A Journey of Willpower

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Chosen Undead, Apr 26, 2019.

  1. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Take a break for a bit. Slacken up and loosen down things for a while.

    Go get a pizza, a soft drink, play some video games for an hour or so, and take a break from things.

    Do not interpret this as me being tricky or manipulative with you or me trying to get you to take a step backwards. No.

    This 'work' you are doing and many of us are posting about on the forum is incredibly sacred and delicate. It is ultra long term but the benefits are this:

    You get to become the man you wish to be in this world.

    Take a break, not in the spirit to reward yourself (although yes treat yourself some way also), but in the spirit of you need TIME to integrate all these changes you have made.

    Your very question, "what do I do now?" Signals clearly that this is what you need to do in some format.

    Ease up for a bit. Cruise. Let the dust settle. You have built a good foundation, let the cement harden up and solidify now. You cant rush it. Time. Then proceed.

    If you dont like the idea of pizza and videogames, then do something else. Fishing. Walking. A hike. A long road trip. Camp. Or just deliberately take it easy with life and let things be the same but do not try and change more things now.

    More change will come. But not now. You have done so much and developed a ton. Good job, now relax for a while.

    Every farmer knows life works in seasons. Harvesting and planting and then waiting.

    You are in a delicate waiting season. Do not label this as being lazy or being lost. Nope. You are on the right path.

    If you are feeling uneasy with things, then you may have an old belief that doesnt permit you to trust the process. Things take time to integrate.

    Why did Jesus go off to the desert or mountains for 40 days alone? To integrate things and get clear what his next step in life is.

    Trust yourself and you know yourself better than i do. If there is something you really really want to do then do it. But if nothing strong and direct arises, trust the waiting process.

    Wait. Have the courage to take down time. Hope this helps for a while. Give it a couple days to a couple weeks and things will shift.

    Do not doubt this process.
    Chosen Undead and Mekkeren like this.
  2. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    I agree with Johnny. We all have to take some time to relax from time to time. Nothing to feel bad about. Those are often the times where we get a better perspective on things and on which direction we want to move in. And it indicates that you are already making changes. Which can be overwhelming. So chill, read, get inspired, or not. New things will arise eventually you just have to wait and trust that it is for the better.
    Chosen Undead likes this.
  3. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    May 28, 2019

    I guess it is time for me to relax and do nothing. I really should give myself a mental break before medical school starts. What the hell can I possibly do between now and then? It's really just a time to let my thoughts wander off and relax after this long journey. I've stopped counting days on the journal posts, as it's best to take it one step at a time. I'll definitely post if I end up resetting/relapsing, but other than that, I will use this platform to keep in touch with my other members and accountability partners. I still have a couple of more journal entries to read and catch up on. I'm glad that people are reading my journal entries, because it gives me motivation to know that I can let people down if I give into my addiction. While on NoFap, I was speaking to an empty audience. Because of that, I had no qualms with resetting. There was really no one to call me out on my shit. It's partly the reason why I moved to this forum.

    Like the last journey, I'm going to stay away from testing my website and filter software. I've set up both home computers well, and all the cellphones are protected. The TV and TV cable box have been blocked successfully as well. At this point, my exposure to pornography and my ability to access pornography is significantly impaired to the point of being too costly to reset both platforms. For example, if I wanted to reset, I'd have to personally back up all the computer data (2-3 hours), reset the computer (which can take 2-3 hours), and set up all the necessary programs/software updates/settings (1-2 hours). That would mean, there is a about an 5-7 hour downtime if I choose to reset/relapse. Obviously that is enough time for me to ponder my actions and try to understand and talk myself out of resetting.

    I'm mentally de-fragmenting my mind now. I'm letting it rest from any responsibilities or constraints. I'll be going in for the second part of my hair procedure in 9 days, so I'm going to chill until then. I was pretty bald down the center of my head prior to my first session. After my first session, there was significant improvement to the appearance, yet there are still places that can be filled in (namely the temples and crown). The first coat covered most of the front of the scalp, vertex, and crown, but a second layer needs to be applied to fully blend in the lightened and faded areas. I'll have my final appearance by the end of June.

    Man, I still can't believe after five years I did all this. The journey is almost over... just a few more days... just a little bit longer. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm still in the tunnel.
    Mekkeren likes this.
  4. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    For me, it is the same as I used Nofap aswell. But it felt way too big and a lot of entries got ignored for that reason. Here it feels more like a community. Tho I don't really feel part of it fully. But I'm just new, so what are you going to do. It used to be even more active in the past I think. But a lot of older users moved on. Which I ultimately also want to do if I get rid of this shit.

    Those are some hard ass Porn blocking protection you got there. Definitely not worth resetting for. But we still have to be careful not to trust on it too much even tho it looks as if you can never access it now.

    Hopefully, your new appearance will be as you hoped or even better. It will go great with a new you free from addiction. Have a good one man!
    Chosen Undead likes this.
  5. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    May 30, 2019 - Day 1

    I've been having a hard time picking myself up since my last reset. Even though I went clean for a week following that long streak, my mood had been horrible. I've been feeling really low for no identifiable reason. I ended up giving in two days ago and resetting. Since then, I've modified by program to make that pathway impossible. How stupid of me to keep relying on these anti-porn blockers when this is a journey of willpower. I must not really want to succeed then, as my drive and motivations are low after quitting my job and waiting anxiously for medical school to begin. I also need the second hair session procedure which will be done on June 6th to give me the completed look. The first session went successfully, and I was able to cover and shade a lot of hair-loss areas, but there is still evidence of thinning at the crown and temple areas. One more session will do to cover all that (I hope).

    One thing I am proud of was being honest with my accountability partner and the people on here. I was debating whether to share my recent reset with my fellow rebooters, but I realized that I cannot lie anymore to my friends or people close to me. I had to come out and say that I did in fact reset. I'm going to try again and keep posting. I just don't really have the motivation for this and I don't know why. I obviously know all the negatives, but for some reason, I just can't find the positives? There's a reason for this reboot, and it goes beyond just getting girls or super-powers. I just don't know what.

    I'll start typing my journals in a new format from now on; here goes.

    Today I had no urges to look at pornography or masturbate. My mother was home all day, so I had no inclination to do so regardless. Tomorrow I will be home alone, so it will be a challenge to avoid temptations.

    What I did do yesterday though was to figure out an unknown feature in a program called FocusMe. FocusMe uses a different way of filtering where it monitors "codes" and "strings" that are typed into the computer and blocks them accordingly. For example, if I were to type in "ass" and this term popped up in the URL box, then the browser would be closed automatically. It uses RegEx monitoring, so when a certain code or string is encountered, it is automatically blocked. It is rated as the most powerful focus-productivity app ever made, and there was this hidden feature where someone manually typed in every possible code and string someone would use when in search for adult content. Because of this, it severely limits access to pornography use. I've employed this program in addition to the current programs and filters I have on here.

    Despite these filters, I need to get back into the habit of relying on my willpower to prevent resets/relapses. Like my fellow readers have said: "if there is a will for an addict, they will find a way." Tomorrow I'll keep reaffirming myself not to reset and realize that I need to stay clean if I am to start medical school with a sharp mind. I also need to reaffirm myself that the next scalp micropigmentation procedure will be successful. Fading after the first session is completely normal and is used as a template where the second session is adapted to create the final look. I just need to hang on to this bald appearance for a little while longer.
  6. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Sad to hear that man. It is good you posted this. I know how shitty it feels to have to write this especially in the mood you are in. This addiction really is something serious. It really sometimes feel like we want ourselves to fail. Because it is so much easier and we know how it feels. We can be ''comfortable'' with that feeling (comfort zone).
    Slip-ups can happen all we can do is start again and learn from our mistakes and examine our thought patterns and moods. Importantly we should not binge once we did it.
    Not sure what is on the other side either that is hard to see with. But it is worth to try if I can believe all those other people who got rid of this addiction. It will always be better than keep masturbating to porn.

    I myself use Blocksite as an extension on google chrome. And mostly manually edited the sites it should block and made it so there is almost no way for me to unblock it again.
    Chosen Undead likes this.
  7. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    @Chosen Undead

    I feel a duty to ask you a question,

    Are you talking to real life girls you find sexually attractive?

    Ok, I think this is something HIGHLY ESSENTIAL for a successful porn quit as well as a happy life.

    This is intended for yourself directly, as well as other members.

    When I began quitting porn, and even before I kicked it completely in previous attempts, there was ALWAYS a trade off I made with myself which felt natural and logical:

    I will quit porn and wanking, however in exchange, I will use that sexual build up to find a real woman and have a relationship.

    That second part of the sentence is crucial. "I will use the sexual energy for real women and real sex." I was not suppressing my sexual energy or desire, I was fully allowing it to be there. And in our day and age where most men have been socially and sexually castrated for various reasons, having a sexually awoke man is kind of rare and special.....and also a bit sad how few of us are.

    When I used to do PUA coaching, the first thing I would tell a client would be, 3 days prior towards meeting up with me to talk to women, he would HAVE to abstain from all masturbation and pornography for 3 days, otherwise his results would be compromised. The clients that refused to do this, or questioned it too much, I wouldn't even coach because I KNEW there was zero hope for those men. Think of it, a socially awkward introverted young man with little confidence, how in the world was he going to magically muster up any courage alone to talk to super beautiful women, when he has been conditioned his entire life that sex is wrong or bad and woman are superior to men? Impossible. Impossible. He needs to have his sexual energy at bay and available.

    When I went successful initial streaks, my earliest motivation was NOT to just give up porn. Rather the focus was on getting real sex with real women I liked. That is a different focus and different means to funnel massive powerful energy a man has.

    Why do you think I chose the username Johhny Bravo? Watch the cartoon, you will see this guy is a women obsessed young man who tries his best to get a girlfriend. That is who I wanted to be; the guy who at least tried with women instead of just sitting in my room for years on end, and then justifying that one day I would magically just quit porn. Fuck that. I am a human and here to have a great life experience, and I want girls, and I deserve sex as do other men, and I will find a way.

    To simply give yourself, or myself, the command of, "Ok just quit porn cause its bad for your brain." Aint enough gun powder to do, even with evidence and research done by Gary on the Ted Talk or his book or other testimonials.

    Also, I did not have religious attachments or beliefs to assist with a moral reason to quit porn. Therefore, the logic to quit was not moral.

    My logic in quitting porn was a personal morality, but ALSO a pragmatic means.

    Quit porn, get real women. A fair exchange.

    When you quit porn, even after just a couple days, real life women become sexually magnetic and ultra sexier. Your brain switches over onto a new stimulus- the natural stimulus- and suddenly your behaviour changes. Suddenly, one day, the desire or imagination to sneak at porn STOP COMPLETELY......but after talking enough with real women.

    However, if there is no switch over successful for your brain, sadly, you will just find new and creative means to get porn back on your side. That is my experience at least, maybe it is different for other people and I am sure it is.

    If you are not talking with real women, quitting porn, for me, was IMPOSSIBLE. I can imagine it is only short term if one does a successful streak. For long term changes, the brain needs a new stimulus of sexual activity.

    If the agenda is to squander all sexual desire period, then study the religious Monks or live with them for a while. I cant do it. Its not me, because my goal was to never stop sexual desire but just re-channel it to real women, which is normal, healthy and natural.

    Porn and masturbation is NOT THE SAME category as cutting off all sexual desire.

    So to cut off all sexual desire (seemingly) without some type of stimulus, I have found, very tricky long term. Short term, fine. But long term, I cannot.

    You will be glad to hear once I stopped porn- even for short periods- my results with real women were tremendous.

    Fun fact of the day: the earliest PUA movement in the early 2000s, back when it was actually a community and not a marketing field, many of them advocated to stop porn and masturbation for the intent to talk with real girls. They were aware of the way the male psyche responds with internet porn even before nofap became a movement. There is some serious wisdom in that.

    If little John was to just wank 3x a day to porn, or KNOW IT WAS AVAIALBLE, then he wouldn't bother talking up and making extra efforts and intent to talk to the hotties.

    Well that's me for now. That's what I sensed reading your post this morning. If I have overlooked this and you are talking with real life women, my apologies, soldier on.

    Its just what I notice in many videos and scripts that talk about quitting porn- where is the reference to real life women? It is almost alien and non-existent, a big flaw in the quit porn movement.


    The silly joke that a penis is like a sword? Actually true. A sword is your ability to enforce changes in your life. Instead of making fun of that joke, study the realness and wisdom overlooked. You are a man, you have significance as do other people and women, USE YOUR POWER.

    ***side note. Please do not think this is me 'telling you off' or other men off, I just read it and it came across that way a bit. No, I am just about helping men out, and find it a sin they are deprived of respect and the touch of a woman. I am here to help you. Ignore what doesn't work, take what does. You can do this!!
    Last edited: May 31, 2019
  8. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    May 31, 2019 - Day 2

    @Johhny Bravo - You are absolutely right about redirecting my energy elsewhere. Here's the problem with my so-called "gap" year between college and medical school. In college, I went on a 175+ day streak, accompanied by 65 day streaks, 45 day streaks, and so on. Why was it so easy? Because there were so many women around me and people to simply hang out with. I was surrounded by people (as long as I put the effort to get out of my room). Staying away from PMO and MO was easy, considering I was actually and unknowingly channeling my energy into meeting new people. During this time, I went on my first date and asked a girl for her number for the first time. Though there was no success with either, these were during the highlight of my streaks.

    No fast forward to what I'm doing now. Ever since I graduated college, I've been either at home or work. My days were spent either staying at home, or going to work and coming home. During this entire year, I had little to no contact with people of my age group or interests. I don't have many friends when I return home from college, so it would make sense that I'm having a hard time re-channeling my sexual energy. I also have been hesitant this year to pursue dating once my bald appearance has been fixed. On May 15th, I had my first procedure done and it was successful, but the second session on June 6th will complete the look. My confidence is half restored, but I still haven't made any attempts to enter the dating world or meet up with anyone. Now I understand why I have been prone to resetting/relapsing this year. It's simply because I've been at home alone with no form of socialization. The only things I ever did this year apart from working full time was study, weight-lift/run, and play guitar on occasion.

    Now I understand what you mean by channeling our sexual energy and not simply suppressing it. I've been suppressing my sexual energy and trying to eliminate it, but that isn't really the right way. I should be putting it toward actual encounters, socialization, and with real women. Unfortunately, I'll have to wait until medical school starts at the end of July before I can meet anyone new and be with my peers. It really makes sense as to why I wasn't able to kick this habit now but do so effortlessly in college. I simply need to reroute my current form of stimulation and no work to suppress the sexual energy but move it toward the real thing (which I have been reluctant to do).

    There are no excuses now. My appearance is almost complete, and my confidence is much better than it was before pre-procedure. School is starting in two more months, so I guess I should use this time to maybe pick up so dating tips/techniques? I'm glad you are a member/former member of the PUA community, and an actual member with wisdom as opposed to the other PUA people I have met. Now it makes sense.

    @Mekkeren - That's great that you use the chrome extension blocker. I have two software programs working back to back so that if one fails, the other picks up what it lacks. The system is pretty complicated now, so I should be really careful on tampering with it any further. Things that are blocked are Task Manager, System Configuration, foreign web searches, additional social media platforms (i.e twitter/imgur), unidentified browsers, and last but not least, any "mature" word search. I'm kind of amazed that I haven't found this function before. It stops me cold and takes it one step further than my current anti-porn software.

    Today I was home alone all day, and though I had some urges, I did not seek out or view any material that would jeopardize my reboot. I had some temptations to figure out a way to watch pornography again, but I realized that I wouldn't be able to now that I had the "string" search software setting enabled.

    Tomorrow I'll be spending the entire day with my dad and going out to the movies with friends, so I won't really have much time to spend by myself. All in all, it was a very calm and chill day with no real responsibilities. I'm glad that my fellow YBR readers have replied to my posts, especially with some sound advice about channeling my energy and not repressing it. I've been trying to silence my libido and put it on hold to sort out other issues like hair loss and starting medical school. I realized that both these things have caused me to socially isolate myself and thus, make me reset/relapse.

    It's also interesting because yesterday I had the revelation that I've been living my life the wrong way. I don't know why, but I've been spending too much time alone and by myself for all these years. I've scoffed off a lot of people just for academic success and simply to be left alone. Though I don't feel lonely, it probably explains why I don't do much day by day and why I worry so much about other people. Last night, I promised myself that I will worry about myself instead of others and complete my narrative. I've got a "lot of stuff swimming up there" and it's time I stop worrying about things that don't matter. Really, why am I upset about the accomplishments of others? Why can't I appreciate myself instead for what I've had and what I've done? I get to go to medical school, I've done things I'm proud of, and I've experienced a lot of life, despite thinking otherwise. I'm still young, despite being an old soul. I've got a long way to go before I see anything really happen.

    The first session of my scalp micropigmentation procedure looks remarkable. The ink has finally settled into my scalp and it really filled in those places where I didn't have any hair. It now looks like a cleanly shaved head, though there are some lightened areas that didn't fade as well. All I need is one more session to fill in these areas and complete the look, especially at the temples and crown. I also realized that in order for the look to work and no appear bald, I have to buzz my hair more frequently. The treatment practically pays for itself at this point. I mean, I won't waste 300$ a year on shampoo and hair products, I won't waste maybe another 200$ a year on haircuts. After four years, I would of saved enough money anyway to break even for touch-up sessions. I'm glad the ink finally settled. One more coat and I'll be confident again. I really like the shaved head look, it's just so convenient, and I pull it off well with my dark skin and beard. I guess I'll have to wait another 6 more days till the second session. I'm fully confident in this procedure now as helping me get my look and style back that's appropriate for my age. I was looking in the mirror today, and I smiled because I actually enjoy the way I look. The procedure has covered a good portion of the baldness right down the middle that no one had noticed. Just a little bit longer I guess till I can get the finished look.
  9. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    You dont have to wait 2 months until July. You can if you want, but let it be a choice rather than asserting thats how it has to be.

    Meetup.com is a group meet thing I havent done for a while but found it ok.

    Otherwise there are hundreds of other means to socialise apart from medical school and familiar territory.

    You will have to face the fact one day you will graduate as a doctor or surgeon, and then from there, school will be out of the picture forever. You will have to find means to meet people and socialise beyond school at some stage in your life.

    Dont be one of those countless 40+ year old men that just rationalises they cannot meet friends or women because of their age. No. They just arent being proactive or expanding a comfort zone enough to meet girls.

    As for PUA, I dont value PUA one bit any more nor would I ever teach it. Kind of because there isnt anything to teach.

    All the tricks and stupid techniques are bullshit. Yes some 'work' but by work i mean attract idiot women whilst comprimising your self respect. Because i value self respect personally, I refuse to teach others how to bend over backwards and be a slave to a womans appeal, which is what PUA is.

    PUA is all about shape shifting and being a good actor.

    I teach that the toughest chatacter you will ever play is YOURSELF. Most men dont have the balls to try it because its risky and dangerous and against the norm to radically accept yourself.

    However, the PUA mentors that helped me did leave me with ONE idea that i am happy to share. It doesnt just apply for meeting girls but just people in general. It is also a great marketing tactic though the intent is not to market:

    Go first.

    Meaning, YOU be the one to initiate interactions with people and strangers. YOU be the one to take the first step and put yourself on the line. Talk to strangers and see what happens.

    Well done for your insights on learning to honour all the progress you have made and treat yourself with dignity rather than self punishment or blame. You are doing well. Just meet a few people and be slightly more socially proactive and you are set up for the deal of having a great human life experience.

    Dont worry about your lack of hair. Sure get your hair how you like, but dont let that be an excuse to not socialise.

    Looks are fairly non important. If your hygiene is good and you have a shower and have clean clothes, thats good enough. Noone cares about looks beyond this point compared with healthy and solid attitude.

    Keep it up and buy yourself a beer at some stage as a reward.
    Chosen Undead likes this.
  10. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    I'm interested learning more about the mentality you have learned while a PUA member. It seems interesting, as I've never really understood PUA past the conventional dating scene. Seems very interesting to read up on.
  11. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    If PUA is something that really gets you curious, then you have no choice but to explore it. Go join a group (in person) or take a company programme or weekend seminar and see how they think.

    The thing is this, which you wont learn straight away and which is pulling the rug out from underneath their sales spin:

    What they SAY will never match up with what they DO. So if they say "oh have this mentality when meeting girls blah blah"- and then observe their behaviour, you will find countless inconsistencies. This is why I am against pickup; it lacks any set of values you can live by properly, unless you value inauthenticity, dishonesty, manipulation and selling yourself.

    Pickup is more or less desperate sales training- but you are selling and advertising yourself so to speak, and thus, have to put on a 'behaviour' to 'sell' to your audience and see if they are keen on buying it. It is a highly rushed and non-natural means of creating relationships that aren't solid or built on trust.

    I do not have any mentality of PUA I live by nor endorse.

    All I can credit for those experiences is this: it will get you meeting tons of people very quickly, and you can have fun with the right crowd of people if you meet them. So the bottom line, and the only thing you can be taught from pickup in socialising is this- go first and be proactive and keep going. That is it. You don't need to take any PUA stuff to understand or learn that and you can bypass all the PUA nonsense that is taught these days.

    But, I endorse direct experience above anything else. If you want to study it, go and do so! Just be aware initially that is has a highly cult-like style of thinking and following, so don't feel you have to live by anything they say and don't mistake with what they say as "the truth" of anything. It is just their theories and interpretations, don't mistake that for what is real in the world VS what is all their soap box theories.

    PUA discourages out-of-the-box thinking and discourages being an individual. They want you to do EVERYTHING by their codebook and rules so to speak, which is bullshit and which detracts from the real agenda- to meet people and girls.

    All PUA can get you to do, is if you are super shy, get you a wingman, watch the wingman talk to a girl, and then you go in your mind, "Oh! He can do that? So can I that is easy" and then talk to girls. That is literally it. There is nothing more substantial to it.

    PUA is a marketing industry, not a movement or culture anymore like it was in the early 2000s. And even back then, it lacks values to live by except one, which was, take responsibility for your sex life. Cool, but they then do nothing except lie to women and cheat them in many ways, so I cannot justify getting laid by giving false promises to women.

    Also if you read the book The Game, even the author Neil eventually met his future wife, and she didn't fall for any of the PUA bullshit. She saw right through it and liked him for him. And this is the big 'crux' of PUA. If you want a meaningful lasting connection, PUA sadly will not help you tremendously. It will give you a sense of confidence possibly, but once you get the confidence you can drop all those techniques and little mental tricks and realise you are good enough as you are.

    Anyhow do what feels inspiring. That was my experience and it was quite dark at times because I saw through it early but refused to acknowledge it. Maybe you will have a great time doing it and learn a ton. Let us know how you go.
  12. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Just be aware I have a bias against Pickup.

    But I have a bias towards direct experience, so get curious, jump in, have fun :)
    Chosen Undead likes this.
  13. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Although I don't have experience with meditating whilst using a stethoscope, you might find that it will relax you and allow you to become more of a meditative thinker in life. When it comes to meditation, your thoughts need to be controlled and less distracted, which allows you to become "mindful" which is the state of being that many people want to become in life. Relaxation regarding sound is similar to ASMR which is known for allowing you to stay calm, so perhaps you could try working on meditation with the stethoscope at first but then without to compare and contrast effects.
    Chosen Undead likes this.
  14. Universal

    Universal Member Staff Member


    I'm going to have a proper read of your journal later, but quickly on the point of PUA..

    Now, I'm not a PUA. But, consumption of 'red-pill' content has definitely improved my life relating to and unrelated to my interactions with Women. The essential idea is to take the blinders off (everything we've been taught) to see 'the truth'. There are many different realms to PUA/Redpill/manosphere - each with there own flavour.. Typically PUA is mostly just about getting laid, typically Redpill content creators are about changing belief systems. Not to be a white knight but a good number of the guys in these realms are just straight up resentful and nasty to Women so be careful of that.

    Ultimately sooner or later you realize it's all about swallowing hard truths and trying to improve your life to the point where Women naturally want to be with you.

    Here's a good, rational podcast on this subject:

  15. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    June 3, 2019 - Day 5

    Duly noted @Mal-Teesers. I will try contrasting the two during my next meditation session, which I have been slacking on. I'll try meditating tonight when I wake up from bed so that my mind will be fresh. Hopefully this can help me calm myself so that I can return to sleeping again.

    Thank you for the red-pill post @Tyr, I will take a look at it soon. I'm not really a big fan of the red-pill stuff, mainly because from my experience it has been strange and weird (often misogynistic/incel) things, but I could just be looking at the wrong information being presented as a "false red-pill". I'll be sure to watch the video tomorrow morning.

    Going back to today, I had no real urges or temptations. There was a moment when I could of reset/relapsed, but I chose not to. Instead, I restarted the computer filter and it worked, as it must have been a computer glitch or something. I was quite proud of myself for not giving into temptation, and it was refreshing to know that I exercised some willpower to not give into a breach. Only two more days till I can make it to one week of being clean, and I haven't edged intentionally either. Tomorrow my father will be home all day, so it will be an easy day. I also have three more days till I get my final hair procedure done. It's an exciting feeling, as I can finally set hair-loss behind me after this session. The second session is really when the look kicks in as the gaps are filled and a second more dense coat is placed on top of the first one, giving a really good 3D look of a closely shaved head. If I'm feeling confident enough, I will post a picture for all of you too see. I feel like a lot of you guys have no idea what I'm talking about, but that's okay.

    It's important now to realize that my life is starting to get better. For a brief moment, sometime this week, I panicked about my life. There were moments where I felt horrible and desperate, with a strange feeling of never finding "love" or being a "loner" for the rest of my life. I simply reaffirmed myself, took a step back and looked at my life, and realized that I have a long journey ahead of me. I also realized that suffering is important to all of us as it builds character and makes us a better person. I also realized that there are more things than having a girlfriend, as having a girlfriend would not really change anything about myself as a person. I keep thinking back to this girl that I almost dated, but the thing was she was only interested in having "a" boyfriend. After all this time, it's sort of interesting to see how nothing's really changed in her, nor has she really done anything for herself. That constant need to be in a relationship and not bothering on working on your own character or attaining your own goals is sort of funny after all these years. I used to be envious of this and a little hurt, but now I laugh realizing how pointless it was.

    For a brief moment, I thought I needed a relationship to be happy. That's not true at all. What we do with our lives and how we shape our narrative is what is more important to us. Love comes along the way, but it's not a necessary ingredient or a requirement for self-fulfillment. By reminding myself this, I felt better after a period of depression that stretched some time for the past couple of days. I also kept a small quote to heart that I remembered from long ago:

    Paarthurnax — 'What is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?'

    I keep thinking about this quote and really honing in on it's true meaning. I'll let this quote process more and ferment in my head, but it really reveals something about our lives. Would of perfect life really be something worth living, or would a life with challenges, obstacles, and difficulties, be more worthwhile. What makes a fulfilled life? What doesn't make one?
  16. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival


    Nice post, and the reason I like your post is because you actually have your own opinion- it's not the standard recycled comments I keep reading over and over about redpill or PUA. Good stuff.

    Yes, the thing with both of those movements is that they are now ultra broad thought systems- PUA back in the early 2000s was just, well, PUA. Redpill 7 years ago was pure Redpill. But now both of those movements have a number of different leadership, authority, personalities and as such, I have found one must be ultra specific when addressing what exactly they refer to. My mistake because I could have done that with my views on PUA and I didn't go as specific as I could have.

    Generally speaking, I am not a fan of either movements. Despite my distaste for them, both share good points.

    I personally got counselling by none other than Paul Elam himself a few years back (alleged creator of the redpill movement by other people). He has a heart of gold, and met me with warmth, compassion as well as strength and a great no BS attitude. I felt empowered to receive his help, and he is as genuine as he is on his videos and writings. He is probably the first man I have ever met that actually LIVES by his own values. I am not joking how rare it is to meet an individual like that, Paul Elam lives up to it like a King serves his Kingdom with justice and integrity. He helped me get past early things in my family/past/women.

    And yes, he did give me some so called "women tips" because I asked him for it. And his advise has helped me more than PUA- have boundaries with women, acknowledge they are human, acknowledge you have value and don't have to kiss their ass (or anyones ass), and don't feel the pressure to buy into PUA teachings. I was cult-like in my PUA theory back a few years ago, and thank goodness life pulled me out of them and Paul helped me see through the illusion of them. I do not advise anyone to do PUA no matter which instructor or company (and I am a hypocrite because I have referred to I think on this forum Johnny Soporno or Sasha Daygame). Paul and I share the view that PUA is a modern day cop-out to our fatherless generation.

    Instead of "this is what you do to get laid" teachings, young men need real role models to instruct them how to live on this Earth with your own set of moral principals. THAT is what we need, and that is what redpill hints at but doesn't address explicitly. Paul Elam will explicitly tell you this is a good thing to adopt.

    Yes, redpill shares aspects of Zen philosophy- see reality for what it is. But it is not Zen because it does have a kind of bias and victim mentality smell in my opinion.

    Sadly though, a lot of redpill I read or watch on YouTube makes me vomit. It certainly is a lot of men who have been hurt by women in the past, who are doing their best to "warn" people about the "horrors of women and this is how they REALLY are." I don't buy that. There certainly are evil women who do wish to hurt men in their relationships. But that is some women, not all of them. Redpill seems to paint a picture against all women being manipulative feminist bitches. Certainly can seem that way in the West, but, its not the truth.

    I don't like the generalisations they make on women or genetic stuff or the psychology of women. My opinion is let it be a deliberate mystery. Don't try and figure women out, and know that, one doesn't even have to in order enjoy them and maintain your self respect in the process.

    Paul Elam told me to treat women like regular guys. Which I do. And it makes me feel easy around them.

    Anyways my 2 cents. I love Paul Elam but I don't like the mainstream redpill stuff like at 21 convention; all of that makes me sick. Rollo Tomassi, oh my god, not a fan whatsoever. His book is nonsense. Any young man that reads it will have a distaste for women should they have the patience to digest such dogma. Not a fan at all of him, and I think he is ultra dark.

    Rollo does highlight that there are evil women that exist. Yes. But you don't need Rollo to tell you that!

    There are good women in the world one can have a loving, honest, great, trusting relationship with. That is a proven fact for my life and the lives of several men I have met that have healthy marriages lasting 15+ years, where they are still in love with each other. And yes, I know those men very personally its not just a judgment or surface appeal gloss to keep up an impression.

    I have also men many men where the women practically kill the mans soul and break his trust for life in ever having a great relationship with the opposite sex. I feel for those men. But I do not listen to them or buy their reality.
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2019
    Chosen Undead likes this.
  17. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    On that beautiful quote, my answer:

    The latter.

    It is superior to have lived in the depths of evil, been a bad person so to speak, tasted darkness, given darkness, and then through that direct experience choose on your own to be a good person.

    To be a naturally good person without living through at least a bit of darkness, is pathetic and fake. Anyone that is nice in this endeavour is not really nice; one cannot appreciate life without first knowing death. One cannot know peace until one studies war.

    My fav quote from the Bagvat Gita:

    "Better to live your destiny with imperfection, rather than live a perfect life that is an imitation of someone elses."
    Chosen Undead likes this.
  18. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    June 4, 2019 - Day 6

    Wow, there was a lot to digest in the previous posts. I have much to learn, though I don't know where to begin. I will keep the topics discussed on my mind as I move forward in the reboot. I also like @Johhny Bravo's answer to my quote and providing me with a new one. It makes sense that in order to appreciate life, you must first know death. That's pretty powerful stuff. I'll keep that in mind as I meditate on my thoughts in the next few days.

    Today I had a good portion of urges, and I did try and test my home laptop at one point. Despite this, I did not edge or reset/relapse. I realized that the days are numbering till I begin medical school, and that I should not try and mess up my brain before school starts. At one point, I just got up from my computer and said to myself, "this is hopeless, and I should do something else instead". After that moment, I went out of the home and did errands/chores that needed to be done. I decided to type my journal entry earlier today, because my parents are coming home soon.

    I sort of feel ashamed that I tried to look for a way to PMO once more. It's disappointing now that I think about it, because I should rely on my willpower rather than my inaccessibility. I'm going to use the remaining free time to life weights and study a bit before I head to temple with my mother. These journal posts are a little different than when I was on NoFap. I'm more honest about my reboot, urges, and temptations. I have to remind myself that I have accountability partners, people who read my journal, and people who want me to succeed. If there's one thing I hate in life, it's to disappoint others.

    On a side note, in less than 48 hours I will be getting my second and (hopefully) final scalp micropigmentation treatment. I'm tired of this bald appearance. I'm tired of looking like this, especially for my age. I need this feeling to end. Only two more days till I can move on with my life. The first session was great, and it really covered up a lot of balding areas, but I need one more to finish the look. Don't get my wrong, after the first session, the entire middle was shaded in well removing a huge chunk of my balding head. This last one should finish up the temples and crown, which are still light and faded. My biggest fear is that I will need a third session, or my second will not be enough. Either way, I will not have the time or the money to come back for another one, as school would have already started. I'm biting my nails still, as the journey of my hair loss is still not over.

    In all fairness, it's definitely an improvement from my first appointment in mid May. When I walked in to that one, it was complete bare on top. Now there's a coat of shade on the scalp which looks really good. From a distance, you can't really tell of any hair loss, unless I let the sides grow. Then it becomes obvious. But now, it's better and more tolerable.

    This journey never ends...it just keeps going...when will it stop...why is this so long...I'm growing tired...
    Mekkeren likes this.
  19. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Well done for your honesty with yourself.

    "I sort of feel ashamed that I tried to look for a way to PMO once more"

    This is what requires attention. Try not to shame yourself or beat yourself up mentally anymore.

    You need the mental pattern to be able to watch porn, even against your will, and refuse to beat yourself up.

    Certainly do your best, but no more being a bully towards yourself.

    That's what I read into it. If I have mis-interpreted, sincere apologies. Keep trying dude :)
    Chosen Undead likes this.
  20. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    I feel you very much. It does sometimes feel really hard and tiresome. But we just have to keep moving forward. This is the path we choose better stick to it.
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