A 112 Day Experiment

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Jam, Sep 21, 2016.

  1. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    Hi All,

    I started the journey that led me here about a month ago. I've been lurking for couple of weeks unsure of whether to start a journal or not. It has felt strange to share something so personal in a public forum. Also, I want to be an active member of this community, but confess I don't feel I have a lot to offer at this point. However, I have been encouraged by reading the journals of others. I was struck by the advice of several people that I need to have a plan in place. Posting and participating here seems like a good place to start. I don't know how much I will have to offer. I want to post regularly, but am not sure I am up to putting something down every day. A lot of you out there have been on this journey a while, but for me it has really just started. So I am just learning.

    My story: - I am 52. I have been happily married for 25 years. Obviously, there are ups and downs, but my life has basically been pretty good, though a lot of work related stress. I started PMO probably around 2006 or so. It was an occasional thing. 2-3 times a month.I had a lot of guilt associated with it and went through this phase of PMO - guilt - break - PMO. This went on for a couple of years. Over time this increased to 1-3 times a week. Same guilt cycle, the breaks where just becoming shorter. This plateau actually lasted quite a while. It was only a couple of years ago that things started coming completely off the rails. My PMO was up to about 5-7 times a week. I was starting to edge, which had not been the case before. My tastes started to get a little more off the beaten path, too. Same guilt cycle, very short break time. I kept telling myself I would stop, but we know how that story goes. It was also around this time that I began having a little bit of ED. I chalked it up to aging. About three months ago, things got completely whacked. I was PMOing pretty much every day and sometimes 3 times a day. My tastes continued to get weirder and I was edging for longer and longer times. I kept making excuses. Telling myself I was doing it because I was bored (I was bored). But I was also really becoming alarmed. I wasn't really me anymore. I was functioning in life (but not in bed), but barely. About a month ago I stumbled onto a TED Talk and YBOP - it blew me away. It was a relief, too. I knew something was wrong. YBOP helped me to identify that and started getting me thinking about strategies to stop. Reading there and on some boards like this one, I was so encouraged by guys that were willing to share their stories, their struggles and their successes.

    About a month ago I decided I needed to stop PMO. I needed to reboot and I needed to be off it for good - at least that was/is the goal. The first week I edged twice with no O. The second week, two sessions of PMO. Since then (Sept 10) I have been clean. No PMO, no MO, trying to limit all sexual thoughts for now. I guess that means I am on day 12. My goal is December 31st for the reboot. I plan to keep on after that, but that is my initial target. I feel like I flatlined immediately. Is that possible? It has been helpful as I haven't had a lot of urges. I've installed a web filter and given the password to my wife. I also have a friend with the same struggle who is an accountability partner. Yesterday was definitely the most difficult day for me so far. I wasn't super tempted, but I just felt uncomfortable a lot. Kind of a restlessness - pretty sure it was my brain wanting dopamine.

    I travel a lot and when I am on the road it is much harder to stay clean than at home - or at least that is my expectation. Part of my hope for this journal and this board is to help me on the road. A lot of down time and a lot of boredom. Right now, being busy at home helps a lot.

    A final thought for now. I have understood the idea of 'one day at a time,' but it has always seemed impossible. It's made about as much sense as walk on water. However in the past few days I think it is starting to become more real for me. It is difficult to imagine making it to January 1st without PMO (or MO, I hope). It's crazy considering where I have just been. Thinking about never viewing porn again, man, I can't even fathom that. But here is the new thing. I can make it today. I can do what it takes to not PMO today. I am confident of that - not flippantly, but I know I want it. I'll keep busy. I'll walk away. I'll work out. I have no idea how I can possibly make it 112 days. But I can make it today.

    So for the first, but not the last time (I hope), I'll sign off with what so many others do - one day at a time.
     
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're already are doing great. The walk begins and we just keep walking. You have lots to contribute already so keep posting.

    Peace, bro'.
     
  3. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Thanks for sharing your story Jam, it resonates with me. Whenever I feel the urge I come here and read journals of fellow men or reflect on the guilt, depletion and depression that follows a PMO session. The flatline started for me too pretty much straight after quitting. Yet last night (day 40) I woke up with a nice boner, did not last very long but at least something still works :)
    Wishing you courage on your journey.
     
  4. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    Thanks for the encouragement Saville. I have really appreciated the positive energy you bring to this board. It means a lot. I hope you know that.

    Thanks, for the reply bobjes - 40 Days on - way to go. I hope I can follow your example and that is why I joined this board - so I could log on and connect, especially when the struggle gets intense. Thanks also for the response on the flatline - I thought it was weird that it seemed so automatic. It still scares the crap out of me and I wonder what damage I have done. - Glad to hear you've got the equipment coming round again.

    So Day 12 is winding down. The morning was a struggle. I felt out of it - kind of weird in the head (didn't get much sleep last night). My brain kept telling me to just get some release and everything would be fine. Damn liar! Finally I just said fuck it and I watched a video by Gabe Deem on withdrawal effects, took a cold shower and ran some errands. Afternoon went more smoothly. At this point I am not feeling much temptation to watch P, my brain just wants the dopamine high. It makes me feel a little edgy and restless, but not really in a horny way.

    Final thought for now - I knew I had a problem. I wasn't in denial about that (it was pretty damn obvious). It took me a while to admit I was an addict, but that, too, was self-evident. But what I am learning now is how I tended to minimize it even while admitting it. I think this reboot is allowing me to see the extent of my addiction. I am so grateful for the science that has been done. It makes it easier to see what exactly is going on. That has been a crucial tool.

    Hoping all of you stay strong and we'll deal with tomorrow when it gets here.
     
  5. Tony74

    Tony74 Guest

    Welcome to the site Jam. You so eloquently captured what has worked for me during this process... Its not about looking too far down the road but focusing on learning to make the best decisions for yourself that honors your true self in each present moment, to the best of our abilities, which leads to hours which leads to days...you string enough days together and you have yourself an enjoyable life... You seem to be off to a great start and I'm very happy to have you aboard. Wishing you the best on your journey.

    And you seem to already understand my daily motto...

    One day at a time...
     
  6. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    Hey Musicman - yeah, it is seeing your motto posted repeatedly that really got me thinking about it. It finally started to click at some more visceral level a few days ago. Thanks for the welcome. I am glad to be here (well, you know what I mean). And I am looking to you guys who have been down the road a lot farther than me, to give me some guidance.
     
  7. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    Day 13 begins - slept well and feeling better than yesterday. Over the last few days there has been some NW and MW, not sure what it means as there is still no real desire - other than for this fucking PMO/dopamine hit. But that feels manageable right now.

    I need a more productive day today. This has been a lie I have given in to before - just get the PMO out of the way so I can concentrate on my work - Ha! But that lie floats out there still. Today again, I will do what it takes. I have to. I want out. I'm taking Musicman's comments to heart - making good decisions for me moment by moment. I'll let the outcome of today be the sum of my many choices. I still have no idea how I can give this up permanently, or how I will make 112 days. I can make it today though.

    Final thought here - the ED is disconcerting. I think that has been one key motivator for a lot of us - but I also know that I want my fucking mind back. PMO was ruling me. Even in this recovery it is still there - an ever-present thought hovering. Another piece of advice I got is to stop thinking about not doing it. I'll aim for that a bit more intentionally today. This is really hard - rewiring my brain - changing years of thought patterns and pain avoidance.

    It's encouraging to know I am not walking this road alone - peace.
     
  8. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Jam, I'm about a week ahead of you. I've got my mind back and starting to see signs that the ED will improve. I've been through this before. I went pretty far (like 180 days if I remember) and had a fully functioning equipment set and a mostly functioning mind. I didn't focus on completing the mind work so I ended back in the pit.

    The ED will take care of itself with time and patience.

    Work on the mind stuff. I have found that that is what is needed to build resiliency for living without PMO after the reboot succeeds.

    Good luck!

    Rugger
     
  9. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    Hey Rugger, thanks. I am trusting that things will sort themselves out. Trying to be patient, but it is scary at times. It's encouraging to hear though. Any tips on the mind stuff? I've been working on some things outside of the PMO issue for a while - mindfulness/meditation, getting job lined up with who I am, etc. If you went 180 days - that is really something. So please feel free to pass on any thoughts you have on how to do the mind work I need to. Getting to 112 days seems somehow remotely possible, but a lifetime I really can't fathom right now, so I want to put in the work necessary.

    Day 14 begins. I feel pretty positive at the moment. Yesterday was a much better day. I was productive and upbeat most of the time. Still spent way too much time thinking about no PMO (but no real thoughts of PMO). I'd like to get to a point where it isn't such an ever-present thought. But right now, it feels like I have to stay super-aggressive to get this momentum building. I'm desperate to make my goal and do this reboot. I want to see what is on the other side.

    So far I am finding that I don't really miss the porn much at all. I'm surprised and grateful. However, I do miss that feeling of totally checking out on stress for a while and the charge of edging and release. It's weird, but it feels like there is some sort of low-grade electrical buzz running from nads through my abdomen to my brain. I am pretty sure it is actually running the other way - my brain is craving the dopamine. Another weird thing is I think I kind of miss the habit - it feels like there is something missing from my life. The positive to that is I have more time to do other things - but I have to stay busy. I have to fight off the boredom. It is amazing to think how much this PMO permeated my daily life. Glad to be letting it go - but it feels weird at times.

    I am down into double digits towards my goal. That snuck up on me. Not a big thing, but a small milestone. So today, I am committed to doing what it takes to make it. I'll stay busy. I'll keep active and work out. I'll do some mind/heart work. The weekend approaches and I am looking forward to that. So good to spend time with the family. Keeps the boredom and restlessness at bay. Have a little bit of trepidation about the possibility of making love. I've been in hard mode for a couple of weeks. Not sure what the weekend holds for my wife and me...

    A final thought - yesterday I began wondering if anything had changed for me yet. I wondered if anything should have changed so soon? My life outside of this PMO thing goes on as it has - not looking for huge changes there. So a lot feels the same. But as I reflected on it, I did realize one subtle change. I feel better about myself. It just feels good to be heading down this road - even if it is a slow one day a at time approach. I hated the porn (mixed feelings about the MO thing - but I'm leaving that for now, to see what I feel about it after the reboot). I was ashamed. I hated that part of me on the inside that didn't match who I was on the outside. I like Musicman's emphasis on being authentic. I don't feel like there are huge life changes for ahead for me - but this area was just so incongruent with who I want to be and was keeping me from being that person, from being true to myself - or becoming the best version of myself. So even after just these few days, I do feel better about myself. There is a bit more bounce in my step. A bit more intensity in my workout. A bit more excitement about my wife and kids. Not huge, but a change. It feels like everyday I was getting my ass kicked by the neighborhood bully. The physical part of the ass-kicking sucked, but there was a huge emotional toll, too - the shame, feeling like a failure, the sense that this was just the inevitable pattern of my life. But for two weeks I have been standing up to that bully. I'm not kicking his ass, I'm just not letting him bully me. And that does feel good. Really good.

    I appreciate you guys out there walking on this road with me. It means a lot. It gives me hope and strength. Let's make it through this day. Let's do whatever it takes. Cue Aragorn's speech at the Gates of Mordor. ;D
     
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This low-grad buzzing was very prevalent with me at the beginning. It feels like water torture. But, it gets better. I still feel charged up quite a lot of the time, but I know it is my fucking awesome energy urging me to do something creative. At the beginning the brain absolutely does crave it's fix through PMO or MO. As time moves on our brains begin to accept other pleasures, such as a walk, or working on a project we'd left for too long. Most people who have this addiction have little energy to do the good stuff. When we give up P and M we are left with this buzz, but usually feel tired; I was exhausted at the beginning. While we are engaged in P we wish we had the energy to do other tasks. When we give up P we are looking for a resurgence of energy to help all our dreams come true. We only have one energy source, one motivator, and so feeling that restless energy in our loins is actually a good thing. It means our fire is stoked. We just have to learn how to harness the flames and not let it burn out through P.
     
  11. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    Hey Saville, I haven't gotten to the place where the buzz leads to creativity yet (it's early), but I am hopeful. I used to be an avid reader. 4-8 books a month avid. In the last few years I can barely read at all. I have wondered if PMO was the reason, but then just figured I'm bored with reading. It is hard to find things that engage me. After reading more on PMO addiction, I am wondering if that is part of it. It's hard to compete with the fun color moving pictures of the internet. So, I am hoping that in time maybe my brain will be reset and that lost joy of a good book will return.

    I just reread Underdog's epic post. Contemplating my journey, thinking about how to make it stick, how to recover and not just abstain. Some of what he wrote really rings true. Some of it, like life purpose, I am already doing and was working on before I got serious/informed about PMO addiction. As I wrote before, I think some pieces coming together put me in a place where I can tackle this PMO a little more aggressively and holistically. But a couple of things I am wrestling with -

    1. I get the idea of not thinking about porn and focusing on rebuilding my life, my future, etc. The problem is, porn had become such a huge part of my life and my coping mechanism. I feel like if my guard isn't up right now, I could get ambushed. So I am kind of wondering about this piece. I come here every day and multiple times a day right now, because it is part of my strategy to keep my mind focused on the reboot. Not arguing with Underdog's point - just pondering the application for me.

    2. I totally get the idea of the spreadsheet as opposed to a counter. I am 100% on board with that concept. I guess what I am thinking right now is that I am focused on a specific reboot. I really want to know what lies on the other side. I want to give my mind that enema and cleanse it a bit (or a lot). I don't know what lies beyond day 112. Maybe the spreadsheet. Maybe some changes in my approach. Maybe lightening up on my prohibition on MO (though not PMO). Maybe I'll stay the course. But I guess right now I really want to aim for that target, to reboot and reset.

    So I am here and I expect to be here daily (or more). I need help on this journey. I am genuinely encouraged by others making strides and sharing their stories, their ups and their downs. I am already deeply grateful for this community and see it as a key part of my strategy in both my reboot and my long term recovery. This journal is a bit of a weird piece for me in that I am very aware that I am writing in a public forum and so trying to do that appropriately. I am also aware that I found courage in reading other people's journals and so want to give that back (for any that want to read). At the same time, I am writing to process my journey and keep a record of where I have come from, where I've been and be reminded of where I am going. So, in that sense, it is a more personal thing. Underdog suggested to not write about the PMO as much and focus on my life in the journal entries. I do have another journal and some good stuff is going on in other facets of my life - not always easy, but in the direction I want to be headed. So for now, those two things are a bit separate. Maybe in time I'll bring some of that over here.

    So Day 14 is winding down. Not so much low grade hum today - more just being ambushed by the thought that I need to MO right now! It is kind of amusing - at the moment, there is little temptation or thought of P. My brain is pushing for MO - it's not even trying to disguise it. I feel like it is throwing temper-tantrums from time to time and saying, "Give me my dopamine fix, you punk ass bitch!"

    Family time ahead for the evening. Peace on the journey, guys.
     
  12. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Jam

    The mind stuff. It is not technique it is commitment. When I did my 180 day run every single day I thought about PMO and then something tipped me into the abyss and I was back at it.

    I do have thoughts now about MO mostly in response to stress.

    I'm stronger in this 21 day run than I was at 180 because, I think, I am 100% committed to changing my life ... not fixing my PIED but changing my life ... and with that comes powerful tools of the mind .. determination, focus, energy .. that I didn't have the last time around.

    I do cold showers. I do some mediation (not enough). I work out hard every day. On bad days I block my days off into 4 hour blocks and schedule that way.

    But this time I am truly committed to changing my life not just to stopping PMO long enough to have the PIED stop.

    I don't know you but if you are here I bet you are like me and have a life to change for the better!

    Rugger
     
  13. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Hi Jam,

    I used to be avid reader too in my youth. Then it suddenly changed to opposite. If was very difficult to focus. I would rather watch mindless tv shows with no thoughts at all. Same time I pretty much lost all spark to my creativity. I kept telling me that Im just so bored and it do no matter so much. This went for years. Only when joining this forum and reducing my P use dramatically, the joy for those things that seemed lost, came back for me, little by little. I still have some difficulty focusing for reading, but has been doing it quite constantly now, and enjoying it. I am sure that this is connected to P. It robs some essential from us, making us less that we were/are still. The joy for little things have started coming back to me, the less I use and consume P. It has been the center of our world, all other things have paled in comparison. Thats how I felt it to be. But theres so much more in life, and P is just empty, hollow lie in the end. It seems we must give up something precious, but actually its the opposite. We will get all precious things back our own life back when living without P.

    I hope strenght and resolve for you in this journey.
     
  14. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    Rugger - I sense the strength of your resolve this time. It's weird to me, but that resolve helps my resolve in some way. I wake up each morning with the thought that I may fail sometime, but it is not happening today. Thanks for clarifying on the mind piece. That is helpful to understand. I sense we share some things in common on this journey. I am not really here because of the ED. I find that to be a really helpful piece of motivation, but I'm here because I want my mind and my life back. I absolutely hated where I was and what I had become, though most of that was just on the inside. Prior to reading at YBOP and these journals, I think my mindset heading in was to just control the PMO - cut it down to a more manageable amount. That is why I am such a fan of this place - I was dooming myself from the start. So yeah, me being here and participating is because I am determined to stop and I am willing to change what I have to to achieve that. A huge test is coming up for me - a long road trip. I'll be alone. Lots of down time. Boredom. Missing family. My routines will be messed up. I am determined, but I'll be honest, I am really scared, too. I may try blocking off my days into small chunks like you do. That may be a good idea for me. So, I am still drafting (seven days) behind you. Let's do whatever it takes. I know you have some intense stuff going on. I'll be here.

    Thanks for the encouragement TT. As with the ED, I didn't really think that my lack of interest in reading could be due to the PMO. But as I get a little more distance, I do wonder how many other things have paled in comparison to all those streaming images. I think you are right that PMO just robs us of so much and it does make us into these kind of empty shells - because it is so empty. I keep using the term 'hopeful' in this journal. I am hopeful that in time, those other joys will come back. I am encouraged to hear others say that they will.

    Day 15 - Not much to say for my own part here. I'm going to try and think about not PMOing a little less today. As I wrote last night, I feel like I always need to keep my guard up. I need to be strong and focused. However, I do need to move on just a little bit. I am doing pretty well in pushing out any sexual thoughts. They come I push them aside quickly (not easy, mind you). So I am going to try and do a little more of that today. It will be a busy day around the house. Family is here, so not so much time alone. It may be easier. I do have fears though. I don't trust my brain right now. I don't blame it. I have compassion - but I know it has to be rewired.

    I look at the long path ahead and I wonder how I will do it. This morning, even looking at this day seems like a challenge, but if I fail, it is not going to be today. My will is a little weakened for some reason, but I know what I want and I will do what I have to to get there. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
     
  15. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    So I am determined to start entering shorter posts here - just not today. ;D But this is going to be an important one for me and for those that are willing to slog through it, I could really use some help. I'm going to be facing some nasty demons shortly, I believe the power of this community is one weapon I have going into that fight.

    It's Day 16 - so far so good. I'm feeling fresher, cleaner. I think there was this constant layer of guilt and shame that hung on me before. I know people talk about brain fog and I get that. But for me there was (maybe still is a bit) this dusty coat of guilty grime on the lens. Feels good to be free of that and think thoughts not tinged with guilt or shame.

    So the big deal - Later this week I head out for a business trip. A long one. Could be three weeks, or as long as six weeks depending on how things go (high stress). Guys, I am really scared. I mean that. I am scared for the obvious reasons - It upsets my routine. I lose the built-in support system of my family. Jet-lag. Loneliness and boredom. Lots of boredom. But there are some other issues involved. I first stumbled onto the wonderful world of streaming video on the road about ten years ago. And so the slow bondage began in the confines of some sterile hotel room in some forgotten city. Since then, it has been a gradual slide into this addiction, but it seems that every significant escalation in it has come in the context of being on the road or immediately (the day) after my return. So I am scared and with some very good reason. At the same time there is a tiny twinge of excitement. I have the opportunity to face and slay this dragon. I've been gifted a good run up and have some momentum. I have a plan. I have this community. I believe I can do this one day at a time, or four hours at a time, or one hour at a time. I am also going to be forced to confront some stuff within me that needs to be addressed (isolation brings it out). As the saying goes, 'Here, there be monsters.'

    So below I am laying out my plan in some detail. Anyone that cares is welcome to offer suggestions, ask questions, encourage, whatever. Some of you are much farther down the road and I may be making some rookie mistakes so please feel free to comment with anything that looks off, or better ways to address this.

    The Plan
    Big Picture: Filters are on my computer and phone. I don't have direct access to those passwords without asking my wife or friend.
    I am usually staying places where I will have access to a gym of some sort. Aiming for 5x a week, but work will dictate some of that.
    I am bringing a pack of movies that will have no nudity triggers.
    I am also bringing four books with the aim to finish two of them (the other two I am working through slowly doing a chapter a week with exercises).
    I will still be meeting (through video) with my counselor who is walking me through some interpersonal stuff.
    I am already well into a journal, reflection, meditation routine in the mornings and will look to extend that meditation time a bit. I also am looking at doing some breathing exercises. Mindfulness is a big push for me right now.
    I like what I am doing. That is good. The danger zones for me are nights and weekends and the loneliness and boredom that arise there. I will try and be proactive in looking for appropriate social opportunities (in the past I have stayed home - always had PMO to kill the boredom).

    Rules:
    1. In hotel rooms the computer (and phone) will stay on the desk and can be used there or in a chair - never on the bed or in the bathroom. This may seem stupid but it is an extension of my home policy of no computer in the bedroom. It is amazing how effective this has been in empowering me. No one is monitoring me. I have plenty of time alone when I could break the rule, but I don't. A hotel is a little bit trickier, but I am giving this a shot. I want a clear line between living/working space and sleep space.

    2. No TV - not a sacrifice, really. I haven't watched much since I was about 13. I just don't trust my brain when it is being starved (wouldn't be surprised to catch myself in the bathroom with the lingerie section of an ancient Sears Catalogue). I don't think any of the hotels I will be staying at offer P - or at least not for free - I should be okay there.

    3. Off the internet by 7:30 PM - last site I check will be here with a status update.

    4. Off the computer by 9:30 - this is only if I am watching a movie. Otherwise 7:30 will be the rule.

    5. I can only use the internet for pre-identified tasks - log on to work, check news/sports, watch Daily show, etc. I have to know exactly what I am looking for in order to log on - no bored surfing - none. (This one will be a bitch, I know)

    6. No alcohol unless it is a drink with dinner when I am out. (I'm waffling on this a bit, but figure I need to start here).

    7. If I want to change one of these rules, I need to come here and post about the change and see what the community thinks.

    8. I have some of Gabe's videos bookmarked. I will watch them as much as I need to. When I am feeling weak, I will watch one. I will also come here and post as needed.

    I think the filters will be a good deterrent for my regular P habits. I am more concerned about MO. I am worried about finding some substitutes in my desperation.

    If anybody has any other tips to pass along let me know. I have a couple days yet, so I want this 'policy' clearly laid out and set in my mind.

    Thanks for walking with me. Not sure I would have had the courage to do this before meeting this group. I would have just figured I'll white-knuckle as best as I can and fail and move on.
     
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're not going to fail. 8) Don't look for Plan B. Believe you're going to make it!

    You have a great and long list there. If there are concerts or theater you might consider that.
     
  17. Tony74

    Tony74 Guest

    I love the plan bro and I admire your courage to proceed in the face of fear. Just remember that all plans are just that plans... Reality will strike and some things you will do perfectly and others you may need much more time to master. Love yourself throughout the process. We are all here to celebrate your wins and will have your back through whatever challenges you may encounter. Excited for you and the changes that lie ahead for you...

    Much love

    One day at a time...
     
  18. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    Hey Saville, Plan B is to come here, come clean, pick myself up and keep walking. So for me, there really is no Plan B. I want this.

    MM - I hear you on it just being a plan - every fighter has a plan until he gets hit, right? Thanks for having my back. That is what I know I will be needing. I just wanted to lay this stuff out there. I do know that I have been sloppy and way overdependent on the internet to deal with boredom. So beyond the PMO thing - that usage, that attitude has to change. I need to be more proactive in dealing with boredom, especially at night - we'll see how it goes. I am learning to love myself (in a healthy way) as part of my personal work outside of the PMO stuff, but it doesn't come easy. I've got some nasties in my past and a lifetime of bad thought patterns and disliking myself.

    Day 17 - Feeling positive and proactive. A little scared about the trip - mostly just the length of it - so - one day at a time. Need to be present and focused today.

    Wishing you all peace and strength in the journey today. We can do this today.

    My thought to meditate on today - my need/desire for instant gratification takes me away from the good things that require time to develop.
     
  19. Tony74

    Tony74 Guest

    Love this thought... going to meditate on it today as well as I really need to focus on this for my current state of mind...

    One day at a time...
     
  20. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member

    Hey Jam,

    Great idea to put a plan in place for your trip. Smart thinking.

    One thing i would recommend is not spending too much time in your hotel room. Perhaps sit in the bar or cafe for a few hours with a book or a tablet. The internet doesn't have to be a bad thing. if you are using in public what's the harm?

    Maybe get out for a walk or go to the Cinema or watch a live sports match if on.

    Plenty of other things to do but I wouldn't stay in the room night after night.
     

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