A Journey of Willpower

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Chosen Undead, Apr 26, 2019.

  1. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Well done for your efforts. Amazing.

    You ought to congratulate yourself for this exercise of willpower.

    Keep studying yourself and observing/reflecting about yourself in respect to what occurred today. Do not be cruel or punishing in the slightest bit to yourself, yet study yourself as if you were a scientist spending one month living amongst apes......How do they behave? When this one does this behaviour, why?

    Easy on yourself and continue doing what you are doing. I hope your haircut looks good :)

    * When in the house by yourself, as a suggestion, exit the house for a few hours. Do all of your reflection time outside or outdoors, never in your bedroom nor house.

    Also if interested you can study about addiction VS conditioning. Conditioning is what porn is (despite people say they are addicted). Conditioning is harder to break than an addiction because conditioning is much more psychological opposed to physical (addiction usually classified as physical withdrawals in the bloodstream etc...).

    Study how kids/students went out quitting social media, and observe their successes and their tools. Social media addicts or not 'addicts' they are conditioned (I am using the word 'conditioning' as in the context of psychology terminology).

    This is why you have an association to the TV and arousal. Conditioning. Study it well over the next few years.
     
  2. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    RESET: 22 Days (2x PMO, 1x MO); (1x PMO, 1 MO)

    I knew this day would come unfortunately. It turns out K9 software protection was bought out an even larger company (Norton Anti-Virus), making the software officially defunct. Now this isn't a reason to reset, but because of the software no longer working, I willingly reset by testing it this afternoon. It was an unfortunately mistake, and I regret every moment of it since it happened today. It was my fault, because for the past 2-3 days I was edging little by little, constantly looking for more seductive imagery and edgier memes.

    Today, after realizing that the K9 company has ended, I tested the software and ended up relapsing.

    Fortunately, I've installed Qustodio and FocusMe on this computer. Both programs essentially porn-proof my computer (with added complexity which I will not share in-case other users do not want to know ways to bypass these systems). These programs are up to date and fully functional, and I've given the passwords and credentials for my father to hide (he does not know why he is hiding them). Although I shouldn't rely on these programs for maintaining my reboot, they add an additional layer of difficulty for me so that I won't be tempted to reset.

    • Qustodio will block all pornography access and can only be uninstalled with the proper credentials (which I no longer have).
    • FocusMe is able to prevent apps from being started like: Task Manager and System Configuration. It also blocks those tricky sites that can evade porn-filters. It is set up so that it cannot be uninstalled without the proper credentials (which I no longer have as well).

    To summarize, I reset today because I knew my K9 protection software would end. I knew that before medical school started, I would have to reset my computer and survive without filter software. I was tempted by it no longer working, decided to test it out, and ended up resetting.

    It was unfortunately a bit of a binge, as I ended up PMO'ing 2x and then PMO'ing 1x the next day. I also MO'd twice during that time. I saddled up once more, installed the more up to date software, and porn-proofed this computer, this time with admin rights.

    I made this mistake of not relying on my willpower, but I knew that I would have to reset this computer eventually and get rid of K9. If K9 was still functional and not bought out by a larger corporation, this likely would not have happened. Nevertheless, I've moved on to better software and an updated tool-belt. My reasons for resetting were namely browsing mindlessly on google images and being home alone all day.
     
    Last edited: May 21, 2019
  3. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 1

    Well, it sucks to start over again, but I have no choice. I have more motivation to quit now considering I have support and readers of my journal. I have a tinge of guilt, and I never want to betray anyone's' trust on here. I made it to my first day, though I did have significant thoughts about testing my anti-porn software.

    What I have realized is that I can try to reinstall focusme, but it would not make a difference considering task manager would still be blocked. Safety mode doesn't work on this laptop because the keyboard and mouse become useless (believe me, that's scary). I'm not able to uninstall qustodio, because there isn't enough time to uninstall the program before it kicks in. I am not even able to browse pornography because the filter would kick in within 2 minutes or so.

    I know I shouldn't be relying on filters, but I just want to be safe. I am tired of resetting and relapsing because of easily giving in to bypassing software. The last relapse was when I found out I can have a "temporary password" sent to my email. The company is defunct anyway, so this filter didn't work on other browsers.

    I am going to focus a lot of my energy on keeping in touch with people on here, posting daily, and dealing with urges. Here is something I've learned from my last relapse: I should not browse online memes, as I will soon find myself looking for seductive content through google images.
     
    Last edited: May 21, 2019
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  4. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Good luck and let me know how you go!

    You are strong already. Enjoy your day and your tasks.
     
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  5. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Yeah starting over always sucks. But it is good to see you are trying. It's better than not doing anything to deal with it.

    That's my plan as well, posting daily. It doesn't matter how you feel just keep observing yourself and writing that down. Maybe some surprising thoughts and feelings come up with which you never dealt before. Like this weekend I was thinking a lot about my own mortality and the pointlessness of everything that results from that. Not very pleasant thoughts. But it made me realize that I want to experience life more and connect with others. That means not being afraid to show that you are vulnerable. We are all vulnerable anyways. Just look at this forum for proof :)

    Staying in touch with people would help a lot I think on your journey as well as reading journals of older members how made significant changes in there lives.
     
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  6. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 2

    I am quite sure that I can't access P on my computer. I'm quite sure of it. I will not test it or try to see if I can though. I threw out the email address and password, so this computer change is permanent. Task manager is blocked, and I can't even get into safety mode.

    I had some temptations today while home alone, but I didn't follow through with them. Although there was no one home today and nothing to do, I kept myself busy by playing this video-game I had saved on my computer. It helped me pass the time, though I feel guilty because I should have been studying. There was some garden work here and there, and I took my first shower since my hair procedure. Needless to say, I still have one more session on June 6th to get the completed look. There is still a balding appearance around the crown, though you really couldn't tell unless I was under bright light or you were taller than me. This hair loss thing really needs to come to a close. I'd like a completed look as soon as possible to feel normal again.

    Anyway, medical school starts in about 70 or so days, so I'm just going to be cruising until the start. In the meantime, I can really work on kicking this bad habit once and for all.
     
  7. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 3

    My phone broke today unfortunately, so I'll have to buy a new one. I should be cautious, because I'll have to reinstall the blocking software again on my new phone without giving in. Tomorrow I'll go to the store and look at phones, then maybe I can come with my dad and set it up in front of him. That way, I won't be inclined to reset/relapse. Today I didn't really have any urges or temptations. Though I did feel general arousal, I didn't really pursue anything. I'm going to keep my promise and not browse google images without reason. It's really a snowball effect: start looking at memes, see an edgy meme, follow through the with the edgy meme, end up edging and seeking out pornography. It snowballs to a reset.

    I need to remind myself that this is a journey of willpower and not a journey of forced abstinence. It doesn't matter how long I stay clean or how long I can resist temptation; it's how well I can handle urges and discipline myself. Tomorrow will be another day where I'll be home alone. I'll use the time to play on the computer and finish up yard work. I'm about to finish setting up the front lawn (it's looking great by the way). My phone unfortunately broke, so I'll have to reach out to my accountability partners through the forums.

    On a side note, in two more weeks I'll be going to get the second scalp micropigmentation procedure done. This will hopefully be the last step before my completed look where the crown is no longer bald. There's a slight emptiness at the crown, but this will soon get covered after the second coat. I just can't wait. It's the crown that I'm most worried about, as my frontal hairline and middle vertex are well covered. I can't wait for the next appointment on June 6th. I've been thinking about my hair less and less once I got this done. I no longer am checking the mirror as often, feeling self-conscious about my bald spot. I'm taking my hat off in public places and sometimes forgetting to wear them when I'm outside. It's a real blessing no longer having to be self-conscious about my head. Combined with nofap, I should have my full confidence again once school starts. I'm really looking forward to meeting new people while in school.
     
    Last edited: May 22, 2019
  8. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 4

    I'm pretty upset because my treatment has faded quite a bit at the temples and crown. It upsets me, because it looks like the sides are receding again, and the bald appearance is back. I'll have to tough it out for two more weeks until I return for my second scalp-micropigmentation session. As stated by another person who received this procedure, it is normal for fading to occur 2-3 weeks after the first session. The same applies for regular tattoos, as it is a normal part of the healing process. My concern is that I don't want to spend the money for a third session mainly due to travel expenses and touch-up costs.

    I'm pissed because despite waiting a year to get this procedure, and finally going through with it, I'll still have to wait longer until it's finally complete. Now I have to wait another 14 days before I can get the desired look. I've waited so long, yet I have to continue to wait even longer. I guess good things come to those whom wait.

    On a side note, I did have some urges today to reset. I mulled over for a few brief minutes about whether I could get past my computer software, but I threw the idea away. I played less on the computer today and did more yard-work. I finished up the front yard and started prepping the backyard. Tomorrow, start another row of bricks in the front yard between the neighbor's yard and mine, and I'll cut up all the grass and lay the under-fence borders in all the other areas.

    I'll have to buy a new phone tomorrow as well and install all necessary protection on it. I'll do it early in the morning so I won't have to worry about potentially resetting. Hell, I'll do it in the goddamn parking-lot to prevent a reset. I'm not risking another fall, especially when it's this close to starting medical school.
     
  9. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    That sucks man. I understand that you want your desired look immediately. Especially after waiting so long. But your right Patience is key. That is a lesson we have to learn when it comes to beating this addiction as well. And good that you are keeping your mind of urges by doing things. I should really do that as well.

    Yeah have to keep reminding yourself that this is all for the better. In your case being ready for medical school
     
  10. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Hmmm....

    Is it possible to stay off the internet entirely until you feel you have beaten this addiction?

    I wonder...

    Of course posting on this forum might be required but I mean ban everything else just until you feel you have reset all the conditioning...hmmm....

    @Chosen Undead
    I dont mean specifically yourself. Its an idea in general. For some reason it came an idea when you mentioned yard work etc....
     
  11. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    You know that sounds like a great idea. No internet use aside from going on this website. The thing is, I rarely use the computer at all. The only times I'm on the internet is to check messenger, emails, and type my journal entries. I see where you are headed with this though.
     
  12. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    May 24, 2019

    I'm traveling tomorrow and spending the entire day with family. Hopefully I can relax my eyes for the day and eat some good food. For the rest of the night, I'm going to turn my computer off and enjoy the silence that surrounds me. I've spent way to much time on this computer.
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2019
  13. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    I have found spending off the screen in general is one of the biggest short cuts to quitting porn.

    Especially social media. If you feel up to it, give it a ban for one month and notice how different and clear thinking you feel after being off it.

    40 year old men have quit social media and reported after being off it even just for 3 days that they feel their sense of self enhances in a positive life, and they like who they are more and are more creative.

    Without scaring anyone, I believe there is a big evil agenda to corrupt the minds of young people through the screen. Nothing to be worried about, and I don't need to convince anyone, just try a simple 3 day test.

    Visit no social media for just 3 days (and on day 4 you go back on). If you feel better, remain so. If not and you want to go back on, go back on.

    Food for thought.

    Once the brain realises it can get its 'hit' through other sources apart from online, then it usually loosens its grip and you can find yourself effortlessly quitting porn and not even making it a big 'issue' to keep track of.

    This is the same with any addiction: simply reveal to your brain through other sources that you can obtain similar means to feel good, and you will find a natural lack of desire around the addiction. Soon you wont call it an addiction anymore, it will just be something you used to do and just cant/wont anymore.

    Anyways that is what I found. I was like, "Gee, I used to watch that stuff a ton?"

    The real world is way more interesting and fun. A majority of men who have porn addictions generally don't have a lot going on in their lives and have a boring lifestyle. Boring as in, boring to THEM, not by social comparison. Simply spice your life around, really smash a comfort zone somewhere, and watch how this craving for porn just rots away and you will wonder how you had the addiction in the first place.

    Back to my conspiracy theory,

    I don't think its our fault/mens fault they are hooked to porn. How can they be? We have smartphones and computers. At just one click away you can look at a hot naked woman. Who WOULDNT do that? It really makes no sense to force yourself to abstain from such a behaviour.

    And this is the SAME THING with social media. One click and you can get a hit of good feeling or stimulation. What is the harm?

    But simply try not looking at it or being on the media for a while, and engage in the real world instead. Your brain will rewire faster opposed to just changing nothing in your life and just using pure brute force to try and not wank. It doesn't work long term that way. Too much to ask.

    This is why there is a classic phenomenon of changing ones environment in the means to help restore a change in the brain. Move bedrooms or the furniture around, and mentally 'reset' yourself.

    There is some merit to this if you want to do it. But the foundation is to just make your real life more fun and engaging. Without doing this, we just go back to counting the days down.....30......29.....28...oh relapse, 30....29.....28......ah 22...….

    We are ALIVE now! We are not in prison. But porn and social media are making us feel more and more imprisoned.

    Engage your life with whatever is available, however it is, and give a boost to your well being. Rant over. Good luck mate and don't feel any pressure to follow or listen to this rambling; I just write to get these ideas off my chest in the hopes it will plant a seed one day for someone.
     
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  14. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Congratulations on getting this far - many people in the world don't have the will-power to go from having PMO constantly in their lives to going without it for almost a month, so kudos to you. I do find that it is far more difficult to not go through no PMO when we just look at memes and are just relaxing at home - sometimes it can cause you to lose out on your will-power. You've already come so far from college and going into medical school (seriously, that's an amazing achievement and you should be proud of yourself) will certainly help you get to the place you want in life.

    I'm not sure if you have already tried meditation, but I feel like meditating for a quarter of an hour to around twenty minutes does help sometimes when I'm managing my stress - and by also following the principle of 'if it doesn't matter in five years, don't think about it for five minutes', I find it far easier to deal with stress-management and with your concern with medical school regarding this I feel that this could help. Good luck with everything, my friend.
     
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  15. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member


    Unfortunately....or maybe fortunately for me...I am one step ahead of you. I haven't had social media for the past 3-4 years. I've been telling everyone I don't have a facebook, twitter, snapchat, and [whatever else] for some time now. Even though I feel awkward during these discussions, I walk away knowing I'm not a sheep and a slave to my online persona. This is probably the only form of "social media" I use, (and Youtube if you consider it).
     
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  16. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    I've been considering adding meditation to me daily regimen. I have meditated in the past, but I've quickly given up this habit shortly after resets/relapses. One thing I've been recently trying to do is meditate while listening to my heartbeat. I have a stethoscope that I place on my heart and listen to as I meditate. I focus on the beats and it's sound. What do you think of this?
     
  17. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    If it feels natural, easy and correct for you, its righteous and good.

    Meditation as it is referred to has been heavily hijacked by the spiritual community. Advertised as some idea to have a ponder over opposed to actually DOING quality meditation.

    There is no single correct means to meditate. I don't even use the word meditation anymore due to the implied "spiritual woowoo otherness" it engages with. Fuck that.

    Meditation is accessible even to a 3 year old child who hasnt read a single book or modelled anyone doing so called meditation.

    A slow walk or sitting in a room quietly with a candle (just for cool atmosphere no meaning attached to a candle) is sufficiently meditation.

    Sure if you want to follow the breath or do some chi woowoo shit then that is everyone's right if they feel inspired to do it.

    To me alot of the spiritual stuff is fucking wank.

    Sitting and listening to your heartbeat with a stethoscope, a brilliant idea and great means to relax. Yes. I think its excellent.

    Instead of the word meditation i use the word "reflection." Its the same thing. It really is.

    Dont assume meditation is some secret special thing only certain folk have the right to access. This is why i hate many online spiritual forums and communities; they all justify that there is some special shit to do to meditate.

    No. Just sit down relax and enjoy. No stimulation or phone or whatever. No emails. No heavy music or books or engaging activities.

    Let your brain and body do and feel and think whatever they want do not interfere witho the process. Let it be and if you find running or dancing or moving an easier method to do then do it.

    No need to yoga sit under a tree. Can if you feel it but many people might be better off running or walking or doing something semi physical without too much mental effort. Rocking back and forth or swinging. Whatever produces RYTHM. Hope this helps. Sorry for the big acuusation rant against spiritual stuff if anyone enjoys it. Thats just me. Do what is best and easiest for yourself. we all have the right to meditate it is our birthright and duty to living a fruitful day.
     
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  18. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    May 27, 2018

    Things are starting to calm down now. It's beginning to settle in that my past college life is over. I had to close the books on a lot of people, and I can't help feeling that those case-studies were incomplete. In the end, I have no choice, as they have all left the show at this point. I really want to believe I can keep following these people, learning about their lives, and in turn, learning about myself. I really want to stay in contact with them, even if it's through rumors. But, that's all over too. I don't have social media, nor do I want it, so there's no point in perusing.

    In the end, after 5 years, I get to go to medical school. I got my hair and look back. And everyone else? Well, it's nothing to be sleepless about. Even my pornography and video-game addiction are no where near what they once were. There was a time when it was twice per day. Now it's twice per month at most. I'm not perfect, but I'll try.

    So, I guess the cycle begins again? I go to medical school, meet new people, have new adventures, and go through the same trials and tribulations?

    Hey now, hey now, don't dream it's over...
    Hey now, hey now, where the world comes in...
    They come, they come, to build a wall between us...
    You know they won't win.
    Don't let them win.
    Hey now, hey now.

    I guess it's time for me to ponder other questions. Questions that concern the soul and spirit. Questions that attack the "what does it all mean" feeling.
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2019
  19. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Yes you are progressing so well in the right direction.
     
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  20. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    As much as this sounds great, I sort of feel lost now? Where do I go from here?
     

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