It's been a month already... wow. I have been clean for sixty-something days, no porn no masturbation. I was challenged by a friend, whom shared about a feminist we know. Before I was really aware of her story I had tits flying across my screen. Also, a few news sites I read on had triggering material, and also an online book store. Apparently, nudity is something that people can discuss without getting fully obsessed. Woops . Honestly, I felt a rush of energy but then the realisation those images weren't good to me. I read the page, took a moment to reflect, and continued what I needed to do. And since about three days I have been experiencing weird, obsessive thoughts and fantasies. A combination of models I used to look at, mixed with sexual fantasies... this mixture keeps playing around in my head, sapping me of focus and energy. Yesterday I went to a meeting and fella shared her life story.. about attachment to a caregiver (lack thereof), which I have too (I pressume) My parents weren't very emotionally available, never asking how I feel, never giving the attention I felt I deserved. It's quite interesting because last week I signed up for addiction counselling and the employee asked whether I knew why I was addicted- what was behind my addiction? I'm still shocked because it's another blow for my addiction, I feel it is hard to concede to the fact I am an addict and my behavior has to change. My mind is racing and I don't really know what to do or how to feel
Well thankfully.. I just read my October 29th post and I must say I am not in 'the grind' anymore... I have been seeing my doctor for a few times now, I have medication to lighten my insomnia and very often the meds work. Even though, last four days I have been seeing my ceiling and my clock too often again, I still have hard time getting through the day. On the contrary... I have been clean for 72 days but still there's danger around the corner. Last night I had a wet dream and today my addiction is rearing its head, its a physical unrest... just a fucking nuisance. My body wants another shot, because it feels deprived from something good... but I know too well the trap. At least I am happy, I have set up a list of goals, activities that are healthy for the body, mind and soul. I've just read through the list and put up a nice techno mix I haven't really listened in a long time(years). Feels good, feels safe and feels far away from using porn or sex.
I am feeling down today, upset, tired, depressed. Not much interesting going on, had some brunch with the family, did some book keeping, and now in the library to do some other work like reading online and 12 step work. Just for today.
Ironically, the depression wasn't really - there's it was the addiction getting back to me because I wasn't taking care of myself. Both my coach and my sponsor informed me they saw it coming, and they weren't too impressed. Fortunately, their support was stronger than their criticism - I added some behaviors that I didn't recognise as addictive behavior but actually were. Also I wasn't taking care of myself - I wasn't giving my body the attention it deserves, I wasn't giving my possessions the care they need, I wasn't giving my feelings the room to be. So now I have weekly days to take care of myself. Tomorrow, I'll be cleaning my little crib, front to back, dry and wet. Then, I'll do my laundry and while that one is going round and round, I'll be going round and round on my skateboard for an hour of 2. On Wednesday's I have another day of cleaning and chores - and a round of sports with my coach. Both Sundays and Tuesdays I tend to do another work out. I go to meetings 3 times a week, having time to reflect on my addiction(s), having the possibility to share my feelings, being a support to others or receiving support from others. Still... sometimes my thoughts go astray, female body parts and positions flying through my head. That's why I keep coming back to these forums, to get some thoughts out of my head to try to make sense of it.
Well I am back to these forums to share a bit about my current state but also to catch up on my recovery. Last week I relapsed on my 7th month, which I felt bad about the same moment I came. It's still a tragic way to cope with life but at least I recognise the sadness and isolation I used to be in. I had a rough week with saying a lot of goodbye; my best friend left to live abroad, my coach is getting a new job somewhere else and my therapy ended. My coach informed me that I could have an additional addiction and he was right. I was shaken by this finding but taking responsibility is at the core of proper recovery. So I took action and went for a 3rd rehab and well that wasn't fun the first month I can tell you. End of July I finished my daily therapy, but as mentioned had to say good bye a few times too many. Loots of pushing away bad feelings and... well almost areason to watch porn and give in. Two small, silly things happened and enabled my relapse.. or at least gave me 2 reasons to abuse myself again. But I've learned any bad day only has 24 hours, so the next day I was able to recover a bit and focus on rebooting my life again. Therapy was intense but very, very rewarding and I am glad I had such a intensive schedule; 13 weeks, about 20 hours a week and not a single meeting was missed. I am proud to have completed the therapy and currently me and my rehab coach are looking into finding a way out into 'normal' life, having a decent job, having healthy habits, having healthy friends and so on. I picked up running again, along with some other small work outs. I feel great physically, therefor mentally I've been able to grow. The reason I am back is that I have been on and off on recovery for about... 8 years and some years I have been very active on these forums. I want to pick up the piece I have left behind the past few years. I haven't been around for a long time.. so I'll let you know what's what.
I've been off the radar for a few months. Last week I slipped back, managed to find the culprit and have good faith in another clean reboot. "Fall seven times, get up 8 times ". I came to realise I was wrong about my specific addiction; I allowed myself to peek at women wearing clothes( bathing suits, bikini's and so on) because it 'wasn't nude anyway' . It was a delusion that allowed me to indulge in fantasy and lose my senses. It was a stepping stone towards watching nude images and even various sorts of hardcore porn. The thought process baffles me to be honest. Porn addiction really cripples ethical and rational thinking. I'm just here to get some feedback from the community, journal on my daily struggles and use forums TO SHARE AND BUILD A HEALTHY LIFE. Browsing forums has been part of my addiction, too. Too many hours have I wasted finding a gallery or set, finding a pose or body part that was matching my sick fantasies. Now, I want to be on the forums for a greater good, something bigger than us, this to keep me sane and clean. I relapsed last week for nearly 7 days straight - from Friday to Friday. The coming weeks I'm afraid to have withdrawal (insomnia, belly aches, belching) symptoms that I've learned are recurring after a week of heavy masturbation and porn usage. Porn is like cocaine to my brain and ejaculating is like heroine. Not the healthiest, eh?! I'm just utterly done with addiction and I've learned I need to relearn how to deal with emotions; letting them be or sharing them with others. This is essential for me to stop using porn. The more stress/tensions/emotions I endure, the more I long for drugs, sex, or whatever addictive activity I used to be/ am familiar with. Edit: clean time somewhere last Friday 28th, I don't know what time or how long I needed but I certainly recall being completely lost in watching porn on my phone and after 'waking up ' realising it was another shit show. In hindsight, now I realise that is a symptom of total loss; not knowing what when and why I did something. I was completely porn drunk last Friday and only able to get back to my senses after relapsing and regretting everything.
It's great you are now back on the horse. I know what you mean about regretting all the time wasted searching for the 'perfect' image. Yes, your mind will trick you, 'it's okay to search for these images as they are not porn'. But any image you use for sexual gratification reinforces the addictive pathways. These days I'm trying to avoid (or at least not dwell on) fantasies too.
Will long on every other week from 13/10/2016. Ha! Well, to tell you the truth I have been going to meetings every week for the last 3 years. I might have skipped one or 2 weeks here or there, but you know... dedication and perseverancepay off. I have been blessed with some great paradigm shifts in my life; living on my own, not drinking, not drugging( street and/or prescription), not lying.. Meetings have helped me a lot, but there's a post about sleep habits that is just ouf of this world, so helpful. So I decided to come back. About 43 days porn clean and 60 days masturbation(w/porn). I just read a post that edging might cause semen leakage. I think that is what I 'enjoy'. Don't do porn, stay in school kids. https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/for...ing-to-sleep-for-rebooters.32728/#post-517237
