A Good Path

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by fcjl8, Nov 19, 2012.

  1. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Checking in... another P free day. Thankful for each clean day.

    O with my wife... not exactly PIV. Last night I really felt like I both wanted and deserved to feel intimacy. It was nice. Quite a bit of brain fog today... but hey.. it beats days when I used PMO by a long shot. I really think my mindset is so focused on my long term mental health and addiction right now in a way I never could manage before.

    So happy that I have had so many clean days this years and cutting myself slack for the 5 or 6 slips.

    Stay well brothers
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  2. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    On a very stressful day like today I can honestly declare myself as far away from PMO as I can ever recall. This is the type of very uncomfortable day full of tasks I would rather run from that used to leave me craving a porn fix.

    Today, in spite of tough going I feel no urge to seek out PMO. I know full well it will actually destroy any chance I have of feeling peace.
  3. devnull

    devnull Member

    Great to hear.
  4. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    So here is the deal today! Lots of alone time at home. My wife at work, me working on a proposal and design mock-up on the computer... son sleeping in until noon. Son off to work at 2:30 and I go to pick up my wife at 4:30... so lots of opportunity... in the past I would have sought self medication either before working on my quote/proposal or shortly after emailing it off. Or, honestly both before and after, and never completed the proposal.

    Today as has been the case for 99.9% of the days this year I am not that moth to the flame! I am a man with a free will and no need to turn to the ridiculous low hanging fruit of "false intimacy" using my hand and the lies of pixels on a computer monitor.... this I am very happy with. Do I feel perfect... no way.... I feel residual anxiety and some melancholy but that has little to do with my abstinence from pornography. I imagine the more distance I put on this path the less and less these unpleasant feelings will diminish as they did 2 years ago on a long hike on freedom path.

    I was messaged today from a man about a post I made at the facebook group "fightthenewdrug" ... he was asking for help and advice on breaking free. It was my pleasure to share what has and has not worked in my experience.
    devnull likes this.
  5. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Thanks for the wonderful support HeyRevolver! You encourage so many of us here... your wise and timely thoughts are fantastic inspiration.

    My wife literally dragged me out of bed way earlier than I wanted. She is so sweet she had coffee, toast and a boiled egg ready for me. She had asked me to drive us about 30 min to a neighboring town for a farmers market... not really my thing, well nothing is lately. I complied because I said I would. It was nice to meet people and look at all the mid summer produce.

    I am so blessed in so many ways. In the past her sister would have met her and I would have squandered the morning watching on-line pornographic lies... much better this path!
    devnull likes this.
  6. breath

    breath Member

    fc, that last post is very inspiring. it's so simple - nothing out of healthy normalcy yet it shows that counting the blessings we have - and savouring them when we partake is a great formula for general happiness in all facets of life. Wow. appreciating the breakfast, and the market - even though it's not your thing - you chose to enjoy those moments of your life... and to many here it reminds us that when we are doing something positive we are avoiding the habits that involve 'squandering' our time here on earth.
  7. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    fcjl8: I am not only happy that you are in my life, but you have held me up at critical times. I can say that I would not be the man I am today without your input and support. I think of you on occasion, so perhaps you can imagine that I am with you at random times. The Spirit of Christ, who dwells in us richly, keeps us and (I believe) moves me to "be with" you when you perhaps feel alone.

    Take care my brother!
  8. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Thank you, Guy... I pray for your healing all the time, and your family.

    Hey Revolver, that is perfect. More chillin' is just what we need. Have not really chilled in years... overdue!

    Breath, yes sir. We are free to choose. No more squandered life to the lies of pornography. Thank you.

    Sunday, sadly my wife has to work(retail)... A great friend... more like a brother picked me up to share a ride to church, I am so blessed. Came home following a good sermon by one of the younger pastors. Enjoyed lunch with my son, avocado, corn chips, cheese. Perhaps not enough protein? Might force down a good protein bar??

    Alone time again... editing some photos I took for a booklet design I am working on. Sober.. no temptation.
    Guy_Stewart likes this.
  9. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Monday is off to a much better start. I am working and made myself a good breakfast. Pondering if we can go away from Wed-Sat. way outside my comfort zone as we rarely go away.

    I am clean from PMO and really feel so good about this. I am not doing a hard day count this time around but I have a rough idea of last viewing P about 2 1/2 weeks back very briefly and running away from it. That would have been about my 6th viewing this whole year and my longest stretch was about 105 days so far. I really think I have what it takes to never PMO again. It is absolutely repulsive to me.
    Newman8888 and Guy_Stewart like this.
  10. devnull

    devnull Member

    Good to hear! :) Congrats.
  11. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Quick check in. All is good in terms of No PMO. Have been a bit more productive with work and in general.

    Stepping out of my immediate comfort zone and taking my amazing wife away for 3 days... to a really pretty part of Ontario. I feel some anxiety but it will be good for us. We have not gone anywhere in years.
  12. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Enjoy your time with your wife and yourself, fcjl8. Thanks for always being so encouraging and kind to us all.
  13. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Enjoy your trip!
  14. gymaddict

    gymaddict Member

    Hope it is a time of renewal akin to your life and sexual relationship with your sweetie on your honeymoon and early days of your marriage.
  15. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi to all the men at YBR... please know my admiration and respect for you all is beyond words. I am so happy to be sharing this battle with you all. We can win this fight.

    We had a very generous invitation to visit and stay with friends in eastern Ontario... a beautiful home they have built on a large lot in a beautiful setting on a river. Another dear friend loaned us his newer car, he has several, so we could comfortably make the 3 hour drive. I am so blessed to have such generous and wonderful friends. It was an amazing 3 day getaway with my beloved wife. Needless to say there was never any temptation... in fact I have really had very little temptation for over a month now.

    I have also been blessed to help a good friend that is leaning on me as his accountability partner in his battle with porn addiction.

    Blessings and love to you all.
    devnull likes this.
  16. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Daily check-in. I stated yesterday that while away with my wife there was no temptation. There really wasn't. I like to think that temptation is past but it is not. I am tempted multiple times a day, especially since i often am working at the computer at home alone. I fight off these temptations, I wrestle with them, I curse at them... I pray for help. There just might be this in my life for my remaining time here?? But, then I do truly have a day or two in which no temptation arises... sometimes out of the blue. And, now I notice that the pull is not really for porn... it has really disgusted me the last 4-5 times I viewed it... but the temptation is just a vague sexual energy for something I am almost forgetting but not quite... almost a shadow.

    I want to go full blown confession here... I had always viewed pretty vanilla hetero based porn videos... but then as the years past I began to view pretty kinky stuff and even seek it out. I always sought out more mature women and remarkably close in appearance to my wife... but increasingly I was looking towards the harder scenes, group, even B&D type scenarios... it definitely was hurting my real life interaction with my beloved wife.

    Our marriage and connections are so much better on all levels as I move away from the distortion of pornography and hyper sexuality.
  17. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Oops.. just re reading yesterday's post... My confession was regarding porn video tastes... not about real life scenarios. My infidelity was always with videos.. mags or fantasy only. No judgment to guys who had affairs, I have dear friends who fell into that.

    Clean another day today.
  18. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Not trying to worm off the hook. My use of pornography was very much the same as adultery in my mind. It drove me away from my beloved, my wife, my family, everything I hold dear, it would separate me from my relationship with God. My mind changed as the result of my pornography "affairs". I became cold and less capable of loving, I was always secretive and never my genuine authentic self.

    So blessed to be on my current path away from this trap of lies.

    Blessings and love to you all.
  19. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    Glad to see that you're staying in the game. It's not for everybody.
    fcjl8 likes this.
  20. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Thanks guys for the ongoing support. This helps me more than I can express.

    Off to work on a challenging graphic project today. So glad I am away from PMO. I have honestly lost track of when I last went to PMO.. but it is approximately 41 days ago! And I am certain that I have only used PMO 5-6 times this entire year. I will go the remainder of 2017 without using PMO. I have all the tools to make it.

    And the wonderful support of all the men at YBR. Thanks again guys.

    Love and Peace
    Newman8888 likes this.
  21. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Isn't it great when you lose track :)

    Peace brah
    fcjl8 likes this.
  22. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Love this, it is so true, porn does change my mind and the way I think and definitely makes me secretive and closed to other people,makes me scared to be open and allow people into my life.
  23. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    I finished a big challenging project yesterday. It was a lot of work and a tight deadline. I have had no temptation whatsoever. This is truly a blessing.

    I have stated this before, but I am so fortunate to have my wife both aware and supportive of my battle to stop viewing pornography and masturbation. I have a good friend that is also battling PMO, we support each other. His wife is aware of his battle but almost does not care... she almost would prefer that he continued to use PMO so she would feel less pressure to be intimate. I am very very blessed to have my wife, who does want me to escape the trap of PMO but also shows support, compassion and love to me always, even when I have fallen.

    It is Sunday morning. I will be going to church shortly. I will be alone most of the day and must keep busy, busy body and mind. I must find a way to let off some steam as well, weed trimming and weight lifting will work.

    I am well. I pray that you all are. Really, I pray for all the men here at YBR!

    Love and Peace brothers.
  24. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Thanks HeyRevolver, and yes... my wife is awesome. I did not always acknowledge that while mired in PMO haze...sadly. But, I sure do now.

    I am working away on a layout on the desktop computer... feeling a bit melancholy... or a bit depressed in spite of sticking with my SSRI... thankfully I can face this down mood sober. I have less than no desire to seek PMO. I truly thank God for this. I pray every morning for my Lord to take away my desire for lust, for porn, for masturbation. He walks with me and guides me when I surrender to His will and give up my will.
  25. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    I need this group... No doubt in my mind. When I come to YBR and spill my guts or share or care or just ramble... it helps me in my walk on my path.

    My path is about creating a better me... better in terms of my relationships with others on this planet. better in terms of my relationship with my beloved wife, my son, my close friends and for me... my relationship with God. Using PMO hurts all of those stated goals... it hurts me to my very core on every level.

    My addiction to PMO has had such an intense hook in me for decades that it has been both mentally and physically painful to get away from it this year. I have been through this before and knew it would be tough but never imagined this painful. I like to think of it as a fire hardening iron... making me stronger.

    I am becoming more kind, compassionate, less judgemental more willing to walk with others and carry their burdens... this is my path.
  26. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Isn't it amazing what becoming addiction free and getting healthy does for the spirit?
  27. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    No urges today and my long streak of sobriety is now longer... around 47 days... perhaps longer. I am very thankful that this walk on this path this time is moving forward.

    Honestly, my anxiety/depression are still bothering me some days... some days not so much. But, it would be completely hopeless if I were using PMO... I have been in that pit before. I will lean into the wind as JDoe used to say... I will keep striding forward. Today was a down mood day, not because of my sobriety, it was just part of my mental roller coaster.

    I pray everyone here is well.
    Billy B. likes this.

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