A lost boy's journey through dark woods towards real manhood and integrity

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by titan_transcendence, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, you do have fight in you still. None of us knows where to start, so we just pick a place and begin. Writing in your journal is already a great start.

    Also, I wouldn't look to google or Wikipedia for self-diagnosis. Labels never do us any favors. A few years ago I did a workbook written by psychologist David Burns called The Feeling Good Handbook. I picked it up on impulse. It is about using cognitive behavioral therapy and to retrain our thinking. I found it helpful myself and I use the principles to this day when I find my thinking getting circular.

    Your voice is a welcome here. Your journeys been bumpy, but you have much to offer the community.
     
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  2. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys. Your words truly makes a difference to me. I have no idea where I would like to go or what to achieve in my life, but still I can at least try to be more aware of things and hope to find some clue in there. If days just drift by without awareness theres little possibility for a change.
    I want to sum up a little what happened my during the last fall, during my absence from this forum.
    In a local bar I met one woman much younger than myself. She had just gothic/metal girl look I dig in women. After our first evening at the bar, we went to my place and there was an opportunity for sex. But I froze and did not make the right moves, did not initiate anything so that woman disappointed and went to her home. She lives very nearby. I was sure I would never hear from her again. But she forgot some clothes in my apartment and contacted me day after. After that she became my drinking buddy for some time. She have a lot of young friends, mostly male. We went together for many gigs. I liked that company and her friends are quite likable people too. But the amount of drinking! I was fed up with the whole thing at the start of this year and kind of lost contact to them, because do not want to become an alcoholic.
    Also, the woman found a new boyfriend and begun to hang with him more. Still, first time in my life I felt like I was part of some group that hanged out together.

    I also tried Tinder and got some matches. Met few women, but after the first meet, there was never interest for a second. Even if I would have liked to meet some of them again. During this year, even that place seems to have dried out of changes for me. Not got matches anymore. One date for a start of this year and same story, not second one.

    So, again if I gather my thoughts, it has not all been just doom and gloom for me.
    I had an second opportunity for sex just last weekend (those two have been only ones since break up of my spring's short-time dating with that difficult woman that I told about back then). That woman was friend of my drinking buddy. That opportunity happened when I just went drunk to my local bar and was again quite surprise for me. But again, no sex. After the bar closed we went to woman's home and ate some food in there. Then she said that she did not want sex and that was it. Why to drag me to in her place and then we just ate together? Afterwards I was happy in some sense that nothing happened, because she is friend of that drinking friend.
    But still.. It seems that even my one night stands prove to be an failures for some reason. I seem to have something that women might find some interest, but then some off-putting quality too, which prevents the sex or anything further from happening.
    Any thoughts about this?
     
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I see some positives in what you wrote. You're right, it has not been all doom and gloom. :)

    I have been out of the dating scene a long, long, time, but I think we must just enjoy what's in front of us, without any expectations. I think her telling you that she didn't want sex could actually be a good thing. She might be tired of the one-night stands and saw you at someone who would respect her. We can never know what's going on in someone else's head.

    Are you working out these days?
     
  4. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Yes, thats another big change that I made, I changed the gym where I have frequented over 10 years to more expensive, youthful place. The old place was quite grumpy and filled with retired old folks. This new place is filled with youngsters and is of better quality. That gave me a boost to train and now I have frequented gym 4x week, compared to 2x that I used to do. :) The more I write things down, I realize good things. Its peculiar, how depressed mind is completely blind to all of them. :(
    I also have got 3 women that I have as friends online, too, I chat with one or two of them every day. Even if they are not likely to ever be interested in relationship with me, thats still something too.
     
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  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Youthful gyms are the bomb! The one I go to has lots of eye candy and a good vibe. :cool:

    Man, this is so true! :)
     
  6. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I was just writing and thinking about this in my own journal. It is pecular and cruel punishment that the solutions to depression are so difficult for us, as basically intelligent guys, to impliment in our lives. What is the solution?? other than 100% lucidity 100% of the time?
     
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I do not have depression, so forgive me if it seems I'm talking out my ass. I have felt defeated by life and deflated by circumstance, but I retain within me always a spirit of hope that things will get better. Being a little Pollyanna-ish can be useful. :) Anyway, my thoughts. You say @Caoimhín that it is "cruel" punishment that solutions to depression are difficult. Why is that cruel punishment? I'm only asking a question, not invalidating how you feel, ok? When I turn around what you said it seems to me that you are saying "because solutions are cruel they are hard to implement." It's interesting your choice of word. You didn't say that it was hard, or difficult, or confusing, you said "cruel." So, if something is cruel, why would we want to use such a solution?

    If we perceive something as peculiarly cruel then it actually gives us an excuse to stay where we are. To give an example. If I say "youth is wasted on the young," then this gives me an excuse not to further myself as I age. It's something us oldies say, as if we would do things differently if we were suddenly given a young body. I asked @Doofus to rephrase a sentence and I think this could be rephrased to. How would that sentence look if you put a positive spin on it? I know this is TT's journal (sorry TT) but I think it's useful for everyone.
     
  8. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Saville, Caoimhín, thanks of your feedback.

    This was another very difficult day for me. I felt defeated right after I woke up. My sleep quality was not sufficient and energy drink that I imbued last evening was not good for me either. Today was dose of depression, anguish and hopelessness for me. I tried to do all good things. I went to walk at the morning. I went to the gym at midday. I took 2 hours nap with my cat at the evening. But feelings still persists. Its like ever going struggle in my mind. I have learned to do good things and sometimes even remember to do them. But even them are not a cure, they are just a way to pass another day somehow.
    I can not but wonder how my life went up to be like this. Its just as Caoimhín said, only 100% lucidity will help to survive somehow. The whole depression thing is a big tangled net with so many quagmires. I know how and what do to, to go outside more, to get a job, to be part of society. But its not easy and even that I have took small steps in right direction, time goes by very fast. Part of my depression comes of the realization that I have already left youth behind me and Im still struggling at the starting line, when others have accomplished nearly all common things at my age. Its those thoughts, that its too late, and whats it the point to achieve anything at this age anymore. Also the thought that Im unlovable and have missed normal sexual life that any normal individual seems to have no trouble achieving.
     
  9. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    @Saville - it seems like @titan_transcendence answered your above question far better than I can. Depression adds a level of complexity where you can logically see the way out of it but you cannot move towards salvation. It is cruel because it is there before you but unattainable.

    @titan_transcendence : I seriously could have written the entire passage I quoted. So, I feel your pain.
     
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    No, I get that for sure. But, passing another day isn't so bad. Some on here wrote that we put Fred in front of Barney and keep going. Some days are like that. It really sounds like you did well today, TT. If we can make our level of suffering just a bit better then that's a good thing.

    We all feel the above from a greater to lesser degree. There isn't one man here who would say he feels accomplished and that youth hasn't passed him by. I'm not discounting how you're feeling, though, I know it's very real. Again, I think you might find it worth while to do some Cognitive Behavioral Training. I bought the book I mentioned above and worked my way through it. Just a thought!

    You are NOT unlovable. Someone here asked me, I think it was Zippy, if I loved myself. At the time I wasn't at all sure I even liked myself. I think first we allow that we are imperfect and that we are allowed to be that way. We have a certain set of skills and that's OK. It's even exciting, because it's fun learning new things and training our brains to respond in different ways.

    What made you feel that the Goth world was one you fit into?
     
  11. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I have actually given this some thought lately. Maybe its just my preference and I see at goth girls some kind of (wicked) mystical woman presence which Im attracted to. But maybe there are other aspects about the matter too. Metal and goth are an underground subculture and somehow for people who not feel part of that normal white-tie society. Of course, there are many types of individuals in that group too. Not all are "freaks"or otherwise dysfunctional people in there. But that part is one that has tempted me to that "dark side". My own isolation, loneliness, feeling of not being part of society. But now I have begin to think that is it so good to identify oneself as an outsider? Because, by making it part of my personality it kinds of lock me down in that image, and so I do not even need to challenge myself to open up and see if I can find some connection to people elsewhere too. This is a tough question for me, because if I try to get rid of that outsider's identity, I do not even know how I really am. :confused: That is very scare thing to face.
     
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I think we're all outsiders. One of the reasons we seek to join a group is so we won't feel isolated. So, I think you're right, thinking of yourself as an outsider can actually be positive. That way, we recognize that it's ok just to be ourselves, no matter who we're with. Being an outsider means we'll be more tolerant of others, because we aren't holding onto some group bias. It also says that we are not broken, not defective, we are just our special selves. :)

    What's awesome is when we're with others we have something different to contribute, because we aren't cut from the same cloth as so many others. It is scary to realize that we are in this alone, but it can also be invigorating and exciting. :)
     
  13. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Another obstacle for me: my constant lack of energy. Most days I feel burned out, like snuffed out candle. Yesterday and today I felt so dead tired that I had to take 3 hour nap. Im horrible person if I try to do things when that tiredness hampers me. I got mad about everything. Yesterday in my rage I managed to poke my finger so that my nail broke.
    Its not easy to make positive changes in ones' life with lack of energy. In weekends lately, when I could go outside to try bars or just meet friends, I prefer to stay alone in my home because feel so tired and just want to sleep. If I would by some miracle manage to get an relationship, this would also make it very challenging. I would get tired very quickly just by going to one place to another. That happened last spring with that difficult woman I tried to be with.
    Also, it makes trying to get a full time job impossible. Now I do just 4 hour/day rehab job at the library in only of couple of days/week and still feel dead tired after so few hours of work.
    What I described in my before post how I must try to run ahead of depression makes me feel exhausted at the end. So it seems to be either depression by just isolation or exhaustion and depression by trying to do things. :(
     
  14. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Naps are good! Don't fight them!!

    Regarding your above thoughts about being an outsider. I too never fit in the popular crowds and gravitated towards alternative music. Much of it was moody, intense, dark. I felt like an outsider. Tough when you are young... but much easier when you pass a certain age because then being different is more of a personality trait: unique, creative, etc. To accept this suggests that you are getting to know yourself better and to appreciate the unique gifts that you can contribute to your community. It is similar to the cup half full but it is more than that because it is not just "an improvement in your attitude". It is an improvement in your self-knowledge. That is the key to success.
     
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  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I have also been blessed with a lack of energy. :) I know how hard it is to do anything when you feel the weight of fatigue hit you. The fatigue is real, but I also think it is part and parcel of having been defeated early on in our lives. However, there are strategies to help. @Caoimhín mentioned to Libertad about one strategy regarding meditation.

    Cold showers are, for me, the best way to start my day. Hard to feel sleepy under freezing water. :D My habits dictate my day. I like to play uplifting music as I prepare breakfast. Also, weather permitting, a short walk around the block can really help...stuff like that. We were beat down a little at a time, over many years, and so it takes time to overcome that. Our default is to feel tired.

    Also, it could be you have some form of sleep apnea. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea a few years ago. At the present moment I'm doing something about it, which is losing weight and not drinking. I think my sleep will improve as my weight goes down. There are no quick fixes and, in fact, I feel sleepy right now just typing this out. However, I'm going to go to the gym and workout. It's funny, but I almost never feel tired at the gym. Also, when I'm doing something that I really enjoy I never feel tired.

    Have you ever tried doing a ketogenic diet?
     
  16. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Yes, its those feelings of being defeated through my whole life. But there's also something else. I fear that I completely burned out myself during my difficult relationship which lasted 15 years. There was constant anxiety, over-worrying of things, insecurity.. It was not all bad, there was some good moments too. But mostly our chemistry was some kind of flawed and it lead me to assume nice-guy savior role, neglecting my own needs, and ultimately, betraying her needs for a supporting, loving partner as well. I was just clinging there in desperation, until she ended it. For that im grateful as well as our years together. Because she is still the only woman who have ever accepted me, even if it was not so healthy relationship.
    But the question is, how can I aspire to make changes, even hope to yet experience new things in my life, if I have an energy level of 90 year old man?
    I should try cold showers, I definitely go out for walks, I prefer to listen energizing music at gym. But this exhaustion has been there nearly since the anxiety left me. I remember having spurts of energetic feeling when abstaining from P just a year ago. Now it makes no change to my being. Also, I have lost nearly all sexual interest for a year now. I watch P occasionally, but its dull. Im not hooked anymore because I simply not feel interest to sexuality. That will not help me to have interest to find a new partner. I think the things are connected and because my brain is burned out and tired all the time, I can not feel arousal anymore. Its curious that not even MO feel bad for me anymore. But it not feel good either. Its all just big indifference, whether I touch myself or not.
     
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Cold showers are the bomb!

    As I mentioned before I get lots of fatigue. So, we are often tired and that a deal in our lives. Mozart wrote a requiem when he was dying. The times when we do have energy we must work, I think. And, by work I mean this is a great time to do a little something different. You already go to the gym regularly (awesome) so you know you can do that when you feel tired.

    Burn-out is also real. After my last affair which ended many years ago now, I thought I'd never recoup my losses. I'm still affected by all the drama of that time and feel I lost a lot of creativity. But, we can't give up. We must keep on going. There's absolutely no point in being upset about the past or going over it...it's gone.
     
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    And...at one point in our lives we were all eggs, just waiting for our dad to send his swimmers to us. At the point of activation we couldn't wait to spring into life. Everything in us had a purpose and that was to develop into the life-force we are now. We weren't tired in-utero. We didn't know what fatigue or burn out meant. We didn't wait an extra month to be born because we were tired. You'd think after traveling the birth canal that we'd need time to just chill, but instead we filled up our lungs and shouted. This is who we are. That shout is still within us, the primal cry. I believe we ALL can rediscover our birth right.
     
  19. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    @Saville you are so right in this sentiment. So much of our lives has become distraction from reality. The real world is out there but here we are playing so many games with life. I think that is why some kind of mindfulness practice can help relink our body and mind to the one life we have to live. (And I am completely aware that, even though I write this and in my saner moments try to live this, I often fall back onto old habits.)
     
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  20. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Short update: still feeling mostly very low. Energy level has been little better after I started running after a long pause. But my mood remains forlorn. I seek to find some kind of inner peace by abandoning all hope to find anything outside. I must find to feel contentment in my solitary life and practices. By solitary, I mean without any partner for love. Im lucky to have some good friends, my parents and my cat and that should be enough for me.

    Edit. Considering this P addiction: I seem to have lost this unhealthy escape route too, because seem to have lost my interest to sexual things for some time now. Nothing stirs my interest in it anymore, even that I use P quite rarely nowadays. Maybe its connected with my depression.
    What is bad thing is, that I have started to have cravings for alcohol far more than ever in my life. So the addiction in any form is just a way to try to feed the void inside of me.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2019

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