Hi All, I started the journey that led me here about a month ago. I've been lurking for couple of weeks unsure of whether to start a journal or not. It has felt strange to share something so personal in a public forum. Also, I want to be an active member of this community, but confess I don't feel I have a lot to offer at this point. However, I have been encouraged by reading the journals of others. I was struck by the advice of several people that I need to have a plan in place. Posting and participating here seems like a good place to start. I don't know how much I will have to offer. I want to post regularly, but am not sure I am up to putting something down every day. A lot of you out there have been on this journey a while, but for me it has really just started. So I am just learning. My story: - I am 52. I have been happily married for 25 years. Obviously, there are ups and downs, but my life has basically been pretty good, though a lot of work related stress. I started PMO probably around 2006 or so. It was an occasional thing. 2-3 times a month.I had a lot of guilt associated with it and went through this phase of PMO - guilt - break - PMO. This went on for a couple of years. Over time this increased to 1-3 times a week. Same guilt cycle, the breaks where just becoming shorter. This plateau actually lasted quite a while. It was only a couple of years ago that things started coming completely off the rails. My PMO was up to about 5-7 times a week. I was starting to edge, which had not been the case before. My tastes started to get a little more off the beaten path, too. Same guilt cycle, very short break time. I kept telling myself I would stop, but we know how that story goes. It was also around this time that I began having a little bit of ED. I chalked it up to aging. About three months ago, things got completely whacked. I was PMOing pretty much every day and sometimes 3 times a day. My tastes continued to get weirder and I was edging for longer and longer times. I kept making excuses. Telling myself I was doing it because I was bored (I was bored). But I was also really becoming alarmed. I wasn't really me anymore. I was functioning in life (but not in bed), but barely. About a month ago I stumbled onto a TED Talk and YBOP - it blew me away. It was a relief, too. I knew something was wrong. YBOP helped me to identify that and started getting me thinking about strategies to stop. Reading there and on some boards like this one, I was so encouraged by guys that were willing to share their stories, their struggles and their successes. About a month ago I decided I needed to stop PMO. I needed to reboot and I needed to be off it for good - at least that was/is the goal. The first week I edged twice with no O. The second week, two sessions of PMO. Since then (Sept 10) I have been clean. No PMO, no MO, trying to limit all sexual thoughts for now. I guess that means I am on day 12. My goal is December 31st for the reboot. I plan to keep on after that, but that is my initial target. I feel like I flatlined immediately. Is that possible? It has been helpful as I haven't had a lot of urges. I've installed a web filter and given the password to my wife. I also have a friend with the same struggle who is an accountability partner. Yesterday was definitely the most difficult day for me so far. I wasn't super tempted, but I just felt uncomfortable a lot. Kind of a restlessness - pretty sure it was my brain wanting dopamine. I travel a lot and when I am on the road it is much harder to stay clean than at home - or at least that is my expectation. Part of my hope for this journal and this board is to help me on the road. A lot of down time and a lot of boredom. Right now, being busy at home helps a lot. A final thought for now. I have understood the idea of 'one day at a time,' but it has always seemed impossible. It's made about as much sense as walk on water. However in the past few days I think it is starting to become more real for me. It is difficult to imagine making it to January 1st without PMO (or MO, I hope). It's crazy considering where I have just been. Thinking about never viewing porn again, man, I can't even fathom that. But here is the new thing. I can make it today. I can do what it takes to not PMO today. I am confident of that - not flippantly, but I know I want it. I'll keep busy. I'll walk away. I'll work out. I have no idea how I can possibly make it 112 days. But I can make it today. So for the first, but not the last time (I hope), I'll sign off with what so many others do - one day at a time.