A Fun Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by trapped7, Jan 18, 2013.

  1. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Hi Trapped, i'm sorry to hear about your problems with anxiety. I also experienced arrythmia in the past 2 years (i'm not sure if this is the same as ectopic beats, but it sounds like it could be). In my case cutting down coffee to zero for several months and reintroducing it in low amounts (1 cup per day) stopped it- at least it does not bother me anymore. If you drink coffee or other caffeine, i'd start there.

    Like Gil i am still fighting, had some success and some falls, but overall the trajectory is up.

    I think there can be a place for distractions that are not pmo. I watched a bunch of movies i hadn't had time to watch (because of work and pmo) in the early days, drank more wine with dinner (1.5 glasses instead of 1), ate more chocolate, drank more coffee. I'm not advocating that, just observing what happened. Saville also started getting dopamine in other ways (chocolate)- but you know what, anything is better than feeding the bad wolf of pmo.

    Sleep is so important (probably more than we know) and meditation too (my next step).

    Welcome back- you can overcome these difficulties- believe it!
  2. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 4

    I achieved my learning goal.
    I went running and did some socialising.

    Had sudden ectopics and increase of heart rate again while walking with a friend.
    It's scary and very unconfortable but I have to tell myself that it's not dangerous, since my heart is healthy.
    It's scary unconfortable and that's it.

    I also successfully installed a DNS server to block P on my android phone.
    Anyone knows of a better method for filtering? This one you always have to remember to reactivate when restarting the phone.

    Thank for sharing your story about ectopics. I'm sure anxiety has a role, and also that my heart and nervous system is just really sensitive in general.
    The anxiety probably doesn't come from anything that's going on in my life right now, as my circumstances are basically pretty good.
    But there's been enough traumatising experiences in my past which in conjunction with the yearlong addictive behavious might have this systemic effect.
    I have to approach the anxiety from different angles in my attempt to lower it.
    Thanks for the videos, I watched one and will research s.k.y. breathing more.

    Good to hear from you.
    Maybe there is a place for these things, and I'm not saying to stop everything. I'm saying I'm doing these things too much and since one addiction feeds another it might be beneficial to engage in other activites.
    sports, socialising more and reading comes to mind.
    I've cut out caffeine of my diet almost completely when these ecoptics got worse. While caffeine can definitely be a trigger, in my case it's unfortunately not the only thing that triggers them.
    Usually it's because of too many stress hormones in your system, which can be the case for many different reasons, both psychological and physiological.
    Sleep is incredibly important for health as you say, which is why I doing what I can to try to sleep better. Thank you for your support, I appreciate it.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Really difficult situation if you don't know what the causes can be. On the other hand, I wouldn't be surprised if it because of emotional ballast from the past. When I came back to the board 3 months ago and had a streak of several weeks, I was very emotionally labile. A lot of anger and anxiety just came up out of nowhere. I didn't know why, but think it has to do with the reboot. At the same time I was dreaming and having flash-backs of past experiences. Not really bad experience, but just thing I hadn't thought of in many years. Maybe something similar has been happening to you? Maybe through rebooting, or just having an experience that triggered something in you and brought up old emotions? Don't know, just rambling now. Sorry.

    I just remember the names of the other breathing techniques. So the first one is the pranayama technique with Uyayi breathing (5min), the second one is the Bhastrika (5min) and then the Sudarshan Kriya (10min), which is the most powerful one.

    This is also a nice one, which I do when I have less time:
    Don't know if it describes the technique well. Otherwise google a bit more on Wim Hof breathing technique. He's a really interesting person by the way. He can withstand cold as no other and has been shown to be able to infleucne his immune system.
  4. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 5

    Had a relatively successful day with learning and then went out again for some socializing.
    For a couple of hours anxiety effects were really strong, and I could feel sharp pains in my chest from that that come and go, with some heaviness being always there.

    Also learned about different types of breathing exercises and did a simple deep breathing exercise several times today.
    It seems to do something in terms of activating the parasympathetic nervous system, but I have to give it time and see.

    Thanks a lot for the videos, I'll check them out tomorrow!
    I already witnessed that breathing exercises do have some kind of effect, so curious about this.
    About rebooting, symptoms etc. More and more I realize this is not about rebooting for me anymore even though addiction is of course a large part of the problem.
    However it's a complex of past trauma, anxiety and addiction (as an attempt to control the pain) that I'm dealing with now.

    Also I don't care about numbers and time-frames until the brain is "rebooted" at all anymore. Our brain remains plastic and it's constantly rewiring, every minute of every day anyway.
    The question is what do we rewire it too. Healthy habits, exercise, sleep, meditation, not acting out and expressing and getting in touch with emotions etc will rewire the brain in a positive way.
    Acting out, unhealthy nutrition, insomnia, negative and self-critical thought patterns are going to rewire it in a negative way. That process never stops, because the brain never becomes static.

    It's not like we do this for 90 days and we're done. Come to think of it it seems childish that I ever thought that. What if we go backwards after the 90 days (like it happened to me)
    Living is healthy lifestyle is really a choice we have to make everyday, but the longer we can stay with it the more it will show.
    Never mind, I'm rambling too now - but it's good to talk to you and get these reflections and discussions going again!
  5. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 0

    Relapsed without P after a short time of fantasizing, telling myself to stop and continuing.
    Amazing how I was telling others here here how being mindfulness is important and how F leads to a relapse.
    I even told myself today, it happened anyway.

    Otherwise, lots of symptoms as usual, severe fatigue, and yet can't sleep
    However I'm still trying to go out, do things and meet people.

    I'm trying to do the best I can, I know that at least.
  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Sorry to hear. Fantasies are so bloody tricky. Mild fantasies seem so harmless. Maybe they actually are, but they can escalate so fast into stronger fantasies and more. Especially now you're in such a bad place with your health and fatigue, it's tempting to look for a relieve.

    I am afraid that this may lead to a lot more difficulties the upcoming days. I hope you can pull yourself through this. My current streak is my second attempt this year, and I must say that it really got easier after the first week. Stay strong and as you already do, focus on the positive.
  7. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    You're back and you're fighting. That's major. Figuring out your specific path will take a bit of time.

    Saville talks a lot about focusing on the small stuff first (or as 40New30 said the other day, "eating the elephant in small bites"). Making small changes can have a big cumulative effect- go to bed 15 minutes early, take a short walk in the morning, watch some David Attenborough, make yourself a favorite meal, invite an old friend to eat it. Simple pleasures, small acts of kindness to yourself. It is the slight edge that will become your edge. Do you like to play games? In my city people meet up to play boardgames in cafes. If I was twenty again (...) i'd be there with bells on. You strike me as a guy with many interests- this is something you can definitely leverage to your advantage.
  8. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 1

    All in all a pretty good day.
    It's good to be able to say that despite all the symptoms and all that.

    @Gilgamesh Thanks man. Yes it's true the beginning is the most difficult and after some time it tends to get easier.

    @A New Man Yes, making a commitment and doing all you can, that's basically it. Nothing more you can do. And I totally agree, the small everyday changes have a huge a effect in the long-term, that's basically the single most important thing to keep in mind, to build your day around that notion. Thanks, I'm trying to do all I can.
    A New Man likes this.
  9. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 1

    Doing some good routines and was able to go running twice this week, which has to help in the long run.
    Had a few thoughts of looking at P to feel some relief but was able to surf it.

    There's no relief there, past the momentary. In the long run it's just more suffering and stronger symptoms if anything.
    Will try to keep the balance between productivity, taking care of myself in terms of sleep, exercise and better nutrition and socialising.

    Small improvements in different areas every day.
    cjm likes this.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    There's indeed nothing to gain from porn. What works for me lately when I get thoughts about porn, is to look up some older posts about my porn relapses. I got enough of those posts to read another new one every time I get urges for the upcoming months I think :). But it really helps me to get a better understanding of the short term relieve vs. mid/long term shit that comes with it.

    Do you notice that you sleep better when you've been running or exercising?
  11. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Just thought i'd drop in and say hi. Hope you're having a good weekend.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    In one of my older posts @asha.med told me to look at @trapped7's 10 questions to ask yourself in case you have urges. That link in his post doesn't work anymore. Can you remember what that was?

    Hope you're doing fine and to hear soon from you!
  13. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Thanks ANM and Gil,

    So I relapsed to P, and today is the 4th day in a row.
    Well today I didn't even try to resist anymore. I'm telling myself that it doesn't actually matter anymore.
    Of course it's not true, but in this kind of place it's difficult to care.

    I'll find motivation in time, and hope I"ll be able to again get a longer period in than just a week.
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I hope the motivation comes back. It has to come from the inside. Would it work to make (P)MO a minor thing for a while, and in the meantime to focus on the activities you wrote about above (socializing, learning, etc.)? I remember you have a lot of experience with meditation. Are you able to find the motivation for that? Hope you're sleeping better . .
    A New Man likes this.
  15. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 2

    Feeling pretty awful - of course because of the longer relapse period of 4 days.

    Also reflecting where I stand in life.
    Time is flying fast.

    Getting older is a strange thing.
    I don't feel much different on the inside than 10 or 15 years ago, and I'd still like doing the same things.
    But somehow you're supposed to do different things.

    I am not sure what to make of that.
    I guess I'm going to journal my thoughts on a private journal, cause somehow I don't feel like sharing online so much anymore.

    Thanks man. Meditation, it would be good and make me more calm, but I just don't find the will to do it right now. The socialising is good, as is seeing progress in learning, so definitely I want to keep that going. Getting in a streak of a month or so would be great. I"ll try and apply the 10 relapse prevention questions when I'm triggered, to really engage with them.
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I think it's important that you accept yourself no matter what, and that's with doing the things that you like to do. It doesn't matter what you're supposed to do. Maybe it is good to find out what it is what you want. For me it really helped to a couple of years ago to make a list with the things that are important to me, my values. I did that with the recoverynation workshop. I'm still falling back to that list, when I feel without direction. If you don't know where you're heading it is difficult to make the right choices in the present moment. If you know where you're heading, those choices come naturally.

    The other day I read here in a post of someone that you shouldn't listen too much to your own thoughts in the first days post-relapse, as you're not thinking clearly. I think it's very true. I hope you can get through a first week or so, because it will get easier, but also you'll experience what you're doing it for.
    A New Man, cjm and Fry2 like this.
  17. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 1

    I haven't been able to go past a day or two without acting out.

    I want to gradually improve my health and energy levels by

    - not acting out
    - living a healthy lifestyle

    @Gilgamesh Thanks and I agree, after about a week or so, when you feel some effect of what you're doing things get clearer again. My first goal is today.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    One day at the time indeed. The present moment is all we can change.

    Hope you can find the time and energy to do some running or cycling. They are great in blowing off steam and get you in de right mindset..... and give you a lot of energy as well.
  19. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Day 2

    What motivates me in life is getting better at something, improving a skill

    What's great about recovery is that just by _not doing_ something, already I'm improving something.
    Now this doing _nothing_ is of course a challenge, since we are addicted. But basically if I can just manage to _not_ do that, I'm improving both my physical and psychological health.

    Thanks, yes running and cycling are great. And apparently the benefits for the brain, in particular in these kinds of sports, outweigh even the physical benefits.
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    In a way that is true. And you'll have more energy and feel generally more happy. But it will also increase a specific kind of discomfort, which you'll have to anticipate to by taking specific actions. Those may be activities that help you channel that discomfort and energy into the right direction, or specific choices that make life more pleasant in general. I hope you can find out which would be the things that will benefit you in your recovery.

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