A Better Tomorrow

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by NewStart19, Aug 12, 2019.

  1. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    I was wondering if you weren't exhausting yourself replying so often and in depth on the forum. Totally understandable to dial it back! I'll continue to follow your journal anyway. :D
     
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  2. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    Haha a bit yea. It was a pleasant type of exhaustion, if that makes any sense.

    I have undergone some big changes recently, so I haven't been posting at all. I plan on getting back in the saddle sometime soon though. Hope you're growing stronger day by day. Let's put this thing in the past where it belongs.
     
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  3. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    Good to hear from you again! You know, take it one step at a time. Whenever you're ready is soon enough! Haha, we'll become so strong that we'll feature in the last episodes of dragonball inspired martial arts cartoons :D
     
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  4. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    You've already taken the Golden God as the name of your battle persona, which means I need to think of something good.

    [​IMG]

    Hope today turns out to be a bright, PMO-free day for you. Take care.
     
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  5. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    September 10, 2019

    How was today?
    I think it wasn’t bad. Finished all of my morning and night routines and got all my chores for the day done as well. Got some others tasks done to boot. Didn’t really get any reading done today, but hopefully I can do that and some other tasks tomorrow. I had a bad night’s rest break an uncommon string of good sleep, so that made the day a bit less manageable. Thankfully, I didn’t sleep in that late, and I am going to crash soon.

    Urges:
    Moderate urges throughout the day, but thankfully due to some strong focus was able to keep them at arm’s length. Had a lot of flashbacks pop into my head today as well.

    Emotions:
    Felt alright all things considered. I think the solid focus I had today helped.

    Cognition:
    Felt kind of clear-headed, but the lack of sleep made me feel numb at times.

    Pain:
    Uncomfortable. It was occasionally distracting.

    * Something positive / something I did well:
    - Stayed focused
    - Had a nice chat with the cashier at the supermarket today. I want more experiences like this
     
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  6. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    September 12, 2019

    How was today?
    Woke up a bit late, but was able to get all the routine stuff done, along with one or two extra things. I spent some time outside of the house with other people, which was nice, although it was a bit difficult at times because they were talking about someone who recently passed away. Because of that, things got pretty emotional at times, but it was nice to hear their stories and meet someone new.

    Urges:
    I really do hate urges. Not the worst today, but I can’t wait for this ravenous sexual hunger to go away. It can be really exhausting.

    Emotions:
    Anxiety was a bit strong, but thankfully was able to remain pretty mindful throughout the day.

    Cognition:
    Ok perhaps. Didn’t pay much attention to it, as there was nothing that demanded me to use my brain. Verbal fluency was pretty decent.

    Pain:
    I can’t wait to get enough time under my belt to the point where I am ready to see a urologist. Need to prove to myself that I can stay off long enough before going. Gotta keep looking toward the future.

    * Something positive / something I did well:
    - Was considerate of others’ emotions today
    - Handled myself well socially
     
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  7. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    September 13, 2019

    How was today?
    Not bad. Checked things off my list and made it through a lot of boring (but necessary) reading for an upcoming test. Pushing myself through a boring task can be quite the trigger, and it was, but I made it more manageable by taking breaks doing nothing so that I could decompress. The only downside of today was that I stayed up too late. Can’t wait to go to bed.

    Urges:
    Moderately bad, but handled myself well. There was a point during the evening where I didn’t notice any triggers but increasingly felt unsettled, and it dawned on me that this is the carbonated bubbles that precede the fizzy spray of full-blown urges, so I went to the first floor where there is no Wi-Fi and just chilled for a while. Mindfulness of the body really helped here. Still can’t really pinpoint what the triggers were, but hey, crisis averted.

    Emotions:
    Some awful boredom, but that was necessary and I knew where it was coming from. During the evening, I felt dark feelings toward myself and others, but I just told myself, “F*** it. They don’t need my negativity and neither do I.” Overly simplistic, but it helped me nip a negative thought spiral in the bud. I feel like I am slowly getting better with this and it helps a lot with not relapsing. Looking forward to more OCD reading to further bolster this capacity.

    Cognition:
    Focus felt decent, but it was probably great objectively speaking, seeing as I was able to make it through a bunch of slow reading. Memory was alright. I remembered some of the material but forgot other parts. I’ll have to check tomorrow to get a better idea.

    Pain:
    No pain, no gain

    * Something positive / something I did well:
    - Finished a lot of boring, but important, reading
    - Finished all components of my D&N routines, even though my tank was running on empty during the last quarter of the day
    - Didn't let my thoughts lead me into quicksand
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2019
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  8. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    Hehe :D

    Good going! Putting limits to your negative self thought is very important, I find. Well done keeping it in check.
     
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  9. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    @Bezoechow

    Thank you for the kind words. I am trying to provide a therapeutic touch on my own with reading, meditation, and increased person-to-person interaction, but respect to you for putting yourself out there and trying different types of therapy. I hope they will give you additional perspective about yourself and serve as a future boon not just for porn recovery but also self-development.

    Here's to another day without porn, fantasy, and for me at least, masturbation and orgasm.

    Take care.
     
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  10. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    September 15, 2019

    How was today?
    Yesterday was pretty bumpy, but today was good. Finished everything on my agenda, and spent some of my extra time helping out someone I know who is sick with diverticulitis.

    Urges:
    Not too bad, but I still hate ‘em. Wish I could throw them into a black hole and watch them get spaghettified.

    Emotions:
    People in my surroundings were a bit mopey (understandably so for the most part) today, but thankfully this just energized me to be proactive and helpful. During the evening I felt a bit…forlorn? Not sure how to describe it.

    Cognition:
    Verbal fluency was a bit weak.

    Pain:
    It’s like I can sense the lost tissue even though it’s no longer there. I’ve heard similar stories about people who have lost limbs.

    * Something positive / something I did well:
    - Helped out someone who needed it
    - Was friendly to those I met outside when I was running errands
    - I passed a guy asking for money on the street, but I was caught up in my own plans and thoughts when he spoke to me, so I just waved my hand and walked on by without acknowledging him or making eye contact. Soon after, I felt bad about how I potentially came off as rude, so I got some cash back at the store, walked back to where he was, and gave him $10. I apologized for “ignoring” him earlier, handed him the bill, and he responded with gratitude and a smile. It felt good.
     
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2019
    JD1981, nuclpow and Bezoechow like this.
  11. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    @NewStart19

    Thanks for being in my corner, you are very motivating and also very positive. I’ve heard that diverticulitis is terrible, I hope your friend can make it through with the least amount of pain. Thx again
     
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  12. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    @JD1981

    You're welcome. I just want the both of us to get past this limiting influence and have a better life.

    Thanks for the kind words. She is doing better now.
     
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  13. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    September 18, 2019

    How was today?
    My sleeping schedule has become pretty awful again, but at least today was surprisingly productive. I got a ton of things done. I am going to try to start fixing my sleep schedule, which means only a little bit of sleep tomorrow and a day full of sleep-deprived discomfort, so I will need to be wary tomorrow, since my chance of relapse greatly increases when I am tired.

    Urges:
    Not too bad today, but I was reflecting on how dangerous they can be. They’re like tinder. One second its dry, and the next, due to some external influence, it’s quickly ablaze. It is exhausting having to be on guard for each and every moment of the day. I try not to think more about this addiction than I need to, as I feel like that inflates the addiction, but, at the same time, staying vigilant is draining because you never know when urges are going to strike. Having a plan is good, but for me (and maybe I unique in this?) being an addict for so long across so many situations has created a plethora of triggers. It's hard to live life and make it through the day. I need to become more ok with doing nothing when the going gets tough.

    Emotions:
    I wouldn’t call today a roller coaster, but they were a bit scattered.

    Cognition:
    Was able to remain pretty focused, though my thoughts were hazy at times. Verbal fluency was ok. Not good but not terrible.

    Pain:
    Some aching

    * Something positive / something I did well:
    - Followed through with some boring studying
    - Compiled some old notes I was meaning to get around to for months
     
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  14. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    September 19, 2019

    How was today?

    Productive! I’m tired so I’ll keep this nice and concise.

    Urges:
    Had a couple of flashes but kept them at bay.

    Emotions:
    Had a trough during the evening. Felt low due to a perceived lack of compassion. Was a bit rough taking the weight of it raw with no substitutes.

    Cognition:
    Focus was good. Fragmented at times but good. Memory wasn’t bad surprisingly.

    Pain:

    Sticking

    * Something positive / something I did well:

    - There was a seagull that was ill and crash-landed in the back. It was too weak to fly. Tried to give it some food and space and called animal control so that they could hopefully relocate and maybe treat it. Thought it was a better idea than just letting it outside the building and having it navigate the world in its infirm state
     
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  15. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    That's what she said. :D This is the hard part of recovery in my experience. Every time you can get through it without relapsing it gets easier. Good job.
     
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  16. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    @Bezoechow

    Is that association you formed a sign of your normal libido coming back online? ; )

    Today had its own batch of challenges, but I made it through without being compromised.

    Thanks for checking in Bezoechow. Appreciate it.
     
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  17. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    September 21, 2019

    How was today?
    Wow! So sleep-deprived today. In spite of that though, I was able to get some big-ticket things done and keep myself up long enough to help get my sleeping schedule back on track WITHOUT fantasizing or giving into urges (being sleep-deprived or tired are big time triggers for me). So regardless of how I feel physically or emotionally, today was a triumph.

    Urges:
    After getting my main task done in the morning, urges were deviously knocking at my door at random intervals throughout the day. The fatigue combined with the urge-induced exhaustion was pretty bad, but I made it through without relapsing. Really fantastic.

    Emotions:
    Not bad. Barring the tiredness, I felt alright. Had a surge of compassion during the evening. Haven't felt that in a while. It was refreshing.

    Cognition:
    Pretty sharp considering how sleep-deprived I was.

    Pain:
    Nothing too noticeable. Some aching here and there I guess.

    * Something positive / something I did well:
    - Got two important tasks done today. No BS. No excuses. No relapsing
    - Put myself out there during an evening walk to try and help someone out of compassion
     
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  18. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    September 22, 2019

    How was today?:
    In one word? Tough! Crappy mood, urges and/or withdrawals all day! But made it through with no fantasy, no porn, no masturbation.

    Urges:
    They incessantly nipped at me all day long. Never indulged, which was great, but damn was it exhausting.

    Emotions:
    I could tell from the moment I woke up my mood was terrible, which in a way was good because it made me aware of the fact that today was going to be a trying day, so I needed to be especially careful. My companions today were intense irritability, restlessness and frustration, and it didn't matter what I did. Everything seemed to add fire to the flames. Strangely, anxiety wasn’t present. It never misses an opportunity like this, so I suppose it's absence is something to be thankful for.

    As an aside, I think Gabe Deem is a great guy trying to make a difference, so please don't take this as a jab, but I remember him saying in one video that “with patience, support, a willingness to go through a little bit of pain to get better, recovery is possible.” (Quote is taken from this video) This always stuck with me. A little bit of pain? I can’t speak for everyone’s experience, but, for me, recovery is a grueling, painful, and exhausting process. Do I feel this way every day? No. Do things gradually get better? Yea. But it definitely isn't a little bit of pain.

    I am not straight white-knuckling my way through it. I practice addition over deletion, try to be more social and kinder to others, focus on dealing with other negatives in my life, work toward developing a life plan and better future, plus loads more, and I know that’s the ticket, but there are times, like today, where the addiction relentlessly bears down on me and all I can do is suffer through it.

    Anyway, mini-rant over. Maybe I am more susceptible to urges and withdrawals than the average person, but at times I feel like the agonizing aspects of recovery are downplayed; however, regardless of the veracity of my impression, I know things will get better at some point and I just have to keep soldiering on.

    Cognition:
    It was hard to be productive as any and everything I tried seem to make me feel worse and push me closer to wanting to indulge in urges, so I didn’t really get a chance to explore my cognition. I’ll say NA for this category today.

    Pain:
    A bit more painful. I am not sure exactly what happened, but I woke up in the middle of the night with my pants and underwear off and a hard-on, so maybe my member came into contact with the bedding while in it’s erect state, and that irritated it a bit. There was no mess or fluids present, so I must’ve just subconsciously removed them without doing anything else (or having any wet dreams), something which hasn’t happened in a while but has occurred during my previous recovery attempts. Anyway, I have no memory of it, but either way, good thing I made the first floor, which is where I sleep, a no tech-device area. Even if my half-awake self wanted to relapse, it would have had to walk all the way upstairs and turn on my phone or computer to do so, and at that point I’d be fully awake and stop myself. Planning ahead of time for these uncontrollable disasters really is crucial.

    * Something positive / something I did well:
    - Didn’t relapse! That’s all I can say, but it was quite the victory. I am comfortable with just that for today
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2019
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I can definitely relate to how painful not going back to the addiction can be at times.

    We often hear how recovery is a journey and when you're in that early euphoric phase of "I'm gonna get my life together" you feel like it's gonna be an adventure (which it is at times) and that it's only gonna be a bit of pain here and there and a whole lot of fun.

    In truth, there are moments when living without the numbing agent means dealing with despair that is literally indescribable. It feels like you're about to go completely insane. Handling life sober.

    It's just dealing with life and it's pressures without the addiction that is so hard.

    Some have made it though, they learned new ways to deal with this pain. Maybe they realized they had a serious problem underneath that needed a better solution then addictions. Or maybe they just learned with sufficient time to handle the stress naturally (best case scenario of course).

    Well just wanted to say you are definitely not alone in the deep pain you're feeling. My day today sucked ass and everything seemed to say "dude go get that sex dopamine hit. Go get it! Now!" Yet I knew it was probably the wrong thing to do...
     
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  20. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Active Member

    @Thelongwayhome27

    Thank you for writing this. I think part of me just wanted someone to echo my experience that there are parts of this that are beyond awful, not as hyperbole, but because that is how the actual experience can be.

    I definitely want to be one of those that made it. The first reason is because the thought of dying addicted is anathema to me, be it to porn, alcohol, or any other behavioral/substance addiction. The second one is that I'd love to influence at least one person, who sees parts of their porn experience in mine, to realize that recovery is possible for them.

    Well done making it through another day PMO-free! I hope that things get a bit easier for you at work during the days to come.

    Take care
     

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