not have enough motivation to do anything productive. Going to gym, making food and stuff. But nothing else. I see no point in trying. Thats also why I drink so much. Not caring anymore. Not expecting much from my life anymore. This is my biggest problem which have plagued me for year or so. How to find that motivation, that spark in life which seems to be lost for me? I settle for just being alive, not truly living.
    Last edited: May 20, 2019
  3. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 2. Feeling today irritated of many little things, but at least I have remained clean. Also went to gym. My friend will visit me shortly and then I plan to go visit my parents. Sometimes I feel that even that I am unemployed guy I would not have any time left for any woman. Maybe this is the natural way of life for myself.
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I hope you realize that this is a downward spiral. The more you drink, the less you'll feel life is worth living, the more you'll want to drink. Keep looking for that spark, it is really there somewhere!
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  5. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Relapsed to 1 PMO this night. The sleep evades me now, so I try to analyze this relapse. I spend the day alone, only with my cat as an company. I did some exercise at the gym and went bicycling, but did not interact with any people. It seemed that no-one in the wide world did not miss me, so the familiar loneliness crept in. Even at the morning I incidentally saw one half-naked pic of a pop star at Ebay. I think my resistance started to crumble from there. Then, during the night-time, when I felt tired I opened the familiar pages and had that trip to P land. My excuse was that it did not matter anyways. Which actually meant that I felt towards myself that I do not matter. Formerly my relapses was mostly because of the high stress and anxiety. Now its more or less my own choice and stems from my loneliness and the feeling that there is nothing but this same old for me in the life anyways.
    I wanted to start the new try right away, because the self-hate do not any good. I just must continue the struggle and try to keep the awareness whats truly good for me next time.
  6. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 1 (going). I woke up to the new morning with the familiar melancholic feeling after the relapse. There is a sadness in me, feel like being an old man just waiting for grave. I wrote this up so that I would be more aware of this next time. With the "high" that P momentarily gives, there will always be a price to pay. So I must go through this low to feel little better. I will go to gym, and try to sleep during daytime too, maybe take 1-2 naps.
    I struggle with this isolated feel that I have fallen to. I remembered after the break up, how I was full of lust for life and expected great things to happen. But the painful truth came out with time. That it was obvious, that it was me who was responsible for the stale life in my former relationship. It was me who still have not learned to reach out towards people, who have tendency to isolate. The fact is, I have never learned to truly live. I have always felt to be outsider, not having much common with other people. I understand that I should have searched further for the same- minded individuals but I have instead settled to my loneliness. Even having some kind of twisted romantic feeling about it. How to breach these walls that I have build around myself? Because part of me do not want to do that. I guess I will just linger on the fringes of life, going to some random gig and appearing in gym and such. But rare people ever learned to know me, even change a word with me.
    I have found some drinking buddies, but they are younger than me. I understand these to be only temporary "friends" for me. Alcoholism was never an answer to my real needs. Also, my aging parents cross my mind many times nowadays, because I know I must soon prepare to say goodbye to them. No one lives forever. After that, my life will be more empty than ever. Im worried how I can carry out then.
    Maybe the relapse have cast a shadow to my feelings now, because there has been more brighter days also. When I just enjoy simple things and being on my own.
  7. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I have thought thoroughly this latest phase of mine, which have been going on since last autumn. It seems I manage 4-5 days, then relapse. Even if at times managed not to have O for a week or so, the P use has been quite constant endeavor for me. I have not thought much of use, because it has not dominated me so strongly as it used to do. But still it has sapped my energy and made me feel more powerless and without hope. The O's definitely are most harmful, and total abstinence would make me feel so much better. Good thing about meds is that they have taken completely my morning urges away. It was big problem for me until now. Its during the evening now that my relapses happen.
    I realize now that I need longer streaks of cleanliness than just few days to see the good effects. Its same as with any big self-improvement project: if you want to build muscle, just erratic visit to gym will not get you very far. Or even more comparable is if you are heavily overweight, just eating goodly for few days and then going back to junk food will make the project more or less useless. Im building a momentum to finally gather some days. I understand that just abstaining is not enough, but its essential to have a good start to even have enough energy to think something else. If one is lost in the post-O melancholy and after slowly build up of energy then wastes it again away, its never-ending cycle which make sure that one is stuck in the current situation for good.
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Have you the ability to take a holiday? Sometimes going somewhere else can kick start something within us.
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  9. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day2 (something about my forum Badge seems broken?)

    Yesterday was quite gloomy for me. Even at the gym I was sullen and withdrawn. Did not want to even look at other people. I understand it was because of PMO night before. I felt tired and little depressed. Then I started drinking at the evening and it immediately lifted my mood. I contacted that metal girl who is my drinking buddy and she invited me to come to see some of her friends. Most her friends are male, but this time there were couple of young woman. Others boyfriend came there too after some time. We went to visit one bar and my friend came to drink at my place after that.
    I understand that using this much alcohol is not good for me, but still, because it was social drinking and I had a good time with these people, I can not condemn it too badly. Maybe its good for me for now. Im grateful for this woman, who have many friends and extroverted nature, that she has taken me as her friend and with that I have met more people in just a year than ever before in my life. Socializing, being part of the group, seeing that many people are actually very nice, all these things are beyond precious to isolated guy like myself.
    I should just learn to moderate the amount Im drinking. I do not do it because feeling awkward or shy, more its just like a bad habit.
    Even that I have a hangover today, Im in quite good mood (especially compared to yesterday before the evening) and will not even consider to relapse.
    Eternity and Gil79 like this.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    That sounds really great. Maybe keep this often used phrase here in mind: long term satisfaction over immediate gratification. That night out seems to give long term satisfaction. Fulfillinh social interaction, building friendships. Just Awesome.

    And going to the gym despite PMO hangover? Awesome as well. I can take an example to this: both the socializing and the gym!
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I agree that hanging out with real people is important; it's something that many of us (I suspect) don't do, at least not regularly. I don't encourage drinking, but if it doesn't lead to PMO I think you know on what to focus the most.
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  12. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 3. I was yesterday evening at one punk gig with another female friend. I met this woman at a concert awhile ago. Not been much contact, but I can ask her to join me to some gigs. The evening went well and even that I sipped few beers, not been in any trouble this morning.
    Slowly, Im starting to feel better. The socialization is the key to avoid pitfalls of P. I do not have even need of P if I have had a good amount of socialization recently. I should try to have even more contact to people. I think its true for any addict also. If we start to sink into isolation and depressed thoughts, its guaranteed to lead to relapse, to have false intimacy in the place of true contact. I do not believe that it needs to be sexual. Any good socialization will do, at least for myself. I have decided to forget even the thoughts about the sex currently. It will come in its due time, when Im truly ready for it. I will try to believe so.

    I have also thought a lot what Gilgamesh have said in the board recently. That we should imagine ahead of the positive feelings what abstaining will do us, as we have quite unconsciously done before when planning to relapse. I have tried this tactic and it seems to work for me. I think how I feel tomorrow, if will remain clear from P, and will plan some good thing to do, like going to gym, cycling in the nature and so on. How good I will feel tomorrow if have chosen the right thing today.
    Saville likes this.
  13. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 4. Quite good, busy day. I went to the gym at the morning and one shopping trip by foot, with my ex (who is now my friend). I think it was 10 kilometers of walking, enough for one day. At the shopping center I was again reminded how incredible many hot looking women are out there. But at my age, most of them are much younger than myself, and I do not see them anymore as an (lost) opportunities. I have settled for my age-group, and since majority of woman in my age have lost their appeal, its easier to accept to live without a partner. Maybe it seems superficial and P influenced thinking to say thing like that, but I can not help how I see most of the middle-aged women very dull. Time has passed by for me to try to get something that I would feel attracted to and I can not but accept that fact.

    But it was full day, and enough socializing. Now its good just to linger in my home with my cat the rest of the evening. :)
  14. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    There is only one person responsible for the quality of your life. That person is you. You must take personal responsibility, you cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind but you can change yourself.

    The above quote is from a book by Jack Canfield called the Success Principles. The first chapter is about fully accepting responsibility for the way our lives have turned out (everything you experience today is the result of choices you have made in the past).

    You say you do not have enough motivation to change and you're struggling to go more than a few days clean. One thing that I found helpful to get some motivation and momentum was an exercise my therapist told me about. Make a list of 4 benefits that you will get if you stop acting out sexually. The huge benefits of stopping need to have a higher profile in your automatic thinking than the pull of the fake benefits of acting out. Reinforce through HOURLY reminders what these benefits are.

    The reason I think this exercise may be helpful to you is because it sounds like you're constantly beating yourself up with negative self talk. That's why it's so important to do it hourly (to begin with it at least). You need to disrupt your current patterns of thinking. The 4 reasons will be personal to you, but to give you an example it could be something like "I'll feel better about myself (less social anxiety), improved self respect, feel as if I'm fulfilling my potential" etc.
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  15. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 7 :cool: This is longest streak for a long time.
    Yesterday I had a bout of anxiety. It was because listening too much to other people's relationship problems. :confused: Im too sensitive and very easily affected in that way.
    At the evening went to another gig with that metal girl. Got to know some new nice people again. :)
    When I think these times, I have never been this much social than for now.
    Good effects of abstaining are also there, I can not deny to feel more sure for myself and without constant shame now.
    Going to visit one woman this evening. She suggested for me kind of snuggle- relationship, that if one us would feel like it, other could offer some comfort. Not in sexual way. I liked the idea very much and was very surprised about her offer. This really happened out of blue! :cool: I have met this woman couple of times, she has much of baggage but maybe that would not affect me in kind of loose friendship. I will not want to return the same situation as I was with my ex. I trust to be more experienced and with better confidence now to avoid that kind of thing happening.

    Forlorn: your suggestion feels very good to me. I will make that list for my next post. :)
  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Having a gig buddy must be great. I like concerts, but... going there alone just isn't as fun. I'd definitely go see more if I had someone to spend time with before, during, and after.
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  17. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    My list of benefits will be:

    I. I will be in more calm mood, without constant lows that using the drug (P) will make me to feel. I can take the day as it will come, not being doomed it to depressed state in advance because of the previous day's acting out.

    II. I will feel more self-confidence, because the unconscious shame is not there. I will not feel inferior or bad person, as I tend to feel if I use. That will affect to all my social interactions with other people for better.

    III. I will be more productive, and could find better the inspiration. Using P, and recovering from it is a huge waste of time, which I could very well spend to find real contentment in my life, as going outdoors in nature, listening to music, reading good books, just learning to hang out with myself without constant need to escape.

    IV. Stopping P use will make the real intimacy possible. Its not likely that I can interact with women in right state of mind if been using that drug. I will feel more energy and real intent to find connection with opposite sex, if being clean. Also, I guess it will rise my attractiveness in their eyes too.
    That said, I also understand that sex is not all-important-matter. Its good by itself, but I can live perfectly fine even without it, just directing my life-energies to other ways.

    The date with my snuggling- buddy did not happen last night. But that was ok, I just spend my day reading books and being home alone with my cat. It was good to calm down a bit after the previous days gig and social interactions with various new people.
    A New Man likes this.
  18. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Great list.

    The huge benefits of stopping need to have a higher profile in your automatic thinking than the pull of the fake benefits of acting out. Reinforce through hourly reminders what these benefits are. It seems simple but it's actually quite a powerful exercise. It should help you stay focused and build some momentum.
    Last edited: May 31, 2019
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  19. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 9
    First time thought about acting out this morning. Had quite good MW. Its understandable, because full sexual energy takes about 10 days to return. Now Im near it. Should I lose it in vain- of course not! Now its the time for resilience and determination. To think about it: every single acting out will cost you ten days of your life. To seriously weaken that life-force, masculine energy that is our birth-right. By losing it we will be lesser men, meek addicts with lots of self-hate and shame, with diminished self-confidence and awareness. The cost is way too high to fall into that pit of despair, to that vicious circle of self-abuse, remorse and slow recuperation until felling flat in the face again.. Not today! :cool:

    I will go to gym after eating some breakfast. Then, I will plan my day as it comes. I will read and reread the list I made yesterday to stay strong. Because now Im in battlefield and the enemy probes first time my defences.
    Wish me strength! I wish it too, all of you men struggling with this life- debilitating, soul-crushing addiction.
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2019
  20. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Go Titan - you can do this. Just remember, we're all fighting the same battle. Thanks to this forum we can pick each other up lean on each other but when those urges come it can be tough - fight or run if you have to but don't give up or give in. You're a really great man (I chose those words carefully) - despite so much going wrong you never give up and never stop coming here to share your troubles and experience.

    Keep going!

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