A Journey of Willpower

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Chosen Undead, Apr 26, 2019.

  1. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    June 19, 2019

    So the rules of not using the internet are simple. I will only use my computer browser if it is for checking my email, writing in my journal on this website, or to access my medical school portal. Other than that, if there is no justifiable reason for me to have my internet browser open, I will not do so. I'm doing this to combat PMO but also to really curb the amount of time I spend in front of a screen. I'm at the point in my life where I barely use the internet anymore. The only time I'm on it is when I'm spending abnormally large chunks of my day browsing mindlessly.

    Today was smooth sailing as I spent a greater part of the day socializing and exercising. Hopefully I can continue this momentum tomorrow as well. I'm entering this phase again where I'm drifting away from my mother. I think her mental illness is starting to act up as she's being more snide and verbally abusive. I'm not sure how to handle this, as when I was a kid, I would resort to PMO because I needed an escape. I sometimes get the urge to hit her (like she did me growing up), but I don't think I'll ever go through with that.

    Anyway, I'm off to bed now. I'm going to write my journal entries around the same time every night. Hopefully I can continue this practice while in medical school.
  2. Rebel

    Rebel Member

    I've googled boomerang and I found only the instagram app??
    I think you'll like this one
    it has saved me a lot of times, much better than k9.
    scroll down and click "get forticlient 6.0 for windows" (not 6.2)
    during installation you must click on additional security features then check webfilter or it won't be installed.
    to put a password, open forticlient go to settings then click the unlock button at lower left corner ( it may not be there), then click on the lock button on the upper left corner and put a password.
    I have put a random password that I forgot, as it doesn't block any false positives.
    there is a way to use it on android but takes a long time to set up.
    I want to know what you think about it!
  3. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Yeah, try Boomerang Parental Control App for android. This app is practically unbreakable for any phone you set it too, provided you disable changes to security settings. I've never reset on my phone in the past year because of how effective this app is. It forces you to only use it's safe browser which is pretty neat. The only way to remove this app is to factory reset your phone (which I won't do because I'd lose all the contacts, photos, and it will take hours to replace and set up).
    Rebel likes this.
  4. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    June 20, 2019

    Well today I messed up really badly. I PMO'd once after uninstalling everything from my computer. The reason I did this was because I was fed up with the numerous restrictions limiting me from doing anything, and I actually ended up finding a way through my filters. I need to go back to the original reason as to why I started this journal thread. It's a journey of willpower, not a journey of abstinence through pornography blockers. No matter how you install them, no matter how strong they are, you will always find a way to get around them if you have the drive to.

    In all honesty, I have not been taking my reboot process seriously since I started this journal 1-2 months ago. From now on, I'm going to keep posting on here routinely and use my own willpower to stay away from porn on the computer. There is hope however, and I feel like this maybe a really great way for me to get called out on my own shit. It's called CovenantEyes and it's a program that simply monitors your internet usage and collects whatever you browse. It sends reports to the accountability person you have selected so that they can view what you have been doing. If you access porn, it will get included in the report and notify your accountability partner. This seems like something that would help me get through my addiction as I'm directly responsible for my actions. Instead of just resetting/relapsing and apologizing afterwards, but not hold myself accountability right from the get go.

    The reports itself are interesting because it takes periodic screen shots of whatever you are doing on your computer. This means, even if you are watching porn through windows movie player with the internet off, it still takes screen shots and notifies your accountability partner. It's all about self-discipline instead of relying on filters to do the work for you.

    I've sent requests to some friends on here, hopefully they are interested in helping me out.
    Rebel likes this.
  5. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    June 21, 2019

    I went the entire day clean today without any filters or software. Though I had a few temptations, I decided against it after setting up several accountability partners for CovenantEyes. The entire day was spent playing video games here and there, but towards the end of the evening I went out with friends to the bar. I didn't want to drink, but I felt slightly pressured by all my friends drinking. I drank about half a cup of beer which is not much. I mostly ate the wings that one of my friends bought me. We shot the bull around for a bit, though I really don't have much to say to them. We're pretty different people, well, me and them anyway. Tomorrow I'll be traveling, so I won't be able to post for a couple of days.
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2019
    Mekkeren likes this.
  6. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    June 24, 2019

    I've been using my willpower to stay clean for the past three days. It has been working well, especially with an accountability partner that receives reports about what I do on the computer. I've installed the monitoring software on another personal computer as well after being able to fix it. I almost had a wet dream last night where I ended up watching P, but I was glad to realize that that was only a dream. Today my mother is home, so I won't be tempted to do anything fishy. I'll take this day to read, catch up on school administrative work, and play some video-games on my computer. I was not able to post for the last three days because I actually went on a trip with my family and didn't get back until last night. It was a good break from my usual routine. Now that I'm back home, I can get back to work. There is exactly one month till medical school starts, and I am ready. This next month will focus around working out and keeping my mind empty.

    I really need to stop worrying about my appearance. The hair procedure has been completed, and no one was able to tell that I am secretly bald or balding. Everyone asked me "why I shave my head" or "I like the new style". It gives me confidence, but I still have this paranoia that in certain lighting the treatment does not look good or their are areas that are bald. I guess after being bald for 2-3 years, I shouldn't expect a change of thinking in 2 weeks. Nevertheless, because of the reassurance I got during the family trip, I'm less concerned about the procedure than I had been.

    A new accountability partner that I have met on the NoFap forums suggested that I not count days. I keep going back and forth on this, but I guess I'll try for this streak. I feel like when I have a couple of days under my belt, I can be confident, but I guess not considering I always break those streaks entirely.
  7. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    June 25, 2019

    I've been cruising for the past couple of days. I haven't reset or relapsed and have been checking in regularly with my AP(s) and dealing with my own urges head on. The great thing about CovenantEyes is that it simply monitors, not blocks. I finally have full control of my computer, but I have to rely on my willpower not to give in. That's the point of this journal and reboot anyway. Today I'll be all by myself at home so temptations will be high. I've filled up my schedule with errands and chores to do, so there will be minimal time spent at home. I have a lot of hope for this current streak, but I need to push on as it only gets harder from here. Medical school starts in one month, so one month into the reboot will really help me start school with good confidence and mental acuity.
    Mekkeren and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  8. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Great to hear that CovenantEyes is working for you.

    I would like to say don't get your hopes up too much for the one-month point benefits. I once reached it thinking I would be Superman by then but it was not the case at all. Thus I thought why even bother. This Nofap-thing is just a big placebo. And so I relapsed. And of course the major brain fog came back rushing in anxiety was back, lack of motivation was back. It made me realize why I need to stop this addiction.

    So a little point of awareness. Maybe it is of use.

    Best of luck
  9. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    This journal is re-continued at NoFap.com: My Journal

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