A lost boy's journey through dark woods towards real manhood and integrity

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by titan_transcendence, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Saville is right action is the key just doing something anything just simple things like cook yourself a nice breakfast then wash up then a shower and a short walk, that will give you a good start to the day, not rushing around trying to get everything done just nice and slow and try it with headphones in apart from music you can listen audio stories or podcasts on whatever interests you.
    After my last relapse I have blocked youtube not just because of the porn subs on there but also all the other crap I'd watch and watch and there is all ways another video to see it just such a waste of time and it's like I get hypnotised by it and then I procrastinate and nothing gets done and all the little things I haven't done build up then I feel worse in myself.
  2. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 2 without P - Yes even against all odds Im trying again!

    I consider this to be day 2 without use, even that I opened one sex cam site last midnight, watched it like one minute and then closed it to go to rest.
    Somehow, I try to attain the amount of cleanliness if not for else than purity's sake. I feel more calm without use, I know it.
    That said, Im still beset in very melancholic mood. I listen most sorrowful music that I can find most of the time, I linger in moods of loss and mourning of something.. Some way I feel like this is part of my identity, and I can not know what happiness means?
    I have been quite isolated lately, but still done some good things as well. My dieting goes well and I managed to stop my binge-eating habit. Im jogging again, doing yoga daily, going to gym regularly. I have enjoyed time with my cat, and started to go outside for little walks with him. The cat is so overtly happy with that change It feels good to me also. I have wrote with some women online with meager results. There is one quite interesting woman who seems to match in many things with myself even if I have had not any expectations at all when started to write with her. I take my time of just writing with her, because she can write fluently and have some interesting thoughts. I feel no rush at all to arrange meetings and she seems to go along at same lines with that.
    Then the bad. I have used some P quite regularly, almost every day. I also have managed to reawaken my old fetish thoughts. Its the nature of this addiction that little by little the things starts to escalate. I also miss still my former ex, dearly. I do not want to go back with her, but I feel that my heart still will belong to her. I do not know how to find a room for anyone else in it.. I can not understand the desperate aspect of this love that I feel to her. She seems more happy now, in her new relationship, even if the guy is quite a brute. They have very passionate relationship, but Im not envious of it, just happy if she is happy. She is still as a kind of best friend to me, contacting me daily, sharing her day.
    Also, I still feel totally stuck in my social life. I feel not adequate to any jobs, I have hardly any self-esteem at all. What I feel inside is more like a contempt, deep self loathing, self-hatred even. Im not happy with myself. Its very difficult to feel positive of myself and to love myself - hardly possible. I can not understand why I sunk this low again, I felt genuinely better at the start of this year.

    Saville and Dig Deep, I know you are right. I tend to over-think things. It should just be simple every day chores and tasks, without thinking that seems to work best. But in my nature is very strong need for deep, resolute answers of what to do of my life? Why Im living, what for? How to live and what to accomplish? What is the meaning of all that is called my existence, do it matter at all or is it of utmost importance to use your time productively and enjoy our passing moments fully?
    There is this constant fight inside of me between the cynic and the other side, who thinks that life is beyond precious and I should not waste another moment of it.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    So, there are some difficult things and some positive stuff. This is our human condition.

    I only have one strategy and that is to keep building on the positives and feeling good about our small successes. We also have to push ourselves a little bit, as well. It doesn't have to be a sudden overhaul of our lives, but without at least a bit of effort nothing will happen. This week push just a wee bit harder.
    Mad Dog, dig deep and Libertad like this.
  4. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Hi TT, how are things going?
  5. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Hi Libertad, thanks for asking. Things are not going so well.. I feel like basically given up rebooting and trying to better my life.. I feel so stuck and unable to think how to change things. I am too introverted, too weird and sullen guy for any relationship so I have given up even a thought about one. Thats the main reason I have been using P like in old days. I simply do not care or think that it would make an difference. Like I would have done full circle to be back where it all begun.
    I also have had an bout of anxiety again, because my former ex are having a new relationship with a unstable, violent guy. There has been many cases of domestic violence in it, and once my ex even feared for her life and called an police (and me afterwards). I know that its her choice and I should not mess up with it, but cant help to feel general anxiety and worry about my ex for time to time.

    I do no know how to find motivation in my life again. Been exercising and stuff but it do not seem to help. Theres this profound feel of just giving up and I do not know how to feel any different.
  6. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Hi TT, as you know, I´m no expert and only a guy who is Fighting himself to get his life on track and is still single. This is only my opinion for whatever it is worth to you.
    Beeing in your Position Right now, I would not think About a future relationsship. This seems like too big of a step from the Situation we are in when we are still addicted to PMO, at least for me it was the case. Maybe give yourself a year clean from PMO before even thinking about getting another girlfriend. Concentrate on yourself, like Saville told us many times. What do you think? Also from what I read in your previous Posts, the relationsship with your ex seems a bit like a narcissistic abusive one. Has she ever made an effort to help you in any way? There are a lot of good Videos on Youtube which explain what narcissistic abuse and gaslighting can do to you over time till you dont trust yourself and your thoughts and Feelings any more and feel worthless. I learned a lot from them.
    I found a good Youtuber, the guy is not much older then we, around 50 and he makes Videos over what he learned in his life. I find him very motivational and wise for a lot of Topics of life even he can be very harsh and spot on, he dont gives a shit about excuses. Here are two of his Videos, the first one is about Breaking up and the second one talks About a mans Actions. Enjoy. Please dont take it the wrong way. I´m in the process myself and sometimes I still feel worthless. But despite of that, I feel a lot better than like six months ago. All the best for you and your journey. You can do it man.
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2018
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I just watched the video on TT wall about Defeatists. It's very good. Def worth a watch. Defeatists can be friends, colleagues, and most especially wives. He says the motivation of the Defeatist is fear: fear that you'll make it, fear that you'll move beyond them. I'm shit sure we all know a few of these. Of course, the first ones are always the parents. My mom hated the thought of any of her children outstripping her and so she tried to keep us all on the farm. She was a master manipulator, even though she didn't realize what she was doing, because she was also defeated by others. Wives, partners, can easily bring us down. They might want us to make more money, but at the same time they are capsizing the joy in our life, sucking the enthusiasm out of the room.

    I was just looking to boost a few post, to kind of get the forum going, but shit, this kind of thing is really good. It's kind of made my night, tbh. :)

    TT, sup, my brother. We've all had our ups and downs. It would be great to hear from you, even if it is not all roses and honey.
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    The funny thing is, I wouldn't have given the guy in that video a minute of my time before I came here. He is operating in a sphere that I don't really inhabit. He sounds like a braggart, a know-it-all, a guy who hasn't read the Classics. But, that's what a defeated person would think. I was rather smug about certain aspects of my education and knowledge before. I was a highly critical person, who spent far too much time thinking about what other people weren't doing. Yes, I knew I wasn't doing my shit, but I had excuses for those, and when the excuses weren't working I had P and M and sexting and cheating.

    I don't agree with his last statement that men are the only ones on this planet that can think without emotion. I think that is just red pill rhetoric, but what he's saying about defeatists and the doubting voices in our own heads is bang on, in my estimation. I thought if I had better health, more support from my parents and wife, that I would have really made something of myself. Oops, that is just so wrong. I'm the one responsible for getting my shit done, regardless of my life circumstances.
    Libertad likes this.
  9. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Spot on Saville!
  10. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Hi guys. I could copy/paste my latest post and it would tell exactly how I am. Not used so much P anymore.. because sexuality feels not part of my life anyways. Lost most interest towards it. Maybe few times a week and only very short sessions. My average PMO/MO has been like 1/week. Feel not so addicted but quite defeated in other aspects of my life. I just live quite solitary life with my cat and wait for old age and death.
  11. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi TT, it is good that you have posted to the board. We know where you are, some of us can say that they have been there and you can believe them.
    Can you socialise more? Yoga, running or another hobby something regular to encourage you to turn out when you would rather not. Keep finding things to be grateful for, just simple things, your cat for example. Remember, in other parts of the world someone might be really pleased to have that which you take for granted.

    Truly I hope that you start to soar soon.
    titan_transcendence and Saville like this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    There's no secret to a better life. It's really just plodding along and making slightly better decisions than the day before. There isn't one of us who is a hopeless cause.

    I read self-help books voraciously (sound familiar) looking for the magic bullet that would transform my life and allow me to reach my goals. I've discovered, I think, that just doing small actions leads to change. I don't say big change, because that is the realm of fantasy, of desire. I just mean simple tasks, like cleaning up the garage, or a part of it, or going for a bit longer walk than usual.

    We all have moments when things feel rather bleak and dull. However, I think we also all have moments where we feel a bit more inspired than usual and it is during these times that we can push ourselves a little bit; this is how momentum starts.
  13. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    I was this exact way for years with therapy...just waiting for the silver bullet piece of advice or the proper anti-depressant to put my life in complete order. I think the day I realized that was never coming was both deflating and illuminating. I found once I realized the work to change was on my shoulders, I felt in far more control of my destiny, both with the little things and the big.
  14. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Hey Transcendant - Nice to meet you on the forums. I have not read everything (cos your journal is voluminous!!) but what I did read ressembles my situation. But there are a few diffences. I have really redirected myself into new hobbies and challenges whilst at the same time quietly closing the door on any hope of a sexual or intimate relationship. To me, the relationship is doomed until I come to some kind of peace with myself. But there are many other things that actually fill the void caused by no-woman-no-porn and I play soccer a couple times a week, am learning an instrument and another language, exploring spirituality, etc.

    But before I got there, I came through 10-15 years of crushing depression and constant regret about not having a partner / family. Sex does not feel like a real part of my life either ... just something I do like shit or pee.

    I am just commiserating with you but I hope you continue to express yourself. You live in your head... like me. It's a dark place and you need to drag yourself out into the sun!!
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Well, the sun is waiting TT! Is it going to be poor me, my cat and death, or, what the fuck, let's try journaling again?
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  16. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Greyheron, Joshua, Saville and Caoimhín. I would surely lose nothing by trying some write something here again. This year has not started so good way at all. Slowly I have drifted to be more and more isolated, driving away new contacts, giving up even trying to socialize. I do not know why I feel like this. Its just some profound feel inside that this is all there is for me, why to bother anymore. Days slip by whether I make effort or not. My therapy's funding ended at the start of this year too, and I said to my therapist too that surely I will slowly sink back to the mire of depression without its help. Thats exactly what has happened now and there seems no hope for more therapy anymore, due to financial reasons.
    It just felt so huge let down all this single life after the quite miserable 15 year long relationship. I expected the freedom to finally made up the lost life. But it all came to big disappointment. Im surely not any better socializing than before, and it seems trying to find a new partner of even a one night stand is beyond my abilities. I feel like I was in my early twenties, when I lived with my parents as a social recluse.
    I know that without my effort, nothing will ever change. But part of my has given up to even try and other part which have still some fight left do not know where and how to start.
    I also think that many things can be explained by this diagnose: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder
  17. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Do not discount the time of year! Winter can knock the stuffing out of some people. It does to me. But, without the money to do something about it, we have to just bide our time. Just try and get it out of your system by writing about it. I know that it is not easy to suddenly start changing your behaviours, worse when you feel down. Bloody mire, isn't it. But there are guys here who will listen.
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, you do have fight in you still. None of us knows where to start, so we just pick a place and begin. Writing in your journal is already a great start.

    Also, I wouldn't look to google or Wikipedia for self-diagnosis. Labels never do us any favors. A few years ago I did a workbook written by psychologist David Burns called The Feeling Good Handbook. I picked it up on impulse. It is about using cognitive behavioral therapy and to retrain our thinking. I found it helpful myself and I use the principles to this day when I find my thinking getting circular.

    Your voice is a welcome here. Your journeys been bumpy, but you have much to offer the community.
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  19. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys. Your words truly makes a difference to me. I have no idea where I would like to go or what to achieve in my life, but still I can at least try to be more aware of things and hope to find some clue in there. If days just drift by without awareness theres little possibility for a change.
    I want to sum up a little what happened my during the last fall, during my absence from this forum.
    In a local bar I met one woman much younger than myself. She had just gothic/metal girl look I dig in women. After our first evening at the bar, we went to my place and there was an opportunity for sex. But I froze and did not make the right moves, did not initiate anything so that woman disappointed and went to her home. She lives very nearby. I was sure I would never hear from her again. But she forgot some clothes in my apartment and contacted me day after. After that she became my drinking buddy for some time. She have a lot of young friends, mostly male. We went together for many gigs. I liked that company and her friends are quite likable people too. But the amount of drinking! I was fed up with the whole thing at the start of this year and kind of lost contact to them, because do not want to become an alcoholic.
    Also, the woman found a new boyfriend and begun to hang with him more. Still, first time in my life I felt like I was part of some group that hanged out together.

    I also tried Tinder and got some matches. Met few women, but after the first meet, there was never interest for a second. Even if I would have liked to meet some of them again. During this year, even that place seems to have dried out of changes for me. Not got matches anymore. One date for a start of this year and same story, not second one.

    So, again if I gather my thoughts, it has not all been just doom and gloom for me.
    I had an second opportunity for sex just last weekend (those two have been only ones since break up of my spring's short-time dating with that difficult woman that I told about back then). That woman was friend of my drinking buddy. That opportunity happened when I just went drunk to my local bar and was again quite surprise for me. But again, no sex. After the bar closed we went to woman's home and ate some food in there. Then she said that she did not want sex and that was it. Why to drag me to in her place and then we just ate together? Afterwards I was happy in some sense that nothing happened, because she is friend of that drinking friend.
    But still.. It seems that even my one night stands prove to be an failures for some reason. I seem to have something that women might find some interest, but then some off-putting quality too, which prevents the sex or anything further from happening.
    Any thoughts about this?
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I see some positives in what you wrote. You're right, it has not been all doom and gloom. :)

    I have been out of the dating scene a long, long, time, but I think we must just enjoy what's in front of us, without any expectations. I think her telling you that she didn't want sex could actually be a good thing. She might be tired of the one-night stands and saw you at someone who would respect her. We can never know what's going on in someone else's head.

    Are you working out these days?

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