80 days no porn!

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by lookingforlove, Dec 7, 2012.

  1. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    Hey guys,
    Awesome journeys you are making.

    I discovered the Your Brain On Porn website and I was hooked. I can't believe i had never heard of these ideas and I am already 38!!! I have spent the last 20 years constantly bettering myself, YET, I had never heard of the
    depression,
    anxiety and
    dissatisfaction that porn causes!

    I can say that these concepts have been the most significant I have encountered in a decade! Applying them, I have witnessed amazing changes. Changes that occurred naturally while quitting porn.

    So just quickly a Q now:
    I have been porn free for 80 days.
    I masturbated once two months ago and second time last nite. No porn.
    I had been on a 4th date with someone I am into in a way that is awesome, and i hugged her when leaving. (taking it REAL SLOW with her :))) That touch, the fact that we were in her home, and the proximity to a female body (real one, yeah!) may have made me REAL horny. I woke up in the middle of the nite so horny and just jerked it. Even though i meant to not fap (along with no porn) for 90 days (or more).

    Is this a relapse in a 90 day reboot?
     
  2. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    I really appreciate your response, TruettW! Thank you.

    Yes, I want to avoid porn. (I had thought it was masturbating i needed to quit)

    So, "amazing changes", you ask?

    1. I am dramatically more confident with women!
    2. I am optimistic and laugh just for no reason sometimes. Spontaneously. Like a moron. Out loud. :)
    3. I work out regularly!
    4. I run like never before.
    5. I got a car like i dreamed off.
    6. Energetic even tho staying up late at times.

    For years i read about confidence. Went to therapy. (for other reasons) Learned many ideas. Concepts.
    All these rational arguments, in my HEAD.
    You know, like "Focus on how shy she may be. "Don't be needy". "Be yourself". I know all that. I know it, in my head. Doesn't help too much.
    THIS, this no porn thing, this is in my gut.
    I am not a guy jerking his penis in a dark room fantasizing about how i want to..........
    I go to bars and my buddy angrily comments that even the bartender girl is flirting with me.
    I ask women out that i like. I get shot down, but it doesn't sting SO BAD. And I do get dates.
    I feel like a wolf among sheep. With NO SHAME.
    I will add though that simultaneously I have decided to pursue true love and take it slow getting to know a woman, and will not have sex until much later in a relationship. Perhaps this lack of need, lack of feeling helpless, desperate, lack of letting them control my satisfaction, makes me just ....relaxed and easy around women.
     
  3. peter_pan

    peter_pan New Member

    Hey LFL,

    the biggest change for my mindset was that I don't feel desperate for sex anymore. There, I totally agree with you. Resisting the urge to PMO also makes me more confident because I am indeed less needy. The same gut feeling as you have :). Let's go on with our newfound knowledge and see what happens!
     
  4. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    Thank you guys! Yes! on to new territory.
    I fantasize about getting to the point with a girl where i jokingly chastise HER for pressuring me into sex!!

    ps I find a song title constantly coming to mind when i think of our amazing, yet for others around us, hidden and invisible journey.
    Secret Journey, by The Police. I think i'll listen to it again..... haha
     
  5. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    Yes, a secret brotherhood. W/o the handshakes. :) (kinda hard to do online)

    Ease with women will come to you! Thanks for the kind words.
    I can only describe this confidence around women as primarily a feeling that you are ok, you have things to offer, and you are just as good as anyone else. Sure there is a bit of worry and hoping she will like you and you won't fuck up too bad, but it is overcome by your confidence.

    I think that ease is nature's way of telling you and women around you that you are ready for a relationship. I think sometimes we feel awkward and lack confidence. IF this is due to long-term porn use then maybe we just have to ride it out, and wait until it surges back.

    Then again...practice may be key too....practice in chatting and what not. I dunno? Whaddya think?
     
  6. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    I see two schools of thought on how to get confidence.

    1. affirmations, mindfulness, and telling yourself you are worth it, will make you confident.
    2. Living a giving, full, healthy, fun life full of things that in fact make you interesting and kind, will have the SIDE-EFFECT of making you more confident.

    Hmmm.
    Then again maybe 1. lead s to 2. and 2. to 1. So both are needed???

    e.g. I tell myself i am worth it and need to run. so i run. 1. then 2. Then that makes me feel healthier. A bit of confidence.
     
  7. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    My thoughts exactly! And it reminds of a point i want to encourage you with, too:
    there aren't many "real" men anymore.
    Have you read about how few men ask women out?
    How many teenagers aren't interested in real sex because they watch so much porn?!?!!? It is amazing!
    Once you overcome this habit you will be one of few to get up and grab the woman you want.
     
  8. steffy78

    steffy78 New Member

    Hey man,

    I've just finished reading your journal, sounds great you're already on the right path man!

    Your journal gives the general feeling that you're oozing with confidence your minor slip up is by no means a relapse. You're just chuffed and all that emotion needed to be jerked off.

    You just need to cool down and settle things and it's a matter of time before you'll start posting in the success stories!

    Keep it up man, I'll be checking out your journal!
     
  9. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    steffy, thanks for the inspiring thoughts!

    YEs i need to cool down!

    True,
    yes, hard to ask out a girl.
    Dr Robert Glover talks about paying attention to women's cues. they may actually be signalling interest and your request for a date may then not be a surprise to them so much. That doesn't always happen.
    I think I have asked girls out where i had the nagging feeling this isn't right. :mad:
    Sometimes i had no feeling about possible outcome yet went for it. This about once in my life. ::)
    Usually i was a wuss and only asked when i KNEW she was interested, unfrotunately usually i wasn't. I was just horny and wanted easy sex or relationship. :-\


    Ever have the experience in your life, where a girl lets you know subtly (smile, acting interested, returning to you) " please, proceed, talk to me, i enjoy it" ?

    Me neither! haha
    No seriously, it happens. We may be worrying about how we come across so much we don't see it???

    Usually this means they don't turn around and walk away, hahaha.
     
  10. steffy78

    steffy78 New Member

    Hey mate,

    Girls know much more about subtetly than we do, girls have that natural emotional touch we don't necessarily want to show, yet to me it seems like it's what we need when we want to ask a girl out.

    Let's not forget our mindset is terribly warped porn has shown us so many lovely and attractive chicks that we are no longer able to stare at a girl in the most human way.

    If I were you I'd open my eyes to love, have it wrapped around your finger and you'll see all those signs around you - I may seem like a dreamer but we need it don't we?

    Take care
     
  11. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    exactly.

    Hence my moniker, I am LOOKINGFORLOVE.

    I am on date 5 tomorrow with an awesome girl. And i haven't even held her hand. Loving it.
    And i am very attracted to her.

    Going Old Skool......
     
  12. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    Yeah, maybe i should hold her hand. It just seemed inappropriate today. I am used to going for the hand then moving for the kiss then......., but i am afraid of one thing leading to another....... leading to the bedroom. I have done that my whole life, and always regretted it afterwards.

    I want to have sex, but when i know i am in love.
    I am setting the bar high, and i am ready for it.

    Right now, i am a mess after our date.
    I feel so incredibly lonely.

    I am THIS close to masturbating and viewing porn!

    So, i feel desperately anxious to get physical with her NOW and close the deal so i can calm down.
    YET i am afraid of her. Is she the right one?

    I don't deal with casual sex well.
    It disgusts me. I disgust myself.

    I go for it. But i regret it.
    Nothing went wrong. I just have such incredible anxiety about it. Am i confusing her by taking it slow? Is she on the same page, and possibly even more afraid than i am, or just wise and careful and slow?
    Will she turn me down next time?
     
  13. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    I will say : when we watched a movie at her house a few days ago, i invited her to sit next to me, she said "no i'll sit here" and sat on another couch.
    I get the feeling we are aligned.
     
  14. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    Merry Christmas!
    Thanks, True.
    I agree with you:
    yes, she is cautious and testing me: am i into her or just her ass? i like it! ;D
    I do not respect women who spread their legs easily.
    and yes my mantra now, is breath, relax, and let it unfold. Look within to see what my feelings really are........... instead of my previous, hasty decisions.
     
  15. steffy78

    steffy78 New Member

    Take it easy mate, it seems like love is getting closer and closer.
     
  16. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    Thanks True and Steff,

    I have many fears about her,
    and many things i like.
    True, the chemistry is there, at least for me!
    But, steff, i will remind myself to hold onto the idea of slow and meaningful love.

    I will not force it however, i have tried that. No matter how much i connected emotionally and intellectually in the past, if there isn't crazy chemistry it has never ever worked out well for me.
     
  17. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    So Dec 25th marked 100 days of no porn!
    (2 mo's only in that time)
    I celebrated by testing my erection response. So i M-ed to touch alone. It worked. (i never did try this so i don't know if it would have worked earlier) It took some time to get hard. I was 80% within minutes but i was patient , took more time, and got real hard. I had to refocus my attention on self and gently redirect my attention to self from the fantasies again and again.
    So....... yeah.... maybe 10% fantasy did slip in.
    2 O's last nite, one this morning.

    I made a mental note of the intense drive and urge to O - yet the actual feeling of the O was disappointing. Just like YBOP.com describes.

    Is this because this is just M, and with another it will be meaningful??? Hmmmm.....

    But previously i had not found touch alone to be interesting at all. After all, Porn and fantasy had become my Modus Operandi (MO hahaaha) for sure in the past.
    I cannot say i had bona fide ED before this 100 days, but i was losing interest in sex with my g.f. and had trouble staying hard and i needed to go off to fantasy land in order to "get thru it", so maybe i did. I just assumed i was not attracted to her body type......

    I don't want to feel disappointed by real women, i will stay off porn, erotica and fantasy.

    Also after jacking off three times, i had the most tiring and sad day in a while. I just felt like everything was difficult. Uggghhh.
    I'd rather ride the edge and be peppy.
     
  18. daneeka

    daneeka New Member

    Congratulations on 100 days. I tend to agree with True, MO and even testing erections is counterproductive. We already know that we're on the right path. I'm looking forward to seeing how things develop for you, and with this girl.
     
  19. lookingforlove

    lookingforlove looking to have meaningful and satisfying sex

    Thanks guys, I am resuming no MO again. That was the plan. I liked the confidence i had.
    (i did not view any porn or images even now at day 100)
    And this girl, she needs to feel my strength and confidence, she tests me all the time.


    I looked up and found a place to go dancing tonite. I am going.
    I'd rather meet real people.

    Ya guys getting out of the house?
    :)
     
  20. steffy78

    steffy78 New Member

    Congratulations mate.

    It looks like you've got the bit between your teeth. Go for it you can make it.
    All you need to do is kick MO and then you'll be done with it for good.

    Take care!
     

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