A lost boy's journey through dark woods towards real manhood and integrity

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by titan_transcendence, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    You nailed it. I feel shamed of myself. :oops:
    I like your posts. All support, even if it sometimes do not seem like it, is really helpful and makes a difference.
    What worries me though, is that I have not M'd at all anymore and my P relapses have been pretty few during this spring and summer time. Still, I have had constant brainfog, lack of energy, stiffness in my joints, swollen stomach and felt miserable for most time. Even my therapist said that I seem worse than when we started 3 years ago. :( I have only 6 months of my therapy left and am fearful of being left stranded after that.
    I understand that my difficulty of getting women is tied with my purposeless life. First, I should be something, then the women would appear in my life. But I have been drifter all my life and am very easily discouraged. I should not wait the Purpose to be handed to me, but make it on my own. Every man is fighter or a loser. I have been loser most of my life, just drifting and taking things as they come. I have not learned to be a little more adventurous, even noticing that there is a big and wide world out there, but that has only made me feel scared and retreat to my own little inner world with shameful fantasies..
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I agree with @Libertad on this. Although difficult, try to let those negative thoughts pass. It's a wrong perception of reality and not helpful in any way.

    Sometimes it is difficult to see the fighter in ourselves, but man, look at how hard you fight. You stick to this board and you are going to therapy. Believe me that if you weren't a fighter you wouldn't have been able to do that. I was just wondering, if your therapist says such things, does he or she also come with a plan to for improvement? And why couldn't you continue with therapy after 6 months?

    Keep it up man. I'm with you.
    titan_transcendence and Libertad like this.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Good to see you shaking off the garbage and embracing the light, TT.
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  4. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys. But yesterday was a really weak day for me. I PMOd very badly, 1st one was hours long session, second shorter and they left me in familiar stupor. :(
    Bad thing is that I did not felt shame anymore at all. Like there is now some cold acceptance that this is the only thing I will ever get. So why to bother to abstain? I understand the benefits of abstaining from P, better energy, inspiration to life in general, better sleep etc. But also those mood swings and such..
    But it feels more like health diet for me than way of life. Something that I will do once or while. So low has my motivation sunk thinking that things would fundamentally change. :(
    The sorry facts are that Im unemployed guy with only history of addiction and isolation. My worth in dating market is very low. Also, if I would just forget women and live as monk from now on, I lack the Purpose or any goals for that matter. I simply drift my days along, not waiting for anything, not hoping for anything. Because I do not believe that anything would change so profoundly that it really mattered.
    I have been in this site for 5 years or so. Im still stuck very badly in my life. Im a single man now, not being in that abusive relationship anymore which took 15 years of my life. My ex is still very good friends with me. Who knows if due time we would end up back together? I definitely lack the choices in relationships and I get very well with her, we share a lot in our history. Other option seems to live as a lone man from now on. Its not overtly bad choice either..
    All this said, Im still trying. Im still fighting even if my heart is not fully in it.

    Good thing is, that this day will be very busy in good way, therapy, socializing with a friend(s), going to gig late night.. I hope it will give a good start for my new try. :)

    Gil: My country gives some subsidiary for 3 years in therapy, after that you have to buy it in your own purse. I can not afford to do that. If I think how Im still in the starting point in this site after the 5 years, its no wonder if Im still stuck in therapy after 2,5 years.. Im a guy who will struggle with these things most of my life, it may take 10 years or more..
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2018
  5. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member


    I am relatively new here, but please keep on fighting, or it not fighting, working to find the way that works to free you from the burden of PMO/ fantasy.

    I am hurrying to work, so have not read a lot of your thread, but I read the second paragraph of your very first post a few minutes ago. I could have written that paragraph. If I am not just like you, then there is something in you that is also in me, that I too would like to be free of in the same way as you.

    I hope that we can keep posting on here and help one another find a way to be free of unhealthy and unwanted behaviours.
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  6. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Hi TT it's good your still getting out there and keeping in touch with your friends,and the loud music at the gig will be good for you senses.

    How is your ex now,is her mental health better.
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I think gaining some kind of employment, even part-time, would be a huge boost to you. I'm sure you've heard it all before by your parents. There is no free lunch, not in any form. The cost to you is that you feel further defeated because you are not your own man.
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  8. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    How’s it going Titan?

    I could relate with some of your latest writings. I think I’ve been on these boards even longer! Fear is weird, it keeps us coming back for more because something deeper within us knows we can handle it, even though it feels shitty sometimes and we are knocked back questioning our progress. Keep going, you are worth it buddy!
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2018
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  9. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Sad to report my constant failures in rebooting lately. I have watched some P almost every day now. Webcams are my favorite poison now. I think that the effect of false intimacy is stronger in those than in pics or videos. Also the "easiness" and simplicity of using P instead of chasing women around beckons me to this alternative once again. It feels like when I tried dating market, got crash and burn, and realizing my low value there, it seems like a P is made for the guys like myself. What is the other option? Be in celibacy for indefinite time period, in loose hope that something would change? I realize that refraining from P use gives one an advantage to make things better for himself. But its not enough by itself, not nearly enough. There should be fundamental change, changing my whole way of life. Just like that being more socializing person, enjoying it, applying for real jobs and spend my days in that rat-race. Im just recovering from being burn out, I can not overstep my limited resources of strength. Also, I still lack the motivation, the purpose to really change things. In that way I remain stuck.

    Hi, Tomato. Thanks for interest. I try to be more active in here from now on, if only to put few words in here.

    Hi Dig Deep. My ex has been better, especially during this spring/ summertime. I think she found that lost spark for life again, and is not depressed and hopeless for all time. She is a great company when in good mood.

    Saville. I know how it would raise my self-worth to have an real job. But I lack the skills for apply to anything real. I do a part-time job without pay, as has been doing for years. That feels more like slavery for me, but that is how our Government has dictated to be for people like myself who lack the education or skills to have an real job.

    Scribian. Thanks for encouragement! It made me come back and share my latest news.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Why does changing your life have to be viewed as spending your days in the rat race? This is negative thinking. You are looking at things as either sucking because of PMO or sucking because of the rat race. I'm sorry to tell you but there is a lot of in between there. Also, what burn out are you recovering from? From what I've read here you've just been chilling at home watching P. You are WAY stronger than you think. Step up and be counted. Get a job at McDonalds or working the fields or in a care facility for the elderly. No, it isn't a lot of money, but it will feel good to get a paycheck for work done. I know you've heard all this before from your family...maybe they're right?

    We are all at where we're at because we don't try. I'm absolutely no better than you or anyone else here. I'm just a bit older and really tired of the defeatist merry-go-round. We CAN do something about it if we really want to. Looking back at our sad lives never helped anyone. Look forward, move forward.

    You can do it!
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  11. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Hi TT, Saville is right get a job you will get to meet people it will give you routine,purpose and structure to your daily life,restaurants/cafe's ,supermarkets are always looking for people and as Saville the carer's for the elderly or disabled always need people,it doesn't have to be full time if your not ready for that. I know it's scary looking for work but if you don't like it you can always quito_O
    Another option is to go to adult college/school and do a coarse in computers/IT or how to be a carer or anything that interests you history,art it will help fill your days with something positive and get to meet people.I did a computer coarse for beginners about 8 years ago only one day a week for ten weeks but it was good and I learnt a few things as well, all the people in my class were a lot older in their late 60's and 70's and it was interesting talking to them and finding out their life stories,I still see some of them today and have a little chat with them it makes me feel part of the community like I'm not invisible and belong.
    titan_transcendence and Saville like this.
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I used to think that I might as well PMO since the only other option is a lonely life. But, I've come to realize that there's so much more to life than women. I know that it seems pointless right now, but it still seems that you want a change. What you need to do is to decide to start working on that. Yes, it's going to suck, but otherwise nothing is going to change. Using the pseudo-comfort of PMO is not the way.
  13. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 2 without P. Despite what I said yesterday I managed one day clean quite easily. Its just whether I care or not. I have not any overwhelming urges to P, its just my who cares- attitude which has plagued me lately.

    I do not want to make any excuses, but will just tell you why I fell to be like this. As you might remember, the start of this year was very good for me. I was quite positive most of the time, things just started to get rolling in good direction. I got a job which I liked to go (even if that was without pay), I got new, good, much cheaper apartment for rent, my cat was good company to me, and I started dating with a woman. But all this happened too fast for me. I did not got any time to adjust my schedules to these changes in my life. I begun to feel drained, and stressed out. My new budding relationship took much to blame for this. The woman wanted to advance in hurried speed, and was constantly vying my attention by making hours-long phone calls at evening, even at late time hours. I told her to stop that, but she did not mind my opinion. She was also very jealous of my friendship with me ex, and started nagging me just after month together like we would be an old couple. She is also very obese with bad eating habits. Because I got not much time to relax, I started to find comfort at eating too. We went out many times a week to eat pizza and like. I got weight pretty quickly. Then I just felt that I had had enough. I decided to end the relationship, because of her nagging. I was adamant in this decision and felt pretty good about it. I got some much needed breathing space and time of my own. But I made the mistake trying to be still with friends with that woman. She was very demanding towards me, constantly wanting hours long conversations about the reasons of split-up. It was very exhausting for me and in the end I still just ended up being the shit-head who could not manage adult relationships. That was a bad blow to my self-esteem. I fell to kind of depressive phase, and I still had a bad binge-eating habit going on. I dropped of yoga, I dropped of jogging (could not do that anymore). I felt dead tired and with heave mental fog for 2-3 months. It made not a difference of my energy levels or a mood whether I pmod or not. I lost completely my sex drive.
    Then I made a first good choise for this summer: to change my diet to be completely vegan. Because of that it was no more pizza and delicacies, most candies and ice cream was out too. I still ate too much for some time. But just during the month my eating habits have balanced to be good. I do not stuff myself food anymore. My stomach is not swollen anymore. I started to do yoga again, and it had helped a lot for my stiff lower back at the mornings. I started doing abs at the gym. Recently, I had started to take cold showers. Now my energy levels have returned to normality and with that my libido too. Because of that, I have been prone to relapses lately. The feeling of having my libido back. Therefore, I do not want to be too judgmental about my latest relapses. Im still seeking a balance and Im pretty sure that I can manage this rebooting too at this stage. Im just happy that I got my life back (even if its still in shambles) compared to how worn out I felt for many months..

    Thanks Saville and Dig Deep for your advice. But Im labeled as a partly disabled person for a full-time work for now (because of my depression). My rehab work will continue during the autumn time. Then I got some socializing in there. Sadly its without pay and will not help my financial situation a bit.

    THIS. I want to realize this and forget my P induced fantasies about the perfect-bodied young women who would want to have constant sex with me. That is not a reality and real relationships are a totally different matter with lot of obstacles and hardships in them.
    Saville likes this.
  14. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Hi TT, in this Situation maybe you are in a good position if you can manage your depression and keep it at bay, to try a few things, like starting a small Business, something you may be interested without pressure, like selling something on Amazon, writing a book or articles, starting a YouTube channel or blog, wathever you like or wanted always to do and does not cost much. Only my two Cents. I know how bad Depression can be, so please dont take it the wrong way. Maybe there is something out there which you would like to do.
    I wish you the best.
    Stay strong brother.
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I do remember. It was awesome to see the real you.

    I understand these feelings and they're not fun. However, part of why we feel tired is because that's our go to when we run into trouble. We have to decide to get over our shit more quickly. That woman wasn't for you and you got rid of her, which is awesome. But, next time you can just say "fuck you" to such a woman and move forward. Never let a woman steal your energy. While we're on the subject of women: why in God's name would you consider getting back with your toxic ex? Go back and read the parts of your journal where she's questioning your manhood and telling you you're a loser. She needs you, but you don't need her. Patterns repeat, they always repeat. Don't repeat this one...especially if you want to have a real life.

    This is awesome!

    The great news is you are feeling more energetic. You know how this works, TT. Every addict has to be committed to staying healthy.

    PS: The State may say you are disabled, but don't sell yourself short. These are just bureaucratic labels. I do not believe in labels. In the back of your mind put the possibility of a job there. Let that possibility roll around for awhile and it will stop seeming like something impossible and scary. Libertad gave you a few good ideas, I think.
  16. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    TT I think the first thing you have to accept is there are going to be good days and bad days, that's life it's the same for everybody but us addicts and those coming off the supernormal stimulus that has hijacked our normal responses it's worse at the beginning, but if we stay clean as the days pass the balance of good and bad days tips in the favour of the good days more and more,yes there will always be a some bad days even the most healthy of people have bad days but the bad days of feeling brain fog ,tiredness etc are not the norm any more. You have experienced this before at the start of the year and you can have it again, don't do it for getting a woman do it for you getting back your life.
  17. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 1
    I have been using P still.. mostly webcams. I got few days off during the week. I have not had O for a 2 weeks or so, got some sexual energy preserved by edging.

    I cant help but think this way: for a guys, who just "got it" with women, having a fair change of relationship and sexual life with a woman, using P is terrible loss.
    But for a loser guys like myself, who have not much change to even meet women or get them interested at all, how big loss using P really is? It feels more like a loss to not use, by refraining of even seeing naked female, ever.
    I get it that there are other dimensions of rebooting, if forgetting women altogether, like creativity. I try to focus more on that area from now on..

    Thanks for encouragement and advice, guys. Running some kind of business is way beyond my abilities, Im sorry to say. I have not the faintest of idea how to do something like that. But writing an book, that would call on creativity and is maybe more close of the things that Im capable of.. I will reflect on those ideas with time, I promise.
    Libertad and dig deep like this.
  18. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 0

    Yep, Im still using. I happened to go out tonight, to have a few beers and just spend time in some pub. It felt like I should have just stayed at home. I have lost all my sense of self-worth even to talk to anyone. I feel more low than piece of dung. Totally worthless. I guess its better not to go out, but I do not know how to solve this matter of self-worthlessness. I tried to talk with women just few months ago, now I feel just a loser who know one should even talk to. Self-hatred has reached so high levels that I can barely tolerate myself at all. I feel longing to my old relationship even if it in I was just a servant. It has been like 7 years since last have sex with a woman. I guess Im sinking slower in this cesspool and there is nothing that can help me with it.. I guess all these feelings are just a loser whining in his self-pity.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    We know you are not a loser, TT. You are going through a tough time. It's great that you came here and dumped your feelings. Coming here actually shows that you still care about recovering. No one can pick you up, my friend. We are here for you, but you have to do the heavy lifting yourself...you are more than strong enough.
  20. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Saville. I have been stuck in the negativity for some time now. It come way too natural for me to start brooding things and slowly sink in the dark moods. Actually many things are good in my life now, there is nothing to worry, not any big problems currently. Im just stuck in my own head, closed myself from the world. The crushing, belittling voice is always there and if I start to heed its "truths", the depression always manages to bring me down. Then I live my life as with closed shades, skirting any change for happiness. Human mind works in curious ways.

    Saville, what you said is the truth about the matter. People are out there, you good folks in this site, other in the wide world, just waiting for me to approach them and share my thoughts. By closing down and dwelling in my loneliness will not change things, ever.
    Its just that there is so little to be proud of. Im shamed of myself, even this depression feels like Im just pampered brat complaining about nothing and I have not even seen how painful burdens many people are carrying in their shoulders, yet enjoying their life best they can..

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