A Journey of Willpower

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Chosen Undead, Apr 26, 2019.

  1. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    I've made the mistake of relying on filters, anti-pornography software, computer blocks, and throwing away electronics in the hopes that I can reboot completely. No matter what I do, no matter how I set everything up, no matter how many blocks or safety precautions I make, I always end up finding another way around them and relapsing.

    Maybe I need to work on relying on my willpower instead of relying on external blockers. I've set up a lot of blockers at this point, but as of now, I'm going to use my own willpower to control both my urges and need to view pornography. It would be nice if I can make some accountability partners that are willing to help me out and keep me up to my promises. I've previously reached higher streaks (170 days, 45 days, 90 days) without any blocker use, but with blockers, the most I've ever reached was 50 days or so (and that was with a lot of edging).

    It's time now for me to actually make an effort to combat my addiction to pornography and masturbation. I'm going to defeat this addiction the way it was intended to be defeated, through willpower and controlling of urges.
     
  2. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 0

    Today I didn't have any urges mainly because I spent the entire day with my parents.
    I did have some urges and flashbacks, but I reassured myself that I should quit with willpower alone.
    I realized that no matter how many filters and blocks I can set up, I will always end up finding a way around them.
    Tomorrow I will be spending the entire day at home alone, so I will be focusing on controlling my urges instead of relying on filters.
    I will not try to "test" my filters, as it only gives me an excuse to relapse.
    Medical school starts in three months, so it's in my best interest to have my brain working neurotically.
    Tomorrow I plan to lift weights, study, and run household errands.
    I'll also have to take a shower to remove these stupid hair fibers.
    I'll be shaving my head on Wednesday.
    I've been working with my internal therapist to discuss my current feelings and realizations.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2019
  3. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 1

    I did have some urges today and moderately considered relapsing.
    I had intermittent flashbacks throughout the day and even entertained some of the scenes I could remember.
    There were times when I wanted to test my filter software but chose not to.
    I am concerned about having to reset my laptop once I start medical school.
    I will not need to reset my laptop in three months fortunately.
    Dealing with urges, resisting the urge to seek compulsively, and reasoning out the consequences of pornography use will help me reboot.
    Considering I will be in medical school and learning a lot, I cannot risk relapsing while studying.
    I can ask my mom to help me with the reboot process by allowing her to control my administrative account.
    Today was a productive day as I ran errands, exercised, and studied a fair amount.
    I started studying anatomy and will soon supplement biochemistry once my work ends.
    I plan on shaving my head sometime later during the week.
    Tomorrow I will not need to wake up early, because I have half a day at work.
    I need to look for housing to live in while I attend my first year of medical school.
    Not only will I need to go to work but I want to review some anatomy and biochemistry.
    I'll lift weights tomorrow as well.
    It'll be advantageous to live with a parent while in medical school.
     
  4. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 2

    Today I did not have many urges or temptations.
    I reassured myself not to test the filters or seek out and view pornography.
    I reassured myself that in order to successfully reboot, I will have to personally avoid temptations and use my willpower constructively.
    For almost a year, I have relied on blockers and filters which have not helped.
    I have been dealing with low confidence, low self-esteem, and poor body image because of my hair loss these past two years.
    In two days, I will be shaving my head.
    In fifteen days, I will be getting my hair procedure which in turn will help me regain my confidence.
    I look forward to having a look and style back in my life, especially at my age of 23.
    Considering medical school starts in three months, I will have plenty of time to study and prepare myself both mentally and physically.
    I managed to study for several hours today, though I could have studied more if I was not so distracted.
    As the days progress, I will be studying more and more each day.
    I'd like to bump up my study hours to at least 6-7 hours per day.
    I'm currently studying anatomy, reviewing biochemistry, and reading literature daily.
    I sort of like studying now, which maybe masochistic to say the least.
    Though I didn't manage to lift weights today, I will start on Wednesday, considering tomorrow is a full day.
    Tomorrow is also my last day of work, which I am relieved about considering the job is starting to get annoying.
    My gap year had been well spent so far, and I look forward to being further prepared when I start medical school in three months.
    I've decided that since my mother will be living with me in medical school, I will have less frivolous responsibilities to worry about.
    Tomorrow I will most likely not have time to study considering my mom wants to go to temple with me.
    At least it is another day away from the computer.
     
  5. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 3

    I did not have any urges or impulses to view pornography today.
    I did not feel the need to test any of my filters.
    I had no interest in seeking pornography, breaking down my filters, or finding ways to bypass pre-existing ones.
    I will continue to maintain my own personal willpower when it comes to dealing with urges and temptations.
    Today was my last day at work, and I am relieved.
    I am ready to start the next phase of my life.
    Tomorrow, I will shave my head and prepare my scalp for my procedure on May 15, 2019.
    During these two weeks, I will frequently buzz my head to get accustomed to the look as well as prepare a healthy scalp prior to this procedure.
    I will not need to worry about others seeing my buzzed head, provided I keep a hat and stay out of hat-free zones in the interim.
    Tomorrow I will wake up and shave my head, followed by a shower.
    I will also study anatomy, biochemistry, and read.
    I will also try my hand once again in meditation, resume playing guitar, and lift weights.
    I want to look my best and feel my best prior to my first day of medical school.
    I will also take the initiative to call a potential landlord and arrange potential housing.
    I am not concerned about having to format my computer as the semester approaches, because I want to rely on my own willpower and internal agreement to avoid further pornography and masturbation use.
     
  6. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 4

    I did not have much of a libido today.
    I did edge a little bit, but it did not involve any pornography.
    Most of the images were simply photos that were accompanied by articles or posts on pin-interest.
    I did not actively seek out to edge, these images happened to be accidental views.
    In all other respects, I did not have any urges or temptations to view pornography.
    I did shave my head today for the first time.
    I did not like the look at all as it is quite a drastic change.
    I will have to wait until May 15th till I get my hair procedure to know if I will truly like the look.
    I did not do anything today, because I was constantly looking in the mirror to see how my shaved head looks.
    So far, I can add density to the top of my scalp, establish a dominant hair-line, and bring it down slightly.
    My goal is to create good contrast between my skin and my hair-line.
    I want to look my best again, even though I'll have a shaved head.
    So far, photos online show an improvement to density and a darker texture than the original.
    Only time will tell, as my appointment is two weeks from now.
    I cannot wait to go to my scalp micropigmentation appointment.
    Tomorrow, I will wake up and study anatomy, biochemistry, and read.
    Today I did no studying, though I did go rock climbing.
    I feel emotionally vulnerable today because of my shaved head and getting accustomed to this new look.
    Hopefully the procedure I am getting in two weeks will be worth it.
    I want to look like a 21 year old again.
     
  7. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 5

    I had a dream this morning where I found out that my pornography filters did not work.
    Rather than act on them in the dream, I decided to wake away from them through my willpower and reasoning.
    I was fond to realize it was a dream, and even fonder to realize that I did not intentionally seek pornography or masturbate.
    Today I did not have any urges or impulses to PMO.
    I did not seek out any pornography or feel the need to test my web filters.
    I reassured myself that sooner or later, I will need to manage my own urges and willpower when in front of a computer screen that isn't as protected.
    As the person during my medical school orientation said, deal with all your personal issues before you come here.
    This includes stopping pornography use and having my confidence back.
    Currently, I'm in an emotionally tense portion of my life as I've shaved my head.
    At first, I was upset about my appearance.
    Then, after a few days of hair growth, I realized that my scalp micropigmentation procedure will look great and really make me feel young again.
    The side profiles of my head will be copied onto my crown and scalp, and I will rebuild my hair-line.
    My hair procedure is 13 days from now, and I just can't wait to get it down.
    I'll have to keep waiting and keep experimenting with keeping my hair short.
    I'll also have to get used to keeping my hair this way and learn to accept my new appearance.
    Sometimes I look in the mirror and am disappointment with the way I look, but after looking more, I feel much better knowing this procedure will make me feel attractive again.
    I studied today for about one and a half hours, though I'll need to pick up this if I'm going to get to med school caliber in three months.
    I need to study for at least 6 hours per day if I am to keep up with the material in medical school.
    I found a way to take breaks in-between studying.
    I will lay on the ground with my back stretched, listen to my heart beat through my stethoscope (b), and focus on my heart beat for at least 10 minutes.
    Meditation will clear my mind and refresh my thinking so I can get through the next study block.
    Tomorrow I will wake up early, study, lift weights, and possibly run some errands.
    I will be home alone tomorrow, so I'll need to learn to further manage my urges and temptations.


    Reassuring myself that watching pornography and masturbating will be harmful and that true recovery takes place through impulse control and learning to deal with temptations will be key in finally defeating this long-standing addiction.
     
  8. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 6

    Today I did not have any urges or temptations, though I did have some pornographic flashbacks.
    I did not entertain these thoughts, look up these pornographic actors, or seek out any substitutes for pornography.
    In spite of staying home all day by myself, I did not express the need to seek out pornography or masturbate.
    I did waste a lot of time in front of a computer, as I should of studied more today.
    I did read, learn anatomy, and review biochemistry.
    I also managed to weight-lift today.
    I am counting down the days till my scalp micropigmentation procedure.
    I am now 12 days away from getting this procedure done.
    I desperately want my confidence back after all this hair loss.
    Though I am getting used to the shaved head look, I would really like this procedure to frame my face and make me look masculine and attractive.
    I feel an intact hairline, darker shade of density, and nice stubble will compensate for the full head of hair I used to have.
    Not to mention I will be a doctor, physically fit, and have interests outside the realm of academia.
    Nevertheless, I must continue to wait until my appointment in NYC to get this procedure done.
    Tomorrow I am traveling to my medical school to look at housing.
    Hopefully we can make the decision to either purchase a house or figure out where to rent.
    I really need to study more if I am going to survive the work load in medical school.
    I'm currently studying at 2 hours and 15 minutes per day.
    I will need to increase this number steadily each week to at least 6 hours per day if I am to keep up with the school work.
    Tomorrow will be one week of being PMO free, and this time, I'm relying on my willpower alone instead of blockers or filters.
    Abstinence, as cliche as it sounds, is not recovery.
    True recovery takes place with the correct form of thinking.
     
  9. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 7 - 1 week

    Today I've made it to one full week of nofap relying on my willpower alone.
    Since I spent the entire day with my family outside, I had little to no temptations to watch pornography or masturbate.
    I did have one flashback, but I dismissed it.
    I cannot afford to become depressed again or have my low motivation return, especially before medical school.
    Tomorrow I will have the home by myself, so I will have to rely on my willpower more tomorrow.
    Despite spending the entire day outside, I still found time to exercise.
    I am not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow, but it will definitely involve studying, weight-lifting, and reading.
    I feel great that I have made it to my first week, but I know that tougher times are ahead.
    If I can get to 90 days before the start of medical school, I will be at a good position both cognitively, mentally, and physically.
     
  10. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 10 - 1 week

    I missed posting the past two days, but during this time, I have remained clean.
    I had little to no urges or temptations to view pornography or masturbate.
    I feel as though my libido is essentially zero at this point, as I cannot maintain sexual thoughts for long periods of time without getting bored.
    In 8 more days, I will be getting my scalp micropigmentation procedure which I am looking forward to.
    I'd like my look back, now more than ever.
    I will continue to remain PMO free, because I know engaging in further PMO behaviors will be harmful to my success in medical school.
    As the lecturer said in orientation, "work out your personal problems before you come here".
    With that, I now have everything to lose if I chose to PMO or MO.
    Every time I PMO, I end up ruining everything and losing all my motivation to study or work out.
    I don't want to experience stuff like this anymore.
    On a side note, I'm studying more and more each day.
    I've decided that instead of counting the amount of time I study, I should build my endurance to get through entire lectures and chapters without taking breaks in-between.
    I often finding myself not being able to pick up a chapter or finish a lecture after 45 minutes, but I can finish through an entire lecture without difficulties if there is no time limit.
     
  11. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 11 - 1 Week

    Today I had a roller-coaster of emotions.
    There were periods where I felt intense anger, intense sadness, feelings of hopelessness, but they went away.
    I'm still feeling pretty strange after experiencing all these emotions, as I don't know how to feel right now.
    Anyway, I have little to no libido today, and it's starting to scare me.
    I've experienced feelings like this before, so I know it's natural.
    Regarding mood, I just feel like...where exactly am I headed with my life?
    I get it that I'm going to be a doctor, but then what?
    What's going to happen in the middle?
    What's going to happen in the future?
    What happened in the past anyway?
    In 8 days, I'll get my scalp micropigmentation procedure, but at what cost?
    I'll be dropping $2,800 to get this procedure, so I'm starting to debate whether it's worth it?
    I might as well get it done, I mean I start the next chapter of my life anyway.
    I don't know now.
    I've waited 2, maybe 3 years to get this done, and now I'm so close, I don't know if I should take the leap and do it.
    I feel so ugly and foreign these days.
    I just don't feel the same anymore.
     
  12. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 12 - 1 Week

    Today I did not have any urges, though I did see some flashbacks. Is it considered urging if I check out other people in real life? Not sure how I feel about constantly giving a double-take to attractive women that pass by. Apart from flashbacks, my father was home the entire day, so I had little to any urges or desire to PMO. I reaffirmed myself today that I do not need it, and I actually ended up reaching out to a new accountability partner I've met on this site. I'm excited, because I see potential in this person. I did not test any of the filters today, nor did I feel the need to seek out pornography or masturbate. I want to be at the top of my game when I start medical school, so the last thing I need is to further engage in any self-destructive behaviors. In one more week, I will be getting my scalp micropigmentation treatment, so I'm excited to finally regain some of my lost confidence. I've grown accustomed to the shaved head look, but it would be ideal if I had a hairline and my diffuse thinning covered. I'm 100% certain that I'm going to go through with this procedure, though it does cost a bit of money and that I have some hair left.

    Like I said before, I will no longer be able to rely on filters or porn blockers, so it's in my best interest to learn to deal with urges through my own willpower. I'm using the filters as long as I can before school starts just to keep myself clean. In the meantime, I'm going to keep working on dealing with internal issues and try to reason myself out of every using pornography or masturbation.

    Here are some mantras I say to myself if I feel the urge to watch pornography or masturbate:
    • I need to quit, because it has harmed my own self-esteem and does not align with my personal values. I cannot continue to watch something that I know is bad for me.
    • I need to quit, because I want to be at the top of my game cognitively when I start medical school, during medical school, and afterwards into my career.
    I'll reaffirm these tomorrow. I'm also going to check in daily with my accountability partner as well.
     
    Mekkeren likes this.
  13. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 13 - Week 1

    Today was a slightly aggravating day, but I managed. I had my first wet dream in a while this morning, so urges were at an all time high. I thought about resetting today and had a couple flashbacks to some P scenes. I reaffirmed myself nonetheless and confessed my feelings to my accountability partner today. I had some high level urges, but I did not seek out any pornographic content or edging material. I'm going to keep reaffirming my values and reasons for staying away from PMO. Today was a stressful day, because I really don't like spending time with my dad. It's frustrating and contributes a lot to my stress. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better time as my parents are both going to work.

    In other news, my hair appointment will be done soon. I'm excited for my new look. I'm tried of worrying about my appearance each day. I just want my hairline back and a look at style for my age.
     
  14. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 14 - Week 2

    I've made it to two weeks of nofap on my own volition, and I feel proud for it. Though I am scared about future relapses, I will look more into why I feel this way. I'm afraid that once I move to my new medical school, the temptations will return as the stress from my academics mount upon each other. For example, I will have to reset my computer so that the pornographic filters no longer work as optimally as they used to. I'll have to convince my parents to purchase a non-smart TV so that I won't be tempted to watch pornography on a flat-screen. These are things I am scared for, but I have to remove these filters at some point or another. I'm made it to week two, and the flashbacks are definitely returning as my libido restarts.

    On a side note, I'm investing more time in reading. The books I purchased on Amazon finally came in the mail today, so I've been reading them voraciously. By tomorrow, I would of finished one of the books that I started this afternoon. I managed to exercise and have a generally calm, but intellectually stimulating day. I don't know if reading as a hobby is respectable, but I do find it quite relaxing and productive. Something that really stuck with me today is something I'm currently reading called, The Defining Decade. It's quite interesting and goes against that stereotype how the 20's are supposed to be a time of great fun, traveling, and general debauchery. Instead, it should be more oriented toward gaining "social capital", in other words, skills that will help you transition into full time adulthood.

    It's an interesting read, mainly because I felt like I was missing out on my 20's. Low and behold, I realize how important it is to train like you're about to fight superman during this time period. It's the period when you're brain is going through a second growth spurt, one that is important and crucial for further cognitive development.
     
  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Congrats on the 2 weeks!

    Is it just the filters or also the tension of changing environment? I am sure you'll be alright. Filters are just a small first barrier. The real addict will always find his way. A new medical school will be a great change with new people and perspective. You can use it as momentum to a fulfilling porn-free life.

    Is there even a more respectable hobby, I would say?
     
  16. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    I didn't realize this for one year unfortunately. I initially relied on extreme measures to block pornography, but I always found a way; I always found a weakness. It wasn't until two weeks ago did I realize that I needed to overcome this through my own volition. On a side note, it is extremely difficult for me to access pornography, as I'd have to factory reset my computers and cellphones if I wanted to relapse. You would not believe how I managed to set everything up.
     
  17. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 15 - 2 weeks

    I've made it to half the month without pornography or masturbation, which I am immensely grateful for. I do have urges from time to time, and I think I had the temptation once today while I was setting up my TV antenna. Luckily, I thought about the progress I've made so far and the fact that I now have a dependable accountability partner and people whom read my journal. I spent the day today home alone, but I put the hours into good use. I studied, lifted weights, spent some time with friends, and had an overall relaxing day. I'm studying more and more each day to build up to the start of medical school, which is two months from now. Time is moving by rather quickly, but I'm starting to pick up momentum again. Each day I am exercising and studying, emptying my mind and clearing it for the start of school.

    I'm getting my hair procedure done in 3-4 days, so I'm excited to start a new phase of my life. At this point, I am used to the shaved head look as it's masculine, tough-appearing, and convenient. Not having to deal with hear on my head is a blessing considering how it no longer gets in the way, no longer needs to be managed, or fixed up before I head out. As it turns out, the shaved head will be a really good look for me. I'm glad I can grow a full beard as well, so that's the added bonus (though being clean shaved with a shaved head looks pretty bad-ass).

    So that I'm 15 days into the reboot, it's time to get serious about my long-standing pornography addiction. I'll have to be more cautious as my libido returns. I've been having more flashbacks, and I've been tempted to just reset again. I need to keep reaffirming myself that this choice is for the best. There's no way I can get through medical school if I keep PMO'ing, as it will impact my motivation to get through the sheer amount of material and impair my concentration and recall ability. Basically, if I do reset or relapse, it would leave a catastrophic impact on my grades. This is a tangible value.

    For a personal reason as why I want to quit, it's important to note that the lowest points of my life had been during times after a recent relapse or reset. I'm tired of the poor side-effects that come with a post-release, even though it feels good initially. Only time will tell as I move closer to starting medical school.
     
  18. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 16 - 2 weeks

    I've had several flashbacks and thought about resetting today. Luckily, I didn't try my hand at testing any filters or looking up edging material. My accountability partner is on vacation, and I haven't got any responses from the other journals I've been following, so I feel a little bit vulnerable at this point. Regardless, I'm reassured myself that I can no longer afford a reset as it will start me again at square one. Medical school starts in 3 months, and I'm getting my hair procedure done in 3 days. I've been waiting for this procedure for three fucking years. I'm finally close to getting this procedure, and I'm on the edge on whether I want to do this or not. Will I look good? Will it make a difference? What will it look like in person? All I know is that this week will be a very very strange time period.

    I'm on the crossroads of what to do about my hair-loss. I've waited three years to get this procedure done (scalp micropigmentation), and I'm concerned about a) if it's worth it to do the procedure and b) will it look good/improve how I currently look. I'm scared, really, I am.

    God, I want this to turn out okay. I just want to feel normal again.

    This. This is my reward. I am doing this, because I completed college. I'm doing this, because I got into medical school. I'm doing this for me.
     
  19. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 20 - 2 weeks

    I finally did it, and it turned out amazing. It is only the first session, but it looks infinetely better. After waiting two years, I finally got my look and confidence back. I will update more when I get back, but I have to say this. I'm a new person, and I have learned a lot along the way. Let's start the next phase of my life.
     
    Mekkeren likes this.
  20. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Day 21 - 3 weeks

    I'm not going to lie, today was difficult to get through. I had thoughts about trying to reset my computer so I can watch pornography and masturbate again, and I did test my filter twice. The first time, I tried installing a different browser to see if I could access porn (turns out I couldn't unfortunately). I also tried accessing the pornography portal on my TV, which was blocked successfully by the password. During this day, I also was looking at memes, some of which were on the edgy-er and triggering side, but I didn't actively seek out these types of images. Week three was challenging, and today was difficult considering I had the entire home to myself.

    I was slightly paranoid about my new hair-style, but I realized that I was over thinking it. It honestly looks great, and though there is some slight baldness seen in the back, this will be fixed in 3 weeks when I return for my follow up appointment. I feel better now having a hair-line back and no longer appearing bald in the front. I do have a slight bald spot in the back, but I'm sure no one will notice. In reality, no one is paying attention to my head as much as myself. My hairline is intact now, and I have good density right down the middle to give that really good trimmed look. Anyway, I've been checking myself in the mirror way too much today. It's probably contributing to my anxiety.

    Anyway, I guess I'll have to wait three more weeks till I can get the final look I want, though I look great now. It's honestly a serious change from my bald appearance. I'm going to have to buy a trimmer and the anti-shine cream to have the right look. Though I don't have long hair anymore, having this low maintenance look is honestly the best thing I did for me. I look tougher, masculine, and better than when I had hair.

    I am sort of upset at the amount of edging I did today and the slight seeking of P-subs. Though I didn't PMO, I did not exercise my willpower as much as I should. I did resist the temptation to reset my computer and watch porn again, which I could of easily done considering I had the entire day to do it at home. Tomorrow, I'll be with my parents the whole day so I won't have such a luxury nor opportunity to do so.
     
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