A Long Way to Go

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by JohnQ, Oct 28, 2017.

  1. JohnQ

    JohnQ Active Member

    I finally decided to make a journal with the encouragement of Saville and most of this post is based on a post I made in his journal. I’m new to this all this. I stumbled onto this site a little over two months back and I am currently 68 days PMO free. I read through a lot of the journals on this site and I believe the journals of the men on this site are incredibly helpful. It is nice to be able to stand on the shoulders of men that have gone before me. I have been following Seville, 40new30 and Bobo and they have given me a ton of inspiration and motivation.

    I’m in my mid 50’s and probably like a lot of the married guys here my wife lost interest in sex shortly after our last child was born. For the last 25 years we might have sex once a month or every other month. Attempts to talk to her have gone nowhere and no matter how hard I tried she wouldn’t engage in any discussion. I eventually gave up trying and grew resentful. I felt I shouldn’t have to beg or cajole her into having sex or wait until she felt sorry enough for me to offer. I fell into the porn habit probably 10 or 12 years ago which resulted in PIED. For the most part our relationship is good but I can’t seem to let go of this resentment I am carrying because of her lack of interest in sex.

    It’s odd but what finally drove me to try to fix myself was going to a strip club with the guys from work. They go once every couple of years and I have always said no to the invitation but they finally convinced me to go. Although I wouldn’t cheat on my wife, being there with all those beautiful women and realizing given the opportunity (which wouldn’t happen) that I probably would not be able to perform with any of them. That was the last straw.

    I have been following the advice of others here. I always tried to stay fit but have been eating more healthy and exercising more. I upped my cycling mileage and intensity and increased my weight training. As a result I have lost 25 lbs and my fitness level has gone way up. I’ve been more productive around the house too; painted several rooms, re-did the laundry room with new cabinets and appliances, cleaned the garage and did a ton of yard work. I’m doing my best to fight triggers by forcing myself not to look at certain scenes on TV and doing my best not to have fantasies.

    I think I am experiencing a lot of the same positive things that the other guys have been experiencing at this point in my recovery which is encouraging. For the most part, I have been having erections during the evening and morning wood has returned. Sexual dreams (not porn dreams) have returned, it’s been years since I have had them. They occur a couple times a week and I have almost had wet dreams a few times but woke up. It’s funny but I have noticed the so called “super power” thing that others have mentioned. I thought I was imagining it but even my wife has commented about other women checking me out. It is a pleasant side effect.

    These 68 days haven’t been all wonderful. I’ve spent most of the time in flatline with the feeling that I am not making any progress. I am convinced this is going to take a long time and I’m even questioning if it is possible to fix myself but I plan on staying the course.

    I have to admit I am struggling with how, or even if I want to, fix the relationship with my wife. I still have a lot resentment regarding her lack of interest in sex but I realize that is something I must work on. Seville offered some incredible insights on this issue. I do believe I need to grow and fix the relationship if I am going to move forward.
     
    57yrold, bobjes and Saville like this.
  2. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Glad you started journal. I think Saville may be correct do not engage wife anymore on subject. I made biggest mistake of my marriage by letting her determine what our sex life would be (that's none). Should have said " nope Jen that's not the way it's gonna be !" You are past that point John Q. In Saville's journal I once posted how if you just go about your business they finally say" I didn't know that ( real man )was in there, wow didn't know I wanted it, find it really exciting. " That is of course if you want to re-establish with her. You are already "locomoting " if that's a word, if not you know what I mean. Welcome to the "we were dysfunctional husbands club ", notice I said WERE, now we (need to speak for self here ) are just" plain ole retarded club !

    Glad to have you aboard dude !
     
  3. JohnQ

    JohnQ Active Member


    Bobo,
    Thank you for the insight. I agree with what you are saying and I need to make the switch in my perspective of the situation. I realize I have some work to do. BTW, I believe I am in good company here.
     
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    The best way to keep your streak going is to post here often, on your journal as well as others. :) Glad to have you aboard!
     
  5. JohnQ

    JohnQ Active Member

    I seem to be in a flatline since Tuesday of last week. No libido and no energy. Part of it might be the cold I caught. I slept a couple hours on the couch this afternoon. Hopefully this cold will be gone soon.
     
  6. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    What a beautifully honest opening post, man.

    You're transforming from a lot of different angles, and that is one of the lesser talked about secrets to overcoming addiction.
    Recovery is not abstinence from our "drugs", recovery is not about your libido or your erections, it's about freeing yourself from blindness in your psycho-spirtual neuronal pathways. :)

    Embrace the flatline, it's the surest sign of major healing... I know though, it feels so alien to be without a libido after years of being hyper-libidinous!
    Ride it out.
     
    Saville likes this.
  7. 57yrold

    57yrold Member

    Wow! You are AWESOME!

    I'm 57. 6-7 weeks no porn, but I wasn't seeing any results, so I decided to switch to hardmode. No P, no M, no O. Been 12 days since my last O. (That was with my wife, fooling around, but due to flatline lack of erection, no sex.) I've been in a terrible flatline since about week 3 of no porn. Sucks...

    I'm very, very impressed with your post. Congratulations on 68 days, and everything else you've accomplished! Well done!

    My story is similar in some ways, but different in that my wife and I have a good relationship. I'm doing NO PMO for her.

    I don't want to blame things, but our daughter died recently and I think maybe I was looking at porn to take my mind off that whole nightmare. Who knows, but either way, I have severe ED and DE.

    I'll be rooting for you JohnQ. Stay strong! NO PMO!
     
  8. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    57yrold please read my post on top of page 7 of my journal. I agree totally with you. I am sincerely sorry for the loss of your daughter, I know I haven't mentioned it on this board but we lost a child also, years ago. Very traumatic, I thought Iraq was traumatic till this happened. So glad to have you here. You will succeed. Again my sincerest condolences on your loss.
     
  9. 57yrold

    57yrold Member

    T
    Thank you so much Bobo. I am very sorry to hear of your loss as well.

    Stay strong! 62 days is remarkable!
     
  10. JohnQ

    JohnQ Active Member

    40,
    Wow, amazing words! ...and the idea about embracing the flatline as a sure sign of major healing is really true and it is a great way to maintain some positive motivation.
     
    seebs75 likes this.
  11. JohnQ

    JohnQ Active Member

    57yrold,
    It’s great to hear from you. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. There can be nothing more tragic than the loss of a child.

    I’ve been pretty much doing the hard-mode thing also. My wife and I had sex once since I started and days ago. The time before that must be about 3 months ago and it is consistent with our limited sex routine. Ugh. To some extent her limited interest in sex might be a blessing in disguise as I try to reboot. It might also give me a chance to work on my resentment issues. Avoiding online porn hasn’t been that hard the toug part has been avoided triggers. I’ve had to turn away from TV programs.

    The question I have is when do you know you are through enough of a reboot and when do you start trying to rewire with a real women, in my case my wife. There doesn’t appear to be any clear answer. Is it when you have no desire to look at porn, get consistent morning wood, when your labido fully returns or is their something else? I’m not sure.
     
  12. JohnQ

    JohnQ Active Member

    I’m still feeling sick, running a slight fever and have head congestion. Will probably see a doctor tomorrow. Not getting to work out this past weekend and work on my projects around the house didn’t help with my flatline.

    Last night I had an interesting dream where I was interacting with a women from work. She is in her mid 30s, is a hard worker, smart, athletic, and looks a lot like Jesica Biel. I will be honest, I am fond of her but our relationship, although friendly, has only been professional. In this dream we were in a meeting with others and she was siting near me. In the dream her proximity was turning me on and I actually woke up with an erection. I have never had any fantasies or dreams about her before. Maybe this is a positive sign that I am coming out of this flatline.
     
  13. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Interesting question JohnQ.
    I can only speak from the viewpoint of being a single man going through the reboot process.
    After about 6 months I was desperate to feel sexual again after being in flatline and tried rewiring through lets say healthy masturbation ('no more mister nice guy' talks about this) It did not work for me, brought up a lot of grief...
    After about 9 months an old friend visited me and we had sex. It was a very different experience for me, my body responded to touch, cuddling, hugs, kissing. We had a great time.
    Now about 15 months in I am still rewiring. I could still say that I am in some type of flatline compared to my previous hyper libidinous existence. Yet I have a steady girlfriend now and we have sex several times a week...

    The rewiring in my experience happens through touch. Hugs, cuddles and kisses. The body and brain somehow need to readjust to find natural responses again. Fantasy and Porn fuck up the system. Unfucking the system can be done at any time during reboot, just do not expect to have sex, that will follow when the body wants to...

    No more mr nice guy gave me a lot of insight in the resentments I carry through life. I can highly recommend this book.

    Nice to have your calm, considered voice on the forum, welcome. (-:
     
    Saville likes this.
  14. 57yrold

    57yrold Member


    I think bobjes said it best:

    The rewiring in my experience happens through touch. Hugs, cuddles and kisses. The body and brain somehow need to readjust to find natural responses again. Fantasy and Porn fuck up the system. Unfucking the system can be done at any time during reboot, just do not expect to have sex, that will follow when the body wants to...


    I completely agree. My wife and I do a lot of kissing and cuddling. That seems perfect right now.

    From Gabe Deem at Reboot Nation: 'Your ED is gone when your ED is gone...'

    Seem simple, but I know it's true!
     
  15. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Gabe Deem" your ed is gone when your ed is gone."..........
    Yogi Berra-- " it ain't over till it's over".......... I fucking love the simplicity and TRUTH !
     
  16. 57yrold

    57yrold Member

    You know, I'm counting the days and weeks, just to get a rough idea of where I am, but I'm trying not to put ANY thoughts into the amount of time.

    I'm at around 6-7 weeks no P and 2 weeks no O (with my wife). I'm in a flatline since 2 weeks into the no P, although it's been somewhat up and down. A few days ago I thought I had just a little bit of morning wood, and my mood had been better, but yesterday and today I'm back to nothing. No libido, very limp, and mood is pretty crappy. Lots of anxiety, depression and mood swings.

    So I'm trying to listen to Gabe on this. It'll happen when it happens. Might be 90 days, might be 90 months, but it'll happen when it happens. I just need to relax, stick to the plan and wait.

    I'm doing more and more meditating lately so hopefully that will help. I was eating better at the beginning of my reboot, but that tapered off a bit. I spin on a bike for about 30 minutes every day, and I try to get outside and walk in the sunshine at least once a day.

    So far, nothing. But that's OK. I expect this is going to take a while, and me getting really frustrated or angry isn't going to speed anything up.
     
  17. JohnQ

    JohnQ Active Member

    This morning I woke up with my eyes glued shut and felt awful so I went to the doctor. He said I have a sinus infection and prescribed antibiotics. Being sick like this really sucks and I miss the positive routine I had gotten myself into over the past couple months. The workouts and projects really helped me focus on positive things and gave me something to accomplish besides the daily work grind. Hopefully in a couple days I can get back to it.
     
  18. JohnQ

    JohnQ Active Member


    Bobjes,
    Thanks for the insight. I guess I need to relax and go with the flow. I downloaded No More Mr. Nice Guy tonight. Saville also recommends this book.
     
  19. JohnQ

    JohnQ Active Member


    57yrold,
    Great advice and insight. Sticking to the plan and letting things happen when they happen is the best approach. About what your and bobjes have said made me thinking about what others have written and that is there is no set timeline, there is no objective way to measure progress and this process is sometimes two steps forward and one step back.
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  20. JohnQ

    JohnQ Active Member


    Bobo, Amen to that.
     

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