A better life ahead

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Rengaw, Jun 5, 2020.

  1. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Hi all,

    Long time member, got here aged 25 and now about 6 years later I am still dealing with my porn addiction.
    Fortunately enough I am dealing with my addiction in a responsible way. Porn wasn't my first addiction, I have been addicted to gaming, prescription meds, cocaine, and after prescription meds essentially my porn use escalated.

    I used porn to relieve stress, shut down my head and stop worrying. This started somewhere beginning of college, maybe 9 years ago. The past decade I have lost various healthy ways to relax and ultimately I could not graduate, my ex- girlfriend broke up and I lost about 3 or 4 jobs.

    Right now, after visiting two rehab programs I have managed to quite alcohol and drugs completely, and I am now attending SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, the AA for sex/porn addicts) meetings, frequently calling fellows ('members') and I am extremely grateful to be able to express my feelings and experiences through the group.

    Right now, I am 2 weeks clean and I looked at my topic, realising it's in the wrong section. I am in my 30ies and really, really done with my addict life.

    I've looked and found a coach whom specialises in addictions and he supports me, focusing on areas of my life that need support (hobbies and spare time, housing conditions, money and finance, and so on). He's straight forward and understanding, which is good. He told me he sees a lot of anxiety, which I am no stranger to, but I feel less anxiety than a month or 6 months ago.

    I am getting more confident in what I am doing at work, with people and so on. I do feel like I am surviving my addiction from time to time, but the trend line is up.
    There is a better life ahead, and from time to time I'll share some news in this topic.
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2020
  2. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Congrats on two weeks.
    Keep it up.
     
    Rengaw likes this.
  3. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Thanks Shady, I've doubled the 2 weeks by now. It's still a challenge not to fall back into old habits tho.

    I have been feeling really tired from Monday and frankly it's partially stress, partially the coming for summer.
    Can't sleep, triggers stress, binds me to old habits. Scanning socials, feeling sorry for myself, not writing things down.
    I have lost my focus a bit, going to socials and downloading Tinder to make me feel less lonely.

    Thankfully, this balloon has popped - I am aware that it is a way to forget about my loneliness.
    I noticed this just today because I have seen I got stuck in the Tinder trap.
    Instead of attention seeking I now observe my feelings and see what is what.

    I am actively trying to find culprits and either accept them or improve them. It's actually part of the SLAA and I am happy to use their wisdom and support to find a better me.
     
    Shady and NewStart19 like this.
  4. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    What your coach advice about MO? Cut it completely?
     
  5. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Hi Kurkuror,

    He has not really adviced me on controlled use, because focusing on recovery as a whole is more important. It's not healthy to allow an addict to maintain his crutch, it's about replacing it with something more valuable. Coping mechanisms come in many shapes and sizes and addiction is probably the worst shape and in my case, also the wrong size. Definetely too big.

    I relapsed Friday, I could not stop looking up porn and I masturbated for an hour. After work, same old same old - could not stop looking at porn and edging, eventually I ended the day and MOd right before going to sleep.

    Today I am feeling urges, which sucks. I forgot about it. I forgot how deeply rooted addiction is, both the compulsive masturbation, the compulsive porn browsing but also the obsessive thoughts and looking at women in the streets. That 's how it went - oogling women in the streets, creating obsessive thoughts and fueled by anxiety and stress.
    The stress is caused by not knowing what will happen to my job, because of an upcoming reorganisation.

    However, I am employed through an employement agency, and I feel it is necessary to get in touch with them. I am already thinking about getting a different job because I have been interested in different industries for a long time already.
    I need to call the agency to get informed about my rights and duties.
    This will help to get som clarity and thus less stress.

    As for recovery itself, I am calling a lot of fellows of the SLAA, I try to keep track of what I have learned myself and I try to merge all the info.

    Easier said than done, because over the years I have collected a lot of insights and it's an ever changing process. And I just want it to be ' over' ...
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2020 at 12:53 PM
    -Luke- likes this.

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