[7d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by FenixW, Jun 19, 2013.

  1. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [0d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    2d no PMO, 2d no O
    Anxiety high, libido non existent.
     
  2. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [0d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    3d no PMO, 3d no O
    Morning notes: Haven't felt this bad in a long time, must be withdrawals because I see now real reason behind why I should feel this way. Anxiety is high, nausea, muscle tension and jittery. Hard getting up from bed as I know the world is waiting out there. Its like standing on a 10m high cliff about to jump into the water. 1, 2, 3 ... 1, 2, 3 .. trying to make myself jump out.
     
  3. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [0d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    5d no PMO, 1d no O
    Met with girl13 yesterday. Didn't want to as my libido is completely dead but I had promised her. Took 100mg viagra and had two Os with her. Pretty strong Os but besides from that I didn't feel connected, low arousal response. I am looking foward avoiding O for at least 7 days.

    Anxiety is still high, also depression is there. Its easy for me to become angry over little things. I am extremely motivated this time, I must become free from the addiction. A couple of weeks ago I could see the light, I want back there.
     
  4. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [0d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    0d no PMO, 0d no O
    Relapse... Been fighting urges the whole day but suddenly found myself looking at borderline material on youtube that later escalated to P... This addiction is so hard to control.

    I experienced something on the last date. I have for a very long time, going back to me being 20y had a fetish about slutty women. My P addiction in its last phase led me into P about cuckoldry and cheating women. Thing is I found this extremely arousing. For some reason it made my stomach tingle and was part of my daily P consumption and fantasies. Going back just two weeks I still thought that even though I find a woman I will still want to move into her getting extra lovers. Occasionally maybe I would also fuck other women but focus would be on her having full freedom to do whatever she wants. As my journal is all about confession I also have to confess that my fantasies escalated into her coming home from a session with a lover and me eating her lovers cum from her pussy. If I made you puke up the saturday dinner with that comment you have my apologies, but I had to get it out there.

    As this have been part of me for over ten years I have many times wondered of why and where this comes from. When starting the no-P journey TruettW from this board told me that I should not be surprised if my opinions about all this would change when P is removed from my life. I noted his comment back then but never believed I would change about it as it felt as being a part of who I am. Myself I believed that there were a number of reasons behind this fetish. One of them had biological explanation, stating that if another man cums inside ones woman it will trigger the man to quickly try to have sex with her to make sure his sperm hits the egg, and this would trigger the arousal.

    Going back to the date I had last sunday, I played a little game with the woman I was dating where we both would have to pick one person to have sex with one time of all people present in the bar, and also state why we chose that person. When it was her turn she told me she chose a black man that was sitting a few tables away, with the reason that she was hoping he would be equipped with a bigger dick. The moment she said this I experienced something.

    When reading about other people enjoying the cuckold and hotwife lifestyle, comments like that always triggers arousal inside the man. But for me nothing happened. After the comment I went silent and went inside my own head and body to see what the reaction would be, but there was zero arousal. Instead my reaction was that hell no I would like my woman to do such a thing. As this was our first date and obviously we was just joking around and her opinion was based on her being a single woman our for having sex just for one night I was mostly neutral, but was surprised I didn't get horny about it.

    It was like during that moment I could see the whole illusion from the inside and understand why and where it comes from. During my whole life I have been letting myself been pushed around and dominated by my environment, both friends, parents and partners. I will go through it step by step.

    First my dad has some serious anxiety issues always worrying about the worst things that can happen. On top of that he has mild social anxiety and thinks the world is against him completely. All this I have been able to see as I have been away from them for longer periods of time resulting in myself changing and when I come back I can see and understand whats going on. A lot of this stuff he has passed on to me so I also suffer from this.

    When looking at my parents relationship its clear that my mother is the dominating part. Even though my father sacrificed so much for the family fighting so hard to bring in the money and support the family while my mother enjoyed life and having parties with friends, she still push him around. Now he suffers from depression and have little motivation of doing nothing. Often I find him acting like a small boy still and its clear his masculinity is suppressed.

    When it comes to friends I have always been the follower, doing whatever my friends are doing. I have been lacking a clear goal of what I myself want to do and instead be floating like a dead fish with the present stream. Being younger I ended up in bad company, where we were all a bounce of backstabbers. When I was fifteen a friend of mine was hitting on my gf and when I confronted him about it he started a fight with me and beat me up bad, after that I was cut away from my friends and had to go on by myself for almost a year. Slowly I found myself back into the same group of friends (have to befriend the same guy beating me up). Luckily I now have great friends, but I am still a follower not knowing what I myself want to do. The root to this I think is fear based. My fathers thinking is inside my head and I also see all bad stuff that can happen, feel like I am just a visitor in the world about to be thrown out if I do not behave correctly.

    As my mother is the dominating part of the family and I have been raised by her and her sister (who is even more dominating) I have been thought that being a little good boy is what its all about. Be the nice guy, especially around women. Threat them with respect, make sure the home always is clean, shirt is ironed, everything is perfect etc. I remember being a few years younger I was on multiple travels with my mother and sister, just to be the guy carrying the backpack, the follower. I have zero bad feeling about my mother, aunt and sister. The are all strong women and the do there thing, problems is I was a weak child and just followed their lead. And my father was not there to show me the way. I have no hard feelings against my father either as he did his best and is a good man inside the pussy whipped shell his living inside.

    All my relations have been based on me being the pleaser, doing everything I can to make the woman happy. But as I have been weak and a follower I have also been lazy, letting her make the decisions and leading me. When looking back some of my behavior is making me sick..

    This weak behavior has also led me to working double shift at work due to the time plan being fucked up, without getting any extra money for it. It even led me into the doctors office being burned-out. This resulted in a two year period of depression.

    I can not find the right words but I think that all this ties together with my previous fetish, all being warped by my P addiction. I am writing previous because since the experience last weak I have felt disgusted by myself. Its like suddenly the fog in front of my eyes is disappearing making myself see everything clearly again. Hell no I want to be some fucking cuckold push around there to take care of the leftovers and doing everything I can to please the woman. I also do not believe it will make the woman happy being together with at weak man, the whole thing makes me sick.....

    Its like something snapped inside my head. Just thinking about watching that kind of P is creating bad feelings inside me. When I relapsed today I had the urges to watch a beautiful female body, not as before watching some dirty bitch receiving. I hope the change is here to stay and not a result of low libido or something. It also shows the importance to come clean of P, its fucking up the brain.
     
  5. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [0d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    1d no PMO, 1d no O
    Terrible day but one step closer. Depression, fatigue and ZERO libido. About that woman I liked and that was supposed to make me retire from the dating scene but then ditched me, its ok. Obviously I was not ready, I need to get the addiction under control first.
     
  6. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [0d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    2d no PMO, 2d no O
    Fatigue, anxiety. Get erections during night but completely dead during the day.
     
  7. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [0d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    3d no PMO, 3d no O
    Worst day so far, zero libido but still fighting urges. Had the idea about being productive but hard to focus today, still good as long as I stay away from P. Did meditation and noticed my breathing is high up in my chest, so much anxiety and tension all the time. Hopefully meditation can solve it if I can keep discipline and do it for a couple of weeks.
     
  8. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [0d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    4d no PMO, 4d no O
    Had some glimpses of libido at work, was surprised. Otherwise really bad social anxiety and anxiety in general. Was out meeting some friends and the anxiety was there all the time. Depression is pretty bad as well. But one more day clean from P and its what really counts at the moment.
     
  9. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [0d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    5d no PMO, 5d no O
    Same as yesterday, but another day accomplished.
     
  10. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [0d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    6d no PMO, 6d no O
    Was out today meeting some friends but felt totally depressed.
     
  11. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [0d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    7d no PMO, 7d no O
    Attended one of my best friends wedding, felt socially weird. Didn't hold any speech and feel bad about it, but was feeling too depressed to do it. Started feeling better after drinking alcohol. Started hitting on one of the women there and ended up making out with her and she pulling down the top to show her breasts on the bus home. She was the one telling me we should see each other again but when I texted a few days later she didn't reply, so guess she got cold feet. Its OK as I am still in flatline and as she was a couple of years older she was not gf material. Being friend of friend also makes it more tricky.

    8d no PMO, 8d no O
    Went on a blind date a female friend set up to me. Expected the woman to be older and she must have been 40yo. Was hangover since the day before and lost myself when started drinking again so it ended with us making out and me going for the pull. She said it went too fast and said another day. It was good, because she was obviously not gf material either so there will be no more date.

    Girl10 ended our relationship. She didn't like the casual thing and as we are working together it made her feel uncomfortable. Its OK, I am in heavy flatline so I have no desire for casual sex.

    9d no PMO, 9d no O
    Low libido, depression.. whats new.

    10d no PMO, 10 d no O
    Was out hitting on girls and met a tourist going home tomorrow. Tried my best as it was a perfect opportunity for her to want to experience an adventure but she refused the kiss. Anyway I don't care as libido is rock bottom low.

    11d no PMO, 11d no O
    A low point day. Lots of depression, anger and frustration, absolutely zero libido. Probably a lot of the bad feelings comes from the alcohol, or withdrawals.

    I am putting 100% of my effort into getting rid of the addiction now so I should be proud of every day I am able to stay clean. This shall be my last ever lasting streak.
     
  12. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [11d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    12d no PMO, 12d no O
    Felt quite ok today, specially after the gym. Some libido came back, but just very little. I am closing in on two weeks so hopefully things will become better from now.
     
  13. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [0d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    0d no PMO, 0d no O
    Have had good libido lately but have not been avle to contol it so keep relapsing over and over. Will try again for the hundred time to quit porn, I am truly an addict.
     
  14. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [0d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    3d no PMO, 3d no O
    Things have escalated downwards lately. It started with going 30d without O, which resulted in complete flatline. I lost the woman I was sleeping with. After going 30d without O I forced an O by masturbating with a half limp dick, it triggered something so my libido came back. It was not perfect but stronger than it has ever been, at one period I was masturbating once a day (without porn).

    Then at some point I relapsed again, and it sent me back into flatline and anxiety, really weird. After that I have been relapsing over and over again. I really want to find a gf and start a family, but all the women I meet ob dates I do not feel for. Partly its due to the relapses but also I seem to not being able to get a woman with the qualities I want.

    I have been stressed out at work getting nothing done, while at the same time experiencing some weakness in my immune system so I keep getting a cold back. Therefore having trouble going to the gym, resulting in feeling worse. My previous felt.frustration about not being able to find a woman have now developed into the beginning of a depression. I am fighting against the time here, I need to find a woman soon or I will crash pretty bad.

    Therefore I have taken action. I have taken two weeks off work and I will put myself into rehabilitation. A plane ticket is already booked, nothing fancy about the place its really mundane, but good living prices. One friend is joining me so I do not have to be alone. The trip will consist of avoiding porn, doing gym, eating healthy and hitting on women. I need to get my mojo back. Its like a two week training camp, with focus on pushing my own boundaries. When I come back I shall have a two weeks clean from porn advantage and hopefully some more skills in picking up women. I hope the new skills can be used when going out to find my future gf when I come back.

    At the moment I am in flatline, completely dead penis.
     
  15. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [0d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    4d no PMO, 4d no O
    Had to work a lot of overtime to finalize in time for my vacation so have been cutting back on sleep, feeling completely exhausted. Will be so nice to not have to meet all the people at work for two complete weeks, what a bless!

    Good thing is that I am already on day 4 clean. Woke up with MW today.
     
  16. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [0d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    7d no PMO, 7d no O
    I have managed to get through the first seven days, thats very good. Unfortunately I messed uptwo days ago and ended up drinking alcohol, so its messed me up somewhat. From now on I will go clean from alcohol except if ending up on a date.

    The abstinence is good for me it makes my energy come back. As I am used to walking around in a zombie state from all the relapses so I will have to learn to channel all this new energy. Right now I feel more like a stressed caged animal, I am feeling urges and cravings for getting a release. Its a healthy sign, I just need to push through it. Will go to the gym today and hopefully it will take the edge off things. Libido is starting to come back, getting NW and fantasies during the night.
     
  17. Rissen

    Rissen Member

    Re: [7d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    I have the same problem with alcohol. Many times drinking just a few beer has started me on the path towards relapse. It's a good choice to stay away from it. And congrats to 7 days! Well done.
     
  18. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [7d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    I fully agree. Or before taking alcohol making sure the environment is arranged so that abuse of P is impossible. Alcohol is making the reptile parts of the brain stronger and thats the last we want on the road to recovery.
     
  19. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [7d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    8d no PMO, 8d no O
    I am feeling better today than yesterday, but I am still feeling major anxiety. Its like a knot in my stomach and a background feeling of doom. Thing is I have had this feeling for years, it was only for a couple of weeks ago when I took phenibut that I realized how life can be without this anxiety, so I think I suffer from an anxiety disorder or induced anxiety from P abuse and/or high sensitivity to alcohol.

    I have found out that the anxiety is getting worse by P, alcohol, caffeine, sugar. So the more I stay away from that the better it gets.

    I was out hitting on girls yesterday but it went horrible, I am not feeling well and I think that is the reason. If I stay on the healthy path hopefully I will continue the trend of feeling better for each day. I got an internet date lined up for tonight but as her pictures was making it hard to judge her looks it can be anything.
     
  20. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: [7d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

    9d no PMO, 9d no O
    Horrible date today. Sweet girl but not attractive. I am aiming for the more prettier ones.

    Starting to feel a little better. Tomorrow I will go up directly from bed when I wake up and get starting with my day, continue on building momentum.
     

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