I've done journals on here before and thought it would be a good time to start another one. I'm 37 and have been addicted to porn since I was 13. I first realised it wasn't a good idea when I was 26, when I discovered Gary Wilson's work. Before then I took any and every opportunity to binge. I gave up for 18 months a few years ago then relapsed during the pandemic and haven't been able to maintain a lengthy streak since. I now believe I have found a way to bullet proof my computer and phone using software called Canopy. It controls the phone remotely, cannot be uninstalled from either device and if I trust the password to a friend I have no way of disengaging it. My guess would be that ED started when I was around 16. I've hardly ever been in relationships and have never had a normal sex life. A few years ago I started getting pelvic floor issues and have now lost penile sensitivity and flaccid size. ED is very severe. I also have urinary issues and semen dribbles out rather than shooting. Oh and constipation. In addition to this, my nervous system has become dysregulated (possible vagus nerve dysfunction). When I looked at porn in my teens, I would be able to function as normal afterwards, albeit I would be a bit sluggish. Nowadays it causes me to feel weird for days and disturbs my sleep and appetite. I find no joy in life and sometimes feel like I'm not really here. I've had periods where I have been very depressed and demotivated. I've had some horrendous binges lately sometimes lasting up to 12 hours and consisting of taking pictures of myself to send/swap with other men (I'm bi) on Reddit - a whole new kind of novelty. Needless to say Reddit is one of the sites I have blocked via Canopy. In addition to the pelvic floor issues I've developed muscular tension throughout my body, am visibly twisted in my core/pelvis region and have weird issues like heart palpitations, unexplained anxiety, and weak voice. It's likely that this is a combination of the physical issues and nervous system issues. The physical issues were triggered when I did heavy weightlifting despite being quite weak, but I believe there was a vulnerability environment already there (probably in the pelvic floor) which was triggered by the weights and then spiralled. Today is day 1, and the protections I have in place with the Canopy software should prevent any imminent relapse. However I also know that I when I abstain from porn I seek artificial dopamine in other ways. So I know I need to make an effort to live well, get into nature, connect with people rather than hiding myself away. I'm going to get treatment for my physical health issues soon via myofascial release (using the John F Barnes model) which is a 2 week intensive treatment plan. I'm also looking into somatic experiencing for the strange bodily symptoms and unexplained anxiety. Part of me thinks none of this would have happened if I hadn't had porn addiction, I'm a sensitive individual and it was way more than my caveman brain could handle. Looking forward to posting updates with progress on here.