A Good Path

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by fcjl8, Nov 19, 2012.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is awesome.

    The roller coaster is because you are more vulnerable now. You feel more. This continues for me and I have to remind myself that life is SO much better now than when I was indulging in fantasy.

    Peace bro'.
    Billy B. likes this.
  2. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    This is so true Saville. Of course I spent so much of my life in a PMO stupor. Avoiding these emotions at all cost... wanking away to keep the dopamine drip going. Life is much more raw now, some days have very hard edges to them. I still will take this over the disassociation of pornography and masturbation... raw and emotional I can work through and will ultimately benefit me. That old haze is rubbish and false on every level.

    HeyRevolver, I know what you meant and thanks... unfortunately I dread our long cold and grey winters... they really hurt my mood... used to love skiing and snowmobiling and playing in the winter... oh well.

    Clean today... maybe a bit of heightened libido for my wife last night but she was exhausted and had to be up early today... I was also really tired so that was fine... I am actually thinking of going 30-40 days of total no O. I would probably be about 10 days since last O with my wife which was oral and not PIV.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    When I was in the throes of P and M I used to joke to people: "I don't ask my wife for sex anymore in case she says yes." Men of my age used to laugh a lot at that quip. Why, because most of them weren't having any kind of regular sex life, anymore. I remember in my 30's I used to feel "too tired" for sex. I would M and then call it a night. Thankfully, I can't imagine that mind-set, anymore.

    I haven't had oral from the wife for years. She does pay some attention to it, but then we get on with PIV. She did used to give me hand jobs and offers them still, but I always say no. I find that the O after a hand job is not at all the same as PIV. I think while oral and hand jobs get the job done, and can feel awesome, it isn't the same to the mind of an addict, or anyone for that matter. The last hand job I had left me feeling depressed for three days. Being skin to skin with someone you love can not be replicated, nor replaced.

    Love your energy these days, brother.
  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Absolutely agree with this, man. One of my excuses for staying away has been, "don't have time", but if ever there was a good use of our time, sharing our journey on these pages is it.
    I like your "fire hardening iron" metaphor. Being strong when we don't feel like it makes it easier for the next time.
    Billy B. likes this.
  5. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Thanks Saville... your statements regarding non PIV intimacy are right on in my experience... I am going to try no O for a full 30-40 days... I have done this before and found it beneficial.

    Hi Moz, glad you agree on us being stronger together. Man.. I will help you in any way to break these chains.

    Took my wife to a festival in a neighboring town... I felt very out of sorts... low energy... totally uncomfortable with the big crowds of people... anyway my wife enjoyed it immensely and the walk, sun and general stepping into discomfort was probably good for me.
    Billy B. likes this.
  6. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You aren't sure? ;) Yes, it was good for you. People like us are going to feel low energy and hate crowds. A number of times when the wife and I were on vacation I had to force myself to do things. A couple of times I was not enjoying my day, at all. But, I reminded myself that I have the power to enjoy the moments in front of me. Just by telling myself that turned the day around. :)
  8. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Thanks guys.. and of course you are right Saville. We have the choice to stay present... to just be here now. I do not know why I choose to forget this at times?

    Hey Revolver, it is all part of the process... as uncomfortable as it can feel at times. I am recovering just not as fast as I would like.

    Today... Sunday. My wife had to be at work early I dropped her off. Home.. small breakfast.. my best friend called to ask if I wanted a ride to church as his family was fast asleep. Nice service and message... then we went to a very crowded restaurant for lunch...yikes... did I ever mention I hate crowds.

    This afternoon I went for almost 5km of cardio... followed by push ups. Will do some light weights later. Tomorrow a big job looms... will try to enjoy and embrace it.

    No challenges on the PMO front... still thinking 30-40 days of total no O is a good option.
  9. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Yes. Hey Revolver... my anxiety is worry about "the future"... my depression is often guilt about "the past"... my rational mind knows neither of these exist. Breathing, prayer and meditation really help... as does reading the Bible for me. Staying away from PMO and fantasy really helps.

    I did not journal yesterday... accomplished a tough job. Am working or at least trying to work on another challenging project right now. I am on my chosen path of freedom from PMO.
  10. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    fcjl8 -- thank you for staying with me here. You are as a true a friend as I have online!

    I appreciate you and cherish your honesty with me -- and your honesty with yourself. I dare say, "I love you."

    Again, thank you for being you.
  11. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    In the spirit of full disclosure and becoming the authentic man I want to be I must sadly disclose how close I came to a full blown relapse yesterday.. and after a strong 60 days. It was P-Subs... still images... leading farther and farther towards P. It only lasted a few minutes and I caught it before it became full blown PMO.

    This will not happen again. I discussed it with my wife this morning... we both noted that we had not had any intimacy for 3 weeks... that is no excuse whatsoever.

    Sorry guys... I think I must count this as a mess up...
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Great job catching it before it got too far, fcjl8. I'm not sure it's a mess-up, but only you can judge. I think PMO is a mess up and then M is perhaps a lesser mess (to clean) up.

    Be fierce, my friend.
  13. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    FCJ well done on stopping before it got too far, making that public admission would be really hard for me. In my experience that sort of thing still takes some effort to stay away from.

    Stay Strong and Stay Clean
  14. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I totally understand what happened...this will always be a danger, but you caught it. Be extra careful for at least 2 weeks.
    Saville likes this.
  15. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Thanks guys... I did catch it. It was literally minutes and my wife was home at the time, my greatest dangers are total alone time and those I feel are stronger than ever right now. I had to confess to my real life accountability partner yesterday morning... he also confessed to me that he slipped two nights in a row. We have set up a system where we text to each other the minute any urge comes up... we do not need an immediate reply just the act of texting is meant to snap us out of it... like the old rubber band trick.

    Although it was as grey heron mentioned a "close shave" it was my conscious decision. No one made me look at P-subs... I chose that... I must evaluate and try to understand why? Especially at 60 days... I know my libido is high right now as we have abstained from intimacy for a few weeks... maybe I have to reevaluate this total no O thing that I was trying for 30-40 days??? I think I need lots of close loving physical intimacy with my wife and if an O happens so be it. My wife has this weekend off work so Friday night would be ideal then I am still with her for two days if I feel rough.

    By the way... was at my doctors yesterday. We decided to add wellbutrin to my current course of lexapro, today is the first day I am trying this combo. Hoping and praying that the wellbutrin helps my depression and gives me more of a pick up than the lexapro.
  16. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Hello there, just popping in to say hi, but don't often read the posts in the 40s section. I like your quote "we have to keep this in our lives in order to keep it from our lives". Lovely avatar pic too. The fox is cunning... he always outsmarts everyone ;-)
    fcjl8 likes this.
  17. gymaddict

    gymaddict Member

    So sorry FCJ, but we all know the drill well on blips and falls off the purity wagon. Our mens group is studying the White Book of Sexaholics Anonymous which is a great read that I would recommend to anyone. We are all considering a group purchase of Covenant Eyes porn blocking software because all of us men know the draw of porn when our minds, bodies, our spirit, and everything about us seem to be crying out for viewing nudity and porn.

    Our discussion recently was on lust, and many men said that lust is a spirit fabricated by hell itself that demands more and more to feed that unGodly hellbent spirit.

    Your honesty is refreshing and so is the honesty of your accountability partner. In this war of our flesh, men need other men who understand and bolster us, and yet who encourage us and sometimes even confront us to advance to a new level of sobriety and purity.

    Bless you. I agree with Saville. I view this as a CATCH as much as a fall, but again, the advice of those on this site is right on, you and each of us in total honesty in our falls off the wagon/our temptations need to be the judge.
    fcjl8 likes this.
  18. over_it

    over_it Active Member

    I don't subscribe to that kind of religious thinking at all, in fact I am allergic to it...each to their own though.

    FCJ I think you did good because a small slip up is so much better than a relapse and it sounds like you have learned from it. I have found it's all too easy to get complacement, then almost look at images out of 'curiosity' after a long P free streak.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a plan! :)
    Billy B. likes this.
  20. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Thanks Saville, over_it, gymaddict, TheScribian and HeyRevolver, You guys are awesome and have my respect.

    Friday morning and working alone at home. I am strong and have no urges... have not since the other night. It is past and was not full PMO but that does not matter... I choose today... and mercifully there is no temptation anyway.

    It is the choice we make on a moment to moment basis that gives us our long term freedom. We only have each moment of now. My "now" does not include pornography!

    Peace and love brothers.
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2017
  21. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    So true! I think it's also important, as has been talked about in Wabi's journal, to silence the inner-critic. We have decades of that old bastard (inner-critic) dictating our responses. Every time I say something negative I rebuff that with a positive thought. This helps with my choices, I find. :)

  22. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    My libido was extremely high this past week following my close encounter. Last night after hanging out quietly with my wife... we went up to bed early and just hugged and then played a bit. It was nice close intimacy it did produce an O but not the desired PIV type O... but I think I really needed to get that out of the way. It was still an O with my wife... not off on some ridiculous fantasy or lie of pixels. I am thankful for our closeness and love.

    Intimacy is a sacred gift from our Creator and anytime my wife and I enjoy each other it truly displays a deeper love than mere "sex". Physical intimacy without love is a shallow imitation for me. It has taken decades for me to learn this.
    gymaddict, Billy B. and Saville like this.
  23. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    I am not experiencing any chaser effect following Sat night O with my dear wife. My libido is manageable and I feel no overt lust. This is how I want to live free from runaway compulsive lust.

    Blessings and Love
    Billy B., HeyRevolver and 40New30 like this.
  24. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I believe this. For myself, I'm still learning about what intimacy really is. I love my wife, love her face, and it still feels great to have sex with her, but I still don't always feel an intimate bond during the act. In some ways it doesn't feel safe to go there with her and she undoubtedly feels the same. I'm grateful that we are learning to love each other, again, though.

    Congrats on your growth, brother.
    Billy B. and gymaddict like this.
  25. gymaddict

    gymaddict Member

    fcjl8, Saville, 40new30 and others, I have a question for you.

    You all speak of a "chaser effect" after an orgasm with your wives. I mentioned this to the guys in my recovery group and they seemed dumbfounded at the concept.

    I, myself, have never experienced this.

    Could you guys articulate what the "chaser effect" is that follows orgasms in recovery from porn and sex addiction?
  26. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    The chaser effect means several different things and everyone's chaser effect is likely slightly different; I can see where it would be confusing.

    The original meaning is that when you O from sex (especially early on in recovery) you're triggered the next day or within the next few days to go and watch P and PMO. This tends to fade with time, and yes, I don't get this anymore...but, I have been actively rebooting for about 4 to 5 years.

    It would seem to me that chasers have also taken on a different meaning as well, and that is all the after effects of an O on the healing brain...this chaser effect typically makes you want to O again, or, your libido goes sky high for a few days, or, and in my case, the chaser brings on old withdrawal symptoms.

    For me that main withdrawal symptom brought back post O is insomnia (for about two days)...I may also have gotten some headaches here and there too.

    I know the addiction pathways are still wired in my brain because I still get withdrawals post O, when I'm rebooted this effect should fade completely. This isn't unheard of for severe cases, in fact some folks have had this effect for up to 2 to 3 years after being totally clean. Hopefully I will be done at the 2 year mark, but I am prepared to go as long as it takes.

    It's no biggie, just pat for the course. But you gotta have this information so you're ready for it, bro.

    So, chaser means different things to different people, but the main issue is that it can easily drive you back to watching P and PMO'ing.

    When I first starting rebooting my first sex O sent me running back to PMO so hard that I PMO'd 5 times within about 3 hours. It was then that I figured out how bad I had the addiction, it was f'ing scary....it felt exactly like you would imagine a serious drug addict would feel. And in actuality it is the exact same mechanism.
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2017
    Billy B. likes this.
  27. gymaddict

    gymaddict Member

    Wow, 40New30, you wrote a thesis and I am much appreciative. Thank you for taking the time to articulate what you experience and what other guys may experience.

    I am going to print out your response and give this infomation to our guys. After I posted the above question, I googled "chaser effect" and saw that guys addicted to fapping and going into no fap also experience the "chaser effect" in recovery when they relapse and masturbate.

    Thanks again. Any other comments are also appreciated.
  28. over_it

    over_it Active Member

    Great that you are not feeling the chaser effect. I definitely used to notice it after sex and fell down many times because of it, although the effect did lessen over time and it was fine when it translated into more sex of course!

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