A lost boy's journey through dark woods towards real manhood and integrity

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by titan_transcendence, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Hi all,

    I turned to be 40 years old, so finally wanted to start new topic in this part of forum. My previous topic is still lingering in former age category, maybe I will remove it later. I just realized that I have been just 3 years in this forum now.
    There has been a lot of going on during that time in my life. Most important thing has been this process of self-discovery that I started when first joined in here. There has been bland times, very bad times but also some highlights, when I have felt to be most alive than ever.
    This year I also started real psychotherapy. Main diagnosis is severe depression. Well, I can tell I have very obvious lack in my self-confidence too. Thats the fuel for my addiction to P and fetishes. I just feel so bad, unworthy and want to escape my real life. Because of that, my life just suck more.
    I understand quite well at this point how the addiction works, its subtle tricks and cues. Still I have been giving in continuously. All is not lost, however. There have been little progress in other areas of my life. I also have limited my P use mainly to just few pages, not wasting time anymore for hunting new P.

    I am also sexually frustrated. I have never had a satisfying real sex life. I have been in just one outgoing relationship for 13 years (soon 14) now. We have not had sex for like 4-5 years. Its hugely because of me. Im "a nice guy", I have never learned to take initiative in bedroom matters. Hardly in any matters in my life at all. When I think of it, I do not even desire to have sex at all. Or, I want it but still dont. Confusing thing to say at least. Many times wanted to live in real celibacy for the rest of my life. To me, sexuality has always been just me, watching P and dwelling in fantasies. Real intimacy feels awkward. Its not familiar for me. Of course that pains me a lot. I feel inadequate because of that.
    I wanted to write this because I have come to realization that its one of main issues where my addiction to P springs from.

    As I write this I have not watched any P for 6 days. Thats longest time I have managed this summer. I have also contained my sexual energy for 8 days now. Well, its quite good start for my standards. I hope that rejoining this struggle and learning by more wiser than me will help me going longer in this hard road. Im not sure what I want to accomplish, but any day free of P and other destructive habits is day lived more fully.

    Thanks for the interest. Will be updating this when feel like it.
    - TT
     
  2. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Re: Still getting rid of P succubus..

    Ok, yesterday was so typical example how things should not go.. I could almost guess that I would fall at the same day that I would post in here. It did happen. All the way to use P for few hours and result was one PMO. When using, I was not even aroused for long time. I was not interested to do that. Still I felt I had to. But let me explain (no excuses) why it did happen.

    My main trigger is whenever my SO is feeling bad, is cranky or in bad mood, or depressed whatever. In those days she will nearly always turn against me. Everything seems to be my fault and I can not do anything right, whatever I try. I have a tendency to go along with her feelings, feeling myself miserable and unable to handle the situation in right way. I could just think, that ok, now she's in bad mood, but that will pass in time. I should not worry, just trying to be calm and understanding right now. If she do not want to eat and want to be alone, I should let she do that.
    But, in situations like these, there always activates some inner vulnerability in me. The fear of rejection. I feel completely abandoned, alone, miserable and unable to think straight. It feels like all my life just turned to hell. That there's nothing to live for because I feel only hurt. These feelings, I now realize, are not my SO's doing. They spring from deep inside of me. I am lost little boy in those moments. Some early experience of rejection or not feeling mother's love. Something like that.
    Bad thing is, I can not think straight when those forlorn feelings will overbear me. I go straight away to P use and M'ng (we have own apartments so I can do that). I escape my anguish that way. I have learned to do this since my childhood. Something was not right in me or my family when I was just a child. Im classical case that I had overprotecting, but maybe not really loving mother and distant father who was there but has never encouraged me in any way.
    What to do then, when feeling rejected and like my whole world has tumbled over? I admit being codependent to my SO. I feel that without her Im nothing. When everything goes well, I tend not even to notice that. But when disaster in any form will struck, then Im like a leaf in the wind. Powerless. Beaten right away. Well, I feel like that way, but Im sure that many times I have handled those situations well after all. I still have this relationship going after so many years. Yes, I would like to learn to be more independent, more like man. Not just man-servant or little boy trying to please. Its this damned "nice guy" trait in me that causes so much pain and suffering unnecessarily in my life. I have not just learned to stand straight and accept the blows when the world throws them in my way..

    So this is Day 1. I try not to give in those awakened urges to watch more P that my previous day usage aroused. I try to take this day by not being an addict. If my SO will still be angry of me, let it be that way. Escaping to fantasies and P will only make matters worse. Its not the real solution to anything. Even if the pain feels too much to bear..
     
  3. Gone fishing

    Gone fishing Active Member

    That feeling of abandonment or rejection - combined with a sense of entitlement to something more - have led me down the slippery slope too many times.
     
  4. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your interest, Nofapado.
    Its just like you said, sense of entitlement to something more.. I fell back to my old habits after that recent slip. In that first time it was because I felt devastated. But after that I returned to my old ways every day for some time. For what? I guess I just wanted some more. The one time was not enough.
    Now I realize I must stop this. Its still 4 days now since my last O. But I try not to use P in coming day. I must just take one day at time. Its test to my willpower. I know that I lack solid strategy, and reason to stop P for good. Out of my life. Theres that lurking sense in the back of my mind which keeps me coming back to P. I know that after trying (more or less) 3 years to quit now. Its the feeling that I honestly do not know what to do with my sexual urges. I doubt that i can initiate sex life with my SO. I know that I love her deeply, but do not desire her. Maybe i could learn to feel that if I really could stop this enslaving habit to want to watch strange women's naked bodies online. This is deep rounded issue for me. I have never learned to flirt with women. I can not still talk to strange women comfortably. What I can expect it to be for the rest of my life? No sex at all? Learning to M for sensation only? Or finally getting real connection to my SO? Im trying to place these questions because I know that behind them lie the reason why I keep using P.
    But I know I can channel my energies to more healthy pursuits. I try to live more fully again, starting today. So, the coming day will be again day 1 without P.
     
  5. Fry

    Fry Guest

    Do you know the book "No more mr. Niceguy"? It has helped me and lots of others here tremendously
     
  6. Gone fishing

    Gone fishing Active Member

    I keep thinking that it's addiction to ejaculation that closes us off from true connection and intimacy.
     
  7. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Hello, Fry. I actually own that book and have read it. It makes a lot of sense, but still.. well I have not been able to change myself enough to tell the difference. Thats another typical pattern for me, to read some good book full of wisdom and advice (or text like theres this forum) but then forget nearly all about it pretty quickly and continue my old bad ways.

    NoFapado: For me its little different. I try to avoid to ejaculate at all costs. I still do it, like 1-2 times a week. Sometimes in longer periods. But my problem is edging. I do it with and without P every day if not paying attention to it. I use heavy fetish fantasies to do it.

    Today I got mostly clean. Only early at the morning touched myself a little. But after that, I had so busy day and was not alone, so I got at least one clear day now.
    Maybe its due too hot weather for my liking, but I scarcely have any interest at all towards any feminine beauty these days. Or maybe Im just feeling so old, embittered and have given up. It would be so much kinder for me to forget all about sexuality altogether. Theres angry scowl in my face nearly all the time. I have some better moments, but mostly, when facing outside world I feel that theres nothing for me in there. Maybe never was and never can be. I just trudge on this life as it is.
    I should not complain this much, because things are quite good for me now. But still, theres this inner resentment, mostly in the form of self-hate, but also with tint of will of withdrawal from the outside world. I do not know what I want or do I even want anything. Theres just this feeling of loss. Maybe its emotions like these that I want to escape to P land. I never have known what I truly want in my life. As I said, very rarely I have taken matters in my own hands, to change things or try to achieve something that could be my interest.
    Just venting mostly, I think its better to let this all out than let it surface in the form of addiction.
     
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    A lot of what you write resonates with me. We want to feel more, but don't know what we ultimately want. We've read a ton of information that sounds good, but it doesn't catalyze us into making changes. Feeling lost we just turn back to our old habits and lament that we can't stop. However, where I find hope now is in the knowledge that it is in my power to rewire my brain. I think with a little effort all of us here can revolutionize our lives. In fact, I'm reading the journals of men on here every day who are doing amazing things. This gives me great hope!
     
  9. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Saville, thanks for your interest. Youre right, what I see in here in this forum is one thing that inspires me. But its also obvious that we all have our different life situations and past experiences that will guide us, good or bad. Some guys are just more strong-willed or persistent than others. Most of them have already obtained many things in their lives.
    If one has just drifted through most of his life its huge thing to begin to really change things. Theres nothing where to compare, what to expect. Just feeling that something profound is missing, but dont really know what. Im not trying to make excuses but just stating the obvious. Its of course easier just to complain and bemoan one's situation than really start doing something to it. Maybe Im doing that, but also I try to sort the situation out in my mind by writing these thoughts. I hope that things will clear with time (and help of my psychotherapist).

    Today, my edging cost me one MO, right at the morning. I also saw one P pic when opening one email that I shouldnt have.
    The after effects of O were not very bad this time, though. Still, I felt more gloomy today than for example yesterday, when I felt burst of good feeling. Suddenly, it felt so good to be just living. Today was different story due to my actions. I was also irritable and snappy towards my SO. She had some stress and behaved in her typical way. I could not tolerate that perfectly because of my mood. Still the day was not very bad, maybe above average, after all.

    Tomorrow will be different day and another opportunity for me to learn how to really live my life. Maybe one day I will finally stop this vicious circle of self-hurt that my faulty view of sexuality have cost me all these years.
     
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You aren't complaining, nor bemoaning. The fact that you're here, looking for answers, means you've already begun your rewiring. I don't expect I'm going to take over the world anytime soon, but I do look forward to feeling more energized about my life with a feeling of positivity about the future. It's really important to keep journaling here and reaching out to others, I think. There are days I just don't feel like talking about my recovery...or failure, but we must be intrepid and never, not ever, give up on ourselves. Here there is no judgment about your habits. We're all just trying to get better and in so doing make the world a better place. :)

    Keep up the fight, bro'. You're totally worth it.
     
  11. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Saville. Your words feel true for me. It gave me little boost of courage to continue.

    I must confess again how I have not proved clean. I watched some P during weekend. Saturday was worst. I even searched for hours something that would turn me on. I recognized my trigger this time, thought. It was because I felt tired, and had not incentive to start anything. Because of that, frustration got me. Also my edging habits cost me another MO.

    Today I did not watch any P. Even as I have continually fell back to P, there has been at least few P free days recently. Normally I have watched nearly every day. Moderation is better than nothing.

    What keep me really going to reboot is doubt. I have serious doubt if there will ever something else than this in my life. I feel like I have no interest towards what is considered "normal" sexlife. I simply can not feel much interest to that. Maybe its because of P, maybe because of my low self-esteem.. I do not know. But I have sort of given up thought that there ever will be some real intimacy in my life. So, the rebooting for me would mean the life of complete celibacy. I understand that I will not succeed until I will give up all this continuous edging and self-touching that Im prone to do. The reasons for this are always tiredness, feeling lost, frustration and escapism. Theres no real horniness in my cravings. Its just my drug.

    Maybe I should try what it will do to me to really reboot for some time. Problem is that Im not very stable person. I tend to be upset very easily, also depression is very strong in my traits. My mind is not strong enough for constant, adamant rebooting. If theres bad day, I will surely as hell succumb back to P.

    Other thing is, that besides my therapist (and of course this forum), theres no one to support me. My most closest relationships seem to be with people who constantly belittle me or put me down. They do not think highly of me, its clear. Be it my mom or my SO. Im wuss in their eyes, nuisance, or at best shy boy or something like that. I think they are right. I do not earn their respect. I can barely respect myself, for being such weak individual as I am. But well, theres always change to grow. I guess I have been learning to do just that during these years lately. I will not give up, because theres some process that have been started in me. No matter how slowly I will progress, I believe I am slowly going to right direction and make my life at least little better in time.
     
  12. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I wrote very long entry in here yesterday and then accidentally destroyed the whole text. Well, another try now.

    This is my 3rd day without P. I feel my mind is clearer already. P imagery starts to fade pretty quickly. I have noticed same effect many times before. No matter how bad stuff you have watched, in few days its effect have considerably waned.

    This is morning and those times are always hardest for me. Today I felt quite of automatic thought in my mind to "watch little p, not much just little.." you all know this voice and that if you give in, you lose your mind for awhile until energies are wasted once again.
    This morning I try to bear these bad feelings that are behind that wish to escape. I notice that I feel exhausted. So, its just my brain craving for dopamine. So it was not real sexual urges at all, its just this deadly tiredness and depressive thoughts. But I can bear them.
    My depression has gotten worse, because I have lessened my P use. I think I have been depressed for years, maybe even decades but used P to hide from those feelings. Now I have many times tried to face these feelings. If I feel like shit, then be it so. I know that escaping will not help at all.
    My therapists appraised that I can expose my vulnerabilities very well. Its not easy to admit of one's weaknesses. I told her that time of denial is over in my case. Let it all come to surface, why Im like this. I have many good qualities too, thats for sure. I must learn more self-acceptance but its not easy.

    I have a day of opportunities laid before me. Its my own choice, how I will use this time given to me. I can do things that make me feel better, or I can choose the opposite route and maybe learn by my mistakes.
    Lets make this to be a good day to all!
     
  13. Gone fishing

    Gone fishing Active Member

    TT, understanding what is going on in the head is a huge step.
     
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Keep the positive energy flowing, bro'!
     
  15. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Thanks Nofapado and Savillle. Your support means a lot to me. :)

    Its now day 5 since last watched any P or had O. I have edged a bit, every morning. Still could not stop that behavior occurring. Its just that it takes some time for me to properly wake up and I nearly always feel tired and unfocused. Then its kind of automatic reaction for me to begin self-touching.

    But on the positive side, the last few days have been huge improvement for me. I have been very productive and active. Yesterday, for example I ran few errands, made a blueberry pie, made some fresh juice for myself and my SO, did yoga and many other things. It seems like there was no limit to my energy.
    Most important thing lately (and for some time actually but not this hugely) have been my own book. Its very traditional sword and sorcery - style fantasy book, which I started writing over 20 years ago! I wrote about half of it, then abandoned the project to collect dust, until 2 years ago, when I slowly but surely wanted to finish it. Now, I it has been written and rewritten at least once already. Its like 280 pages now, but I will still make some additions and improvements for it. If I can really finish this book, then I can not say myself anymore that Im useless and good for nothing. Its accomplishment that matters most to me. I dont care if I will ever publish that book or let anyone even read it. I think its not that good. But it still feels like child to me. I have noticed important thing too: when succumbed in this creative and honing process, my energies are fully used to that. I have no interest to P, or women at all. I think its normal reaction for us to focus our energies somewhere. If our life is just drifting with no meaning, then we will kind of automatically turn towards one addiction or other, to fill the void.

    So, I hope this good phase for me shall continue for some time now. I dare not to believe so yet, but there's a glimmer of hope formerly unrecognized.
     
  16. Gone fishing

    Gone fishing Active Member

    Life is better when there is a meaningful project or purpose. Writing a book takes perservance and discipline.
     
  17. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Nofapado, writing this book has been more or less lifetime project for me. Formerly I had much better inspiration and was quite adept at writing, but then I lacked any discipline whatever and did not trust it to be worthy at all. Now Im older (scarcely any wiser) and have maybe more perseverance than my younger days. I have decided to finish at least this one project. Its a huge thing for me, if I really succeed at it.

    Today I have felt the urges reawakening in me. Siren's call of P once again tempting me. Not very loud yet, but I know its spell will be stronger soon. It had happened for me countless times during these rebooting attempts, I manage like little over week or 2 weeks in max, then I start to miss P like loved lost friend and at the slightest cue or push go back for it. It could be hard day, it could be soft P image I see somewhere, it could be some attractive woman that I see in the street, triggers are many.
    I think what affected my mood today was that I went to gym after about month break from it (I cannot exercise at summertime because of the heat). It felt good to exercise, but it always makes me more aware of my body afterwards. Its so easy to fall back to old ways, first some fantasizing, then M'ing.
    But not this time. I came to here and wrote about those urges. I hope I can manage some time, then the evening I will be with my SO and be safe. If I manage this day I have been week free of P.
     
  18. Gone fishing

    Gone fishing Active Member

    T, it does seem to run in a cycle and stretching out the cycles seems to be a good way toward being healthy. At this point I've concluded that almost anything can be a trigger, that it's really all internal, and that the work we need to do is deeply internal.
     
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is also a trigger for me. Whenever my wife got irritable it would lead me directly to PMO. I could feel the block in the front of my head. It was almost like I felt frozen. The only thing that would ameliorate that feeling was to PMO. Of course, after PMO'ing I would feel bad in a different way, but at least it allowed me to cope with my marriage. How awful to be just coping with a marriage. Us nice guys generally don't leave our SO, deciding instead to choke down the emotional turmoil, which leads us into unhealthy habits; like PMO'ing.

    Like you, my wife and I were in a sexless marriage. However, just mere weeks after discovering this site, and going without P, my wife and I got intimate on 4 separate occasions. What this showed me was that she could sense a difference in me. She sensed that something that attracted her to me in the first place. There is still a wide chasm between us in some ways, but at least I now hold out hope that we can love each other, and stay together, without me feeling diminished in spirit.

    You're making positive changes! Well done!
     
  20. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys for your support, once again.
    Nofapado: If I get right of your meaning, its all about awareness. Being conscious of our condition at any time. Admitting this to really being an addiction, and destructive one. But also understanding our own body's cycles, like how it affects our thinking when we have had too little sleep and so on..
    Saville: Yes, escaping to P land has been a bad coping mechanism for huge stress that our own most beloved ones can cause us. Its also intertwined with the feeling of abandonment, that no one really loves me. So, the life feels unbearable at the moment and all one can think of is need to escape. I think most important thing in situations like those is to be aware of one's hurt feelings and then calmly accept them. Then its art of patience to wait for storm to pass over. Its most difficult part, but with the help of real self-love, using all healthy coping methods one can survive. Its still learning process for me, how to actually do that. Now its only in my head how to try.
    As for my sex-life, there was not much to begin with. I think my SO has never truly wanted me in that way. Of course I have never learned how to get and rouse woman's passion at all, being a sheepish, mr. nice guy all my life. There has been slight change in that attitude however, but I have still a long way to go. Also there's other quite sad issues in play why theres no sex life between me and SO. Theres mental issues about uncleanliness of things that she has developed. She has many of such issues, some of which have got worse over the years. Still Im in her side and do not plan to leave her, no matter what comes. Maybe Im too devoted, maybe Im just clinging to her. I think its mixture of both.

    I have been thinking lately the issue of shame in my life. Its source has been sexual, my M'ng habits. I started those when very young, maybe just 4-5 years old. Theres been enormous burden of shame and secrecy in my life because of that. It has not been healthy case of self-discovery in my case. I remember how I get caught when very young, many times. No one ever really said to me anything about that at all. I think it was the worst part. Because no one did not say anything, I thought it must be most hideous thing I was doing. I felt totally unworthy in their eyes. My granddad for example, I felt shameful every time I met him and never really learned to know him. Same goes to my dad, theres always been that shame between us. I think he despises me, but of course do not know for sure. Because of my fapping habits I have always felt inferior in the face of other males. I never have been part of any group of men, missing those parts completely. In the army, when I was forced to be with the company of men, I was mostly just on my own. Never felt part. Not to speak about women at all. I have thought all my life that they kind of notice how filthy pervert I am. Again, there has been this feeling on inferiority in almost every occasions when even speaking to them. Especially if I find them attractive. Many of these things are quite commonly written in these forums. It has been enormous relief to see that Im not the only one struggling with issues like these.
    When I think about it, how hugely this addiction have affected in my life, its reminder to me why and how to stop. Otherwise this addiction will be my life, most of it. Do I want its all thats there to remember when the time of death comes to me? Or do I want to try something different, because theres still time left? Some unknown territory for me. The Real Life.

    All things said as for now. It has been a week since my last P usage.
     

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