A battle joined

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Moth to a flame, Jan 6, 2020.

  1. Moth to a flame

    Moth to a flame New Member

    Hello and happy new year. I'm a 55 year old male who has battled porn addiction for over 40 years. I started with masturbation to softcore images around age 12 and progressed to porn mags and videos. The internet for the past 20 years has been a problem for me. I have tried repeatedly to overcome it but with limited success.
    I am writing this journal as a record of my recovery.
    I want to thank Saville as I recently found his journal and it encourages me tremendously! I have PIED and I
    have a difficult time even getting aroused to porn. I began to wonder if I can ever return to a normal sex life. I began to worry that age and porn had done me in. Saville's story is somewhat similar to mine. I haven't had intercourse with my wife in over a year. She's not the problem, I am. Just knowing that there's a guy my age who hadn't had sex for a long time and got his mojo back inspires me.
    I had some success in the past. I was clean for six months leading into last summer and relapsed. I have accountability software on my devices and have accountability partners I can contact but I have found ways around the software and quite honestly, the accountabilty partners are much younger than I and I don't believe they can relate to what I am going through.
    My goal is to stay away from porn and masturbation. I do want to have sexual intimacy with my wife so I will not deny that if the opportunity presents itself. I am hoping to see results after 120 days of purity. I'm not focusing on days per se but it is a goal for now.
    I'm not able to share this recovery with my wife. She found my porn addiction five years ago and thinks I quit.
    Sadly I have not been able and she has endured so much pain because of my selfishness that I can not tell her the truth. My hope is to overcome and repair our sex life/relationship. Once we are in a safer place I will be honest with her.
    I have been clean for six days now. I have to confess that I gave myself some freedom to indulge in PMO right up to new year's eve. I understand the damage I did to my brain and I am fighting now to restore it.
    I am a religious man and I thank God for my inability to get turned on by porn. If I could get away with it I would not have stopped PMO.
    I know it won't be easy. To think otherwise would be delusional. I want to look back and see where I was and rejoice in having recovered.
     
    positivef likes this.
  2. Moth to a flame

    Moth to a flame New Member

    I have had some counseling both Christian based and secular. Oddly enough, the Christian counseling understood the effects of porn on the brain. I completed the Christian counseling about a year ago and was in an accountability group until Spring of 2019. There were four of us in the group. We disbanded so the others could form new groups and help guys who were just getting started with recovery. I wanted a break after almost two years of counseling, homework, and group sessions. We were pretty open with each other and I loved the time together. I wasn't able to stay away from PMO and so I sought out a prominent sex counselor in my area to see if there was more to learn.
    He has written books on sexuality and has been counseling for 30 years. He did not accept the notion that I had done damage to my brain. He said the studies were not supportive. He attributed my PIED to anxiety. My wife had a session with him and we did a couples session with him as well. My wife latched on to his notion that I am an anxious person. If you know me you would say that I am far from anxious. I am very calm and quite easy going. I do have sexual performance anxiety but I'm not a bundle of nervousness in general. Anyway, I quit the counseling because I fundamentally disagree with his diagnosis. I read a great speech given by Dr Donald Hilton Jr about neuroplasticity and porn addiction. I know what the problem is and now I'm done with the credentialed experts and I'm now learning from the experts - guys who have overcome the addiction.
     
  3. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Welcome to the forum, Moth to flame:)

    Your comment

    is a bit of a paradox. Which came first? The safer place, or the honesty?

    My experience tells me they come at the same time, although on the surface, in a seemingly illogical and organic fashion.

    Emotions will do that.

    Keep posting!
     
  4. positivef

    positivef Member

    Interesting that the Christian councillor had more knowledge on the workings of the brain. I too started with physical media porn, like I guess many in our age group did. Having constant internet access to porn definitely changes the game. Good luck!
     
  5. positivef

    positivef Member

    The Matrix is definitely worth watching. I enjoyed the two sequels too, despite there flaws. However, if you don't want to watch:

    "The red pill and blue pill is a popular meme representing a choice between taking a "red pill", that reveals the unpleasant knowledge and the cruel truths of every day life, and taking a "blue pill" to remain in ignorance."

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_pill_and_blue_pill

    Red pill is especially associated with the men's rights movement.
     
  6. positivef

    positivef Member

    I know it's not about the film, but Matrix 4 supposedly coming out in May 2020.

    Back on topic. @Moth to a flame if you don't feel anxious but some people think you are, perhaps they are incorrectly reading some signal you are giving?
     

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