A Journal About a Recovery

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Rusty, Sep 25, 2017.

  1. Rusty

    Rusty Member

    I've been on a remarkable journey over these last five years. I've managed to achieve many of the things I set out to do and I have been able to make positive changes that I never really dreamed were really possible.

    One area that is still undermining my wellbeing is my porn usage. The sad reality is that I've had many times over the last three years where I have overcome my issues and have minimized my PIED to the point where I could have sex without the use of Viagra.

    I was for the most part in control of my addiction and because of that the PIED that I had experienced in my younger years had diminished significantly. Unfortunately while this past six months has been successful in terms of career my personal and emotional wellbeing has taking something of a pounding. One of the consequences of that is my relapse back into online pornography and into other negative cycles.

    For the past few months I've been visiting porn sites three or four times a week and during this period I have become more depressed and have also avoided social situations. I felt suicidal over the weekend and I think that was a massive warning that I need to begin to make changes otherwise my story may have a very sad ending.

    So my plan is to use this platform as a way of tracking my progress over the next six months.

    Sexual Health Goals:

    No Porn
    No masturbation
    Consider dating again

    Personal Goals:

    Start writing again
    Save 500 dollars per month
    Lose 15lbs
  2. Rusty

    Rusty Member

    Day 3.

    Already feeling a little more aroused and a little more alive. When I wrote the last post I was feeling down because I was just coming off a series of relapses.

    I'm busy with work right now so I wont write too much, but I will say that I feel much more optimistic today then when I was relapses.

    One of the reasons I want to recover as because I need Viagra for sex right now and I don't like that. I think I need a long time without porn and masturbation before I can get decent erections without Viagra.

    After a month or so clean I think I will start looking at dating again.
  3. Rusty

    Rusty Member

    Day 4 (late update).

    Its still super hard to stay away from. I peaked at some timid material last night for 5 minutes.

    I managed to walk away and that's a big positive.

    I'm hoping to cut that out completely as its led to relapses in the past.

    Theres such a massive motive to get clean but when arousal hits sometimes a madness takes over.

    30 years old now and need to get better so I can have a healthy relationship.
  4. Rusty

    Rusty Member

    Day 5.

    Still not a good start. A bit of fantasizing at times and I've peeked a couple of times as well.

    Havent masturbated or orgasmed or anything close but a little disappointed.

    My problem is that because I haven't orgasmed for a while I now feel very horny and I don't have my old outlet.

    All I know is that today I will attempt to have a very clean day with no peeking.
  5. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Hang in there Rusty! You're 30 years old with the maturity of a guy in his 40s or 50s.
    Rusty likes this.
  6. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    Sup Rusty. Looks like we're at similar stages (early stage) of trying to shake this. I'm also 30, looking forward to your progress. It's impressive that you managed to shake off PIED, I don't know that I can say I've fully recovered from that. However, I'm so much better than before I discovered my problem so I guess everything is always relative.
    Rusty likes this.
  7. Rusty

    Rusty Member

    Thank you for the responses.

    I never 100% defeated pied but I did get to a stage where I could have sex without ed medication - but sometimes I would take it anyway because it helped me maintain an erection for longer than 10 minutes.

    Day 6.

    Yesterday was a big positive because I went the whole day without peeking. Its now 6 days since I orgasmed or masturbated and that's a great start. I know want to put in many solid days where I don't peek at all - best case scenario is that I wont ever peek again but I'm not fully confident that I can do that right now.

    Small changes - morning wood and perhaps a deeper voice (could be placebo). My moods better and I don't know if that's biological or if its down to me just feeling better about myself because I'm taking control of an addiction: it could even be both.

    I also realized that I started on October 1st so if I make it to new years eve then that will be 90 days clean so I will be able to party without a care in the world.

    Looking forward to living like a normal human again.
  8. Rusty

    Rusty Member

    Day 7.

    Feeling good and had morning wood once again which is always a good sign.

    I'm meeting up with someone I'm dating tonight and if all goes well we should be spending the night together. I'm going to take ed drugs just to be safe but the plan is to get off them after a few months of no pmo.

    I remember being vulnerable to a relapse after sex when I was previously doing no fap, so this time I need to be diligent not to mess up the day after. The longer I spend with her the morning after the safer I will be.

    Its kind of exciting to be on this road to recovery but I'm also a little afraid because I've relapsed many times before.
  9. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Watsup how did it go
  10. Rusty

    Rusty Member

    Day 8.

    Last night went pretty well. We stayed at the hotel and I took the ed pill and an hour later all was fine. I lost my erection after 5 or 10 mins but it was more of a condom issue. I gave her an orgasm through oral and she did the same to me.

    This morning we had again for 10 minutes and finished each other with oral.

    It wasn't perfect sex but I know it will get better and the longer I stay away from pmo the better it will get for us.

    I'm excited to get to day 10 as well because that's the longest I've been clean for almost 6 months.

    Things are looking up.

Share This Page