A lost boy's journey through dark woods towards real manhood and integrity

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by titan_transcendence, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    The only way to get going is to get going. If we desire change then we must do an action. I've read dozens of self-help books all in an effort to unlock the inner me, to create energy in myself so that I could change my life. I have enjoyed many of the books, but at the end of the day none of them helped me. Why? Because, there was no action to go along with it. Talking about self-love and changing our perception of ourselves is just that, talk.

    What I see on this site, and what I have experienced myself, is that stopping P and MO generates positive momentum. I know I damaged my thinking by being an addict. I know that thinking myself better won't work. I looked for years for something that would help me. Books, religion, meditation, none of this can create momentum. Momentum is generated by effort, just like pedaling a bicycle. In my journal I wrote that staying off of P and MO is not resisitve so much as active. I'm actively not PMO'ing. In other words I am engaged in the process of my own health.

    Titan, you are not the passive person that you think. You're just stuck. You have no momentum. Stopping P and MO is an action. I don't think beyond that anymore. If today we don't edge, watch P, or MO, then we have taken an action. The journey is a long one, but it doesn't take long before we see our passive, wasted, lives in the rear view mirror.

    I'm you, and you are me. Together we can do this!
  2. Gone fishing

    Gone fishing Active Member

    If you are edging you must learn how to channel the energy it creates. That is an extremely difficult practice. It requires great skill and the ability to live with extreme sexual tension. If the energy is not channeled than edging is just playing with oneself. It seems to me that if one wants to channel sexual energy the best way is to avoid touching oneself. A man in a sexual relationship should ejaculate only moderately as is appropriate for his age. At this point I have concluded that masturbation removes one from contact with other people and for that reason should be avoided; and that ejaculation from self masturbation is a waste of sexual energy. There are some people who can masturbate with impunity and some with pride. But no one here seems to fit that bill. If masturbation causes distress one needs to stop. Edging is masturbation without ejaculation. Without edging It is powerful to watch the sexual energy naturally. If the sexual energy is not discharge with masturbation it will to channeled somewhere. For me now learning to love the sexual energy and tension is a huge part of being a whole man. T it might be interesting for you to experiment with how your life changes without masturbation including edging.
  3. Tony74

    Tony74 Guest

    Bro, I hear you loud and clear and feel the same way about many things you said. Keep Journaling, keep getting it down and listen closely to your heart. Each day you will get more clear on what you want and what actions to take. I admire your strength and courage to keep pushing forward in spite of your challenges.

    One day at a time!
  4. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 29 without P, day 2 without O

    Nearly clean today. I felt very strongly still the effects of just one O 2 days ago. Mostly that I lost that high energy and intensity level that I had when going nearly month without O. After the O felt more dull and like the world have lost it colors once again.
    There are harsh and unbeatable laws in this area: it will always take 3 days to feel quite normal and 10 days to feel highly energetic after the O. I can not bargain with these laws.

    But this day was otherwise very good one. Went to visit my parents and shared openness thats quite uncommon in our family. Discussed about a lot of things with my father and mother. My mother helped me to print out one part of my book. Now I can yet again reread it and correct last mistakes, if there will be any.
    At the evening went to my SO's and also there things went smoothly.
    Now I still got some time for myself before the bed and plan to use it wisely.

    It will be a full month tomorrow since my last (hopefully) P use! Its the second best for me, ever. :)

    I want to thank again for your awesome support, guys. Im grateful beyond words, really. :)

    Saville: But how to get momentum to really change the things? Its so fucking scary to do that, you know. Maybe I still have taken a small steps in that area too. One example: I have had long hair for very long time, like 20 years or so. But when in public, I have always kept my hair tightly bound. But this week, I thought that what the heck, if I have the hair, let it be free. It felt kind of embarrasing at the first to be outside with my hair open, but now I am quite used to it. It makes me feel more like my true self, ( yes I know Im long haired hippie). 8)
    My worst problems are with the mornings. Its there 90% of the time when that edging and playing with my privates will happen. Im not actually horny then, its just that I rarely wake up refreshed from my sleep. I think its mostly my brains desperate effort to have some dopamine, because I feel mostly very bad at the mornings.
    Other thing putting me down is my lack of belief in this process. Or maybe its my addiction disguised as my inner voice, that tells me its no avail at the end. I must tell that freaking voice to shut down, with its all self-degrading talk.
    Its very comforting to know that we are all in this together. Without this forum I would likely to be lost in the throes of P world, slowly sinking lower and lower in to that hell.

    Nofapado: Edging always leave me in kind of frustrated state of being and robs some of my energies away. You are very right that best way would be to avoid all touching if possible and be very thrifty with O's too. I have been too becoming aware that being a man is to live through that tension and learn to channel those energies to more useful purposes, if no willing woman are availabe.

    Musicman: yeah, as I have said, the time of denial is over for me. I must let this all out, no matter how dark or shameful it is, to find a new, better path for my life.
  5. Fry

    Fry Guest

    The 3/10 days rule after an O sounds pretty familiar to me. For me it's something like 4 days and 9-11 days I need to regenerate fully after an O. That is if I make it that long :-X

    Interesting that your danger zone are the mornings. If I wake up any kind of dopamine related compulsive behaviour couldn't be farther away from me. But in the evening it's quite to opposite. My brain craves dopamine. It gets particular worse after I slept for an hour or so. I would wake up and be totally drowsy. In this vulnerable state of mind I then would do something compulsive like downloading porn. I felt like D. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. In the evening I'd start porn downloads and obsess about acting out just to delete everything and cancel orders in the morning. This went on for weeks, thought I was going crazy. :eek:
  6. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    30 days since last P use! 8) At least I have succeeded in something in this attempt.
    Next goal will be just 35 days. Lets take this beast down piece by piece!

    I already have noticed some difference because not have seen nude female for month. When I see women around, I no longer picture them naked in my mind. Thats a good thing. Objectifying has ended now.
    I miss P. I reminiscence some of my favorites. But I miss it like a something that was before. I do not want it now in my life. I have better things to do. I know it will not do any good to me, if I would use it. I also know, that after like 20 minutes of my fav sites and purchasing memberships for them, I would feel like: that was it? Been there, seen that before. That thought will keep me away from P. At least for now..

    It was funny thing that I recently complained in here that I do not remember ever women commenting positively my appearance. Now that I let my hair fly loose, some elderly ladies in my workplace said that it suit me fine. ;D One's reaction was like: woohoo, you have you hair open! Like she had hoped to see it someday.
    Well, that was not big thing, having a compliment from woman that could be my mother, but still.. I took it with humor and had a little boost of confidence all the same.

    "No more mr. Nice Guy" is a totally must to read for me. The whole damn book could have been written as me in its sole subject. I have now read more carefully, making notes and trying really to reflect things. I hope I will find some additional spark in there to continue this rebooting more solidly, and take real steps in my life towards real manhood and integrity.

    Fry: Thanks for your comment in here!
    I guess we all have our weakest moments, when we should feel most aware of our condition and put all extra safety measures in place. I have contemplated to try cold showers in the morning. Maybe that would help me to properly wake up, instead of doing wrong things, playing with myself. I think there is two triggers for me in the mornings: if i have any MW left, that turns me on. Other thing is bad quality of my sleep. I feel bad, even miserable in the most mornings when wake up. In that, I think, Im just like you because you told that you sleep only 1 hour and then wake up in that unbearable mood. I feel the same even after the whole night's sleep.
    Very familiar feeling for me too, that thought of being totally madman when thrown completely my control away. Purchasing memberships, many of them, only to cancel them next day, obsessed thoughts and deeds... this is real sickness, not to be taken lightly. Theres this final step we should never take, because after that the control is totally lost forawhile. Until theres this crude awakening with lots of regret and misery. Theres nothing to do then but try again this slow healing process..
  7. Tony74

    Tony74 Guest

    Glad to hear this bro. Your doing great.

    One day at a time...
  8. Fry

    Fry Guest

    Lol those stupid site subscribtions. It's really lile you said: After 20 minutes you get this feeling "was that all" and you switch to the next site. After acting out the membership is cancelled. Last weekend this cost me hundrets of euros. Somehow I managed to purchase a years membership instead of a 1 day trial. And believe it or not, I repeated that mistake on another site the same evening. Such a huge waste of time and money.

    Be careful about missing porn and glorifying past use. That could get you into relapse territory. What you miss is probably feeling good and escape / relax a bit. The brain only remembers the fraud way to do so, because of its stupid programming. It's how dopamine works, the temptation. But it's a lie, even tough I fall in that trap too often. And maybe there's other healthier ways for you to relax and feel good.

    Anyway congratulation on 30 days. This is where real recovery starts :)
  9. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    31 Days since last P use, 4 days since last O

    I must confess my resolve is wavering. Somehow I have not had good energy today at all. Feeling little anxious, depressed, worrying things.. Went to gym, did yoga and some tasks. Did not make my mood any better at all.
    Then started edging with F. I was close to have O again. Felt myself extremely frustrated after the edging. Even broke half-accidentally one plate because so angry. Its curious that it has felt the same every time after the edging but not until now I begin to take note of that. Edging is bad for me. I feel more drained and depressed after that. But for me, it seems to be greatest challenge to conquer. Because every time that I feel bad (and I feel bad most of the time), theres that semiautomatic mode that tends to switch on. Im not sure how I should deal with this vice. Rationalizing seems not to help much at the weakest moments.
    Thoughts of P have got more power, it seems. I think about it more and more. If I would relapse one more time with MO, I think I would be only little step away from P then..
    Maybe its just that Im so tired and exhausted about all. My sleeping is not good enough to refresh me properly. Maybe I should just lay many hours a day in my bed, because there seems nothing else Im capable to do in this sorry state of mine.

    Musicman: Thanks, as you can see Im not every day so good at this. What most puts me down is my low energy. I would like to do many things, be creative and such but feeling dead-tired most of the day it seems not possible.

    Fry: I could share one "funny" story how I purchased one membership, but after that by clicking just one icon got many more. Worst part was, that as I tried to cancel those memberships, the website owners cared not to respond me at all, until many days later. Even then it was one hell to get all those sites canneled. At last they did that, but I had lots of extra stress to think that Im doomed to pay those sites for the rest of my days with my meager money. Another example how those P sites try to scam us.
    You are very right about the glorifying of P. Once again I have those familiar lies in my head, that do I want to live without any sexuality at all, never even seeing a naked female again? Well, I think I can, if it comes to that. At least I know it would just mess my head more if I would give in to temptations.
  10. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    32 Days since last watched P, 5 days since last O.

    I had extreme urges to MO or watch P this morning. I do not know what it was, but I was VERY close to relapse. Entertained in my head all fond memories of P and other F.
    What saved me was that SO has placed me one task to do right at the morning. So, I did that, and when I could leave my haunt, urges disappeared. I could not believe how hard it was not to succumb, and how easy it was when I just got out of my apartment.
    One good thing, though. My E seem to be better than maybe, well, ever. Im sure it is because refrained from watching P. P dulls the senses and excitement. Its not natural to see all that. Its simply too much for our brains.
    So, the rebooting continues. Went to gym today, it was 2nd time for this week. I felt good in there. Now, back home, I feel quite good. I think I can manage another day. The mornings seems to be pure hell for me. I should not believe any thoughts that arises then. They are the thoughts of the addict, sick, sick man. But I can escape them, if Im aware enough and use these survival tactics that I have learned during the years.

    Have a good day, every one! Every day clean is worthy.
  11. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 33 since last watched P, day 6 since last O

    I do not feel so well, yet again. It seems I must keep myself constantly busy without stopping at any minute to feel better. I skipped my gym routine for today, and felt low and depressed after that. But it would be idiotic go to gym every day.. I must have my rest too. As usual, loitering on my own led to edging and P fantasies. Did still many household chores today, even watched one tv show and part of the movie. Now waiting my SO to show up.
    I felt actually quite good during the day, but this lower mood creeped in as I get back home from my workplace. Red a part of "No More Mr. Nice Guy", making notes. Theres so much truth in that book about my situation. Actually, feel overwhelmed as how to really change that much. Feel myself being faulty in so many ways, described in that book. Maybe I would need more intense therapy that I have now, just single hour/week. Theres so much to discuss and so little time, it seems. How to start doing something about my many problems. Thats the most important question of all. Maybe I have already done some little steps in the right direction. Its easy to forget what one was like a year ago. I feel to be little confident than before. But still, theres this defeatist voice in my head saying: its not much, and I cant wait any miracle happen. Life is just as is, not getting much better than it is now. So, I would remain sexually frustrated for the rest of my days, even if my confidence would get little better than it currently is. There are a lot of other things, too concerning my self-esteem. Im just not feeling good around the people. Always feel left out, not feeling part of anything. Theres great void, emptiness inside of me. Someone is deep down there, crying out, but Im not even sure who it is and what it wants. I do not know what I want of my life. So I just drift on, without changing things, waiting for.. A change? A death? I do not know.
  12. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 34 since last watched P, 7 days since last O

    The more and more thoughts of P are assaulting me. I feel like I should give in, "fall back to where I belong".
    I noticed last night that my stash of P pics was still in the trashcan of my computer. Stupid computer have saved them over a month, without emptying the content of trashcan. I had an momentary relapse and took those pics back. I even went further enough to open that file to see those miniature pics of P. Just for a few seconds, not able to really see anything but it gave rise to my temptation. Then I closed the file, but still left it where it was. Now Im going to delete it. I wrote about this to confess how close Im to relapse in my mind now.

    There has again been justifications for me to give up and and fall back to use. These justifications tells me, its something I can not avoid in the end.
    I will write them out now, with the hope it will help me go through this and reboot at least some time more.
    These facts about me tell me that no matter how long this rebooting will last, some things are not likely to change

    1) I have not been, and never will be a people's person. Im not very social by my nature. Yes, I still have social anxiousness, which will prevent me to get real job. I can only work in the place where I have my own room, so that socializing will not burn me out. But other than that, I am loner by heart, and generally do not even want to be social. I like to be on my own, or just with my few closest people.
    Because of my anxiety and reserved nature, theres not likely to be any real connection with me and other people. So I will not likely ever find to place to fit in. Get to know the people, have some friendships and learn how to be comfortable with the precence of attractive women. So, this will lead to a very sparse life with handful of people, living in the kind of isolation. Its not likely there will be many new opportunities and people in my life anymore. Thats it, if things will not change drastically on their own.

    2) I feel my own sexuality to be very awkward, Im not comfortable with intimacy. Even with my SO. I have not learned to give and receive, being a sole spectator with P all my life. Theres other thing: in my mind I divide the women that I have interest to two categories: those that I would like to love, be kind and caress, and those others that I think only with lust.
    I remember being like this in my very youth: there was one girl that I got crush to. Never told that girl anything about my feelings. But never I thought about her sexually. On the contrary there was a bunch of other girls that I had lustful thoughts.
    This come also regarding to my current and only SO. I do not desire her. Theres nothing wrong with her, but I just have this conditioning with two categories. Im kind of sure this will not change with any amount of rebooting.
    Only way I can think of learning intimacy would be with the willing woman, who would very patiently teach me it, fully accepting me, my faults and awkwardness. Its not likely that my SO will ever do that.

    3) So, the sole purpose of my rebooting should be to forget sex totally and focus to other things in my life. I just cant wait myself to get more older than this, because even at this age my sexual needs have waned somehow. Maybe, with time, they will be gone totally and then I will finally be free.

    I feel Im stuck with these thoughts. What the point of rebooting, at least for considering my sexuality, because the sole way I see ahead is just remain as I am (having a momentary relief for my needs with the help of P) or try to find a life-time of abstinency, leaving behind the thing that was never for me, because of my base nature.

    Of course, the rebooting have many benefits, like more energy, less depression, more aware of the world, not objectifying of females, but still the the crucial answer for my sexuality has not been answered.
    Maybe I should really try to have an appointment to sexologist or bring these issues up with my therapist.
  13. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day34 continues..

    I feel shame after all this negative complaining Im prone to do. I decided it will stop now. I will give up even the thought of sex-life and give my full focus to other things in my life.
    I have so many good and positive things going on, its just stupid to bemoan and poison my good vibe with all this ranting. The whole sex-thing for me is kind of trivial in the end. No one has died because lack of it. Theres so much more in the life..

    I still have my good health. My SO has relatively good health too. Things are ok just now. I try to be grateful for just that. I will work out as much as I can, I will try to make my sleeping habits better, I will eat better and more healthier foods. At least I can do that. I can also continue my yoga sessions, go out in the nature, edit my book at its finishing stages, continue my therapy, try to tell my closest ones that they are dear to me. If I will relapse, then I will relapse. But I know better than that.
    I already can tell huge difference when being in the precence of attractive women. Because they do not have now that sexual power over me, I do not kind of worship them, seeing them now more in ordinaly, asexual way. That brings peace to my heart. I should continue avoiding P.
    Maybe I should take break from this forum now, or write little less. Just focusing my life, when its good. Theres these things in near future which might make my life much harder. But as for now, I should just be in this moment, enjoy the calm days as long as they will last.
  14. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you


    I was drawn to read your entire journal this morning. What drew me to your journal was a comment that you left in Musicman's journal and the quote from Robert Masters that your include: "No one arouses us. We arouse ourselves, no matter how convincingly we project such a capacity on to another. Men are not bewitched by women, but are bewitched by their own hoping-to-be-engorged appetites, or, more precisely, by their unwitting animation of and submission to such appetites, particularly those that promise some pleasurable numbing."

    I had to read the quote from Masters many times to take it in and let it sink in. First, thanks for your honesty and willingness to share so much of your life with others here on the forum. Second, I see much of myself in your writings; overprotective mother, absent, disengaged father, lack of confidence in your sexuality (inability to take initiative to have sex), wanting to be desired by women yet feeling generally unlovable, feeling deprived/victimized and reacting to this feeling be a sense of entitlement (to watch porn and enjoy sex on your own terms), and so on. A lifetime of negative, self-defeatist beliefs about yourself have become solidified, cemented as facts or truths ("because it feels true, it must be true as well" kind of a thing).

    One of the questions that emerged in my mind as I was reading your journal is in regards to your SO. This relationship appears volatile and stuck in negative, repetitive patterns. How would you describe SO to yourself (and others)? Are you trying to constantly fix her, save her? What kind of security/safety are you finding in her, if you don't mind my asking?

    I'm a codependent guy and so is my wife. When she shows signs of frustration, anger, irritation, all the bells in my internal alarm system goes off. Without even giving a thought, I'm immediately springing to action. I often try to dispel her irritation with humor, cracking jokes, being silly etc. Anything to avoid experiencing my own discomfort, is the underlying conditioning that is operating. Luckily, I have awareness of this mechanism, which sometimes allows me to go into the "observer" mode where I let things be as they are (far easier said than done, admittedly). Also, I have talked to my wife about this countless of times. I have let her know that this is what happens to me when she gets cranky, tired. I basically regress to a boy at age 5, 8 or whatever. Are you able to meaningfully communicate with your SO?

    Finally, TT you are making great strides and gaining a lot of self-awareness and insight in the process. Be well.
  15. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 40 without P use, day 1 since last MO. Next goal: 45 days without P

    I have managed quite well without P. I still reminiscence it about every day, but do not have any real will to watch any of it. I have had not any blockers or like that in place during the whole time. They do not work in my case. It will just make the whole thing more exciting because its "forbidden". My fetish fantasies, edging and such habits are still firmly in place, not diminishing a bit. Well, the time used for them have lessened, and thats a good thing. There still seems to be in me that overwhelming need to escape. And sex with myself is my drug to do it. I have had 2 MO's recently, first one was 5 days ago, and second one was just yesterday. Did not felt overtly bad after those, but still they affect my mood quite much.

    There has been few good things happening because of this no P- rebooting. Most amazingly I have lost all lustful thoughts when seeing females around. They are now just people to me now. Because of that, I dot feel so embarrassed if I must talk to them. That do not mean that I would have learned small talk or flirt with women, no. Im just as reserved as always, just not so nervous because do not feel myself to be such a perv anymore. Instead of sexy, I seem to have noticing the cuteness and character of many women much better than before. That is straight pointer how the P will adle our brains. Our whole way of seeing the world could be distorted by its use. Now theres slowly emerging for me to have "normal" view of things, maybe first time in life since childhood. But I know that more time is needed and P must be absolutely "no" for me now, indefinitely if possible.
    That said, one's life will not turn to be much different without P. My life is just as it has been. I have many issues to deal with, most notably my low self-esteem and my nice guy antics which seems to be so many it horrifies me to think about them. All these escaping to addictions, these needs to be always nice, fearing that anyone would be angry with me, being a wimp, not caring or even knowing about my own needs, fearing the world, being anxious about the future, being a doormat to everyone, generally having a fill of self-made misery all this and much more.. I understand I have grown up to be very dysfunctional person socially. Theres a tremendous project to change the tide and teach myself to find some worth about me. Because theres this deep sense of toxic shame hidden inside of me, which keeps telling me that Im totally worthless as a man.

    Hi, welcome to my journal and thanks for your long and deeply insightiful reply. :)

    That quote which you speak of is from the book "Manhood" by Steve Biddulph. Its a good read, I recommend it.

    As regarding my relationship with my SO. You are quite right, its kind of relationship typical to nice guys, that I try to save her and fix her problems. She has many, with health and mental issues. I think it was what draws me to her initially, I saw a kind of broken personality and had an unconscious desire to be her savior. I still find security in her presence, when she's in good phase or generally in good spirits. I feel that she is only that I have and without her Im nothing. Yep, maybe Im escaping that emptiness inside of me, that I do not know much who I am or what I want to do with my life, instead of submerging myself of this lifetime "project", commisering with her. Theres streak of unhappiness in our relationship, thats a sad truth. But it feels that we are stuck in this and I have never truly even thought about leaving her. There are good things too, we share same worldview and she has teached me so many things, what my parents neglected to teach me at all.

    Sounds very familiar for me what you described as of your reaction in your SO's moods. As you said, its kind of unconscious thing to behave in that way. In "No More Mr. Nice Guy" the whole thing is described as stemming from childhood neglect and as a false coping method for that. Its good thing that you can go to observer mode at some times. I have too managed that at times, especially if Im in the stable mood to begin with. But when Im already anxious, stressed out, weakened by the lack of sleep or such things, then the carousel of misery just continues as it has been during this 14 years of relationship that I have had with my SO.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Bingo. Another mechanism I used was cleaning. When my mom was upset I would begin doing the dishes, tidying up, and I've done that same thing with my wife when she becomes unhappy. These are old, well-established, routines. Breaking free of them is NOT easy. But, what choice do we have? Are we going to just bumble along with our hands up in the air? Or, are we going to take action!

    45 fucking days. Wahoo!!! :D This is awesome. This is what growth looks like. This is what change looks like. 8)

    TT, now that you're off P, how about ditching the edging, as well! When I gave up P I thought it was "job done." But, as I discovered my main issue was not so much with P, but with an insatiable desire (an addiction) to MO to fantasy; P being, more or less, my vehicle to achieve that. Giving up P absolutely has changed my life for the better, but not engaging in MO has been even bigger. No, it's not easy - heavy lifting never is. Be yet more courageous and stop touching yourself!
  17. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you


    I get it. While it has become a cliche, I would say that you'll be doing yourself a service (and your SO) by "doing the work on yourself" first and foremost. It seems from your writing that you're already moving in that direction. I remember this spiritual teacher saying that "personalities (egos) don't love, they want things." Honestly, that's how most relationships function on an unconscious level. The fear of abandonment, loneliness triggers this basic survival mechanism in us that defies logic as our adult, grown-up view is obscured, obfuscated by the little, trembling, frighten one that resides in the basement of our minds. I will follow your journal with interest, TT. I wish you strength, wisdom and growth as you travel this journey. Be well.

    I'm starting to appreciate you no-nonsense, no-bullshit approach to recovery more and more, Saville. You're absolutely right. So, thanks for that.
  18. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    41 days since last P use. Day 0 since last MO

    It seems Im sabotaging my reboot with constant relapses to MO. Today I had another one. I have replaced this habit in the place of former P watching. But theres something more to it, really. My E's are very good and solid now. This is very new thing for the me, I was formerly sure that would turn out to be totally impotent. But it seems that without P, my tools are really waking up.. That places me somehow horny mood and its quite tempting to test and again.. I try to curb this behavior more sternly from now on. What made me happy was, that I seem to recover from these MO's much quicker than before. I feel more vigor than maybe ever before coursing in my veins now.

    Its obvious to me now, how badly P affects to my whole life, if I would use it again. It kind of saps something essential from my being, be it life force or pure energy. Its really is like a vampire; alluring yet giving really nothing but sucking life away.
    I have reflected what P use has really meant to me. Whats the difference when using it and when abstaining from the use. Its like when watching P, I would have an affair with those images and videos. Its my lover. After the use, I have used some of my energies and have not had anything back. Because all of it is not real. It seems like I would have had a legion of lovers, but in fact there has been none. So theres only emptiness with the lack of energy. No real conquest, no real experiences at all. In fact, I feel greatly diminished after the use. Because of course I know that its all just fake. Plus the shame. Theres this shame of use, because I have been kind of voyeur when watched other people doing sexual things. Its not so much because of morality or religious beliefs, as its just unnatural thing to have such a sex-life, without the normal flirting, wooing and slow chase for the goal. Its unnatural to satisfy one's sexual needs with a snap of the finger. It robs something essential of the whole thing.

    When refraining from the use, the body and mind will slowly recover to normality. Morning woods seems to get better. Theres not lusting thoughts about the women. Theres this general zest for life, like healthy tension which will made me do things. So, I consider this to be healing. It feels totally awesome, to feel like that. Its totally new for me. I have been using P since being teenager, and been carrying this shame as burden ever since. As I have written before, this is now 2nd longest streak for me without the P, ever. My first and longest one was the very first time when I joined in this forum, 3 years ago. It was all so new for me then. When the first relapse to P happened, I had not rid of that habit since, constantly using, albeit still less than before. I have been slowly learning what makes me relapse and all those things lying in the background. I had at one point over 200 days without O. But even then, I constantly edged and peeked P.
    But, now it has really been clean going for me, and I have really felt the good effects. Why should I abandon this process now, when I fully well know both the alternatives.

    Saville: Thanks man, for the encouraging words! I try to refrain from MO habits as well, but still lack the real conviction to really stop. I hope to manage that, because I know you speak the truth about it.

    Newman8888: You put it so well;

    Thats exactly what happens, when we will fail to please our loved ones: the memory of abandonment will take the reins and affect our behavior in wrong way.
    I know I must change my own behavior first. I know theres a lot of learning and growing to do, to finally emerge as a whole person. As a real personality instead of "nice guy" trying to please. But this journey is very interesting, albeit not easy. It happens with small steps and stages, almost unnoticeably. But as long as I continue to search, continue to face my feelings and little by little take also action, I hope my life will turn out to be totally different with time. Theres always hope for that, at least.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I'm loving this new energy of yours. The hope in your voice is really inspiring!
  20. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    42 Days since last P use, 1 day since last MO
    Just wanted to write in here because all kind of musings and reflections seem to bound in my mind now. Woke up refreshed and brimming with energy today. Did all my mourning routines happily and efficiently. Went to gym, it was 5th time this week! Felt awesome to train in there. Felt truly like a man. Its huge difference in one's bearings and countenance when formerly watched P like 5 times/week with constant edging and occasional O's and went to gym like once a week, its like different man who had not watched P at all, but went to train 5 times a week with good attitude. Its like new me, which I like much more than the former one. :)
    Maybe Im in a kind of dopamine high right now, and will fall burning down at a any minute, but I like to enjoy this good feeling as long as it will last.
    I realize now that there has been so much self-cooked misery in my life.
    I wage battle in three different fronts right now, which are of course intertwined with each other.
    First, there is this relationship with my SO, with all her huge load of problems and with my nice guy antics.
    Then theres this self-esteem issue, which I have been fixing with my therapist.
    Finally, this P issue, which have hugely affected in all other fronts. That battle I wage with the help of this forum. At least in this front I have managed to have some success of late.

    Other thing that crossed my mind stems from my latest post, in which I reflected how the P will affect us as a men.
    Its true, that deep in every man is the need for fight, to challenges, to conquer. We are made to be hunters. It do not need to be physical hunt, but its our nature to struggle to prove our worth. In that concept, this addiction can be seen as blessing. Because its something that could be conquered, and because with it we have a change to grow. To be stronger and wiser, to have achieved something.
    On the contrary, the P will effect us totally opposite of that. Because theres no need for restrain our energy, to "hunt" for females, we will learn nothing. Theres no accomplishment in watching P, even if we would see million of most beautiful females naked in there. What is worst, it will rob us our energy, our zest for life. Because we are males, theres this sexual need to go after the women. If that need is already satisfied, what need is there to go and conquer the world to have a woman? I think P will make males degenarated. Especially young boys who will never learn the need to hunt, to challenge oneself, to grow that is needed to conquer a woman. That needs not to actualize in that way that men should always be chasing after women. No, what I mean of is just that in healthy male there is always this little sexual tension inside, which will give him a boost to be active in his life. He can perfectly fine use this energy to obtain any other thing than women. But that spark will be missing or at least diminished if satisfying one's needs with the like of P.

    Edit. Part of these insights are likely stemming from the book: "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida, which I red lately.

    Maybe thats enough for today.

    Saville: I like too to write about my positive moods. But I will not refrain from telling my negative moods too, if needed. It helps if you let that dark energy out and see it have not so much power over you when you look at it close.

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