I said goodbye to my grandma yesterday. She has cancer and is probably going to die in the next few days. Usually, I don't feel too many strong emotions but, I really had a lump in my throat. But it feels good to feel something. I always would like these moments to be special but it is real life so things go clumpy. Things don't come out as I want them too. And my grandma is not the sentimental type anyways. But she did say to me there is no reason to be sad there are so many beautiful things in life. I will keep this memory very dear to me. It made me think of the things I really value. Real life connections like this are what I want. These are the only healthy way of numbing the pain of this lonely existence I think. After getting home I went to my friends and told them what happened. It felt good to share something so personal once. But after that, the night went on like it usually does. Smoking weed and drinking. Went home pretty early again cause I wasn't feeling it. Back home again I was thinking about relapsing. To feel a little comfort. But it just felt so wrong to my grandma to be sitting there jerking in front of a screen, that is not what she would like me to be, so I stopped. It isn't the real-life connection that I crave. And it never will be. Probably still going to have urges but with this, in mind, I'm sure I can beat them. PS: The exam I had yesterday went horrible. The studying went better the more I did it thanks to the tip of the study excel sheet from Chosen Undead and the plugin stayfocusd that PC suggested. But still, it went shit. Haven't learned the matter the right way and didn't sleep well the last couple days. I will work extra hard for the resit now. Stay strong guys.