A lost boy's journey through dark woods towards real manhood and integrity

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by titan_transcendence, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. JustOneDayAtATime

    JustOneDayAtATime New Member

    I had a friend in the past who was, like me, involved in the sort of things people involved in this forum are glad to have left or are leaving behind. I remember him remarking to me that it felt to him that he was unable to conceive of a type of sexual activity that if he unexpectedly come across it and was confronted by it, which would truly shock him.

    Thinking back on this remark, I think it confirms that I’ve lost something along the way. It’s not that I wish to begin acting prudish or have a desire to become easily shocked by sex or nudity like some old maid. But I really have lost something through years and years of using pornography and lost it so completely that I hardly know any more what I've lost. Of course intellectually I know what has been lost (e.g. sensitivity to less explicit and gross pleasures) but emotionally, physically and spiritually, these impressions and pleasures are no longer discernible to me.

    Looking over the journals of some of the lads at this website, it seems that there are good times ahead for those who leave this filth behind. But at this point in the journey what gives me the greatest pleasure is all the time I have for more worthwhile activities. If and when I get further along the road, I hope that my mind is not quite so much the sewer pipe that it has been in the past.

    Good luck and best wishes to one and all.
     
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  2. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    15th Day

    All things quite ok now. I went to bar, met my ex. We had nice, neutral conversation that lasted about a hour, then I left home and she continued her evening in the bar. I felt quite good during that meeting and the day afterwards. My dad's birthday went well.
    At the last night, I chatted again with ex. She was in more negative tone this time and that brought my own mood down a bit. I should be wary not to enmesh myself in her moods anymore. As much that I would like things would went smooth and nice for her, I can't help that they will not. She is a basket case of problems, and that is not gonna change. She has some good days, when she feels almost like a healthy person, very nice girl, but then those not-so-good days when she feels totally hopeless and trapped in her life.
    Well, I should mind my own life more now. I notice the constant tiredness. I think its symptom of depression. That I would just want to go to bed every time possible and just sleep. Because there is nothing else to do.
    That dead, uncaring feel that I spoke about is still there. I think its the dead, barren ground in our psyches that addiction has caused in our minds. Part of us had died because of the constant use, but maybe some of that ground could be reclaimed and slowly there would start something to bloom there, at least in places.
    But as for now, I continue my life still in some kind of half-dead way, as an calmly observer and outsider more than a man full of life who knows how and why he would like to live and experience his life.
     
  3. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Just keep away from PMO and maybe you will get a rise in energy and a desire to be more active,also maybe you could be in a flat line . Could you have a daily bike ride or walk for an hour first thing in the morning to give you a positive start to the day and learn more about food and nutrition try different healthy meals.
     
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  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Have you thought about cutting your hair? And, if your beard is long, trimming it right back? We can get attached to things like hair and clothing. Even though I don't have much hair on the top of my head, anymore, it can get pretty full on the sides. About a month into my journey I cut my hair way back. I keep it incredibly short now and it makes me feel differently. I look more intense, I know that, and people perceive me differently. I also began wearing colors that I never used to. I now wear purples and yellows, colors that do not really go with my skin tone, but they do match the new me who takes a few calculated and easy risks.
     
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  5. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    16th day

    Dig Deep: Yep I could actually be in flatline right now. I have scarcely any interest to women at all, could not mind less of them currently. They could all go to hell as far as I am concerned. But as I said, it comes with kind of empty, devoid feeling of everything in my life too. This has happened before when I have managed truly to turn to abstinence as now: feeling to be completely asexual, but still with a bitter mindset. Maybe its just addict in me who feels angry of being cheated off his "pleasures".
    I do a daily exercise, but should consider doing it right at the morning. Good suggestions!

    Saville: I get what you are proposing; that the "new me" would be strengthened by changing my outward looks as well. I am not currently ready to do that, but will consider it, maybe some day in the future, when or if I will feel like it. There has been little change already, like having a little more colors in my apartment than before.

    I have read some articles in "the Rational Male" - website.
    This one was very interesting to me, considering my past relationship and lack of women's attention:
    https://therationalmale.com/2012/04/26/the-savior-schema/
     
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  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I meant to say also that any change we make is only for us, not to make us more attractive to women. I walked around for years looking like an unmade bed and so I decided to change that. More color in your apartment sounds good. :)

    The link you posted is interesting. Nice Guys definitely have an overdeveloped sense of wanting to help out in all situations. Even with the women I cheated with I felt obliged to do so. I didn't think I could say no to them. My brain was screaming at me to stop the affairs and sever all ties, but a life-long pattern of taking care of women's needs kicked in, and I didn't have the tools to back away. I was their white knight so to speak; I couldn't let them down. It's all pretty fucked up, but that's how so many of us were raised.

    Thankfully we can break free of all that crap and establish new lives. Woot! :D 16 days, my friend, is awesome!
     
  7. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    17th Day

    Man, how irritable I was yesterday evening. I was mad at everything. Even my poor cat was only nuisance to me (but I did not hurt him). I think its the raging addict inside of me. I tend to be more aggressive and hugely frustrated when I will really went to be abstinent as now. But I still have not craved any P or wanted to touch me at all. Its just mental irritability. Also I still feel hugely tired, like a man in his dying bed. I go to bed many times a day, take a nap and wake up as tired as before the sleep. I think its another withdrawal symptom: without P the life lacks the lust which I have been so accustomed to. It makes me feel like a old man who have nothing to wait in his life anymore..
    Part of me just can not but wonder that if and when I can really pull this rebooting through, meaning as living as asexual being, an monk without any sexual stimuli at all, why I would want to stop it at any point? Why not live just free of this vice that sexuality presents for me and as a happy man? Even the word "woman" speaks trouble to me. Then I should again face my insecurities, low self-esteem and poor social status, which are big turn off to almost every woman. Why even bother then? If I manage to live without the need of sex?
    But I guess, that time will tell. If there really happens some regeneration of my manly essence and energy, then maybe I could feel differently.
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2018
  8. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    I also have a lot of tiredness, and I see it as a sign my brain is repairing itself so its using up more energy, a bit like when we have a cold we feel tired because the immune system is taking up a lot of energy to fight the cold virus.Just got to keep on staying porn free and sooner or later the tiredness will get less and less.
     
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  9. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi Titan - I know how you feel. It's frustrating but interesting that as I deal with the addiction, other issues seem to surface - for me anger is a big one. I certainly don't have the answer; but trying to be aware of my feelings (analyze them before they control me) is helping a bit - also outdoor activity helps hugely. I went for a run in the sleet this morning (only a short one!) and it helped my mental state massively.

    Keep going - and keep posting!
     
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  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I think that's normal early on. I mean, yeah PMO makes me grumpy, but fighting the addiction makes me rage sometimes for silly reasons. Tiredness is also a thing. Not zombie like during PMO, but genuinely sleepy.
     
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  11. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    18th Day

    This really is not easy. I do not miss P or M'ng and fantasizing, but my mood is still all the time very bad. I can not stand my mother. Every time I phone to her it makes me irritated. I am angry towards my friend. I am embittered by seeing young and beautiful women. I see them only as manipulating, scheming wenches. Im fast becoming totally social recluse. I hope this misanthropy is not something that was hidden behind the addiction all the time. Maybe its just withdrawals, maybe not.
    I think I was not so nice guy at all, that the addiction make me to appear.
    I lost somehow along the way the optimism I got after the break up. Now all feels pretty indifferent for me. At times, I feel as bad as when I was in that hurtful relationship. I can surely cook my own misery, one of the few things Im very good at.
    Sleepiness continues as well. It feels like there is really not much worthwhile in my daily life, so it always seems good option just to go to sleep.
    Still I have kept my daily exercise and familiar stuff. I am like a robot going through the chores, then go to bed. Creative writing feels still impossible to even to start.
    This feels like a complaint, but is only an observation of my current situation. I will continue rebooting, not waiting anything, but simply because its just as well for me to try it, because I have absolutely nothing to lose by doing so.

    update: managed finally to change my mood to better, by inviting my friend to visit me. We had fun together. I think it helped too that before that I did running exercise and some yoga.
    I also texted my mother and explained that I have felt quite down lately, she understood it.
    Its better not to brood too much, because its just waste of time. I try to enjoy the little things that are fine in my life.
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2018
  12. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    I like this,that's the growth from being porn free , keep going and I'm sure things will continue to improve
     
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  13. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    That's what it is all about. (-:
     
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  14. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    You might also look at this another way. Not saying this holds for you, but I myself have been using porn to push away a lot of negative emotions and experiences. Now that I'm giving up porn (again) I have to find another way than numbing myself with porn to deal with things like being insecure, thinking I am a failure, feeling down, feeling frustrated, havind to deal with people I don't particularly agree with and so on and so on. Although I expect that giving up porn will lighten my moods too, not being able to run to my fantasy world also makes certain things a lot harder and might actually make me feel worse until I've found I proper way to deal with these things. I read you want to do creative writing, but that it seems impossible to do so. Ofcourse it is not impossible, there is 'just' something inside of you that is holding you back to sit down and start writing. This might be related to the same thing: starting creative writing means stepping out of your comfort zone means that there is an opportunity where you might fuck up. Again, I'm not saying this applies to you, but I have had similar problems and with me I think this is for a huge part caused by me not accepting to fail every now and then. I'm not writing or writing too little to make progress, because there is a fair chance that writing shows that I am bound to fail every now and then, that I am merely a normal person that fucks up every once in a while. It might show that I'm not as good at writing as I have always dreamed myself to be. This creates some sort of anxiety and because I rather push away any negative emotions I don't write. The only way to deal with this is pushing on and on. Sit down and write. Even if it's gibberish. If only for 15 minutes a day: write and learn to accept that to be able to create something you like you need to allow yourself to fuck up. Over and over again. I'm not a huge fan of inspirational quotes but this one by Michael Jordan really hits the mark:

    "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

    Like I said, I don't know if it applies to you, but perhaps it helps you in your journey. Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2018
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  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    If it was easy, we wouldn't be here. It's a long way until you reach somewhat safe ground. The mood swings, the on/off switch of the addiction... It's impossible to tell what the next day will bring. It does balance out further down the road, but until then all we can do is to stride on.
     
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  16. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Wow - I know how you feel - I've felt exactly like this. The 'Nice Guy' thing, while we're in addiction, is just a disguise we put on cos we're so desperate for people to like us to prove that we're not as sh#tty as we believe we are.

    The truth is, you're now on your way to becoming a truly 'nice guy'. Not just someone who'll do anything to please people but a properly, fully formed, decent guy who has his own standards, is confident and genuinely humble at the same time.

    Go get it Titan - you'll make it!!
     
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  17. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    20th day

    Still clean with no troubles. :) Thanks all of your encouraging comments!
    I have been in better mood lately, even if nothing have changed in my life. I went to visit over night in my parent's place with my cat. It gave us both some much needed change in normal routines.
    Who knows, maybe I will be going out in one rock bar tomorrow evening on my own. With no expectations, just showing myself that I can do things like that now, when being a single man and not too old yet. :rolleyes:

    This is definitely true for me also. Theres also a element of frustration too, be it a sexual or otherwise, need for connection to females.

    Interesting perspective and lots of food for though. Thanks, Living of sharing me this. :)
    For myself, the hugest obstacle to start creative writing in daily basis is because Im so huge procrastinator in everything. I just delay to start doing things, not wanting to start "until its too late" for that day. Still I do not think that Im just a plainly lazy person, its more like I just have kind of low energy and many times lost myself in worrying or just believing that "it do not matter anyways"..
     
  18. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    21th day

    I feel complete disinterest to anything sexual now. Even when eyeing good-looking women, I just see their beauty but do not think about their sexuality.
    I guess I have entered in the phase what is called "a flatlining" in here. But I wonder if its just kind of slumber that your body enters when there is nothing sexual in your life anymore. I wonder if and how one learns to unlearn this feeling, if not feeling any interest to be sexual with a woman anymore? Today I ponder whether or not I should go to bar on my own. There rises a thoughts like "why I should go? I am not interested of women currently at all?" Should I stay at home then, feeling little lonely and starting to miss my ex just more. Im still debating with myself if I should even try to find women at all. I think it would be best of my self-respect if choosing to live alone for now. Im such a wuss and nice guy that most I can expect from any woman is just friend-zone interest. I still doubt if I will ever change to better in these social games or if I should even waste my time and effort for the whole thing. Those things should happen naturally or if not, then one should learn to live without. Be it as it may, Im just happy that I can live without P now. I trust myself in that, at least.

    Edit. Dead tiredness persist every day, I hope it will lift some day, to have some energy to be capable of doing more things..
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2018
  19. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Hey Titan,

    Maybe it is time to let the questions you have about women in your life to take a back seat. Change the focus on U and learning to respect, appreciate yourself for who you are. Gotta love the Titan, I do!
    To be sexual is natural, yet us PMO'ers have played with our sexual bodies and brains in a very unnatural way, in our age group often for a very long time. To have a break from all that for 6 months, 9 months or a year is not very long in the scheme of things. The shutting down (flatline) is like our immune system. The sexual system needs a rest to heal. Just like we spend time in bed uninterested in anything when we have the flu.
    Yes this flatline freaks us out, very much so. The thought of not having sex nor female companionship put us in touch with the core of loneliness a lot of us without SO's feel when going through this period of "40 days in the desert".
    As with everything, it will change, we will not be "flatlining forever". I have not read one thread on here of a man NOT coming out of flatline!
    And those that have embraced their time in the desert courageously, those who spent time and communed with their demons of fear, loneliness, temporary impotence, frustration etc. have come out the other end better men than they ever were before.
    I would say, go out and have fun! But going out with the idea in the back of your head of meeting someone is what my mates call a "soul destroyer" as you might as well paint a big L on your forehead putting out that needy energy. Go out have fun, just be you.
    And wanting to get laid when you are in flatline? Well that is the most stupid thing I ever did, lol. It nearly destroyed me. So don't go there, please, do yourself a favour.;)

    I like what I read in your journey!

    do a @40New30 (one day at a time)
     
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  20. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 22

    Thanks of your thoughtful reply bobjes and that you cared enough to put so much effort to write that long in my journal. It really made me feel better.

    I went to bar. I was not in the mood to approach anyone, so just focused to sip my beer. I drunk quite lot this time. I think it was good to be in the bar without any intent to try anything, just go out and hang in there. At the end of the evening I had a short chat with one woman that I have seen couple of times during the years in the same bars. I think that like 10 years ago I danced with her one time. Not a beautiful woman at all, but she has very personal style. I thought she might have potential to be some kind of friend to say hello if we happen to frequent in the same places. She did not remember me, though and left me quite quickly "to search her friends in the bar". Same as has had happened with all those woman I have tried to approach during these last few months. :confused: I seem to be kind of chick repellent or something. I felt not too bad about that, but still little disappointed.
    As I returned home I felt quite lonely (luckily I have my nice cat greeting me at the door, that helped a bit) and with the thoughts that as far as bar going goes Im way too past my time in there. It can not be denied that Im old guy in that environment. I would like to have an young and beautiful woman, not some older woman who have already many children on her own from previous relationships (sorry to put this out so bluntly, but that type seems to frequent net dating sites). If I can not have other than that, I guess I must just settle to live on my own then..


    I will surely do that. I do not mind that much getting a new relationship or sexual experiences now. The flatlining and stopping all sexual fantasizing, M'ng and watching P has really helped in that. Maybe I will remain as celibate for a very long time. Considering the difficulty of being able to meet woman that is very likely course for me. What puts me little down is by reading in here many places the casual way that many guys can meet someone just like that, get a girlfriend or a rewiring partner. Maybe it just comes quite easy for some of us, even that they might not notice or appreciate it, being so natural to them. When there really is type of guys like myself who have real trouble to get even one date, or have a moment of woman's notice (even that I can now have quite easily eye-contact with women, they tend to shy away from that, giving another signal that there is really something off-putting in me).
    Its still very hard to find self-appreciation, and deep love towards myself. I think that at best Im kind of ok, but not much more. I realize I lack hugely in many areas of my life. But I still lack motivation to develop myself and achieve things. I can not find reason enough to care. The low thoughts are still there, telling me that I will die alone anyways, so why to care? :(
    So, let the time pass by. I will have a new rehab job at the start of the week, that would be a welcome change to my routines. Next weekend my friend have some free time, so I will be likely to go out again with him. Who knows, maybe then I will be more relaxed and we can learn to enjoy our time just going out, without any other agenda?

    I guess I need more patience. This journey has just really started for me, and the long time results are not yet there to be seen..
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2018
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