A lost boy's journey through dark woods towards real manhood and integrity

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by titan_transcendence, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I'm sure I could have written this not long ago. The learning process is no PMO and for me no MO, probably for you, too. Those are simple rules/truths to live by. :) We have to believe in the process and not try and reinvent the wheel. No PMO, no fap, end of story. This begins the revolution within us.

    When men and women are in a sexless marriage they often start behaving like singles. So, it's not surprising that unsavory habits arise. She doesn't need to be sexy for you, nor you for her. This is what it was like for my wife and I. Sometimes I found her disgusting and I'm sure she felt the same about me. The no PMO/no fap journey is about us. However, the awesome thing is that as we change the perception of our SO's changes, as well. I NEVER thought I would, nor could, be intimate with my wife again. Finding this forum changed all that.

    One week in the bag is awesome!! :D
  2. Gone fishing

    Gone fishing Active Member

    TT, it seems to me that unfilled expectations of sex cause a feeling of entitlement. This sense of entitlement leads to trouble. At this point in my life I am receptive to sex but don't initiate or expect it. Surprising it leads to a more harmonious relationship with more sex.

    Some people can have a healthy life of self masturbation. For others self masturbation causes distress. On some level I envy those who enjoy a healthy level of self masturbation. But I'm not one of them. It is something I need to avoid. For me the negatives of self masturbation far outweigh any benefit.

    It's never too late for redemption. If MO causes you to feel inferior or ashamed then it is something you need to work on reducing in your life. You life will become better without it.
  3. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Its day 9 now since my last relapse. Had very busy but basically good day yesterday. Not time to waste to anything.
    Still there has been one stress-factor surfacing from my SO's direction. I already recognized my initial response to that; feeling anxious, stressed out, desperate.. Like my eyes has already seeked a familiar way to escape. I still havent surrendered to those urges. Yesterday evening went quite well with my SO. I do not know what this day will bring.
    Feeling quite tired after my short workday. I have very little energy in my disposal, I tend to feel tired almost everytime. Just managing few chores and I call it a day. If theres too much going on in my life, I feel heavily stressed and can not enjoy things. Maybe I have lost my energies because of the addiction, or maybe I just have naturally low energy.
    Feeling kind of depressed too. This same thing has happened to me before when truly tried this rebooting. Want to withdrawn to everything, even normal day things. It just feel nothing is worth it. Maybe I will got used to feeling of rebooting. In time, I will forget there was once a time when I craved sexual entitlement all the time to feel alive. I do not know, but want to try how it will work out.

    Thanks once again for your interest, guys.

    Marston: My book maybe the most dearest thing to me now. Its truly something, one thing that I can call my own. I encourage you to continue the writing process. It by itself is rewarding and at least for me, lessens the need to indulge in unhealthy habits. Theres sense of accomplishment every time when you manage to add some pages which feel finished. :)

    Nofapado: You pretty much nailed it for me:
    Its just this sense of entitlement that has been holding me back for truly embracing this rebooting thing. Theres this voice in my head (maybe its addictions voice) that tells me: "look, how other people can have sex life, how they have many partners and experiences during their life time. But you, you do not have anything. You are in sexless relationship and do not know even how to initiate passion in woman. So, theres either lifetime of celibacy for you, or then.. you can watch P. Then you at least experience some kind of passion in your life, by seeing others doing it."
    It has broken my resolve countless time in the past and kept me from truly progressing forward, leaving circle of addiction and self-defeat behind.

    Saville: It truly gives me hope to see how things have worked out for you. Its true, there should be no MO/edging for me either. I feel more balanced person without. Its vicious circle of self-abuse: feeling low -> using addiction to cope -> temporary relief by escaping -> feeling self-worth diminishing because of sexual shame -> circle continues on and on..
    What you says ring very true for me: I have noticed by myself that everytime I have succumbed to my addiction my SO is somehow aware of it and tend to feels towards me more irritably, even despising me. But If I have managed to be clean, she is more friendly, even respecting towards me.
  4. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Its day 10 now. I will not put counters, because its so discouraging to reset them if I will relapse.
    I had an very sexual dream last night. Those have been very rare for me. In that dream I had sex many times with some unknown woman. This sounds silly and pathetic, but it felt good to be desired, even if that was only a dream.

    I feel my mind is more keener now. But same time I feel more vulnerable and my self-esteem is so low.. Its not easy to face one's life, when one has escaped it most of time. I have seriously thought what is wrong with me? Why I have an such low self-esteem. Why there is so much self-hate and disappointment towards myself. I have an extremely harsh and unforgiving inner judge inside of me. Nothing that I will do is good enough, or maybe it can grudginly accept that some things that I manage are ok. But theres almost never feelings like enjoying being myself, being proud of my unique personality. It always finds some fault in it. I must seriously ponder what there is to do to heal my broken self-esteem. Or maybe there was and has never been much of it. How to build an healthy self-esteem in this olderly age? I think it can be done, with lots of time, patience. Of course I would need much good experiences and things that I succeed to do. It will not be easy. My therapist has said to me that there lacks kind of forgiveness and tenderness towards myself. Deep inside I feel that Im not enough. I also lack in my life acceptance, and loving touch. Theres always this faulty belief that no one really cares about me at all. Because theres lack of those basic human needs it has turned to depression in my case. Hence a need to escape. But mostly its just in my head, I know it. I need to accept myself as I am, accepting my faults but also recognizing and appraising my strengths.

    Maybe thats enough ramblings for today. One day at time. I wish all my fellow rebooters a good day!
  5. Gone fishing

    Gone fishing Active Member

    TT having compassion for yourself is a good starting point.
  6. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Nofapado: Ye, let the compassion towards ourselves be our guiding light! :)

    Day 11. Feeling very good after gym workout. I have sorely missed gym training, now it seems that hot weather period have finally passed, I can resume my healty routine in that area.
    I know this feeling will not last very long. But why not enjoy it as long as it will last. Im shot down so easily, have to keep my feet firmly in the ground. I must be aware and understanding at all times.
    One realization dawned on me this day. This feeling, this is what it is meant to be. When feeling good, happy and whole person, thats my real authentic personality, and has been all these years. Its only succumbed by firstly lacking coping mechanisms and using addiction to escape. It has made me feel so miserable nearly all my life. Now I know, that its not my true self, my true way of being. I am so much more. I can be proud of myself. By taking reins of my life, even if falling at times. Its still my true spirit that has been emerging out of the dark pits of addiction during these last years. Im still in that pit, but I have seen the light. I know its long, slippery climb up there. But I also know, its possible to do it. Theres light, high up there. In the pit, theres only darkness. It can lull me to believe its something more, that theres solace in the forgetting, letting it all go, by giving up. But thats not real life. Theres never a feeling of fullfillment, feeling of pride, feeling of how good it is to be alive.
    Other thing is, the more distance theres between me and P, the more clearly I can see the falsity of the whole thing. What the fuck, why should I drool and touch myself by watching strange women without clothes? It also gives a totally wrong picture about women. Their sexuality is totally different from man's, I think. But the P caters only for the men, and how they would like the things to be. No wonder that guys like me, who have grown up with using P have no real idea about feminity at all.

    Well, lets try to survive another day. The addiction will be always there, ready to grasp at my ankle and pull me back to the pit. But if I put my feet firmly in the ground and let my eyes watch the beauty of the sky I will remember what is real and truly worth fighting for.
  7. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 12

    Notice: I do not write this down to whine or pleading comfort. I just try to face my emotions without resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms. This is what I feel. I hope that by writing it down, I can get it out of my system for awhile.
    Feeling down today. Maybe its because of my extreme weariness. Often I think that I would like just to lie down and stay in my bed all day. Still, I had to go to work. Work that I do for free. Another thing that makes me feel depressed. I kind of punished myself by doing as much work as possible. I do not know why I behave like this. Other people only irritate me in this mood. I feel resentful and angry all time. Maybe my energies go down the drain because of these feelings. Now that I finally could get to my apartment, and I sit there curtains closed, I finally feel little better. Im worried when Im in that phase that I would turn self-destructive some day. I can tell that I do not care if I get hit by the car or something when feeling bad. Stupid, of course but its very strong mood thats difficult to change. I know that my mind is not ok. I have an addicts brain and lifetime of things that I can feel remorse. But its now, past is past, I try to tell myself.
    I noticed how this negative phase creeped in my mind yesterday evening. It was related to my SO. First, I felt insecure, then lonely when I had no contact from her last night. Noticed how all negative emotions feed my addiction. Reminisced some P scenes in my mind. Again I think in my head that Im only fooling myself trying to abstain and reboot. I know, that I would surely relapse sooner or later. Still I struggle on. Maybe this dark phase will pass and then I can feel better.

    Stay strong, every one.
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Your mind is fine. Its reward centers are confused, that's all.

    Remorse is one of the most useless feelings out there. It leads to self-pity, which creates the self-fulfilling prophecy that we're worthless. Addicts feel worthless because that also allows them to do nothing in their lives. I've been there, done that, and it never helped me once to feel remorse. If we do something stupid then it's OK to feel badly, but then we have to move on!

    Right now, at this very second, whether you give up P, or not, you are a man worthy of love. THIS, is so very hard for us to get through our noggins. So, what are you going to do now that you know you are special? :)
  9. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I wanted to report in here that I managed through the storm. This time, at least I could face those hard emotions raging inside of me, without resorting to P use. I admit that it was very close call, however. Did some M'ng and had P fantasies, but managed to stop that in time. I consider myself still surviving in this reboot.

    I feel so much better now. Its almost like theres two of "me". That other could be called "Self-destructive mode", which tend to activate when Im dealing with difficult emotions, or when theres lack of any kind of my basic needs, like feeling hunger, not slept enough and so on.. I should be more aware when this is happening to me, telling myself not listen my then surfacing negative thoughts, understanding that Im just tired or hungry or whatever my real need is, try to deal with it if I can, or if nothing else just wait until it will pass.

    Saville: Thanks, I really appreciate your support! Theres wisdom in your words, which I kind of understand, but its still difficult for me to react in right way when that bad phase bounds. Feeling of remorse, you are right, it do not help at all. Its another vicious circle of self-abuse, to blame oneself of the past mistakes, instead of using NOW, to choose wiser way and trying to improve one's situation with the help of wisdom learned from the past mistakes.
  10. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 13. It was pretty good and eventful day. At the morning I had the "pleasure" to cycle in the pouring rain. In the end, it was a good day with lots of little tasks that I managed to do. On the negative side, I did some M'ng in one moment during the daytime. It was once again triggered with the feelings of insecurity. But I went to gym after that, and there was no further problem later. Good ending of this day was to take a nap with my SO's side. It was good to feel her near me, if only to hug her. Im grateful of this day.
    If I manage the coming day, I have not watched any P or had O for 2 weeks! Especially with P, its my best try for very long time. I could relapse tomorrow, but right now, it feels good to be me. Its simple comforting things that matter most.
  11. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 14
    I have achieved 2 weeks now in this rebooting attempt. This was another quite busy day, but in good way. I met my friend, and thats usually nice occurrence, but today I felt his company to be taxing to my energies. He was in kind of negative mood, and no wonder because he have had hard time this summer. Im quite a understanding, but still felt myself wondering, if I would have had better day being on my own and rewriting my book and then just visiting my SO in the evening.
    But most important thing was that I managed to be clean today.
    Lets see how far I can go on like this. One day at time.
  12. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 15 All went fine until this evening when I went to my SO's place. I could tell she was heavily stressed already when I came there. Of course, I had my typical bad luck and made a mess in there, causing her to totally explode towards me. Once again, all her life miseries are my fault. Conclusion: she do not want to see me, is angry like hell and our boths evening is ruined. Well, this happened before. I was strangely calm this time. Moments like these are my highest priority danger to relapse to P, to escape, to feel like theres nothing in this life but pain. Just now, I dont feel like that. Not much, but I know that soon there will surface more difficult emotions.
    Its highly unlikely that I will survive this day without relapse. If that would happen, it surely be the first time that I could manage my emotions properly. Lets see what happens. Theres one part of me that is kind of bystander now and curiously observes how my wounded self will behave in the face of overwhelming feelings of bereft and abandonment.

    I have been thinking my relationships with women in larger perspective too. Its quite a sad history for me. When I was very young, like 6-7 years old I had one girl as a friend. Our friendship ended pretty soon and after that I had not any contact with girls most of my life. I was very shy and reserved guy in my youth. Never any female had any interest towards me in my youth. In high school most of other people in my class was female. Not even spoke to any of them. Same goes to college, most other students in my area of studies were female. Again, not any contact to any of them. Spend my time in my home with my parents and few friends. Then, when I was like 22 years old I started to go to bars. When heavily drunk could first time spoke with women. It felt amazing to break that one curse in my life. Otherwise, those bar goings were not very succesfull. I had few one-night stands, in those moments that I was most drunk, but could not perform with those girls. Maybe it was due to my condition, maybe because I just did not were ready for real sex. So, its kind of disappointment for me too. I still remember those nights when I returned home alone, feeling more bereft than ever. Couple of women that I actually went to meet when sober, did not want me but as a friend.
    Then my current SO came to picture, 14 years ago. Right at the beginning there was something in her that attracted me. Partly it was her kind of style, but now I understand it was also her many problems. In my desperation and unconscious need to have someone I started my maybe life-time project of helping her, trying to fix those things broken in her. You could guess it has been huge failure mostly. I have made some of her problems just worse, being just the clinging boy but not real man in her life. Maybe im too harsh towards myself. I have actually helped her in many things too. But its kind of twisted relationship still. Right at the beginning she honestly told me, that she did not desire me in that way. I was even more mess back then and did not care. It was and has been enough for me if somebody just could tolerate my company. I have no idea what the real love is. Maybe, with time, she has learned kind of like me. But I do not know if she has ever truly even loved me. Like I have loved her, or that desperate idea of this relationship.
    I had to open up, and spill this all out. Maybe then I can understand all of it better. Maybe then I can more honestly think how to better this relationship if its possible. I can not even think to abandon her, im not ready to do that. I do not really know what would happen if that came to be.

    Now im sitting in here, dwelling in these thoughts that I just wrote down. I do not feel good, all those insecurities deep inside are activating in me. I try to bear the burden, this time. Face my real life and its pains. I know that otherwise things would not likely ever to get better..

    update: I actually managed through the storm, this time. It helped, that I got contact to my SO and things settled a bit. At least the rebooting continues.
  13. Gone fishing

    Gone fishing Active Member

    Great that you weathered the storm. That's a huge accomplishment!
  14. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 16

    Did not slept well last night. Evenings stress exhausted my energies quite badly and affected too my sleep. I had once again that "self-destructive mode" going on during much of this day. My thoughts went on circles, being very negative. Its typical also for me to dwell in those emotions, like an act of self-punishment. Same went to my workload, which was once again huge. Stupid to exhaust myself in a work that I did not even have any money, but maybe its my twisted thinking that it serves me allright. Another form of self-punishment then.
    I could release myself in that negative thought pattern after my therapist's appointment. At least for awhile. There's still huge stress factors waiting in my SO's place: the last evening is not totally settled and another project with furniture. But its useless to grieve those things in advance. I should only see what happens.

    I put another measure in use today as regarding to reboot: NoA-approach when outside. I did not let my eyes look at any female that would have been attractive to me. I was succesful in that, felt my mind more in peace. I should really make it as a lifetime habit, oggling girls is most useless and fruitless activity man can do. At least in my case. Maybe its my faulty way of thinking but mostly I have got back only despising and disgusted looks from women when did that. Maybe Im too ugly for average womens standards or who knows what they are thinking. One thing that I know with lifetime experience is that theres hardly a woman who find anything interesting in me, and Im ok with that.

    Lets continue like this. I do not wait anything to get better, do not even expect it to happen. Its only my peace of mind that matters. I want to be free of lust and frustration that my sexuality brings to me. Its better to let it be and not to awaken it, to feel better and to have more stable mind. Im not teenager anymore, women and their wiles should not matter too much in this age anymore.

    Nofapado: Thanks, it really was the first time, that in that wounded state of mind I did not open any P pages. It gave a very valuable lesson, that as bad as one can feel at time, theres no need to escape. The lesson of perseverance.
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is bullshit thinking, my friend. I've met super boring people that have babes on their arms, babes who think they're awesome. Time to let these lies about yourself go. These lies feed the addict, which keeps us stuck.

    It's good you didn't cave. Good job!
  16. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 17

    Another busy and quite nice day. I had a full schedule for the whole day. First I went to gym this morning and training felt awesome. After that we had a day long project of furniture assembling with my SO. It went well, not arguments or unnecessary stress. Again, I worried in advance how it might go.
    I have still had some depressed, hurt feelings after the weekends bickering with my SO. Now I took note the negative, self-pitying tone of my thoughts. Why the hell I have always such a low image of myself? What use it is to berate oneself so many times. Past is past, its useless to punish oneself of past mistakes. Its depressing to think how depressed my thoughts are many times. I still have my physical health, many things are good in my life. Why the hell I complain in my mind all the time?
    I want to learn to think more realistic thoughts, noticing those false, negative beliefs that rise in my mind all the time. I must be more aware of my thoughts, then its possible to notice when Im going astray in my mind. Im planning to taking meditation as my daily practise.

    Rebootwise, I have stayed 100% clean of P. I admit being guilty of some M'ng, though. Still O free. I should curb those habits too more, even as they do not feel as harmful as actually watching P.
    I realized too, that I need new goal now, as my first one was to go 2 weeks without P. Lets make it 3 weeks then. Thats my next goal.

    Saville: Even as I wrote it, I know it really was complete bullshit. But, as I was in the middle of depressive mood yesterday, I wanted to believe that belief, as a further punish myself. Its actually very enlighting to write down one's feelings and then read them when in different mood. Whole perspective has changed, even as one have not noticed it! What I try to say is, when feeling those downtrodden thoughts, one should remember, that they only surface because of current mood, they are not the truth of one's life, even as they feel to be at the moment. We are not our emotions, we can be apart and observe those emotions rather than fully succumbing in them.
  17. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 18

    I try to keep on this daily accounting in here, because it makes me more focused on rebooting.

    Today was otherwise quite good day, but I felt exhausted, because of yesterdays many tasks. Still I did not let myself rest, but went again to gym. Did quite many tasks,but was not in very happy mood. Felt myself to be horny, and succumbed to addictive behavior. Its pure luck I did not had O still. I do not know, how I could have stopped my behavior. It was kind of substitute to P, I guess. Most heavily it was because of my tiredness. My brains just craved some feel-good boost. Edging make myself irritable and in quite low mood. Its stupid and I should stop it. Im not entitled to do even that. I should only abstain of any sexual activity. I hope I can do better tomorrow. Its a workday, so lets see if Im again in depressed mood after that. But one day at time.
    I do not have any other goals than moderate my behavior to feel generally better in my life. Im happy that I have not still watched any P in 18 days. I think Im soon breaking my all-time record in that.
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    So, this is fucking awesome!! 8)

    We're tackling a real beast and to even alter some of that behavior is huge. If you can stop the P you can stop the edging. Keep up the progress, my friend.
  19. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Day 19

    I managed this day quite fine. I was not overtly stressed, even that it was a workday. I even was most evening on my own, still did not even consider any P watching. Instead I focused rewriting my book. I guess its nearly in finishing stages now. I should feel proud of it, but I dont know... Its difficult for me to think highly of myself. Its just a book. Its not masterpiece or undying literature. Why its this hard to feel good about myself? Everything I do right is just.. okay. But if I make mistake in somewhere, anywhere in my life then my inner judge wants to punish me over and over again. Faulty thinking, I know. But its hard to learn away from these manners.

    I put this link in here 3 years ago: http://antisex.info/en/contin.htm
    Its a lenghty piece of article about the benefits of continence and harmful effects of any sex. I do not wholly buy it, but I think it still contains interesting insights. By reading that text today I felt more strongly the errors of my life time addiction. It really taxes my nerves every time that I indulge in high arousal stage of edging and such.

    Tomorrow will be a new challenge for me. As an addict, I know its power can wane but it will always there. I need constant awareness and motivation to do this, which must be renewed every day.

    Saville: I said wrongly that this was my best try yet. When I first joined in this forum 3 years ago, I could go without P over 40 days. So, this is still my best try after that, so lets continue to add days to it!
  20. Tony74

    Tony74 Guest

    Congrats on the good job managing today and congrats on your book! I'm the same way with my music, it's very challenging for me to love what I produce! But that's ok, that's our natural conditioning but we can choose to learn to love our creations anyway!

    One day at a time...

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