A group of 8 men [GROUP]

Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by cadcard, Aug 23, 2012.

  1. JustDoIt

    JustDoIt Never give up, Never give up!, NEVER GIVE UP!

    Re: A group of 8 men

    Had to reset my P-counter a second time (for same thing basically). I have a really thick skull and guess not healed from the addiction yet... :eek: ;D Been busy but also took a couple days to journal this as was trying to decide whether I needed to reset P count. My pride is really slowing me down with being transparent. Afraid you guys will dis-respect me because I'm still struggling with looking at some images that cause me to get aroused. Tryin to change that. Know inside it doesn't really matter what you guys think( :) ) and I need to do these things for myself.

    On the flip side, had some great experiences over the last couple days that I wouldn't have got involved with if I was drugging up with PMO.

    Journal: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=2665.msg50609#msg50609
     
  2. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Re: A group of 8 men

    Never gonna happen mate. Not from me, anyways. I've been there, and to say I absolutely KNOW I'll never be there again would be a lie. I have to tackle this thing one day at a time (hate to go all '12-step' on ya there...but I think they say that stuff for a reason!).

    The fact is - life is full of erotic images. I am going to run into them from time to time. (Hell, I've seen advertising images out in public that are every bit as stimulating as things I've PMOd to on the web, once upon a time!) And I have friends who have posted things to my Facebook page that are pushing the P-boundaires pretty hard. (Hell, you don't even have to go looking for the shit these days; it finds YOU!)

    So, I have to accept that the erotic images are not going to go away entirely. I can't control that. What I CAN control is what I do if/when I see them. The fact that your MO counter is still going strong seems to indicate you already know that too.

    Appreciate your honesty man. I'd say you're still doing great!
     
  3. cadcard

    cadcard Guest

    Re: A group of 8 men

    Unfortunetly our primative brains desires are strong. The rational brain gives in too easily sometimes regardless of the addiction. I remember giving up smoking, the cravings were coming every 5 minutes. It was maddening. I've had this the last few days with PMO. Hang in there.
     
  4. JustDoIt

    JustDoIt Never give up, Never give up!, NEVER GIVE UP!

    Re: A group of 8 men

    Appreciate you guys, thanks for helping me carry that load. Honesty is so counter intuitive! It's nice you guys are hanging in there too!

    cadcard, know whatcha mean about the cravings every few min. Feels like you're a punching bag. This one got me with a sucker punch! :p And yeah, totally agree on that gentlemanly thing. Gotten to know some great guys outside recovery that I really respect. Initially was hard for me to understand, but have come to realize that they have some kind of natural distaste for porn and just don't go there because of it. Remember trying to find that feeling in myself and lacking. Hoping to generate it by turning my anger toward what the addiction has taken from me.

    JDoe, "yup" on the triggers everywhere bit. Tends to make me angry. After banging head on wall, I keep coming back to what you said, I gotta accept my own responsibility. Kills me that with this current issue. I have a rather legitimate interest, but instead, my path thru the addiction prevents me from going places I should be able to go. Gotta remember to damn my bad choices that got me here rather than damn myself! :) And about the 12 step sayings... preach 'em dude! So many of 'em I recoiled from at first hearing, then later humbly realized how true they were. It's all in yur perspective... 8)
     
  5. fedup

    fedup New Member

    Re: A group of 8 men

    Fell off the wagon, right on my face!!! Angry, anxious and scatter brained... not pleased w/myself but time to move down the road and continue on my journey.

    "I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate." Paul

    Regards
     
  6. JustDoIt

    JustDoIt Never give up, Never give up!, NEVER GIVE UP!

    Re: A group of 8 men

    Yeah man, come on back up on the wagon! 1 Cor 10:13 "..such as is common to man". How's it goin with missin your dad?

    What happened with the fall?
     
  7. JustDoIt

    JustDoIt Never give up, Never give up!, NEVER GIVE UP!

    Re: A group of 8 men

    JDoe, thanks for the mention in your journal about coming home and facing alone time with your computer. (http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=2047.msg50498#msg50498)

    What timing! Everyone just left for a few hours and the same little fly came buzzing around my head too. What a siren call. Grabbed me by the gut. Remembered your post and the fact that I've got stuff on the roof to fix while it's a sunny day.

    So goin roofin... (1 Cor 10:13 "and with the temptation, a way of escape so you may bear it").
     
  8. fedup

    fedup New Member

    Re: A group of 8 men

    "Yeah man, come on back up on the wagon! 1 Cor 10:13 "..such as is common to man". How's it goin with missin your dad?

    What happened with the fall?"

    Honeslty, think I just got distracted from my objectives and felling into the old route- looking for comfort & "the high".
    I do view this as a life journey and don't feel that all the good is erased by a stumble, just pisses me off. I find myself doing a lot of mental searching for ways to move on from this. I do accept the mental physiology of addiction/craving, but I also believe there is a spiritual side that is missing/out of whack(no pun intended). I am not sure if I can properly explain, but I feel like I am having "spiritual warfare" going on within me- I feel I am powerless to overcome w/o surrendering this to God, but seems everytime that I do, I have placed a target on my ass for Satan to have a party. To me, seems he could care less (Satan) until I reach-out, then it's game on.
    Please understand me, I am not wanting a theology bash. I personally do not care for religion, I do, however care deeply for my faith in Christ.
     
  9. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Re: A group of 8 men

    CGB - you be careful on that roof dude! (I once watched a guy get up on my corrugated steel roof in a pair of well-worn Crocs. Let's just say it didn't end well!) ::)

    I resonated strongly with what you said, fedup. I also believe this is a lifelong journey, and there is a strong spiritual aspect to this for me as well. Though I may have a different way of connecting with God or The Universe or whatever anyone wants to call it - I think we're all tapping into the same thing. The names may be different, but those are just labels created by men. They don't change what IT is.
    Personally, I don't care much for religion either...as it seems to be hell bent on building artificial boundaries between people, or between people and the world around them, or between people and the very thing (God, Universe, etc.) that they themselves are a part of and infinitely connected to. To me, it's like a drop in the ocean arguing with another drop in the ocean over who is more connected to the ocean. Fucking ridiculous! They are ALL PART of the ocean.
    Anyway... (sorry, went off on a little tangent there) ;)

    I think getting beyond this thing means tapping into something bigger. Whatever that is for any man, I say "dive in!"

    Keep going strong guys! 8)
     
  10. fedup

    fedup New Member

    Re: A group of 8 men

    Thank you, JDoe, you're a good man. I spent my teens and my 20's on bikes- mostly motocross, hair scrambles, turkey runs... never on the street. Never could get my head back after a bad injury... still have thoughts of getting back into it, just not sure I want my kids exposed. They both share in my passion for speed, we just are focusing on the 4 wheel type. Spending time building a "resto-mod" car... guess we just have a thing for "the high", one form or another.
     
  11. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Re: A group of 8 men

    Thanks bud...feeling is mutual. I understand what you're saying about the safety aspect and having kids. It's a tough one...especially after you've come off the bike and injured yourself. (I've come off the bike a few times myself, but luckily never anything serious.)
    I love vintage everything...so the resto-mod sounds like something I'd be right into. ;)
    All the best mate.
     
  12. JustDoIt

    JustDoIt Never give up, Never give up!, NEVER GIVE UP!

    The Need For Speed

    Seems appropriate here to mention that though I'm not into bikes (way too 2D for me!), I do have a Private Pilot License 8) . They always say here that 2D relationships are BAD, but 3D are OK, and planes are definitely 3D... ;D ).

    When I first started recovery meetings, my 60+ aunt started taking flying lessons. Given that I'd wanted to fly since a child :eek: , couldn't pass up the challenge and started training. Only mention it because I credit having to buckle down for the classwork as a major help in staying on the beam at that time. Hand of God, as my Aunt quickly gave up on it, but I hung in there! Anyway I bought a 1956 Cessna 175 and flew it around for 10 years. The last 5 I hangared at a grass field.

    Also have to humbly bet I've beat your personal ground speed records, as I once had a ground speed of 175 mph due to a 50+ mph wind speed at like 10,000 ft. :)

    I'll only mention three incidents about my 3D life... Two weeks after flying the plane home, one of the cylinders cracked open in flight and the engine started smokin. :eek: ??? :p ... Found a field (fortunately as was flying in heavy pop area), had to avoid a house and power lines, and touched down on an upslope field narrowly missing trees by God's grace. No cuts or bruises, but took a year to get the engine and front gear fixed (I'd run thru a field gate at the end) :p .

    Second was on a trip back from a major metro area in the evening. Started to snow just at early dusk. Descended lower and lower to avoid, but so did the snow. No more room to go down.. :eek: ??? :p . Thank God for GPS. Flew to closest airport. All their runway lights were broke and being repaired except the approach lights in the shape of a cross. Landed in the snow as the last daylight began to fade. The only people there were leaving to go home, but heard the plane landing so hung around. Had to leave the plane because of the storm and had to take a bus home to get back to work :( . Very happy for the inconvenience tho, as the alternative inconvenience would have been even less fun... ;)

    Rounding off those is a time flying back from Chicago at 11,000 ft. NO bumps, clear sky above, lazy cumulous clouds scattered below, glowing waning sunshine everywhere. Could take my hands off the controls and let it go and just sit there taking it all in. I'd wanted to get up to the clouds since a child. Sitting in my recliner up in the sky, above the clouds, with no worries or cares (other than fuel and pee level :D )...
     
  13. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Re: A group of 8 men

    Nice one CGB!
    My dad flew for a while. Funny he gives me hell for riding a bike. Shoot, at least my vehicle is still on the ground...well, most of the time. ;)

    For me, the bike is less about speed than it is about that meditative state I get into when I'm all alone on some beautiful winding country road...just feeling the wind and getting into the zone. It's bliss. I guess that Chicago trip you mentioned is just the airborne equivalent.

    Here's a vid I particularly love...sums it up pretty good: http://vimeo.com/16981453
     
  14. JustDoIt

    JustDoIt Never give up, Never give up!, NEVER GIVE UP!

    Re: A group of 8 men

    Interesting video JD. Excellent videography too.

    Yeah, it's the environment for me rather than the speed. Relate to the just goin somewhere! Would just fly somewhere to see what it looked like from the air. Wish we had time for me to bore you with stories! From a child, wanted to touch the clouds. Major shock when I found they were just like fog. (Stupid when you think about it, but thought they were more dense ::) .) Loved flying at night above the lights. Dude, almost like the plane wasn't there, but I was. My biggest impression after I got my license was that there were no boundaries. Awesome free feeling. Know you bikers feel that too, and especially the "bike not there" thing with your "open cockpit" effect :) :) :) . Shoot, reminds me someone took me up in an open cockpit plane. like a bike, just a little bit farther to fall if yu upend it... ;D

    Loved the Japanese guy's comment at the end of the clip that he felt like he was flying when he drove the bike 8) . I flew the plane as an extention of myself. Definitely have that feeling in a confortable vehicle to this day. I drive now by the seat of my pants - by the control pressures and balance of my body in the seat, like I would when flying. Gotta be the heart-on of riding a bike. Seriously, the best lasting benefit of my life as a pilot! :) :) Warms me up just remembering it! I think flying is an innate desire of many.

    However, my folks would take me at about 1-2 yrs old with 'em to the airport often on weekends when they just wanted to sit and watch the planes take off. I used to fly in my dreams, and thought my hands worked like ailerons when I ran on the playground in grade school. ;D Got me beat up a couple times till I learned how to make the bullies laugh instead.. :p
     
  15. fedup

    fedup New Member

    Re: A group of 8 men

    Checking in, all good here... plugging along and staying busy.
    Hope y'all are doing well.
     
  16. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Re: A group of 8 men

    80 days today...unreal. Still here guys. Hope you all are staying strong.

    I have to say, I think it's finally reached the point of being easy. Turning back now would just be too unthinkable.
     
  17. StopThePorno

    StopThePorno S₮O₱ ₱OṘ₦

    Re: A group of 8 men

    Just an update for you guys, and hoping everyone is doing good.


    Day 3 ---- Suicidal thoughts for a few minutes after some social anxiety shit. Social anxiety is getting me fucking depressed. If porn is the culprit, I hate it even more now.

    Usually this would be when I was the most vulnerable, PMO'ing a few times in a row. That's out of the question now, a non-option.
     
  18. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Re: A group of 8 men

    There sure seems to be a lot of anecdotal evidence regarding a link between PMO addiction and social anxiety mate. I would not be surprised at all if a link is eventually established between the two.

    The only real way to know, for you, is to stay clean...
     
  19. StopThePorno

    StopThePorno S₮O₱ ₱OṘ₦

    Re: A group of 8 men

    Day 6 ---- FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKK. FUCK. I relapsed. I fucking relapsed and let everybody and myself down. Yesterday I saw a girls ass with panties on, almost edged. Today, it fucked me over. My mind fucked me over. I was trying to "test" like a retard and went on a porn site. Found a really beautiful girl stripping.

    Next thing I know, I jerked off THROUGH MY JEANS. Yes, through my jeans. That was a first. At least I made progess, I would never finish that fast especially through my jeans.

    Porn addiction is powerful man. It's like heroin for sure. How the fuck can years of doing this since the age of 9 NOT have any effects on our dopamine receptors. Some psychologists think it's still a "compulsion". Retards.

    Dammit. Let's start again.
     
  20. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Re: A group of 8 men

    Chalk it up as a learning experience man. Brush off the dust, and get back on the horse. We've all been there.
    Now you know a little more about yourself. That a good thing.
    NO TESTING! ;)

    Psychologists can think whatever the fuck they want to think. If you look at the history of just about anything medical/psychological/scientific - you'll find countless examples of where it took years (even centuries) for science to catch up with what people with common sense already knew. I think science is more about EXPLAINING phenomena than it is about DISCOVERING them. (Unfortunately, this means that science has a tendency to deny the existence of anything it cannot yet explain!) ::)

    Once upon a time, the Earth was flat... ;D
     

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