80 days no porn!

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by lookingforlove, Dec 7, 2012.

  1. Canada2012

    Canada2012 Active Member

    I totally am in support of free sex. That goes for any kind of consensual sex.

    I see a part of the saint-whore dichotomy in your post and it does make a bell ring in my head. Something is not kosher there, from my point of view. Maybe it's the expression 'fucking someone's brains out' which, to me, evokes a form of rough sex where the other's needs are mostly ignored. Having had in my early 20's some fantasy about rape, I thought long and hard about rough sex and ignoring my partner's need. I came up with the conclusion (reading a book called 'the politics of rape') that the exact opposite of the second is a primordial condition for the first to be really enjoyable and truly amazing. Also, I would like as a lifelong partner a woman whom I would not really take home to my mother on those days, if you know what I mean. Actually I'll explain. I'd like to be with a woman who has a wild sex side that challenges me all the while having the other qualities I look for.

    I'm not sure what is not kosher and am just speaking my mind. All in all, it is for you to judge! :)
     
  2. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    I am all for sex as part of a relationship. I have no issue with a woman's natural sex drive. It is the most natural and greatest thing.

    I have experienced enough "free sex" to know that - for me - it feels cheap and depressing afterwards. Despite the fact, that in the moment it is exciting and intense. I have always felt there is more for me.... and I want it.

    To me really it is akin to alcohol: amazing feelings followed by a nasty depressing hangover.

    I also could not trust a woman's sexual fidelity if i got her too easily. Doesn't mean she is bad, just easy.

    "I'd like to be with a woman who has a wild sex side that challenges me all the while having the other qualities I look for. "
    Completely agree!
     
  3. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    Yes i do have a lot of aggression in me which does make me think things like "fuck her brains" out, etc. Just acknowledging it.
    Even so...that expression comes from, at least partially, the desire of a man to ravish his woman completely, beyond rational everyday thought, and into rapture, in a way...... her brains gone in ecstasy.
     
  4. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    In any case, it seems i either misjudged her or she denies the sexual innuendo. I had the date and talked to her about that and quite a lot of things frankly. I told her that if quick sex is what she wants, great.......... but, otherwise, putting sexual topics out there when she just met a man, is all the encouragement many guys need! ;) ;) She seemed surprised.
    She also mentioned being hurt by a lot of men and being used and abused. We got into some pretty intense topics. It is what i do when i am doing well. And why we hit it off a year ago.

    So it was a huge 180 turn around for me emotionally: i went in charging like a bull in heat assuming she wanted to go to bed...and had to tone it way down. By the end of the date, i felt awkward about escalating it sexually, so I refrained from doing so, as she wasn't giving me that vibe at all...although she was making interest in me overall clear.
    BTW - she got dressed REAL NICE! Which is nice after some other pretty sloppily dressed dates.


    She is actually really neat in many ways. Yet she needs emotional help...therapy. She shared some intense stuff. She agreed to a second date...we'll see how it goes...but right now...I think i'll end it unless something changes my mind/heart. We'll see this weekend.

    I have high standards and i need to move on.
     
  5. Canada2012

    Canada2012 Active Member

    Meeting someone with whom we really feel well with can be such a challenge.

    I have rarely met, actually never, a woman who seeks sexuality the same way a man does. At the same time, all but the most disconnected woman must 'get' men's appetite for sex. My contention is that theirs is an equal appetite for love, in the sense of one invested relationship in which to place most of their eggs (so to speak).

    I have met many a woman who flaunts sexuality as a way of getting men's attention. It's just that it's not their end-game. Their end-game remains the relationship. If I were to take a guess, I would presume they reasoned somewhere along the lines of "I'll give him the sex he wants and he'll feel good because of me so he'll then look at who I am and want to build something like what I want." I think those women have not evolved their comprehension of the masculine gender sufficiently enough to figure out that the opposite tends to happen since men need sexual exploration in their lives and move on when all is already within reach.

    I would bet the woman you met has not pushed her own reflexions all that far in that regard. She'll give it to you and expect your return of attachment on her capital of sexuality.

    I am sure my view is greatly incomplete. I am brushing way too general a portrait. I am but one person with a vanishingly insignificant experience compared to our world's population. Maybe I'm wrong (unfortunately I sometimes feel depressingly right :()

    Regardless, I find that questing for connexion first and then building sexual expression within that space leads to a rewarding experience with no after-taste like those you mentioned. The desire to bang a woman's brains out (which I *sigh* have and will keep in a drawer somewhere inside all my life) has always been at odds with that much much more rewarding course of action.
     
  6. SailOn

    SailOn New Member

    Seems porn addicts say this more often non-addicts.
     
  7. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    Haven't watched porn in 3-1/2 years.
     
  8. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    In regards to her my standards have nothing to do with her looks.
    She is emotionally a train wreck.

    Canada, you actually nailed her reasons for acting sexual on the head! I ran the whole story by my sister who also had a strong feeling that in This Woman's case she was putting sexual innuendo out there in order to offer what she assumed pleases men. Not to say that many other women don't just want to have sex.
    I can be quite a scoundrel ......but once that was clear, I had a hard time using her. And I am becoming more clear that I am honestly afraid of a relationship with her. I didn't list all the things she said but she has said quite a few disturbing things that indicate she has many emotional problems.

    I have settled my whole life. My only struggle in life has been trying to keep my standards high. I do not need anyone trying to get me to lower my standards.
    I have lowered my standards and settled many many times.....with painful results.

    meanwhile I have made myself into someone that is offering as much or more than what I expect in a woman. And I will stick to my high standards.
     
  9. SailOn

    SailOn New Member

    My bad. I should have made clear I wasn't talking about your situation just that sentence.
     
  10. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    L4L,

    It's not unhealthy to have visions, or fantasies, of having sex with wild abandon, even if you don't particularly feel love for this woman. According to your moniker, you are looking for love (well, duh!) and want to have meaningful sex (with someone you care about). It may seem to you that lately you've been contradicting your goals. Well it's not a contradiction.

    Now you're asking: "Huh?" :eek:

    Let's break that down:

    Remember that your goal is to choose a girl you care about and save sex for this kind of special relationship. Therefore, you are moving away from meaningless relationships towards those you truly aspire to. You are in transition. And of course, there will be resistance... a part of you will want to cling to what you have known before, to not let go of those easier, free love kinds of situations. Not because you'll miss them terribly, but because you might fear risking your heart in a relationship that may or may not work out. The great love of your life would be wonderful if only it could come with a deal of certainty. But nothing is certain. So you have to take the dive and risk anyway... even if you pay the price of heartbreak. And if you fear heartbreak and avoid it at all costs, then ask yourself what could be to source of that conflict? Look within... or look at your past for answers.

    The other part of it is acceptance. If you accept that these easier sex flings are something you sometimes enjoy, then don't deny them. Do not fake it and pretend you are not attracted to them when they obviously still exercise some pull towards you! Just assume it and accept these feelings. That's what I learned from meditation. You don't deny. And once you accept them, then let them go and move forward with your prime objectives. Contemplate and imagine being in the presence of a woman who can give you as much as you can give her. That's an intention. It's quiet and non-aggressive (i.e. you are not hunting). But the more you feed that intention, the more you stand to be surprised to find such a woman in the future.

    To sum it up, having the thoughts you are having and the conflict you experience are markers that you ARE in transition. It might not happen tomorrow, and you may have a few other casual flings in between. But you are on the path because it's as clear as day that you already made it YOUR intention to move towards a love-based relationship. No need to sprint to the finish line. Trust your own timing. You'll get there. ;)
     
  11. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    No worries. I also want to make clear: your statement is true in general. I do agree.
     
  12. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    Mendoza, Excellent post. Feed the right animal, and it will become strong. So true.
    Thanks for the excellent commentary!

    "The other part of it is acceptance. If you accept that these easier sex flings are something you sometimes enjoy, then don't deny them. Do not fake it and pretend you are not attracted to them when they obviously still exercise some pull towards you! Just assume it and accept these feelings."
    I was honest even with her...saying that i have and do accept the easy sex at times, but i really want something more. It was hard for me as i thought she would shy away and become judgemental of me.

    In any case we will have a second date.
    ..unless it goes amazingly well, i am ending it. The main thing here is not that i end this one, but that i continue to ask women out. I need to work through this fear of relationship by confronting it in dates. The whole night after our first date i was sick with anxiety about should i stay or be trapped and miserable etc etc etc. It is terrible. After every date ....so far....... I have terrible anxiety about feeling i may be unhappily trapped.

    Thank you for the well thought out post and time you took!
     
  13. Canada2012

    Canada2012 Active Member

    @ Mendoza: I think that is an insightful post and I feel it could apply to me right now as well. Well done!

    @LFL: Trust your gut feeling. I suggest you walk in knowing you'll end it. If she's a decent person, you'll have a nice talk. If she's like my borderline TinderGirl. Just throw money on the table to pay for the dinner, thank her and walk away like a gentleman ;) (I always wanted to do that!).
     
  14. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    Dating is a mentally tough game. However, with experience you'll feel a lot better. Those are just meetings to get to know someone a little better, that's it. There are no heavy aspects, so try to have a good time. You'll know it when you find the one you're looking for.
     
  15. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    Canada : Yes, i am doing just that, trusting my gut feeling.
    True: so true! Dating should be casual and fun, not heavy. I need to write that on my palm.
     
  16. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    What kind of salsa are you doing? I started about a year ago and really caught the bug.
     
  17. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    I am doing salsa on1. It;s a great way to learn to lead and meet women!
     
  18. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    Guys,

    I have been incredibly horny recently. :eek: Edging to the very brink last night...somehow stopping at the cliff before falling over.

    I have not PMO-ed since May 14th...so for 18 days. That is fine. ;D
    What really worries me is this super hot client of mine.....who is married....i keep seeing her in her house ....have never seen the husband........and have immense erection-fueled fantasies of having sex with her.
    I know it is a fantasy ......but it troubles me because I think I would have sex with her if i got the chance/ she were willing. That would be horrible! :-[
    1. Either i misinterpreted the situation.....then make a move, and that is just baaaaaad .....and embarrassing and destroys my reputation ....
    2. or i end up aiding and abetting a woman who is fucking around on her husband. That is sleazy.

    I don't even know why I am writing about this! ::) ::)
    It is all in my head so far, she hasn't made a move.
    I guess my intentions worry me. My own desires.

    Also i had a similar experience years ago with a woman who said she was engaged. We messed around and very nearly had sex one night.....(She said to me that sleeping with other girls didn't count as cheating on her husband, which she would do)

    Back then i told myself it is her choice and moral responsibility...but i just do not buy that excuse any longer!

    Help!
     
  19. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Yeah it's a great social hobby.
     
  20. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    About the fantasy, there is no shame in admitting that in the open. I had a fantasy episode back in March that turned me into a furious wanker. Thankfully, it was momentary and went away. :p

    The turmoil you feel at present is about transcending the inner fantasy into an outer reality. Your moral upbringing and values are telling you not to convert this fantasy into action. Your limbic brain, however, wants to cash in on the fun. So now you have the awareness that on one hand, your cortex wants to restrain you, while on the other the limbic wants pleasure at all costs. Being aware of that is often the only solution. Just be aware. Meditate. Let days go by. Your job right now isn't to judge what's happening to you. Go through those waves of wanting, lust and restraint, and back again, like the motion of the ocean.

    At some point, things will start calming down a bit. And when they do, you'll have this clarity to choose what feels right for you. Remember: it's not about judging your choice... it's about feeling the rightness of it by considering your mind, heart and bodily sensations. I believe that's the best informant! We get caught up with this false sense of belief that fantasies are like crimes... they are not. It can be comparable to crime only if the fantasy actually hurts the other person. But I repeat, it is not up to you to decide for the other person what's right or wrong. She's an adult and responsible for her own choices and feelings.
     

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