A job half done is a job undone

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Mekkeren, Apr 23, 2019.

  1. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Back from the vacation trip with my boys. It was really fun but also very exhausting. Little sleep, lots of alcohol and always people around.
    The good thing is that I almost never thought about relapsing. Only a few times in the shower.
    The bad thing is that a lot of my old anxieties started coming up again. I usually don't say a lot I don't feel the need but when I'm tired it is, even more, the case. In normal situations, I can then just be tired and quiet on my own but now I was surrounded by people all the time and I feel like they want me to talk and make jokes as they do. Even though they say that I don't have to but it still feels like that. If it is the wittiness I'm lacking I start thinking that I'm less smart then they are and less funny, likable or boring.
    Some have friends have told me they think I'm smart. I think because if I'm quiet it looks like I'm thinking of something important but the real case is that I'm just thinking what a loser I am(not always the case of course). So I feel sort of like a fraud I don't fully show who I am cause I'm afraid they don't like what they see or that I don't like what I see.

    Well now I'm back and I don't have to deal with people for a while. I will try to get back in the rhythm sleeping well and exercising again and start making music and posting it online. Also, start working on my appearance. Cause I noticed a lot of my anxieties come from that as well. Me looking at others and comparing myself with them. So think about which hairstyle I want which clothes. It must be something I want and also something that attracts the girls I like.
  2. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    I have been looking at pics and videos again and edging a little. It was actually pretty boring. But I think it is just the habit that keeps me doing it.
    I'm planning to read The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg to change that.

    That's is all I have to say today
  3. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Wow, I've reached 30 days today!

    I know I should not get caught up in the day counter. But it still is an accomplishment where I can be proud of. Although I still have looked at some pics and videos along the way. I still can't truly let go of the habit as if I'm leaving behind something worthwhile. But it has become less and less interesting which is a good thing I think.
    I'm still in search of something to replace the habit. Making music is one of them which I love, but it misses sexuality (it is now just me in my bedroom making music). I would like to use my sexual energy which I don't waste on Porn to interact with girls. But I have no idea how to go about doing that.
    Most of my social life is me interacting with classmates, which I don't see now since it is summer break or my friends who are all guys. I do have two female friends but I'm not that attracted too them. I have tried tinder to get with a girl. But it is not for me and it is eerily similar to clicking on porn pics which in the end is only triggering a relapse. I should figure out the demographics of girls I like and try to be appealing to them. I guess to get with a girl I should first really work on and figure out who I want to be and set foot in that direction. With accomplishing small goals I set for myself I can get more confident with each one I accomplish and know that I can rely on myself.

    For the next 10 day I will be home alone. So that is going to be a challenge. I will probably be hanging around more on this forum this week. So I don't feel too lonely haha. And I will try to keep myself busy as much as possible doing productive tasks(Making music, finding a job, Meditating) and hanging out with friends. My first thought of being alone for 10 days was that it would be a great opportunity to get a girl over. But I should not focus on this too much. Well, no real epiphanies here. But it is good to type my thoughts here. I will end with this nice quote from Carl Rogers.

    ''The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change.''
  4. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Try dancing or dance classes. It has
    - movement (good for exercise)
    - music (find a genre you like)
    - Girls / Women

    Classical dance classes are a great way to get comfortable with touch (salsa, swing, ballroom) and learning how to lead. See what’s on in your area.

    This is something Porn robs us of. Sex is more than just visuals. It’s touch, smell and taste. As well as movement and understanding your own body outside of crotch gymnastics.

    Alternatively acting or improv classes are great for learning how to talk and stand and also move around. Loads of girls to chat to and make friends with.

    If budget is a problem, just look on meet up dot com and see what’s going on in your area.

    Massive congrats on 30 days. Those are hard yards. Well earned! Here’s to another 30

    Mekkeren and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Congrats on your progress @Mekkeren ! Your thinking seems to me very clear and balanced. This gives me good hope for you, whatever challenges you have in front of you. I really like the Carl Rodgers quite as well. So true.

    I also think @Professor Chaos has some great words of wisdom written right above here. And I should go ahead and think of following such advice myself. I've had the opportunity of dancing with a woman recently and I can totally understand what PC talks about regarding getting used to simply touching a woman. I may look into some dancing classes sometime soon. But I would lie if I would not say this thought is (at least a little lol) scary !
    Mekkeren likes this.
  6. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Thanks PC, here's to another 30! :)

    I will look what I can find in the dancing area. Although I do have in the back of mind that it is a bit disingenuous is for me to take those kinds of class since I normally don't really listen to those genres of music. But then again I guess a lot of people take those classes mostly to socialize. So I will give it a try. Acting classes or improv classes sound lay really out of my comfort zone but I will look into it as well. Failing is always more fun than never trying at all. Besides, I'm getting tired of doing crotch gymnastics(lol nicely put) time to find something else.
  7. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Thanks, @Thelongwayhome27. Yeah, it sounds pretty scary to me as well haha. But we have to be fearless.

    Just like Pema Chödrön (shout out to Wabi-sabi) says:

    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  8. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Couldn't properly do my mediation this morning because of the construction work noises behind my house. I noticed that I am more acting on my urges. I have opened up porn-sites already a few times this day. Got to keep myself busy with other things and get away from the computer.
  9. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Mekkeren, Don't make it easy for yourself. Make sure you have some sort of filter or block on those sites so you don't stray, Use every tool at your disposable. Otherwise it's like an alcoholic saying.... "I'll only have one shot of whiskey."

    Hang in there matey.

    Lean into your fears. Give those classes a try, you never know who you are going to meet. :)

    Mekkeren likes this.
  10. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Pretty shitty to admit but I relapsed. Part of it was boredom, part of it was loneliness and part of it was the fear of it happening since I was on my best streak so far which made it paradoxically happen.
    The fear actually is just me not having enough belief in myself that I can do it. I need to work on building my self-esteem. Investing more in things I can be proud of such as my music. That was another thing. Today I was making music and nothing came out how I wanted it to. Which in return made me insecure about my abilities and ruined my self-esteem.
    I know you should just accept who you are no matter what but I have the feeling that I can do so much more and when it doesn't work I feel shit about myself. I have all this free time and I'm not spending it to the best of my ability. I'm going to try putting positive affirmations in my meditations. To get a more positive image of myself. For instance, there is already a lot to say for the fact that I am even trying to get rid of this addiction and me living up to my relapse. That is positive thinking! And maybe this relapse is just another guidance I need in this journey of becoming in peace with myself.

    My mind is a bit clouded now so can't come up with something I can do differently this next streak accept just not give in to the urges and spending more time on this forum again cause I sometimes forget why I am doing this. That means also reading what I myself have put in my journal. I have never actually ever read back what I wrote there. Could be beneficial in understanding my thought patterns behaviour. Does anyone else do this as well with their own journal?

    Well, relapses are part of the healing process. I can only continue this path now! Giving up is not an option!

    Hey PC, thanks for stopping by again. Great streak you got going on. I hope to get there someday.

    I have filters. But I actually spend way to much time fiddling with them to make them better or whatever(blocking more sites and make it harder to disable them). Which is just sort of a replacement behaviour of Porn. Just like at the beginning of my journal actually now I think about it. I really need to stop doing that!

    I will go to the classes in September when college starts again. Pretty excited for it, but also a little bit scared. I will let you know how it went once I have done them.
  11. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Yeah man.
    Sorry to hear that you relapsed. When I read that you had been cruising some sites I got a bit worried for you. Walls never just fall down. Cracks appear first. First thing to do is to prevent yourself binging.

    There’s a nasty cycle that happens when you've been on a streak that you start to think ‘well I might as well indulge now that I’m here’ and you end up following up your streak with a massive P binge. Which of course makes you feel like shit and then you want more P.

    Just get through one day at a time. Make plans to keep yourself busy and even leave the house without your phone. Spend some time in nature and go for walks. Let your mind churn. It will do that. While you are ‘sober’ try to set yourself up for when you are going to ‘crave’ later.

    Switch off routers, lock your phone in the car, clean the house, do what needs to be done. DON’T assume you have control right now as your ability to regular your behavior has been compromised. The part of you whispering that you don’t need to do those things or the fear that pops up when you consider doing that? That’s Shadow wanting it’s darkness.

    Stay calm, stay peaceful and if you can, keep busy. Great to hear you are going to sign up to some classes. Book them now. Lean into your fear and most importantly, you are going to be ok. Keep us posted regardless what happens. I while back while I was in The Hole I considered deleting my whole journal. The Shadow is very convincing.

    Take care.
    Mekkeren and -Luke- like this.
  12. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Yeah very true. The relapse was already lingering a bit on the background. It did not happen in one moment.

    Luckily I didn't binge. I consider it as a slip-up. They can happen. That does not mean that I don't take them seriously but I'm beyond the stage of making it bigger than it is. But I do however try to learn from them as if they are a guide in the right direction making it easier to accept what happened.

    I will try to live a more sober life. Like you say get in contact more with the real world and avoid the darkness. This is a spiritual journey we are undertaking here and I should regard it as one. Only abstinence is not enough.

    Glad you did not delete your journal I could very much learn from you. I'll keep you posted!

    Professor Chaos likes this.
  13. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Day 4

    Going it's going very well. I miraculously haven't had any major urges. Maybe something in my attitude has changed. Watching porn is something I don't want to be associated with. Instead, I'm going full in on studying music and playing and producing it.
  14. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Guess who is back again.

    It has been quite some time since I posted here. And for the most part that was a good thing. During the vacation, I started thinking less and less about porn and so naturally I started visiting this site less often and did not found it necessary to post here since it went pretty well. Until the last weekend of the vacation (so last weekend), I spilled out all my social anxieties to my friends about how I feel like I don't belong and or add something in the group and that I'm just replaceable. They said they did not think that was the case at all which calmed me down for a bit. But the next day and week I started to really feel embarrassed about what I did and feel less connected to my friends. I always cared a lot about what people think of me. And so showing myself this vulnerable made me think a lot about the consequences of this to our friendship. I have to keep this quote in mind even with friends:

    "You’ll Worry Less About What People Think of You When You Realize How Seldom They Do"

    I talked about it with my parents too and they were loving as always and they said they did not think I was the loser I thought I was. But it is so ingrained in my thinking that I am not worthy that those words comfort me for a little bit but I'll go right to my old thinking when I am by myself again.

    That is when I turned back to porn aswell. And this time to cam mistresses on cam-sites who only use me for my money. I don't know why I found this so appealing. But they made me spend over 200 euro this month and I did not even get much in return. I won't go further into detail cause it might be triggering and it does not really matter since I want to quit.

    I need to get my head clear and focus on rebooting again. Part of the reason I got back to porn is I have to say is that I got tired of always having to do and don't do certain stuff. Always trying to better myself. Which quickly turns to I'm not good enough! So my new strategy is not saying "I must do this" but "I choose to do this". Which gives it a way lighter feel and a sense of control.

    On the brighter side, I am following philosophy classes now as a minor which I really enjoy. And I took up the dance classes(Salsa) like I said I would. I only had one introduction class which was fun although I don't know if I want to keep doing it for the rest of the year, I will see. Next week I there is one introduction class left and then I have to decide and enroll with a partner which I still need to find. That is enough for now.
  15. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Back again,

    Recently I have been slipping again. I have been delving more and more into cam-site fetishishes. All the while I have been doing half-ass attempts at staying away from them. However, I have still been looking at those sites.

    So I relapsed a few minutes ago and I quickly changed my clothes and got on my bike to study in the library where I am currently sitting. It really sucks that after two years of trying to do Nofap. I still haven't gone for more than 30 days. How hard can it fucking be! I still haven't had a breakthrough where I got to really know my patterns of porn-use so I could remove them from my life. This includes the filters I have been using which haven't helped all this time. They only seem to take even more time up when I try to watch porn because I have to delete or turn them off.
    Although I don't think that porn is the biggest factor in why I don't seem too confident in myself. It does play a big part and I am way better off without it. Even if my friends seem to do fine with using porn regularly. I am not like them and don't need to want that.
    For me, it has become a problem. And it is showing in how I keep procrastinating on the things that I should be doing and in the way my bank account is slowly slinking. I'm 23 now, but I still feel pretty much like a boy which needs to be told what to do. Ironically enough that is also the way I watch porn.

    These next few months I have to decide on some pretty big life decisions (like choosing what to do for my bachelor thesis, which master I want to pick and if I am going to move to another city) which I have to think of in advance. Thus I can't keep procrastinating and choosing the easy way.

    It is time to take this seriously again. I am going to make time free every day to read something about quitting porn to get inspired. Which I haven't done in quite a while cause partly I have been busy with studying and partly cause I did not feel the need. I am still not fully 100 percent in. Don't think I will ever because I haven't hit rock bottom. I managed to slip by. But I will set my next goal and that is reaching 30 days. Thus 2-11-2019.
    I have been sporadically meditating and I want to increase that to a daily habit. Cause I think that would really help in overcoming times where I am about to give in and can't think straight.
    Also, I am going to pick up singing lessons which I always wanted to do but was too scared and lazy to actually make work of it. This can maybe give me a confidence boost since I think singing is one of the most vulnerable things someone could do and practising that could maybe help me be more vulnerable in real life as well. Which in result makes me less scared of taking risks.

    Big ramble, Now back to studying. Have a good one!
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  16. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Day 4

    Feeling generally okay the past 4 days. I have to admit I did peek a few times at some sites. But I managed to pull myself together. This time I'm trying to not put too many expectations on not fapping as if it is a magical solution for my problems. Best to see it just as a lifestyle that I like to live by. Maybe I later in the streak I will try MO'ing if I get too horny. But for now, I'll just stick by no Orgasm at all within addition a steady meditation rhythm. That is all.
    Universal likes this.
  17. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Have you tried getting any help at identifying your patterns?
    Mekkeren likes this.
  18. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    No, never actually. That would be nice. But I still haven't put my full attention on figuring out the patterns myself. So there is still room for improvement. Have you done it? Did it help?
  19. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    @Mekkeren Yes, it's precisely how I feel I beat addiction. Most medical types feel that addiction - regardless of variety - is really a symptom of a bigger problem. Until I wrapped my arms around that idea, I couldn't get better. I needed to understand how I became the person that I did. No amount of success in not drinking or not PMO'ing was going to address the underlying issues. It's like if you're going bald, you can wear a wig, but you're still going bald under there. The wig doesn't address the core problem. With myself, I learned that a combination of how I dealt with childhood trauma, coupled with not always taking care of my mental health, along with a touch of narcissism were the stew that caused things to happen in my life like my businesses to fail and my relationships with people to strain quickly. Those things in turn led to my addictions. Dealing with those root issues made kicking the addictions much easier.
    Mekkeren likes this.
  20. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Thanks for replying Joshua.

    I fully agree with you and it is great that it helped you beat your addiction. Hopefully I can do that one day too. But it is hard to say what caused this addiction. I did not really start as an escape when I started doing it. It just felt good so I kept going.
    I guess a big part of my problem is that I am pretty insecure about myself. I'm still a virgin and I never had a girlfriend before. Not that I think that it is that big of a deal but it does weigh on me I think. I especially judge myself pretty hard for never having the guts to actually get with a girl. "I'm too much of a pussy and they would probably not like me anyway.". Some of the Porn I watch plays on that part. Girls on my screen telling me I'm a loser/virgin and using me just for money I get off on that.
    Also, I still care way too much about what people think of me which doesn't help when you are trying to get with a girl. Often when I want to do something I first think of what other people(friends/family) will think of it.
    I want to improve myself and get more self-confidence but I also want to stay true to myself. It is hard to say when I do or don't do something out of fear (of being left out) or because I genuinely want too. This self is also when I think about it just someone I made up. I try to act like I think people want me to act.
    I guess it is best to just keep trying different stuff to see what feels good without it being a form of another escape and never to watch porn, easier said than done. As for the fact of caring what people think. It is best to understand that I can never have really any influence on that, it is out of my control.

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