A job half done is a job undone

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Mekkeren, Apr 23, 2019.

  1. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Hi yall,

    This is not the first time I have tried rebooting my brain. I think I'm already 1 year busy trying. With my furthest streak being 30 days. Sometimes I have weeks where I relapse once a week and sometimes days where I relapse 4 times a day.
    But I want to try again and this time for real. And my biggest motivation for it is this one girl that I really like. I've managed to get the nerve together with a couple of beers to ask her out on a date. And she said yes! Which is great but immediately when the realization comes that the date is actually going to happen I panic and start doubting myself and my life very much. Like I'm way out of her league. She is way to cool for me. I haven't done anything interesting in my life to show to her. But I also start doubting if this really is what I want. If I not rather want to be single? Would this truly make me happy? Isn't love only there to lead to sex so you can spread your genes.
    I think this is just my ''comfort self'' trying to justify not changing anything to the life I'm currently living. Which is easy going and does not have too many problems in it. So as soon as something like this happens, Which I hold very high cause I've liked this girl for 3 years, it panics and the only thing that is important now is that I get the girl. If not my life will be a hollow shell. I know that it sounds ridiculous but that's how I feel at the moment.
    Anyway, I feel like this made me realize that I don't want to be the person I am now for the rest of my life. Wasting away time every day with masturbation, Netflix and youtube. Feel like low on energy all the time and not really enjoying everyday stuff. I want to shape my own future and at least try to realize some of my dreams. I know I will fail a lot but I'm not that afraid of it anymore. Like I used too. I'm still really scared about the date tho but if it fails that it is.
    It still is hard for me to work on myself. I always felt that things should come naturally. That you don't have to put in too much thought and things would come to you. But that does not work. Especially when those things are porn and procrastination.

    Alright, my plan for this journal is that I write here each week or maybe more. To blabber about my life and see where I can improve. I would appreciate it if someone would read this. But I understand that you have problems of your own and don't want to hear me whine about mine haha.

    Best Regards, Mekkeren[​IMG]
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  2. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Alright, so I had a date this Wednesday. Which was a big motivation to stop PMOing. So I might get to use those superpowers which everybody is talking about. I have to say I felt pretty good and confident and the conversations went smoothly. But I think she saw it more like a friendship thing, which I'm okay with. It was already a big step for me to ask her out and was not expecting too much out of it although I hoped for it. Who knows maybe it can still become something more than a friendship. But for that, I have to get my shit together.
    When I came back from the date I was pretty drunk and still exited and in my despiration, I started visiting a cam site and had a pretty expensive session with a nice girl. I felt less shame after that than normally after finishing on Porn. Cause then I mostly watch femdom porn. Which is not beneficial for your self-love if you watch that in my experience.
    But still, it cost a shit ton of money and the next day my energy was way lower as expected. I could write it off also to the fact that I drank a lot the night before but I know that is not the only factor.
    Well the days after that I really struggled with the chaser effect. And masturbated every day sometimes multiple times a day and spend even more money on cam sites. I tried to block all of them again. But it does not matter. Because if I really search I can always find something new again. I just need self-control. For the girls!!!!!

    Song for today

    Best Regards Mekkeren
  3. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Welcome aboard. Sounds like there is a bunch of stuff going on for you. Do you find once you've put filters in you try to ‘test’ them to see if they work?

  4. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Hey PC,

    Thanks for reading. Yes, I often try to 'test' them or to find a way around them. Which is actually very stupid to do, because then I know were to go if I'm on the verge of relapsing. But now I think I sealed it off pretty nicely. The sites I used to visit the most are all blocked and there is no way of unblocking them :) Also on my phone. And apps as Reddit or tinder I have deleted from my phone. But this is just to be safe it will still take a lot of mental effort to stop PMO!

  5. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Yeah man. What you don’t realize is that when you are ‘testing them’ you are on the verge of a relapse. It just hasn’t happened yet. For me they are like a parachute. I really hope I don’t need it and it’s only for emergencies. I use a separate email for all those accounts with a random password that sits in a note book in my shed.

    You might want to take a brake from the booze while you are trying to do this. Are you seeing your date again?

    Mekkeren likes this.
  6. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    You are totally right. They are just for safety measures. I should not rely on them too much. Quitting booze for a while might not be that bad of an idea. I can at the same time then check the benefits of doing that. As for the date, we haven't planned a second one. But might going to hang out with a group of people. Not too sure how that would work out. But we'll see :)

    Professor Chaos likes this.
  7. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    I'd like to chime in and say filters do not work. Filters and anti-pornography software is only good for limiting exposure or preventing accidental viewing, but if you are actively seeking it out or trying to find a way around it, you will indeed find a way. As I have written on my journal, the best way to be successful in the reboot is to use your own willpower.
    Mekkeren likes this.
  8. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Yes exactly. I Will read your journal. Strong willpower is what I ultimately want. That's is one of the goals of doing this. I have to say it has been hard today. As soon as I have to do something important. In this case, deliver an assignment today before 23:59, I get drawn to the pleasures of porn. And thereby procrastinate on what I have to do. This requires a lot of willpower because I have to stay on my laptop for the assignment. I think I will take a break every 25 minutes and move away from the laptop for 5 min or something. To put things in perspective.
  9. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    The gradual improvement of willpower is a slow process. It takes time, both mentally and physically (as in our frontal lobes grow during our young adult hood). Though you can never really block yourself from pornographic content, you can take efforts to make it extremely difficult to access. What I have done is install filters that are extremely difficult to get around and require time. I won't go into the complexity of these efforts, but I can assure you, it comes with several sacrifices one is willing to make.
    Professor Chaos and Mekkeren like this.
  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Yeah man. Usage of P to manage stress and workload. I don’t think I really had a perspective on how I used to use it to manage any sort of pressure. There’s a great line in the movie Don Jon where he talks about how P makes him numb. So he can’t feel anything.

    Learning how to manage pressure, in social situations, at work and yes even in romantic encounters is so important and P will stunt that growth. I think that’s why so many guys on here clam to have social anxieties, it’s about running away from pressure.

    Good luck dude. You got this.

    Mekkeren likes this.
  11. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Thanks guys, you really help to realize me that I need to do this! Your comments are much appreciated. It's time to grow up!

    Good luck to you aswell.
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  12. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Well, it happened again. I really did not want to post here about it. But I should not lie to you guys and myself. And by typing here I can learn my triggers and thought patterns.
    It started this morning when I woke up out of a wet dream where I was fucking a succubus. After that, I started looking on the internet for a picture that looked like her<------Very dumb mistake.
    Consequently, I started slipping ( you know the drill). And just as I wanted to walk away and made my mind up. I gave in one last time and relapsed.
    This once more proofs that filters are not the solution only a mere limiter. Although I updated them even more now, just to be sure.
    The brain fog is already creeping in again. To still make the most out of this day I will not spend any time on the Internet and will study and read instead.
    Furthermore, I will try to pick up the habit of meditating each day to start with at least 6 min. And make sure that this will not happen again. Aswell as make a study schedule to give me a grip on what I have to do.
    I will probably see the girl I went on a date with again Friday. The more reason to quit porn forever and pick up healthy habits and grow as a person. For the girls!!!
  13. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    I'm sorry about your recent reset, but it's great that you are honest with what happened. I often found myself resetting and relapsing more when I started lying more and not being truthful about what had happened. I'm going to follow your journal posts routinely now to help you along the way on this journey.

    Brain fog is a common occurrence commonly after a reset/relapse. One thing that helps me avoid resets and relapsing is to remember the unpleasant side-effects that happen once I'm done PMO'ing. These include brain fog, depression, no motivation to do anything, poor posture, dried skin and facial appearance, etc. Just thinking of this feeling reaffirms that I don't want to go through with a PMO session.

    Always be cautious after a wet dream, as you likely know, you will experience the chaser effect. It's when you have a high sensitivity to triggers. Though your filters have helped you limit your exposure, you intentionally sought out P and P-subs which of course made you reset.

    One thing I've noticed is that you are doing this for "women" or to "get girls". I've noticed this as a common goal for many rebooters, though it rarely works out for anyone with an addiction to pornography. In my opinion, you should find an internal goal as to why you want to reboot. For example, my goals are:

    • I want to stay away from pornography or masturbation, because it does not reflect what I believe or who I am. To engage in these behaviors will lead me down a path of little motivation and failure, one I can't really afford to have anymore.
    Mekkeren likes this.
  14. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    I would really appreciate it if you would do that :) It is always good to know that you are not alone in this. Yes in a way it is good that it happened I for sure don't want to feel again like I did yesterday. Unfocused and unmotivate. And I'll be extra cautious from now on if I have a wet dream.
    And I understand your point about the getting girls is the wrong goal if you want to get rid of the addiction. By not getting it immediately as you get in porn, it is easy to get pulled back to it again. But it is something I intrinsically want and most people I think. All the self-improvement is in my viewpoint to be more attractive to mates and ultimately spread your genes ;)
    But you are right I should shift my attention away from it. Because it will only leave me frustrated. "As soon as you stop wanting something you get it". (I don't think I can change the title of the journal but I leave it like that for now)
    I like your goal. I'm going to write one for myself as well. I'll think about it tonight.

    For now, stay strong!

    Professor Chaos likes this.
  15. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    I have to finish an assignment again for tonight. And I keep procrastinating it the whole time until the last day. ( Typing this is also procrastinating) This is when I mostly go back to Porn. But I won't do it today. That is behind me. Now I just have to finish this fucking assignment!
    Chosen Undead likes this.
  16. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    I've noticed this today in myself as well. I often retort to pornography when I'm bored and/or have nothing to do. If I have the whole home to myself, then forget it.

    Procrastinating isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes you need a day off. Sometimes you need a day to just do nothing so your mind can decompress. I spent the entire day today browsing online forms and watching YouTube videos. I think I earned it after an exhausting mental trip for the past 2 years.

    PS: Would you like to be accountability partners?
    Last edited: May 17, 2019
  17. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Yeah, it is always the same pattern. Better try to avoid it as much as you can. If you are alone at home, maybe go out for a little bit.

    And I recently took a day off like that as well. But then without any internet connection what so ever. Just to get my head straight. Instead, I read a book "21 lessons for the 21st Century" form Yuval Noah Harari (It is really good, but kind of worrying sometimes). And make a plan for what I was going to do this week. Sadly I did not follow through with my plan but the Idea is there. I should still work on that.

    We should help each other as much as we can. Not sure what accountability partner inclines and what I can give you. But I'm here for you man. Sad to see that you relapsed. Edging is always dangerous. I've done it yesterday as well. But it only leaves me dissatisfied and bothered. And the thought of how I feel after cumming makes it so not worth it.

    It looks like a part of us still does not really want to give up Porn. We should find a way that we don't even think about Porn anymore as desirable. Make a new life for ourselves. This post might help as it did for a lot of people: (https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/for...ughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post.15558/) Let's get back on the horse again!!
    Chosen Undead likes this.
  18. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Hey Mekkeren, it's been a while since you've posted on here. I was just wondering how you were doing?
  19. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Hey, chosen undead. Glad you are still here. Yeah sorry did not really have to time and I, unfortunately, relapsed again. Feels so dumb after all the things I've said about bettering myself and then I do this.
  20. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Day 2:

    Alright, day 2 I'm going to try again and I will post every day even if I don't have anything to say.

    I'm going to be honest with you guys here. I've been checking out cam sites the last view days. I've got bored with Porn and this was way more exciting cause it felt I had sort of a real connection. They could see me and I could see them and they told me I looked good and they liked my cock. Probably also so I felt comfortable and they could make money off of me. But it did feel honest.
    Even tho it felt pretty good and I don't really feel guilty about it. It did cost a shit ton of money and I wasted time doing it which I should actually spend on studying if I want to pass this module.

    I know that if I want to get rid of this behavior I should really examine myself and dig deep into why I do these kinds of things. Why I do the behavior that ultimately damages me and I know that they do but still do anyway.

    I feel like I just need some LOVE and BELONGING (just like everybody else). This has projected itself in sex in my mind. ''If I could just get it I would feel better.'' I even thought about meeting up with a girl and paying her to have sex. I'm a virgin btw.

    I think I first need to work on myself before I can ever make someone else happy and give love. Thus be happy and proud of who I am. Porn is not something can stay if I want that. Instead, I want to focus on my study and making music.

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