A Fun Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by trapped7, Jan 18, 2013.

  1. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 3

    Not acting out will, in the long run, provide me with more energy and restore a more healthy state of being.

    Yes, it's true there will be discomfort. It's what drove us into the addiction in the first place. However this is at least a state of feeling how we actually are. Even if it's emotions of sadness or anger, it is authentic and that's healthy. As opposed to being emotionally numb and disinterested in life as we are when we are acting out.
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2018
    Gil79 likes this.
  2. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"


    Even though my symptoms are of course still here I can certainly sense some underlying energy because of not acting out.

    Self-esteem tends to go up when not acting out, and I'm able to make stronger eye contact with people.
    On the contrary self-esteem defintely goes down when acting out.

    I had some F arise recently, so I have to be very mindful and stop at the first sign.
  3. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    O-ing has a negative effect on energy levels, concentration, not to mention mood. The prolonged and intense dopamine spike you get from pmo amplifies the effect. Continence brings all that back into balance.

    I'm 100% with you on F. It is absolutely the thin end of the wedge.
  4. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 5

    Both yesterday and today when F was on the onset, I was able to see it and I said to myself - This is where it's all decided, what are you going to do.
    And I was able to stop, get out and do something else.

    Today I already went running, followed by 20 minutes of meditation.

    I'm fighting the symptoms I have on a quest to restore my health.
    I'm assuming my symptoms have something to do with an imbalance of neurotransmitters and the nervous system.

    Anything that has a possible positive impact in whatever miniscule way, I have to do.

    - Regular nutrition (even though I'm always saying that I'm only doing it half of the time)
    - Running / Exerice (maybe one of the most powerful ways to restore neurotransmitter balance
    - Sleep (Finding ways to be able to sleep more and more)
    - Meditation (efficiency on brain health is being demonstrated again and again in studies)
    - Supplements (the ones that might help calm the nervous system)

    Apart from that the basis to obviously not act out in any way or to do engage in activities that stimulate the nervous system too much, like videogames.

    @A New Man
    Yes, agreed. Energy, concentration and mood are just the other side of the coin of "neurotransmitters and balanced nervous system"
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Sounds good Trapped! Those first minor urges to mildly act out are indeed the warning sign that a new chain of acting out events is about to be set in motion. Some call it where the train leaves the station and @Living called it the start of building a pyre.
  6. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 10

    Been able to identify F when it arises and evade it.
    It's kind of like baseball. Just to have to make sure you hit every single ball.

    Been running today and tried to meditate for 25 minutes with mixed success, my mind wandering a lot.

    I feel fatigued.
    It's not a physical fatigue, as I can go running or hiking but a mental or nervous system / brain fatigue.

    I have to figure out what this is.
    My idea is it's the combined effects of psychological trauma, anxiety and the long-term effects of addiction on the brain.

    If I follow a daily pattern of healthy activites of good nutrition, exercise, meditation and sleep with no acting out it has to get better.
    It must. Or so I hope.

    The train leaves the station, I like that. Let's make sure it stays where it is.
    Gil79 likes this.
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I am really happy to see that you made it to 10 days man! And not just that, but also the running and meditation (meditation is always successful, even if it is difficult to focus). I just watched Gary Wilson's 2015 presentation and it motivated me big time. Don't know if you recently saw it, but I would really recommend to you at this point as a great conformation and motivation https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series.

    That fatigue is really &^%$. It is easy for me to say, but you can deal with it. I am sure you'll recover from that too, either by rebooting, or otherwise by finding the potential other causes for it.

    I am with you and just 10 days behind. Let's keep that 10 days distance, OK?!
  8. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 11

    Meditated for 25 minutes, been able to identify F as it arises.

    The strong physical symtoms and fatigue I'm feeling is a strong motivator for me right now to stay away from P and acting out, if just to see whether my symptoms improve with it.

    I can tell myself "notice how you're feeling. it will get even worse than now if you act out. But if you don't you have a chance that you'll get better.
    In that sense it's a driving force. I want to recover from this and I have to use every possible chance there is to do so.

    Thanks, I'll watch that right now. Been trying to educate me about the brain, neurotransmitters and the nervous system lately, so this fits perfectly.
    Yes, let's fight this together - You're not really behind though as you already got in a nice streak before.
  9. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 12

    Went running in the morning followed by 2 x 25 minutes of meditation.

    Even though I still have my symptoms 0n some level I can feel some effect.
    In the long term this will hopefully improve my symptoms.

    Watched the new YBOP video.
    The main point I got from it that was new to me is that while other activities might increase dopamine (eating, sugar, gaming etc.) they hit a different part of the reward center than P.
    That means that the argument that "lots of things increase dopamine" is not valid at all.
    P is in the same group as drugs like cocaine and meth, in terms of what part it hits and also the intensity.
    Bezoechow and Gil79 like this.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    It is crazy, but the rush can indeed be so intense. Actually the last week I noticed how just fantasy with edging can initially even give a similar rush..... but maybe only if your brain already has a 'porn wiring'.

    Keep the momentum! Staying away from acting out will increase your willpower even more!
  11. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 13

    Suffering Insomnia again last night, I wasn't able to break the F spell and followed down its road.
    I was able to stop before relapsing but I still followed it down for some time before that.

    I need to watch out for more.
    Other than that, feeling strong emotional pain and anxiety and I ask myself if this will ever get better again.
    I have to try.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    How to deal with sleepless nights...… pfooo. So difficult. I only managed to have a sleepless night without fantasies once and that was this year. Normally I always fantasize or/ and edge/(P)MO. However, it is possible. And it is imperative. We have to learn to deal with that. The most important thing now is to avoid acting out sexually as you're rewiring your brain. Maybe just getting out of bed and watch a series or movie? I don't know. Easier said than done. I hope you can make a plan for next time this happens.

    For now, be aware of the chaser effect of your fantasies. You have initiated something and you need to be strong to not give in. Take care of yourself and reward yourself in a healthy or semi-healthy non-sexual way.

    You're doing great, keep it up!
  13. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 14

    Got up at 6:20 (not because I"m an early riser but because of insomnia) and went for a run before work.
    I am motivated to do so because of all of the research about running being heathy for the brain

    I thought I'll create an evening ritual with switching off all electronics at a certain time in the evening, taking calming supplements followed by meditation.
    We'll see if that helps me sleep a little better in the long run.

    If not what else would.
    Psychotherapy comes to mind, which I have mixed feeling about cause I haven't really seen great results in the past.
    But maybe I didn't have the right therapist.

    For now I commit to:

    - Persistent effort to recognize F in its very early stages and dispel it right there
    - Running for 45mins 3 times a week (same days and times to ensure it happens)
    - Meditation for 25 minutes daily as part of evening ritual

    for the next 90 days, starting today

    In my experience F indefinitely leads to P every single time, that's why I make it the center of my attention. In this stage we're able to avert a relapse. If we're about to watch P, we're long gone.
    Sorry to hear you're suffering from insomnia as well. The reasons for insomnia are wide-ranging, I'm sure an inbalance of the reward-system of the brain contributes to it.
    I wish you to be able to find the cause and to recover from it. Thanks for your post; I noticed you don't have a thread yet, or was unable to find it.

    Yeah I don't know either what to do. It feels like my brain is stuck in some kind of overdrive and just can't relax. I hope it will learn again how to, eventually. If so, sleep will follow.
    Thanks, you too!
  14. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 15

    Took some Valerian Root and had soothing tea yesterday evening followed by 2x 25min meditation.
    You would think that puts you in a relaxed state, but amazingly what followed was another night of insomnia until 5:00 am.

    Made it through work somehow, thankfully it't not stressful there yet.

    I've had muscle twitches everywhere for months now. Today I also had some breathing difficulties.
    Most likely all symptoms of anxiety.

    I have to continue and just hope it will get better.

    Insomnia might be related to both anxiety and rebooting, which are interconnected anyway I suppose.
    Yes, like you say eventually there must be some improvement, hopefully.
  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Trapped, I was thinking about what you said about the relation between porn addiction, rewiring and insomnia. I believe that you mean it like a physiological thing. That definitely makes sense. But that it came to my mind that I used (P/F)MO in the past because I could not sleep as a kid with a troubled mind. It would make sense (psychologically) that if I would try to recover from this so-called medicine, that the insomnia would get back. I remember quite some sleepless nights a couple of years ago. At the moment I don't have these problems. I am just wondering if this could be such a psychological thing for you a well: if you take away the medicine, the problem will come back...….. ofcourse until you found the better medicine...…. Well, just a thought. I hope you will sleep better soon. If you can pull that of, you'll feel so much better and so much more strecngthened in your recovery.....
  16. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 0/19

    Relapsed to fantasy a couple of times in the end.
    Stress levels got too high, I can't sleep, I have anxiety and then I followed down F just too long, until there was no turning back.

    Felt pretty terrible today with extremely uncomfortable anxiety symptoms, feeling adrenalised in my chest to the point where I start believing something is seriously wrong with my health, which of course amplifies the symptoms.
    It sounds easy to solve, as if anxiety was just in the head, but in fact even though I know in theory what it is and what to do, it's so overwhelming you don't quite know what's happening.

    I identified another addiction which was online blitz chess, which I've been playing almost everyday for more than half a year now.
    Chess is an amazing game, but if the blitz game variant on the phone becomes yet another addiction it needs to go.
    I had realized that earlier, but just uninstalled it from my phone a minute ago.

    Also I just realized I need to switch electronics off more often and leave them off. That means TV, laptop and smart phone.
    These keep most of us occupied for hours on end everyday. But at the end, do they really contribute to our well being - hardly so I would say.
    If used in moderation these are great of course. But hours everyday of digital entertainment and meaningless searching for new content just isn't maybe the healthiest thing.

    I'll try to sit down and read some books again instead, or just lie down and close my eyes, whatever I can do.

    @Raskolnikov and @Gilgamesh, Thanks.

    Insomnia might definitely be related to that and it makes sense what you're saying.
    It's all connected anyway.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Such a difficult situation. The anxiety and insomnia issues have priority to deal with, but they are probably related to your addiction. Your addiction is difficult to overcome because of the anxiety and insomnia . . . a vicious circle, represented by your name Trapped. I am sure you have tried so many things already to break that circle. It seems that the first step to take should be recovering from the addiction and hence to stay on this path of recovery that you mentioned to me. You had a really good streak the last weeks, you started running and meditation and were able to avoid any fantasies in that period. You have exercised your brain, shown it how it should be done, and even while relapsing not given in to porn. All of that WITH the insomnia and anxiety. I think that is great. Now you have experienced (again) that you can do this. Know also that the upcoming days are going to stay difficult, but it will get better. But at the moment you have to deal with this acute anxiety. I wouldn't know what advice to give, besides 'hold on'. Stay strong. I am with you.
  18. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 0

    Relapsed again to F, was able to go for a day without and then relapsed again to F. From there it moved to borderline content and then to P.
    Even though the last one was brief, it's still a reset.

    I had a nice streak going, more than 2 weeks no F at all.
    I have a choice now, I can either keep relapsing again more and more and feel worse and worse (I'm already in a state that's not good, as I mentioned before).
    Or I can get back to a no F resolution.

    I'm not sure what else to do. I thought I was doing fine as usual, and then because of the power of the addiction things unwrap before you know it.
    I might have to look into 12 steps again, or recovery nation. I tried both for a while and just wasn't able to put in consistent effort.

    Thanks man, I will keep fighting.

    Your question is an excellent one and it's fairly easy to answer.
    At that time I hadn't yet been through all the difficulties and emotional life was throwing at me. That is why I was in a more relaxed state I guess.
    Life does get difficult for all of us at some point sooner or later. The question is how we deal with it.
    What I can do is to try and stop worrying much about my health, cause that doesn't really help at all. Not only does it not help, it actually intensifies symptoms.
    The other part is to identify issues and to work on resolving them, that's easier said than done though and requires a lot of work that is uncomfortable.
    Maybe it's the only way though.
  19. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 0

    Just relapsed to P again. I'm humbled and shocked all the same.
    I was evading initial F and aware of what's going on. Things then uncoiled within minutes and the next thing I know I find myself after a relapse to P.

    My goal is to get through the rest of today with no more relapses.
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    It seems as a lame advice, but instead of forcing yourself to abstain right now, maybe it would be better to just not try to abstain for a while and get your intrinsic motivation back. At the same time you can still focus on these positive changes you have initiated the last weeks: sports and meditation. And what about working 3x10 minutes on the 12-step or recoverynation workshop per day?

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