A Good Path

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by fcjl8, Nov 19, 2012.

  1. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi, I am 51 years old, male, married for 30 years with an awesome teenage son. Sounds great and is great. Except...

    Sept 2011 , I quit a "lifelong" addiction to porn and masturbation. I had flirted with quitting it several years back but was really committed last year. I stumbled across yourbrainonporn.com and began learning. I blogged regularly at reuniting.info and was off and running. About 130 days into a successful re-boot I backed off the blogging and felt "cured". I had received much help and support at the website and among my family and a few friends I confided in. In fact, getting my secret life out in the open was wonderful. I was even making efforts to help coach others with similar issues. I felt the best I have ever felt!

    Well, now I am looking to start again. I let myself slip and was tempted by what I thought of as my healthy sex-drive and all the seductive mainstream images of sexy women. Funny, a popular Korean pop-tune even extolls ... "hey sexy lady". After semi-scheduled short porn/m sessions I fell back into old habits.

    The big difference is that now I have some degree of knowledge about the brain chemistry and wiring I am dealing with. I will use many of the tools that helped me go 160+ days with no Porn/M. I don't really consider this a big failure but I must get better at this and go even longer this time!

    I do not and never did have ED issues and am lucky to have a good sex life with my wife of 30 years. I want sex more than she does but I now know much of that is my brain seeking my "drug" of choice and a nice dopamine hit. I just use the P/M as a route to medicating myself with brain chemistry as coping for anxiety and stresses and also as a reward sometimes! I rarely drink alcohol and do not smoke cigs or use drugs.

    Well here I am setting out on a familiar path I know it's not an easy route but I also know how great the journey can be.

  2. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Re: A familiar path for me.

    Although I was a regular blogger at reuniting.com while going through my re-boot last year I am finding it awkward writing this time around. It was my choice to start using PM again and it is my choice to kick it, again!

    I was lucky last year and found myself connecting , almost from day 1 with a few of the guys going through the same process. I was also reaching out to a few people in my life that I trusted and getting some personal support and encouragement. That was shocking. My "dirty little secret" that I had kept to myself since my early youth/childhood was now getting out with some of my friends and family and all I was getting was Love and support. WOW.

    I feel reluctant to admit I have failed and am starting over. Although I know what worked last time and will use the same tools I am sorry to admit I fell back into my PMO addiction! I know better, but, I wonder how many opportunities should I get or deserve. I believe the answer is...as many as it takes. But, I was so happy with my freedom from porn. Well, I guess I can look forward to the trials and benefits of kicking this again.

    By the way, I became a Christian a few years back. I regularly attend a very relaxed Christian church in my small rural town. I had not grown up with dogma and typical old moral type judgement and rarely attended church until being baptised about 4 years ago. I find that my faith was a great asset to me last year while going through this. It's funny I have even spoken with very supportive Pastors about porn addictions and have found them non-judgmental, compassionate and very helpful. Lucky me.

    Any way, working on day 2. Never thought I would write that again. I thought after day 132, 133, 134 etc. I was good to go. We will stay on this path, freedom is a gift.
  3. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    Re: A familiar path for me.

    Just keep writing. It should help you. I have benefited from going back and rereading older entries. And also, I have greatly enjoyed reading responses to my words from genuinely concerned people that are in the same boat as us.

    Even though you've relapsed and restarted your counter, it's not like you're at ground zero again. Reboots are not linear.
  4. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Re: A familiar path for me.

    Thanks Dangerous, your words are true and helpful. P and M is such a solitary type of activity so writing and "talking" with others in a similar boat is great!
  5. Speeder72

    Speeder72 New Member

    Re: A familiar path for me.

    You can do it again, I guess your story shows how easy it can be to slip back into old habits. Make sure you keep us updated with your progress, stay strong.
  6. youngoldie

    youngoldie Onwards comrades - we have to go back!

    Re: A familiar path for me.

    Hi fc,

    You wrote, that your wife doesn't like as much sex as you. You know about reuniting, but how do you think about Karezza and bonding behaviours?



    For me and my wife this is really helpful and we have much more inner connection as wel as body contact.
  7. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Re: A familiar path for me.

    Hi young,

    We have discussed karezza. She does not quite understand it. She likes sex, we just have had a different need for it, mostly due to my addiction and wiring. I think I can get my head around karezza and the benefits in terms of brain balance and chemistry make sense.

    We tried it a bit during my lengthy re-boot last year, we had trouble not carrying through to orgasm. We should probably try it again. I found the bonding behavior, touch and hugging was very good while in my re-boot. The power of oxytocin? I even had hugs from friends and enjoyed them, I had always resisted physical contact.

    How do you feel about karezza? Was it hard ( no pun) to get started without getting so carried away the O happened? Do you have any suggestions?

    Thanks for bringing up karezza, stay well.
  8. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Could a mod please delete this I had multiple topics - Sorry

    Day 3- ouch. I used to be a success at this, now I am starting all over...EGO slap. I think it was partly ego that allowed me to let my guard down and slip back into PM. I think my "successful" re-boot allowed me many positive , wonderful benefits, really eye-opening and life-changing...but somewhere I let my guard down.


    Day 3 and avoiding porn is no big deal right now. I work mostly from home and have much freedom over my schedule and work with computers a lot as a designer. The opportunity to check out porn is really there almost anytime. Right now, and during my last re-boot, the discipline to overcome any urge was strong. Blogging at reuniting.info, YBOP's sister site for karezza was key.

    Hope I don't wear out my welcome here...I suspect I will write often as I head down this path, I want to find balance and make it last this time. Not sure why I slipped, I know I am prone to some anxiety and a bit of feeling down at times and always used PM as my drug of choice to self-medicate.

    Working hard to focus on the present and not live in regret(guilt) or fear(anxiety) of a future not here yet. This is when I perform as my best self!

    I am very aware of all the guys here and the various struggles they write about in their blogs. I am happy to be here for others. Hopefully my experiences can be of benefit to someone else.

    Stay well guys, freedom from addiction is a great! I tasted it.
  9. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Re: Working on day 3

    You are a hero in my eyes for coming back to rebalance. Brave almost beyond words.

    I am very familiar with a couple of things you mention: pride (as they say, "goeth before the fall") and using PMO to self-medicate. My wife is an 18 month breast cancer survivor. With that diagnosis and the treatments that followed, my on-again-off-again struggles against PMO exploded into full-blown addiction. I had been addicted to porn since I was 13; but the depths to which I fell...nah, "fell" implies that it wasn't my fault...DOVE, kicking and paddling with scuba gear and all...were epic for me.

    When I came up to breathe and after several false starts, I finally found YBOP and then, after months of tinkering with the possibility of maybe trying a reboot, joined this community. It was exactly what I needed.

    So welcome back. You are a hero in my eyes.

    Keep on.
  10. justforkicks800

    justforkicks800 New Member

    Re: Working on day 3

    Welcome and thanks for the kind words on my "blog". Sounds like you understand the hold this addiciton has and that it is struggle. No time to let the guard down. I found that I have to create change and then make sure I live with it on a day to day basis. Frankly, I failed when I stopped writing on a daily basis. Seeing the various messages people leave and making this a habit that cannot be broken is one of the keys to success.

    So keep writing and keep coming back.
  11. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Re: Working on day 3

    Thanks Guys,

    Great remarks. "Guy" - wow brother, what you and your wife have been through...man you must be tough people ( meant in the best way). God Bless you both. I have a friend his wife had a prolonged battle and during that time he fell...eventually into another woman's bed. Big trouble and he lost his wife and strained the family business as his brother's family saw his wife through her last days. So good that you are together!!!

    This addiction is beatable. I know it, I heard a radio docu with a heroin addict a few years back. He was one of the bravest people I have ever heard speak. He had been addicted to H for about 25 years and stopped using...bang. He received support and help from many people and areas he did not even know...once he made his mind up. He has been clean for 12 years and helps others now. Truly inspirational.

    Hope we can all help each other here!

    Be strong, keep moving forward.
  12. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    Re: Working on day 3

    Day 4 already?

    For me with any addiction (I've quit smoking (tabacco and weed), alchohol and overeating also, I'm a bit of a junkie) the first week is the hardest.
    After the first week the craving becomes less. More and more you get periods of tranquility.
    Tranquility you used to only feel at a funeral or likewise. :D
  13. youngoldie

    youngoldie Onwards comrades - we have to go back!

    Re: Working on day 3

    I loved reading all your comments. This is really a good and inspiring community. Good luck and best wishes to everybody here!
  14. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Re: A familiar path for me.

    day 4 loads of stress
    « Reply #7 on: Today at 01:31:41 PM »
    Well day 4.

    Not my typical day for sure. Lots of stress, applying for a new mortgage, yikes...self employed always makes this tough. Also, must get to work on a project for a customer.

    Big stresses! I would often turn to PM in these times to help numb my anxiety. Not today NOT ever again. I learned during my long re-boot that the stressful times pass and we feel much better not resorting to our addictions. I have been her before and faced tough times clean and sober, it is the better way. What was that famous old saying..."this too shall pass"

    When ever a challenge comes up, we have a choice in how we respond to it. Courage is the way. Even in circumstances of physical harm or illness we can choose how we react.

    Be well brothers, be strong you all inspire me.
  15. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Could a mod please delete this I had multiple topics - Sorry

    Sorry I started several "topics" instead of continuing my original. Sorry! I have copy and paste day3 and day4 to my "familiar path" 1st post topic. Could a moderator please delete this one!

  16. bork_gray

    bork_gray Beaker doesn't "bork" like the Chef.

    Re: A familiar path for me.

    Here's a perhaps helpful way to think about it: If you quit and then within a few years you relapsed, you aren't a failure. You successfully quit, and you'll always be a recovering addict. (So will I, and a lot of the rest of us, BTW.) So, the relapse is just a part of the recovery, a portion that is likely very probable to happen, maybe even inevitable, a portion of time that you have to go through in order to better and more fully recover. Now you have learned a few more of your past triggers, a little more of your own frailty in the face of this temptation, a little more of yet another way that the addiction can sneak up on you, a little more of what types of contexts or situations might weaken your resolve. All of this is better to know, than to not know. After all, what is overcoming an addiction, if there is never another temptation? You weren't addicted if you can walk away without a concern!

    So look at any relapse as a cause for concern, merely because you didn't know enough about yourself. Now you have learned more. But also look on that relapse as a cause for further learning. Now you have learned more, and can move further and more successfully through your reboot this next time.

    Best wishes!
  17. ezagent

    ezagent Guest

    Re: A familiar path for me.

    I've battled many bad habits. Getting rid of a bad habit doesn't always take the first time around. If you keep dusting yourself off and getting back up it'll get easier. You'll soon be riding into the sunset with the bad habit so far behind you won't be able to imagine yourself in it.
  18. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Re: A familiar path for me.

    I got through yesterday, a very stressful day, and am now in day 5. I have no urge to use porn. I was very happy to get through some difficult business and financial matters yesterday and not even think about porn! I'm happy. Moving away from porn is such a freeing action, one foot in front of the other.

    I felt this last year on my lengthy reboot. I am already feeling great in making this choice. Only so many hours in each of our days , which are gifts. It is a shame that so many of us spend precious moments using numbing activities like porn.

    Please help me to be strong and get through this, although I feel strong now, I know from experience it is not easy. I will use all the tools I learned last time and keep applying them, forever if needed. I stopped blogging at reuniting.info at day 132 and still carried on strong, but maybe if I had continued with that supportive community...?

    Be well brothers.
  19. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Working on my 6th day

    Day 6 - no urge to use PM at all the last 6 days.

    Maybe feeling a bit of flatline starting as their was some sexy content in a couple of movies I watched with my family and I felt no trigger , AT ALL. Before I would have stayed up for a while after they went to bed and sought some movies on-line at some free website.

    Also, I have ample opportunity to view most days as I work mostly from home. I did not use any blocker software or measures during my long re-boot last time, I know right now my conviction is so strong I don't need blockers. But, when I was considered to have successfully re-booted that was when my guard began to slip.

    My goal right now is 30 days no PM, last time I had no goal and went about 180 days. I am happy to have short term goals this time and string those together. It felt so good last time to look people in the eyes, shake hands, or even hug someone knowing I was clean and sober from this PM addiction. I can't really describe how great that felt. I so strongly encourage my brothers here to succeed it is such a wonderful feeling, even though mine did not stick permanently.

    I would not be back at this re-boot if I did not know and believe in the power of freedom.

    be strong everyone
  20. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Into day 7 - definite flatline

    Yes, this time I am sure the flatline has begun, I did not know that term last time I went through reboot, I was at day 18 by myself when I discovered YBOP. Flatline watching movies with my wife and son and still provocative images come up but they trigger no response in me, no horniness that I must "deal with" later with PM.

    Cuddling with my wonderful wife this morning, caressing and no immediate hard-on and urge. I explained to her that this phase is a good part of my rebalancing.

    Lots to be grateful for this morning, my family, my community, friends I have and have known. My realization that I no longer need to fall into my addiction.

    Thank You

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