A job half done is a job undone

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Mekkeren, Apr 23, 2019.

  1. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    I said goodbye to my grandma yesterday. She has cancer and is probably going to die in the next few days. Usually, I don't feel too many strong emotions but, I really had a lump in my throat. But it feels good to feel something. I always would like these moments to be special but it is real life so things go clumpy. Things don't come out as I want them too. And my grandma is not the sentimental type anyways. But she did say to me there is no reason to be sad there are so many beautiful things in life. I will keep this memory very dear to me. It made me think of the things I really value. Real life connections like this are what I want. These are the only healthy way of numbing the pain of this lonely existence I think.

    After getting home I went to my friends and told them what happened. It felt good to share something so personal once. But after that, the night went on like it usually does. Smoking weed and drinking. Went home pretty early again cause I wasn't feeling it.

    Back home again I was thinking about relapsing. To feel a little comfort. But it just felt so wrong to my grandma to be sitting there jerking in front of a screen, that is not what she would like me to be, so I stopped. It isn't the real-life connection that I crave. And it never will be.
    Probably still going to have urges but with this, in mind, I'm sure I can beat them.

    PS: The exam I had yesterday went horrible. The studying went better the more I did it thanks to the tip of the study excel sheet from Chosen Undead and the plugin stayfocusd that PC suggested. But still, it went shit. Haven't learned the matter the right way and didn't sleep well the last couple days. I will work extra hard for the resit now.
    Stay strong guys.
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2020
  2. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Not going to like the previous post, as I feel sorry about your grandmother's medical condition. I too lost a grandmother, seeing her alive in the morning and having her die at night. It's a different kind of feeling, seeing someone close to you die. But it's a feeling we must all go through. Take this time to be open, reach out to others, and have good company. Also be cautious about resetting/relapsing, as I've heard from other members that the changes increase especially after drinking or smoking weed, as our executive centers (impulse control) is diminished.

    I'm glad you are using the excel sheet to keep track of studying hours. Continue to log hours in and see the values improve. Increase your study endurance slowly but surely. Remember, no one is born an A student. The students that always receive A's without trying are not facing their full potential. I'm a proud B+ student. Make sure in addition to study habits that you harbor a healthy mind and sleep well. Sleep is crucial, especially in college. Call me a "square" but I always made an effort to get 9 hours of sleep in college. Sleep, exercise, and my studies were important in college. Everything else was secondary.
    Mekkeren likes this.
  3. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Thanks man,

    Losing someone that close to you is though yeah. She died today. And I have peace with it. I got my chance to say goodbye and have been visiting her a lot recently. She had a happy life and lived to be 84 so not a bad age. It is especially hard to see my father and grandfather sad. Don't see too often grown man cry.

    In honour of her, I will beat this addiction!

    Tomorrow I begin studying again. And you are right sleep is key. I need at least 9 hours of sleep to have a productive day.
    But this weekend been investing a lot of time in Music as a replacement for porn and it brings me much joy and fulfilment something that porn can't give.

    Best Regards
    Chosen Undead likes this.
  4. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Okay, the last few days I have been kinda down. Seeing death so close to me made me think of my own mortality a lot again and all the pointless suffering we go through in this life. And start to doubt if it is all worth it.
    But I have to believe it is worth it. There are so many beautiful things in life I just have to work to get them. Nothing will ever happen if I just sit on my ass all day and fantasize what will happen. "The past is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift"

    Also, I need to really stop procrastinating if I don't want to fall into the same pattern again. --> I procrastinate--> I feel bad about it --> want to feel good again --> Relapse.
  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Condolences for your Grandma man.

    I often deal with these kinds of thoughts. Existential ones. Especially when I am in a depressive phase, in a rut. It's made me wonder how much of my depression isn't actually spiritually rooted rather then the common psychological angle/explanation.

    The pain is interesting though in a way, because it offers the possibility to dig deeper and perhaps come out with some (personal and honest) answers and some lasting strength. This is more easily said then done though, but still.

    Viktor Frankl wrote that despair = suffering - meaning (D = S - M). When we find a meaning to our pain, we don't have despair anymore.

    What's good is you are not tempted by relapse right now. Most probably those answers won't be found in relapse. I honestly think the only way to find real answers is to accept and get to know the pain instead of running away from it.
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  6. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Thanks man,

    Yeah, I hope I can use this experience as a sort of wake up call. Like you said to find meaning back in my life otherwise it would just be despair and doom thinking. Although I think it is a rational and realistic way of thinking and looking at the world. ( Studies have shown that depressed people are more realistic). But that is not the way I want to go through life. Why if I just have one would I be sad all the time. It is a waste of time. That doesn't mean I just want to be fully delusional, I should still recognize it for what it is and where it comes from. And if I don't have the answers for it go look for them, but a little slack in the negative thinking could not do much harm.

    I love your Viktor Frankl quote btw. Makes a lot of sense.

    Stay strong!
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  7. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Day 0

    Reading the last post I made now feels pretty silly. Cause I already felt this coming. I started edging to girls on Reddit than stopping and doing it the next day all over again.

    Once again the filters made it clear that they are only there to keep slow down the exposure to the material.

    Why can't I ever think rational when this is happening? It is so frustrating that I don't have control over myself. Only once I come and all the negative feeling come rushing back (brainfog, anxiety, lethargy), do I start thinking again about all the things I read.

    One of the reasons I think this happened, is that I have been procrastinating on work I have to do for a project this weekend, but still sitting in front of the screen. Makes it so tempting go to my comfort space. Maybe good to mention, the shit I watch is femdom and mostly girls saying that I am owned by them and that I am addicted. Which makes it even more real and exciting when I actually prove that point by giving in. Knowing this the next time I procrastinate(which will happen again) I should just do something fully different. Beware of this

    One of the other reasons that I relapsed was that I was feeling kind of shit about myself today and the whole funeral situation.

    I and the other grandchildren got together to talk through what everyone was going to say at the funeral. Everyone was bringing up anecdotes they had with grandma from way back in the day. And I could just remember very general things about her and recent encounters I had. Emidiatlly my inner-voice started saying: You are dumb, unattentive and only think about yourself.

    This voice has lessened in the last years but is still very much there in stressful situations like this. Situations I am not familiar with. I should work on this. Get used to dealing with stress and lower the negative inner voice. (Look into Pema Chodron)

    I now just have to shrug this off and take this reboot even more serious now. So the plan is:

    - Visited YBR every day and write when you feel like it.
    - Exercise every day switching between cardio and muscle exercises
    - 1 hour of solitude every day. That means no music, no internet, no tv, no food. Just sitting and observing what happens.
    - Study at 4 hours a day. That must be possible. Maybe increase as it goes I proceed. (keep up the study scheme excel sheet)
    - Limit time on Youtube and Reddit to 1 hour a day.
    - And take cold showers. (this is new to me, but I read a lot of good things about it. And I'm willing to try it)

    The time I'm typing this should actually be used to study. But I need to write this down for myself. Will start again fresh tomorrow again.
  8. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Be proud that you've managed to complete 20 days, especially in the midst of this stressful family emergency. It's great that you have identified what you've reset to and why you did. My question to you is, "why do you use Reddit anyway?".

    Would you be willing to take the plunge and not use Reddit completely? There was a time when I used Reddit to browse certain forums (not-pornographic but negative in thinking). I blocked my access to Reddit a long time ago and have never turned back since. Would you be willing to take this step?
    Mekkeren likes this.
  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hey man, just in case you forget this golden rule, don't be hard on yourself. It's simple to forget but learning to do this behavior took a long time and it may take some time to learn how to not do it. Important thing is to have a good attitude (easier said then done I know lol). But if one keeps a good attitude, one of a student of life, he will accept his slips, forgive himself (sooner or later) - make peace with the last slip - and from that point he can learn and improve his craft at the next effort will be better.

    If you've just gonna around 20 days, that's really great (seriously) ! That's a great stride. I started trying to stop PMO, consciously, when I was 25 (I'm 31 now). I had a gf back then and was PMOing all the time, on the side of our sexual relationship. At first, after learning about YBOP and NOFap (googling it totally depressed after binges), I was making about 4 or 5 days streaks. I then gave up for a whole year, and when I came back, more serious, at 26, I was making 7 day streaks, 10 day streaks and at some point I was able to make 18 days. I use to keep falling at 17 or 18 for a while. I kept trying and slowly I got better, I learned what to add next to just abstention, how that is actually more important. How the best streaks sort of happen naturally, as a symptom of real progress. Most importantly I had to learn not to go down in an incredible depression when I would slip off. I use to be so dramatic and beat myself up hard. Nowadays, when I stumble off, I still feel really bad and disappointed (usually) but I don't seem to go over the top dramatic as much. And I focus on keep on doing all the other good things I try to do, apart from staying off the P.

    Anyways, all this to say that this thing may take some time for some. For others, progress comes quicker. We are all a different riddle. The fact that you went 20 days, and you wrote somewhere earlier in your journal you've done 30 days, are really good signs.

    Sexual reward is a strong chemical process in your brain. At the point of edging (especially if done for a few days) you're mind becomes impaired by the drug. It's very hard, pretty much impossible, at that point to stop the cycle. Addiction is a cycle and the first step comes way before the final external acting out. The first steps towards a new slip up are way more subtle. Uncomfortable emotions, negative self talk. Many times when we are on a long streak we are able to defuse a new acting out phase. We sometimes don't even know it, but guided by the right motivation for change (a vision) we do the right thing. We disconnect sooner then later. The later you try to disconnect, the harder it is.

    Anyways, this was a bit of a ramble but I hope it can help a bit. It's a lot of usual and basic advice so if you know most of it, consider I've written it for myself :)

    Keep trying man, you're doing really good !
    Mekkeren likes this.
  10. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Yes, 20 days is actually not bad thinking about it now. I hope to enhance it even further.

    I already limited my Reddit use significantly with the stayfocusd extension on chrome. And I might want to block it entirely in a while. But I need something to take my mind of things sometimes. Something where I don't really have to think during my leisure time between studying (maybe I should just sit and do nothing, but that is kind of boring and I want to stay in touch with the world in some way).

    I am beginning to realize this as well through all the stuff I read of successful rebooters and people in general. If you are your own best friend you want the best for yourself and don't want to be stuck in this awful addiction. That means acknowledging that you are human and imperfect. Slip-ups happen we just have to shrug it off. That is what I'm trying to do now each time it happens.

    Very true! I still need a clear vision. I'm working on it.

    Furthermore, today was the funeral of my grandma. And I had the opportunity to talk. That meant talking to 260 people in a small church, which is very nervewracking but I still did it in the style of getting out of the comfort zone. But the whole experience of a funeral is never comfortable so I did not really have a choice of staying in the comfort zone.

    The whole funeral was beautiful by the way. But I'm glad it is over cause I was really not looking forward to it. And now I have closure in a certain sense.

    I'm exhausted by the whole thing not sure really why. Maybe the high emotions, high tension and all the social interactions through the day.

    But the good news is that I have no urge whatsoever.
  11. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Day 9

    Haven't posted here in a while, even tho I said I would. But I don't have that much to mention I'm doing fine in my reboot. Urges are there, but they are easier to handle. Relapsing seems less exciting the more I think about it. Which I do during the hours of solitude which leave me feeling very good, present and connected. The last time I relapsed it was actually kind of boring browsing the same old videos I know.

    My energy is pretty low at the moment. Maybe it is because I'm entering the flatline. But this concept is still pretty vague to me cause I don't really recall experiencing it in my last streak. Then again it is different for everyone. Maybe I just have to eat something.

    Everything I planned in my second last post is going pretty well. I sport almost every day switching between cardio and muscle exercise. I take cold showers every day and I'm really starting to like them. Makes me feel like a man white-knuckling through the hardship. But they are getting easier as well. My skin feels really sensitive after I have taken one. Don't know what is up with that.
    The only thing that is still not going that well is studying. I really limited my youtube time and I blocked Reddit entirely but still, it takes a lot of effort to study. I sometimes rather do nothing than study for hours lol. My plan now is to just lock myself in the library every day and go through study phases of 25 minutes and then breaks of 5 minutes. I first try to to do that for 3 hours every day and slowly raise the level of study time.
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  12. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Day 10

    I locked myself up in the library today in the morning. Managed to study pretty well unit 14:00 then I got hungry and went home. And stayed home thinking I could study here. Which is very much not the case. Roommates and TV are very big distractions. As well as food. If I don't have the motivation to study I just get some food "to get energy '' which is really just another way of procrastination.

    I looked up some NSFW pictures at some point during the day. I quickly blocked the site but after that, the craving where very strong and are still there in some degree. I'm going to exercise soon that will probably take the edge off the cravings.

    I've been thinking as of lately that I spend a lot of time either thinking about the future or dwelling in the past. My ratio is somewhere like 35-5-60 in thinking about past-present-and future. Either the thoughts go like "if I just had done this...I would have that...'' or ''if I succeed in this and that, I would be happy''. I'll be trying to swift that ratio more to the present. It is, of course, good to think about your past mistakes (when it comes to relapses) and how you are going to do it differently in the future. But often times I notice I keep repeating the same thought lots of time without it adding any more value.
    By doing meditation and exercise I hope to change that little by little. Be more present and aware during the day.
    As for this reboot, I will take it day by day and maybe set little goals for myself to feel good(as right now 10 day is a good accomplishment :)). Cause the 90 days can only happen I think if you don't think too much about it.
  13. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Fack, I have looked at clips again to buy and cam-sites. Feel myself slipping again. Need to keep up the good habits and not be alone at home which is a very big trigger to relapse.
    For now, I will get away from my computer for a bit cause I still feel the urges.
  14. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Day 14

    Made it through the last two day, fortunately. The urges were very strong. But I got a great tip for a no-fapper I met in the wild. Just don't fap to porn. That's how he did it for a year. And it might actually be that simple. When overthinking the urges you make them bigger than they actually are.

    I just need to not think about it and work on other things, like my study.

    Still keeping up mediation, cold showers and exercise. Feels great :)
  15. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    I recently have been looking at femdom clips again. It seems like I subconsciously just want someone to take the control out of my hand.

    Trigger warning:
    In all my horniness I've bought a blackmail clip. In which I should send my personal info to a 'goddess' including an embarrassing picture. For some reason, this got me really excited the adrenaline was pumping and my heart was in my throat. Just when I had to send it I came to my senses of the consequences. But even realizing this made me not stop looking at clips again the next day.

    So I haven't fully relapsed, but it is still a set-back and something I need to be wary of. Especially at night and in the morning. Laptop stay outside my room at those times. And I study in the library.

    My dick makes me do really stupid things. I can never trust that guy. It is day 17 and I'm incredibly horny. But I can not act out in any way since I have to study for my last exam this year on Thursday. I know about the concept of sexual transmutation. I should really study that. Cause my mind keeps being distracted by flashbacks of stuff that I have watched and every woman below 50 that walks by lol.

    I think in the summer vacation I will focus on altering my life little by little. To start with approach more girls. Do the title of my journal justice. And hopefully, find a girl to rewire with. In addition, start investing more time in consequently creating music again. As a replacement for Porn. And don't get upset with yourself if you make something you don't like. Which has happened in the past, leading up to a relapse.

    For now, I should just keep up the habit of taking cold showers and meditating in the morning and studying through the day. And after 21:00 no more internet. A little bit extreme but it is for the best.
  16. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    I relapsed Thursday. Not much to say about that. I was hungover and it just happened. I shrug it off as a slip-up. Did not continue binging that day or the day after that and I have no plan of doing so. I had a little bit of brain fog and anxiety that day, but I managed to keep my cool.

    I have vacation now. Thus I have no real reason to use the internet during this time. So I will limit my use even more and try to sort out what I want to do with this time by writing it down. Pursuing some goals this summer will, in addition, keep me away from the temptation of relapsing. I use Notion Desktop to make a list of what I want to do.

    One of the things I want to do try tonight as I go out with friends. That is to approach girls and preferably without much use of alcohol. Still not sure how to go about it. But it is just about doing it. Breaking through the flinch. And don't be afraid to get rejected. I think some female contact is just what I need.
  17. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    It's too bad you had a slip on Thursday but I think your attitude, as described in this last post, is a winning ticket.

    In my opinion it's this kind of calm and understanding to the self attitude that will help us foster and manage many more good days. And as such keep making progress.

    It's cool you came back here and posted sincerely about the slips. In a way this is self forgiving. Sure you want to change such behaviors but you're not hiding them shamefully, you're not repressing them. You're accepting what happened and you're here to deal with it, to further find solutions.

    I relate to a lot of your writings - clearly the younger me relates and a lot of the actual me still does (lol).

    My dick has also put me in dangerous situations. Seems, that's the nature of addiction.

    I also think it's a good sign you have the will to go out instead of being depressed cause you slipped.

    Honestly, I've read many articles on "seductions" where they say it's better if you're not drunk. Sure you're more anxious - but you're mind is fully awake and fresh.

    The thing with anxiety is that we need to choose the "right challenge" (very hard to gage, especially when stressed). That's how a shy person becomes successfully shy. Choosing the right challenge, the right out of the comfort zone challenge - we build confidence slowly. Choose to much of a strong challenge (ex : as soon as I walk in the bar I'm gonna talk to 5 girls withing 10 mins) and you may burn out or choose too little of a challenge (I'll just walk in the bar and buy a beer) and you may withdraw. Finding the right one (for example - I'll try to just say hi to one girl tonight, even if it's just that it's a win) helps us foster the confidence. There is no comparisons here or objective standards. Only you have the authority to choose the right challenge for you. To gage your own level in sincerity and self acceptance.

    Naturally shy people who are comfortable in they're skin do this instinctively. That's why if the go to a party they start out shy but they can slowly get more and more comfortable. Or if it's clearly not they're scene they will not stay longer then necessary.

    An individual like me, on the other hand (unless I stick to this theory) - will go to a party and start out looking confident (but it's mostly an act) and I'll take on the wrong challenges, act as if I'm way cooler then I am - and slowly my energy will decrease and I'll be less and less confident and able to sustain the initial "image". I'm not accepting my shyness and I'm not, based on that acceptance, choosing the right challenges for me.

    All this is done more properly when not drunk. Drinking is a short cut that after a while doesn't work anymore (well, in my experience)..
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2019
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  18. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    I think so too. This is the place where we have to be truly honest with ourselves. Only then can we try to change what we don't like. It is pretty embarrassing to talk about your slip-ups but that is how we learn. Learn to be vulnerable and learn from our mistakes. It is actually weird that we feel so much shame even though this site is almost fully anonymous.

    I managed to talk to at least 3 girls that night. Did not really get rejected by all of them but they made it clear they had no interests. One had a boyfriend of course. One was 29 which in my opinion was not a problem but whatever and one needed to find her friend. Still had some nice conversations which I, for the most part, forgot because I did have a couple of beers. But it is some progress.
    I agree with you that we have to choose the ''right challenges''. If one aims to high with their challenge and fails, it can seriously lower their confidence the next time they try to do the same. And like you said it has to be fit for you. But often we can do more than we actually think I think. So sometimes we should take the plunge and not listen to all the stories we tell ourselves. Like we are not good enough to approach her because we do not have this and that.

    I am naturally shy and introverted. So I often do the same. Alcohol helps me keep up the act of being confident up somewhat. Like it helps many other people. If you start to pay attention to how people act you see a lot of anxiety hidden in there. I wonder if with alcohol we are more ourselves because we have less mental boundaries or if it is actually more an act? Maybe both.
    But in the end, it is very exhausting to keep up an act as you said. Better stay true to ourselves or fake it till we make it.
    Pretty all over the place reply lol.
    Anyway, next party I will go to I will take the challenge of not drinking and then seeing how it plays out. And if I manage to get up the courage talk to a girl.

    ''life shrinks and expands in proportion to one's courage" Anaïs Nin
  19. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Last night I was with some friends and we were talking about our porn use. And I said that I wanted to quit porn. They both did not see any reason to quit and did not consider it an addiction. If you can't quit for two weeks than I think you are addicted. But they just said it is not so bad.
    Of course, there are levels of addiction. They seemed to still be watching the same sort of ''mainstream'' porn. While I adventured to some other stuff that is more harmfull. I wonder why that is.

    Anyway because of they did not seem to have a problem with porn and seem to be functioning pretty well in life. I am now tempted to think this way to and go look at porn again. But then I think of all the money an time I wasted on this habit and I retreat.

    I will keep up the habits I'm trying to build(meditation and cold shower) while working on my music every day.

    That night I had a small win. So I came home Strunk from friends late at night. When this happens I almost always watch porn. But this time I sat down and did my meditation for 10 min examining my urges and my state of mind. This helped me get control of the situation and notice how tired I was. So there was no other option than getting in bed and closing my eyes.
  20. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Been feeling pretty low the last couple of days for some reason. I start thinking way too much about my past and the future. Maybe it the flatline or it is just a period I sometimes go through.

    I have been looking at clips and cam-sites again. I did not O but it is a setback. Luckily I will go on vacation tomorrow with friends for a week so there is no time to watch or think of Porn.
    I will try to enjoy it as much as I can. Cause sometimes I can get really anxious about saying the wrong things or doing the wrong things and my friends can be pretty judging. Nice guys though.

    Well, see you guys in a week then.

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