[7d] Unleashing the power of my ancestors.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by FenixW, Jun 19, 2013.

  1. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    30 days no-PMO
    60 days no-PMO
    90 days no-PMO
    30 days no-MO
    60 days no-MO

    90 days no-MO
    30 days no-Alcohol
    60 days no-Alcohol
    90 days no-Alcohol


    The black hole.
    Beginning of 2008 I started my new job more enthusiastic than ever, now was the time for me to show my profession. I lived with my girlfriend and we were building our life together. I quickly went into overtime drive and started to spend a lot of time in the office.

    2009 the economical recession raged the business I was working in and resulted into resources cut downs. Our project experiencing delays made me start to work even more overtime. The stress started to find its way into my body and pain arose in different parts of my body. The combination of high confidence together with low self esteem is never a good combination.

    2011 Mars I had a total meltdown. After a long period of experiencing an extremely overactive mind everything came to a stand still. I woke up one morning and was not able to move out of bed due to exhaustion. A lot of pain in numerous parts of my body, but the most strange thing was my mind being completely empty, it was like it had shut down completely.

    After waking up that special morning in Mars 2011 I spent a couple of hours in bed before my body woke up enough for me to start to move. I was reflecting over my life and when being in such a condition it is impossible to avoid starting to think about ending it. After all why continue when pain is all there is?

    But in the middle of the misery I started to think thoughts like, what if I started to do things the way I would like to? What if I started to live my life the way that I would like to? What if I for once start to make my own conclusions and start to trust my self and my decisions? So far everything have been going with the speed of light with direction hell, so I could not possible make it worse?

    Mud crawling
    The period from Mars 2011 to beginning of 2013 I was inside a depression, the goal for me was pure survival. I do not remember so much from that period as my memory was really bad and I had big troubles with focus. But looking back I managed to go through a lot of changes. I broke up with my girlfriend since 6 years due to our relationship going down the drain, reason was my depression and that I no longer felt attraction for her. I also managed to change my job which was the best thing I have ever done.

    The rising
    New year 2013 and until now have been quite OK. I have developed a lot of tools that I am using to keep my self on the right track. But as all of you people that is going through personal development have experienced it is two steps forward and one step back, and sometimes two or three steps back. There is no straight line when it comes to changing the way of living that is for sure. Mostly I feel OK, but sometimes I feel like shit all over again.

    I have for as long as I can remember fapped to porn but it was not until my black hole period that I started to question it. I always fapped to porn when I came home late from work, even though I knew that my girlfriend wanted me to wake her up to have sex with her. Slowly I started to loose my attraction for her, mostly due to the reason that it was a lot of work to have real sex. I had to warm her up, keep my erection etc. It was more simple to just fap to internet porn.

    During the mud crawling and the rising period I have done a lot of experimentation around how to build up my energy levels again and I have found a lot of good methods where no fap is a major, major one. But I have to commit that I am addicted to porn and have only been able to avoid fapping for one week at a time, so I always keep falling back into a self destructive behaviour. When I now look backwards it is clear that my porn fapping actually have changed the way I am acting at work, with friends and girls. I actually believe fapping have changed my flavor of music and killed my interests in hobbies and exploration. I never takes any risks anymore, I am just too scared and anxious. Fapping to porn is dangerous god damn it! It has to end now!

    I have also started to date new women but I am having troubles with feeling attraction. It is like I do not know what to do with them, and they are feeling it! My dates always ends with them feeling confused. First I show interest in them but when we are there on our date together I am not radiating any sexually interest in her. I am just neutral. I am not horny anymore, the horniness is totally gone. My eyes feel muddy and there is no spark inside me. I am having big troubles with anxiety, troubles with keeping eye contact, talking directly to people. It has gone so far that I am avoiding friends and gatherings as I am too scared to go there, I am embarrassed and sad as I know that I am missing the good stuff in life. I have for a long time used viagra when I am sleeping with a new girl for the first time due to problems with nervousness and I hope that quitting PMO will help me there as well.

    Unleashing the power of my ancestors
    I have selected the above name to this period as I believe that staying clean from masturbating to internet porn will bring me in contact with the power inherited from the ancestors that once walked this earth. The early humans that lived their lives in deep contact with there sexuality without any distortion from society and high speed internet. I want to become a real man again!

    All playing around with methods for energy and state building have learned me a lot of how my body is working and what is needed to shift the chemistry to the better, but the problem is not to know what to do, the problem is to do it. Therefore I am starting this journal as I am hoping that it will give me the strength needed to pursue the challenge of my life time, to become a fantastic man!

    Presentation of plan.

    No porn and limited amount of fapping:
    The time for me watching porn is over. I will start with 30 days without PMO and MO and then make a decision about introducing MO once every second week. But no more porno!

    Meditation is key to cool down an overactive mind. I need to keep doing this to be able to find the center of stability again.

    No alcohol:
    I am having big problems with anxiety after drinking alcohol. If I am out with friends partying a whole nigh I am always sent into a full depression for the next five days. And for you guys thinking “drink a lot of water before bed” no, that will not help. I have googled around on this and I found out that there are a lot of people that even have more problems with alcohol than me. They are getting sick from one beer only.
    So for 30 days I will introduce a 100% non alcohol lifestyle (will drink for the last time on friday this week). After that I will make a decision to go 100% for the rest of my life or not.

    The most important thing for keeping the depression out of range and for releasing tension trapped inside the body. To be done at least three times a week.

    Healthy food:
    Keeping changing the bad food to good food and to keep the routines about when to eat. Keeping the blood sugar stable is key for not loosing the control of the body chemistry.

    At least seven hours of sleep every night for recharging.

    Work time:
    Max spend eight working hours at office every day, independently of progress, deadlines etc.

    Goal setting:
    Every night before sleep and every morning when waking up repeating the goals set. This to keep control over the direction of the development.

    As mentioned before I have done some improvement works with myself before but this is for sure the biggest plan ever. It is really difficult to change habits and it requires discipline and commitment. The mind and ego will try to stop me from changing and will for sure create a lot of hoops and traps to fool me into old habits and patterns. Meditation will help me spot the traps and discipline and commitment will help me endure the time an “evil' though are active in the space of the mind.
    I really hope that I will be able to keep my course even through the storms and the winds that now will come. To keep staying on track until the habits are ingrained into my personality!

    Wish me good luck fellow Fapstronauts!
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2017
  2. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    I am writing a diary next to this one and below are some notes from that.

    Day 1: No sexual desire. A lot of anxiety, feel like shit. Do not want to go to work. No motivation.
    Day 2: Still got a hangover. Same symptoms above.
    Day 3: More or less same as above.
    Day 4: Start to feel better but no sexual desire.
    Day 5: Start to feel better but no sexual desire.
    Day 6: Feel rather good now, but now sexual desire.
    Day 7: Tired but feel OK. No sexual desire.
    Day 8: Feel OK.
    Day 9: Lot of WDs, but failed and drank alcohol today.
    Day 10: Feels really bad from the alcohol yesterday, drinks more alcohol when I come home (as I am free from work tomorrow).
    Day 11: Feel like shit. No sexual desire.
    Day 12: Feel weak. No sexual desire. No creativity, no nothing.
    Day 13: Do not feel well. Gets stuck in bed in the morning. Out with buddies in the evening and can not resist drinking alcohol.
    Day 14: WD. Had a lunch date with a hot girl but blew the date. Do not feel well from the alcohol yesterday.
    Day 15: WD. Feel emotionally closed. Feel sad due to the date yesterday.
    Day 16: Stressed out as I am going abroad on a working trip today. Manages to stay away from alcohol on the plane yey!
    Day 17: Manages to sleep on the plane but are now on the other side of the planet. So long trip and another timezone so I feel very tired.
    Day 18: Start to feel better.
    Day 19: Could not say no to alcohol in the evening. When I came to the hotel I was so close to start checking P, so close.
    Day 20: Feel like shit again due to the alcohol, I really need to become a non consumer.
    Day 21: Worked out today, made me feel better. But went horny and started to read on a Hotwife forum, could not control myself and relapsed.

    Day 1: Last day before I go home again. Drank alcohol yesterday so does not feel well.
    Day 2: Went home, totally exhausted. Drank alcohol on the plane. Feeling really depressed.
    Day 3: Feel like shit all over.. worst day for a long time.. totally depressed.
    Day 4: Anxious, scared, exhausted and weak. Drank coffee (usually not do) to keep myself in motion. Comes home and start to drink alcohol. Enters a chat page and a transvestite is starting to talk to me. I am very embarrassed over writing this but I need to be totally transparent (no I am not gay). She manages to get me horny and asks me to come over. I pump my body full of viagra and go to her, we have sex and then I go home, feel like shit now.
    Day 5: This day has been totally messed up.. slept from AM 07:00 to 12:00 and from PM 14 to 19. I feel like shit when using viagra and it gets me depressed and exhausted. It will take me a long time to recover from this state.
    Day 6: Got stuck in bed for multiple hours just staring in the roof. Finally got up and went to workout which always makes me feel better, and it did.
    Day 7: Feeling depressed in the morning. By experience I know it takes around 5 days to start to feel better after drinking alcohol, now it have gone three days.
    Day 8: Very horny tonight, woke up a number of times. Started to touch but did not end in O. Troubles at work, stayed there for 14 hours, does not help me recover from exhaustion.
    Day 9: Tired like hell but need to spend another 14 hours at work.
    Day 10: Only slept 3.5 hours tonight but are still standing and spends another 14 hours at work. I can not understand how I manage, probably due to the no-PMO stuff.
    Day 11: Complete chaos tonight, strange dreams and everything. Need to rest badly but no time, spends 12 hours at work.
    Day 12: Go home and sleep early.
    Day 13: I am now feeling OK again after massive sleeping. I can clearly feel a pull against PMO and alcohol now as I am feeling in good shape. For some reason I start to brows a sex community site and start to try to pull a new transvestite. I am very close to make up the plans to see one when I am getting myself back into control again and logout, close call! 4 hours spent browsing and chatting.
    Day 14: Does workout and feel great. Having a strong urge to watch P, strongest I have every felt so far. But manages to stay away. Starting to feel a overall hornyness and it feels good.
    Day 15: Starting to feel really horny. Meets up with my favourite buddy to drink some beer, tells my self this is the last time for a very long time I will be drinking. We are having a really good day. Need to control my self when coming home not to login to the sex community site.
    Day 16: Do not feel well from the alcohol yesterday. Depressed and exhausted. Looses the control at work due to not being able to concentrate, feels lost in space. Need to go to bed early but do not want to be alone with my thoughts.
    Day 17: Slept 9 hours, nice! But feel horny as hell, there is like pain in my whole body. Can not focus on anything. Have not meditated for a long time, in big need of it.
    Day 18: Had a beautiful WD tonight, it was awesome! Woke up at 5 AM with a massive boner, could almost not control my self but managed to not O. Feel pain in my body, need to workout soon or I will blow up! Can not control my self at work! Anger is also coming up now and I am not so nice to be around right now. Sooo got damn horny now. Login to the sex community site and are browsing around, it is like electricity in my balls now, doing edging. Stays up to 02:00 AM before I manage to get my self to log out and go to sleep.
    Day 19: Are waking up multiple times during the night due to being horny. Starts to check hotwife forum in the morning.. can not control my self, downloading P to my phone. The first movie does not work and I am thinking that this is a sign sent by the universe, giving me a barrier of not looking, giving me a hand. But I can not stop my self from downloading another one... relapse..
    Want to drink alcohol as hell right now.. seems to be connected for some reason.
    Comes home from work and like on autopilot logs into the sex community site and starts to chat with a girl, before I know it I start to touch my self. Ends with binge.. 4 times PMO.

    Day 1: Exhausted and tired. Anxious and weak, scared... Are up to 05 AM before going to bed.
    Day 2: Going to the gym and feel OK after. A lot of anger is surfacing right now, was very long time since I felt as angry as I am right now, do not know the reason though. Thoughts about the WD dream I had is surfacing today.
    Day 3: Waking up multiple times during the night and are feeling horny, strange. I am now eating zinc supplements to help regain my sperm levels :) Feel quite calm in my body which is strange as I am behind at work and have not done any meditation, not normal.
    Day 4: No sexual desire at all today. Doing workout and feel strong, not normal.
    Day 5: My god what a strange night. Woke up with a boner and went into some strange half a sleep half awake state. Could not control my self doing some edging, was not enough awake to understand what was happening but no O. The anger is back again, so are the electricity in my balls. Hard to focus and gets late to work. Logs into the sex community site in the evening but quickly log out again directly.
    Day 6: Same thing tonight, hard to sleep due to being horny, keeps waking up all the time. Doing some edging. Boner in the morning, feeling restless and a lot of energy. The words frustration, expectations and anger can explain my present state. Feel strong right now! But are having problems focusing on work. Doing thai boxing today and it goes OK.
    Day 7: Hard to sleep during the night due to the same reasons as above. Wakes up with boner. Starting to check out girls again. It is summer here now and they are showing a lot of skin, very nice to watch. Very stressed at work, do not feel like working. Feel like smashing something instead, lot of anger still surfacing. Login to the sex community site in the evening and start to talk to a girl, she flakes. A transvestite is contacting me and I am torn between logging out and continue on the road to success or popping a viagra and go see her. I am so, so, lucky because she also flakes me.. and it saves the day. I go to bed.
    Day 8: Could not control my self today.. started to browse the hotwife forum directly in the morning and it ended with a relapse.. followed by a binge of 7 PMO.. now I feel exhausted again.. Total time spent 9 hours.. so waste of time.

    Not drinking alcohol is definitely helping me a LOT! I am feeling much, much better being totally sober all the time. No PMO is also helping a lot, but I need some way to control all the energy that is rising inside me, otherwise I will only continue to relapse... not sure what to do though. I am having my vacation period now so probably I can use the energy to pursue girls in bars and stuff like that, I need to learn to channel it. Otherwise I will end up spending it on transvestites or on PMO, none of being what I wish for my self. The energy is so strong so there must be some activity where I can keep my body in motion all the time, reading a book will not help as it feels like I would blow up eventually. I will need to post more often here to help me keep the focus on my goal. For sure I need to end logging into the sex community site as it is a big trigger for PMO and other self destructive behaviour.
  3. BreakfreeUK

    BreakfreeUK New Member

    Re: Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    I like your blog.

    I admire your honesty, in the way you are examining your life and secondly sharing it here.

    It takes balls to look at ones life honestly but i believe you are on the right track. As you say often it will be one step forward and two back but i believe you can do it.

    As for the alcohol i have an on off relationship to it, i guess again you just gotta be honest with your self and examine your patterns around it. I found a site called hello sunday morning to be quite helpful. It's a sit where people make a voluntary commitment to abstaining from alcohol to take some time out and explore their relationship with the booze.

    All the best with your challenge and i'll be keeping my eye on your progress!
  4. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    Thank you for your comments! I checked out the site you recommended and registered, very nice to see a lot of other people also being on the same path. For me the turning point was when I started to search on internet to try to find out the reason behind why I feel so bad after drinking only small amounts of alcohol. During that search I stumbled upon a forum where a lot of people were discussing the same thing. I had previously thought that everybody were having the same feelings after drinking, but that I was weak or something. But now I saw that I was not alone with this! This made me make up my mind to avoid alcohol as much as possible.

    I have always had troubles with crazy hangovers, I can remember myself being 20 years old crying in the car while heeding for work on a Monday morning.. terrible state due to one thing only.. alcohol.. I am so glad that I finally have made this decision.

    Stay strong!
  5. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    Day 1: Easy breezy.
    Day 2: I am stopping by my parents house today and tomorrow we will leave to the summer house and meet my sister and her finance together with there daughter. Did meditation in the morning and I noticed that my stress levels are high again. Every little sound resulted in tense in my stomach area.
    Confessed to my mother about my problems with getting big hangovers due to alcohol and that I need to stay sober now for a long time. She understood without any comments, probably she had nothing against it. There are a lot of alcoholism in our family three and my mother is also drinking a lot of alcohol (actually every day but without getting drunk).
    I also feel a little sad today due to the feeling of something dying inside of me. I have always loved to party and now when I have made the decision to be totally sober I feel sadness.
    Day 3: Did meditation but fell asleep. Spent the whole day at the beach together with my mother, sister and her finance and their daughter. Really nice day!
    Day 4: Experienced an awful nightmare and when I woke up I was feeling fear of death. It made me happy as it means that I now are enjoying life so much that I wish to live. During the depression that was not the case.
    Day 5: Are starting to feel urges again. But are sleeping in the same room as my mother and I do not want to sneak into the toilet to M so no risk for PMO. In the evening I get a text from a girl that I met like two-three months ago quickly from who I took the phone number. Later when I contacted her she flaked me but now she texted me and wanted to meet the same evening. I could not as I am not in town. Very unexpected.
    I am so proud that I have managed to stay away from alcohol during the stay at the summer house, even though everybody else are drinking every day. The weather have been perfect and we have been doing barbecues every day so it has been really tough!!
    Day 6: Today will be my biggest challenge for a long time. We are going back to my parents house and relatives are coming to visit us. That means party and a lot of alcohol and everybody will be drinking. Had problems with focus when driving the car due to sexual urges, can feel the pull towards P now.
    I managed to stay away from alcohol! I am so happy! Even though they had this special liqueur with them that they of course wanted everybody to try. But I manged to say no and stick to it, nice! Are starting to feel a lot of urges!
    Day 7: Still at my parents house but as I have my own room there I started to browse the hotwife forum. I have a lot of fantasies about slutty girls and have had it for as long as I can remember. But I am kind of confused right now as it can be a result of all the P, it might have influenced me. Spent two hours on the forum reading stories and did some edging.
    This is sick but something freaking weird happened to me today. The parents cat jumped up in my lap and I started to pat it, and it started to purr. When it started to purr in my lap I started to feel aroused. I did not get any W but it was clear that my body started to be aroused. It freaked me out and I started to think that maybe this no-MO thing is getting out of hand!!
    Day 8: Back at my own place (parents live in another town). Met some friends down town and talked to a girl. It was nice I felt a little attraction but did not know how to advance the conversation. Had urges when I came home and browsed the hotwife forum, did some edging but managed to not PMO.
    Day 9: I had some terrible urges tonight!! Probably due to the edging done yesterday. Fantasized almost all night, managed to sleep only four hours! Tried to meditate in the morning and my body was feeling like it would start burning any time, so much heat inside. Very restless also, did not manage to finalize the meditation. Continued to browse the forum in the morning and did some edging for three hours until I manged to make my self quit. Now I have the most terrible blue balls and are feeling sick, almost like I will vomit. It feels like I will O in my pants any second, kind of constant pressure.
    Went to the gym and had the strange pressure from down below due to arousal and BB when I started running on the treadmill, it was so so strange. But it went away after about 10min.
    Met some friends today and one girl that was in the group hugged me with both arms so our bodies came close to each other. I felt her body pressed against mine and could also smell her, it triggered a somewhat semi within milli seconds which was totally new for me, must be ages since my body reacted so easily.
    Day 10: Went to bed early yesterday as I was dead tired but woke up in the morning with a lot of pain from down below, it scared me. The pain was a lot more than BB and I felt a little sick also! Like someone had punched me in the nuts. I did end up reading on the hotwife forum and I started edging and everything escalated! I woke up AM 7:30 and started with browsing the hotwife forum and continued with reading erotica. After that I tried to download P but there was some error on my phone so it did not work. I did edging for five hours! Suddenly my logical mind was too buried in arousal and I crossed the line and O. It was actually a great O and I directly started to think about damage control, I can not binge again...
    I eat breakfast (at 12:30!!) and then went to my computer to do surfing about my hobbie. Suddenly I went onto a torrent site and started download P, but after 30% I manged to close the download. But then my mind fooled me. I remember so clearly the thought “you can only look quickly, no need to M, just watch a little it will be fun” entering my mind and I obeyed like a good little boy starting the download again. Then it all went downhill from that... my god this was a bad relapse... I continued to browse P until 21:00 in the evening! And did 8 PMO totally. The complete day wasted. I was supposed to meet my buddie at 16:00 but had to cancel. Terrible damage control.. I have now managed to eat supper but are stressed over the situation that I have lost a whole day.. I am also feeling urges to drink alcohol.. probably due to dopamine depletion from all PMO.

    Staying clear from alcohol have worked well so far and I feel so much better by doing that! I now need to keep reminding myself about this 30 day no alcohol goal!
    Staying clear from MO have been harder than I imagined and the energy that is rising is so fcking strong that I am not sure that I will manage to burst through it. I am hoping that the edging and browsing on the forum was the reason behind the pain that I felt from the below parts because that was scary shit. I will now cut away all triggers in my life and make another try. No logging into the daiting site, no more erotica or browsing the hotwife forum and no more edging. Time to stay 100% clean.
  6. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    Day 1: Feeling weak.. no energy or creativity.
    Day 2: Struggled with the meditation. Extremely restless and was close to giving up. But when the meditation was over and I started to move I got tired.. so strange.. Can not rest due to feeling restless but do not want to do anything due to feeling tired..
    Day 3: Need to go to work for a short while. Took long time for me to get out of the apartment, feeling tired and down.
    Day 4: Attended a meeting at work with the steering committee for 9 hours strait, with only 20 min lunch.. tired like hell right now. Went to bed early.
    Day 5: Met some friends today and there was a girl that is a friend of a friend there that were visiting (comes from another country). We started talking and I found her nice as she was so calm and relaxed. I fought my anxiety and asked her to come join me in the evening for some drinks. She said OK and we met later in the evening. I bounced her around some places and we had a good time. I was feeling relaxed in her presence and kissed her quite early into our date. We hung out and it was such a nice feeling because I felt attracted to her! So in the evening I told her I wanted to show my place and she came with me. We started kissing more and it ended with us having sex. It was nice but I had big troubles with feeling horny (due to being emotionally depleted) so I had to take a whole viagra to get hard enough to have sex with her, and even then I had a semi sometimes. We spent the night together and she went back to her country the day after. We exchanged phone numbers but I doubt that we will meet again. She was nice but I am not near ready for any relationship. I need to get my shit together first!
    Day 6: Feel like complete shit today due to the side effects from the viagra and the alcohol that I drank yesterday. It feels like my body is totally drained on energy.. long time since I felt as tired as I feel right now. Do not get anything done for the entire day, just lays in the sofa reading on forums with my cell. Logs into the hotwife forum, reads some stuff and everything ends with a relapse.. damn..

    Day 1: Goes to the gym in the morning, makes me feel a little better, but still depressed and tired. Writes a report for work in the evening and drinks alcohol at the same time. Can not resist to look at P, ends with 5 PMO.

    Day 1: Does to the gym in the morning. Depressed. Feel so tired and exhausted. Goes out to buy some new clothes for the upcoming trip. Are experiencing a LOT of anxiety, do not want to be around people, are listening to music all the time to create a distance between me and the world, feel like everybody is looking at me. Feel weak. Day ends with 2 PMO.

    Day 1: The evening I had with the girl a couple of days ago have triggered something inside me, I have now realized that I would like to have more closeness with females in my life. I miss the female energy. But at the same time I need to get control of my situation before I involve anyone. The female expects the man to be strong and take the lead and as I am not even able to lead my self right now I will not be able to lead anyone else, it would end badly. Maybe I can create the illusion for her that I am a man with value but if we would progress into a relationship she will see that I do not have control of my own world and cut me off immediately.
    Today in the evening I travel with my friends abroad and will be away for a week. No PMO urges as I have other stuff on my mind. I am enjoying going away a lot this time. Mostly before I have been felling so much anxiety going abroad but I guess as I get older I get more confident.
    Day 2: Some urges today, see a lot of beautiful women. Feel quite good as it is nice to hang out with my friends. Drinks alcohol in the evening, will see how it feels tomorrow.
    Day 3: Drinks alcohol again in the evening but still feel anxiety... The damn anxiety is back, can not relax. Probably due to the alcohol yesterday. We go out drinking today and went to a beach club. My confidence is at rock bottom so I do not even dare to look at the women. One of my friends spots a lady checking me out a lot and tells me go talk to her, but I do not dare due to anxiety. My friend gets fired up as he thinks I have a good chance and thinks I should take the opportunity.. but I still do not dare to do anything, kind of makes me feel depressed.
    Day 4: Headache and feel tired and weak from yesterdays drinking. Feels urges today. I often feel a lot of urges the day after alcohol for some reason. The alcohol is so much not worth it! But to be honest I do not know how to avoid it as all my friends drinks and have fun. But I still need to cut it out of my life but it will be so difficult.
    Day 5: Start to feel urges but all alcohol is messing up my state. Drinks again in the evening, quick solution to shift back my state for a while.
    Day 6: Feel a lot of anxiety today and shows a lot of apathy. Does not feel good at all.. do not enjoy the trip right now due to all anxiety and brain fog. My friends do most of the talking I rarely say something right now. My friends are talking to some girls sometimes but the girls do not even look at me right now, it is like they can feel my energy and therefore avoid me at all cost (not consciously). It is like I am transparent. My friends brings me into the conversations all the time but the girls keeps cutting me off (again not consciously) showing no interest. It feels like my dark state leaks out in some way, it is strange. Or it can be my foggy mind playing a trick on me... Drinks again in the evening.
    Day 7: Terrible slow day today, feel exhausted and only want to rest and sleep. I hate alcohol for what it does. This trip would have been perfect if I only managed to stay away from it. I am in a warm sunny country with my best friends and could have the time of my life, but I am feeling like shit and are so depressed that I do not want to do anything. The reason why I do not give up totally is due to me knowing the reason for all this is alcohol, I know by experience that it fucks up my state totally... I am looking forward to going home, everything is all so fucked up right now. Goes home in the evening.
    Day 8: Getting a lot of urges. Know that I need to be careful right now. But there is too much brainfog I keep falling into autopilot. Do not know how to spend my time. Ends up on the hotwife forum and downloads P, does edging for 7 hours before I cross the line and relapses.. So waste of time.. Time for damage control!
  7. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    After reading my last post and summarizing the last couple of weeks I realized that I have lost control again and need to put in all my effort to put my self back on track.

    On Monday is my holiday period over and I need to go back to work full time. The pressure will be high directly from the start as the project is experiencing delays so I need to get back into control. I am having a position where I am supposed to lead 3 engineers and this will not work if I do not get back the momentum.

    Today after the relapse I experienced urges to drink alcohol, probably due to being desperately in need of getting back my dopamine levels. I gave in and are starting to get drunk right now as I am writing this, have consumed around 3 deciliter whiskey (I am also fighting urges about logging into the dating site to try to pull a transvestite). The present situation scare me as my holiday period is so close to being over and I need to empty my mind to get everything sorted and to get a clear way forward.

    I do not know if it was a coincidence but during the period when I managed to stay away from PMO for 21 days I was out in the early spring sun during the time when the sun is very strong. It resulted in dark skin discoloration in one spot of my face (quite big) Women can experience this during their pregnancy due to hormone changes. Probably I would have received it anyway but I do not dare to take the risk to receive more of those, so I have now made the decision to postpone my complete MO avoidance to after the summer.

    The urges staying away from PMO have been huge when reaching 7+ days and it has always ended badly so I will now try another way forward. I will allow my self to MO once every week (if I am not able to hook up with a woman to O). I will cut out P as it damages the brain in a lot of ways. I believe that it is much less damageable doing MO only using real world memories and fantasies as source for the arousal. I am aware that maybe it will not improve the sensitivity of my brain as much as if I stayed away completely from PMO, but at least I am improving and are not falling into sessions ending with numerous PMOs and other destructive behavior (like drinking alcohol and browsing forums and looking at P for hours). The results staying away from MO for 7+ days have been very good and I can always crank up the number of days if I am not experiencing the results that I want for myself. When the summer is over I will continue my struggle of complete MO avoidance for 90 days straight.

    After my meltdown 2011 I created a few KPIs for myself:
    1: Energy level
    2: Stress level
    3: Body pain level
    4: Sleep

    Where no. 1-3 can be a value between 1-10 and no. 4 is how many hours I am sleeping every night. Every day I am logging my value to keep track of the trend. The idea is that I shall every Sunday go through the week and look at the values to keep the feedback loop tight so I am able to adjust my behavior before I have gone too far into something. I have not summarized the values for a couple of weeks and now when I am looking at it the trend has been negative and it scares me. Staying away from depression due to exhaustion is absolute priority one for me.

    Moving forward it is clear that I need to remove all PMO triggers. I have not followed my goal of avoiding the hotwife forum that I introduced in the last summary and that have resulted in relapses. I need to resist those triggers. It is much easier to resisting to enter the web address to the forum than resisting edging after spending time reading on that forum. I need to address the problem as close as possible to the root.

    I also need to stay away from alcohol as it seems to be the main thing for me. Alcohol seems to be more devastating than PMO as it is related to social events and when meeting buddies. I guess I need to just make a decision and follow through whatever happens, it will be extremely difficult but I do not see any other way than just going through it. The challenges are as follows.
    1: Resist drinking alcohol when meeting family and relatives. I have shown earlier that I can do this so I need to keep my motivation up and do the same thing next time.
    2: Resist drinking when meeting buddies. This will be tough but manageable as my friends are all good guys that will understand my situation when I explain it to them.
    3: Resist drinking when I am on a date with a new woman. This will be the most tricky one as I have no idea of how I shall be able to have a great date with a woman without introducing alcohol, need to figure this one out, anyone have any suggestions?

    I have also figured out six habits that will be very beneficial to implement into my personality. I have downloaded an application for android that is called goal check and gives the possibility to keep track of how I am progressing with my goals.

    The goals are as follows:

    1: Adjust the energy
    Do at least 20 min of mediation every day to adjust the energy field and to find the center of stability.

    2: Powerful recharge
    Sleep at least 7 hours / night to be able to recharge the energy levels.

    3: Go up directly
    Go up from bed within five minutes after waking up.

    4: Adjust direction
    Read the goals once a day to keep track of the direction of the development.

    5: Release tension
    Perform a quick stretch of critical parts once a day to release tension.

    5: Free time
    Work maximum 8h / day to free time for personal development and hobbies.
  8. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    Day1: Felt very weak and depressed today but was invited to a friends summer place. Of course it was alcohol involved and it made me feel a little better (as it always does), also I boosted myself with two redbull to get some energy. This is the 9 day in a row that I have been drinking alcohol. We where in the sauna and a happy surprise was that the ladies decided to go topless. But I could not feel any energy rising inside my body and it made me depressed as I believe that seeing women being in their prime with naked breasts all sweaty and giggly shall awake something in every man. They were girlfriends to my friends so I would never in my life try something as I am 100% loyal to my friends, but still some energy awakening inside should be the default state in such a situation. Another happy surprise was that the girl that I met a while ago where it ended with sex called me and wanted to meet during next weekend., I accepted. The girl coming to see me made my motivation rise high, it would be incredible disrespectful against the Universe to not use the situation to steer back my life into the right direction. She will arrive early in the morning and go back late evening the next day, that is almost 36 hours together and it scares me as I do not know how to handle that situation. After breakfast next day she will see the true me experiencing a hangover from a heavy dose of viagra.. it will probably be ugly.. the worst thing about viagra is that it gets me trapped inside my own head, I have hard to come up with stuff to speak about, it is like my brain shuts down.

    Day 2: Home again from the party yesterday and I totally panic as everything is a mess right now. This is what happened. I drank 4 redbulls during the day to keep my self in motion even though I was dead tired. I accomplished to clean out the fridge, took care of all laundry lying around, emptied the traveling-bag, took care of all trash (recycling cans and everything), vacuumed the floor and swabbed the floors, cleaned up the whole apartment. I bought food and cooked it so now I have food for the complete week. I also analyzed my economics going back totally 6 months and added all different expenses and categorized them, so now I have total control of that. Listen to music all day especially when I was going shopping for food as it feels like I can distant myself from the rest and it gives me less anxiety. I have a big backlog since my depression and the years before that, there have been a long time where I have not invested into myself at all, need to start catching up.

    Day 3: First day at work today, energy level today was around 5/10. Feel weak, confused, lack of focus and depressed, only tries to survive at work. Woke up a couple of times during the night and was very horny, edged but at the same time had problems with E. Probably some strange energy passing by since all days of drinking. The stress has already found its path into the body. No urges during the day.
    Meditation: A lot of tension, left ancle, backside of the leg, both thighs, belly, lower back, shoulders, neck, throat and face. Can not relax, like I have forgotten how to do it.
    Workout: In front of the treadmill there are mirrors so I can see myself when I am running. It was not a good sight. I was running for 15 minutes and it looked and felt like an old man running.. All muscles being stiff, it looked like I had hurt myself. I was by myself in the gym so I continued through.
    Now I am in my bed and the clock is 22:15 so I will catch a good nights sleep!

    Day 4: Very very strange night. Came home and was relaxed after the workout, went asleep. Woke up many times during the night edging (half sleeping) body felt like it had fever, probably some shit from the workout. The skin felt very sensitive and I was touching myself in the sleep enjoying the feeling, weird. Set the clock for 06:30 but manages to sleep over and woke up at 8:20, so 10 hours sleep tonight!
    State is a mix between feeling weak, depressed and anxious.
    No meditation today as I slept over.
    Workout: Do not want to go but does it anyway! Have a lot of pain in the head due to tension in the neck (gets this now and then). Fights myself through the workout, again alone in the gym which is nice as I feel like a 60 year old. Comes home and are hungry. I have momentum from the training and use that to go shop, cook a nice omelet, eat and take care of dishes, all in around 40 min! Time that could easily have been wasted with P or on the HW forum. Now I am in bed and are feeling good as my blood sugar level is stabilized and my workout has generated a dopamine release.

    Comes up with a really good idea today! If I create a habit to avoid triggers that leads to PMO I will for sure avoid it for all future! For example if I create a habit to only avoid PMO, what does it mean? It means that I can edge all the way to relapse but not cross the line, I will never manage to keep that habit. When I am so close to the edge the reptile brain have already taken over all power! What I need to do is to stop the chain reaction from happening directly in the start while the reptilian brain is still sleeping, it will not even know it happened! Before I have edged for about 4 hours before falling into relapse, that is not edging for christ sake, that is a 4 hour long relapse!! There was not even a chance for me to avoid the outcome when pushing the edge so far out. I need to handle the problem as close to the root as possible, directly when the trigger arise I need to avoid acting on it.Therefore I am now creating a seventh habit.

    7: Move in peace
    Go through the day without acting on triggers, be smart!

    For that to work I need to define the triggers to avoid:
    1: Do not touch the dick more than needed for taking a leak or cleaning it (not perfectly defined but don't know how to define it better)
    2: No reading on the hotwife forum
    3: No erotica
    4: No P

    Day 5: Very strange night again, so horny when I went to bed yesterday (seems to be connected with the workout), but no W when awake, but a lot of W when sleeping. I really believe in my new habit, I hope it will change my behaviour for the better. Also had a nightmare tonight. Was dreaming about my ex girlfriend, woke up with tears running down my face. She was so mean to me in the dream. That was strange as our breakup was far from painful and we were both very nice to each other accepting the situation. So the state was bad from start, changed to the better during the day though. Not so depressed today, more energy, now the level is a strong 6/10. Experienced triggers when doing a toilet visit at work "browse the hotwife forum", but avoided it, want to implement habit no. 7! Goes away at 15 and take my protein shake even though there is a lot of stress at work, need to get my body back into shape!

    Also experienced another insight! I believe the truth behind our habits are associations. Our brain is continuously doing associations. For example if we see a chair we directly associate it with something that has four legs, something that we can use to sit on or stand on to reach higher. If the brain didn't do this stuff it would be overloaded, it needs to filter out the data by using associations. The same structure is present behind habits. I experienced so clearly during the toilet visit today. I took up my phone and started browsing YBOP (no harm in that) and instantly the though to browse the hotwife forum arise, so my brain associates the mobile together with being alone in some toilet with browsing the hotwife forum! What I need to do is to break that link! I believe this can be done by switching in another response. For example I didn't act on the thought and instead (still very aware of the thought being present) slowly went back to the YBOP forum. Every time I do this that link will be weaker and the link between YBOP and toilet visit will be stronger.. lol.. maybe not the best link to be made but a lot better than P. If we all want to take P out of our lives we need to swap it with something else. So every time the though of P comes up, what do you plan to do? What experience will you replace P with? Come up with something and keep doing it, every time you succeed the linkage between the present situation and P will be weaker and the link between the present situation and the experience that you swapped in will be stronger.

    Meditation: Tried to focus on the breath for 20min. Noticed that the distractions went between work, the hotwife forum, the girl from last week, my ex girl, earlier dates that went bad. Lot of tension but better than last time. Could not relax. Good that the mind is divided between work and other stuff, during the depression it was work, work, work..
  9. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    Day 6: Sad dream this night as well so I woke up with at bad state, almost starts to cry when making breakfast as I am now feeling quite OK and gets sad over how I am treating myself and sad over all time I am spending with hangovers. Around five days without alcohol is the normal turning point but as I had been drinking in a number of days in a row I probably need more days to recover.

    Meditation: Pretty nice experience today as I managed to relax for a couple of seconds, then it was like I remembered that I should be tense and my whole body got tense again. Notices how the mind moves, was thinking about being introvert when that led to my thoughts moving to an old class mate, that led to a memory of a teacher giving me a hard time in school. At that point I got aware of me loosing focus and turned back the focus on the breath.

    Was at work already at 07:50, nice! Was able to go home at 17. Had dinner and went to the sofa and started reading on YBOP. After about five minutes I was so tired I could not hold my eyes open so I fell a sleep, slept around 30min. Woke up and started to read on YBOP again. A lot of thoughts about checking the hotwife forum appeared, but I did not gave in. Got stuck. Suddenly I get a text from a friend and it was strange but it gave me some energy. I went up, packed my stuff and went to the gym.

    Workout: OK training. Kind of weak and bad balance on the treadmill. Still tired from the earlier workout this week.

    This was the first good day in a long time! I felt OK today. Energy 7/10. Usually now is when I fuck up.

    Day 7: Have worked myself up to 7 in energy level again and I am feeling OK. Some fear are left as I am scared of falling back into the state I was in only a couple of days ago. The brain feels kind of clear.

    Had a really bad nightmare tonight. Was dreaming that I was with two girls in bed.. but suddenly I noticed that one of the girls was not a girl.. it was a man that have had its private tool removed and replaced with something else.. something really weird and strange.. it was horrific! Do not want to go into more details than that as it makes me feel bad again. Woke up and noticed I was breathing hard and my heart was pumping. W was present. Have noticed that the nights with a lot of W and stuff are related to when I am doing workout. But today the W was not as strong as before, maybe due to that scary dream.

    Meditation: Very distracted with work stuff, mind gets involved in loops about work all the time and I need to bring it back to the breath. Only once that my mind cascaded into old bad memories. Why does mind look up old bad memories, why can it not look for good memories? What is the purpose with dwelling into the depressing stuff? Does it look for memories that it thinks is related to the situation, like if I am a little sad it looks for that kind of stuff?.. In the end I gave 100% of my energy to keep brining back the focus to the breath as soon as it got distracted and as fast as possible. I did this for a while concentrating as hard as I could and suddenly it was like the resistance disappeared. Suddenly I noticed that I now was able to keep the focus on my breath without so much effort. It was nice but the 20 minutes ended there.

    Felt some attraction today to a girl on the subway, so nice! Was a long time since I did that.

    Workout: Went early from work to hit the gym even though I still had some tasks to be done, didn't bother to care. Workout was kind of OK, but I feel that my energy now is low as this is occasion no. 4 on five days, need to rest the body now.

    The urges have not been so present lately. Can be due to me now being back at work and it is consuming a lot of energy. Anyway I am now feeling quite OK. It is interesting that I only for a couple of days ago felt totally depressed and only in a couple of days went back to feeling OK. I realize now that I need to cut out the alcohol from my life completely, it is simply not worth it. One day with alcohol and five days inside depression...

    Tomorrow the girl will come visit me and right now I feel OK, we will have a good time. But I will consume some alcohol with her and I will take a viagra to have sex. It will probably hit me bad so Day 9 I will be back into a bad state.. lol.. realize I need to change this.. it can not continue. After the weekend I will cut out all alcohol, no matter what happens. Even if I meet the love of my life I will need to be boring and stay sober. I need to learn how to handle being sober in all situations. I feel depressed about this because I love to get drunk and be out partying, chatting with mates and girls and just play around.. I love it, love it, love it... and now there will be no more doing it.. but I mean I can not live in this 5 days hangovers any more, too much of my life gets spoiled..

    Anyway I feel OK right now, but are dead tired. Friday clock 22:30 and I will now drink a protein shake and then hit the sack. Over and out.
  10. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: 1w. Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    Day 8, O and Alcohol counter reset: Woke up with W. But this time my W was different. Now it was more natural and did not force any chaser feelings. Had some urges to touch it but managed to slowly remove my hand all the time, following habit no. 7. Lay in bed for a little while resting and enjoying the nice W. When it started to go down some chaser thoughts came up, trying to force me to keep it up by touching or fantasizing but I did not give in to that, only lay there relaxing. It actually went up again to go down later. It was a new experience for me, before I would have done something about it directly. No troubles with BB as I didn't do any edging.

    I am feeling some fear today as this is the first day this week that I am feeling well and I am scared of falling down into the same state I was inside of in the beginning of the week, I felt so bad back there. I will drink alcohol tonight when I see that girl but after that I will stay sober for 30 days. Need to cut the alcohol out of my life, no other option available.

    Meditation: Nothing special to report, kind of nervous about meeting up with the girl.

    Met the girl and was with her the whole day, it was nice. She had a gift with her. I was a bottle of liquor.. lol.. she knows me already! Had sex with her in the evening, used viagra.

    Cleared my O and alcohol counters. I am still counting every day that I stay clear of PMO as a complete day.

    Day 9, O counter reset: Hangover from the viagra. But feel rather OK. Think it was due to me mixing the viagra with the food yesterday so all chemicals did not hit my blood stream. The girl stayed with me until late evening today. I took one more viagra and had sex with her twice. She is really nice, I like her. But I do not like the need of taking viagra as the hangover takes away most of the joy with being with a lady. I hope that after staying clear of PMO for a really long time that need will disappear. Have a hangover from the viagra now, will try to go to bed early so I do not feel too bad tomorrow.

    Meditation: Excused today as I have company.

    Everything is moving in the right direction. The implementation of the habits goes well. I am ready to face next weeks challenges!

    Habit implementation process, 7 days tracked:
    1: Adjust the energy: 83%
    2: Powerful recharge: 100%
    3: Go up directly: 83%
    4: Adjust direction: 100%
    5: Release tension: 100%
    6: Free time: 67%
    7: Move in peace: 100%
  11. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: 1w. Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    Day 10: Woke up sad, weak, tired and slow. Trouble with the stomach due to the viagra yesterday. Do not want to go to work, only want to stay home and sleep.

    Meditation: The hearts beats heavier and faster than normal due to the viagra (normal behaviour the day after for me) . Tension in the neck and throat, pain in the head. Foggy eyes. Tired in the body, but able to focus better on the breathing. Relaxed breathing now, before there has been a lot of tension and it has felt forced.

    Realize that I need to win this battle inch by inch, I can not take everything at once. The first step will be to remove alcohol and PMO and after that also remove MO that is probably needed to get rid of the ED problems. I think that it is much more healthy to stay totally sober and MO once a week or second week instead of ending up drunk as hell masturbating for hours to some strange porno in front of the computer at 6 AM due to a night out without any attention from the female side, sending me back into a state that will take one week or more to recover from. So that will be my strategy moving forward. I will stay clear of MO for minimum one week, but after one week I am allowed if the pressure gets to high to MO (no P of course). If I feel confident that I can push myself for two weeks or longer without too high risk of relapse I will do it, but I will start out a little slow and easy and then amplify as I am fulfilling my goals on the way. Alcohol is priority one. I only drank two beers two days ago, but I can still feel it..

    Today a new type of urge showed its ugly face. I should feel a lot of anxiety due to the alcohol and the viagra and stress due to being a lot behind at work. But today the feeling boredom showed up. It must have been years since I felt boredom so it took me a while before I identified it. Maybe it is due to the nice weekend with the girl, we did a lot of cuddling and maybe I am a little emotional right now and that is the reason why I don't care about my "duties" in life. When entering my apartment I could feel the pull against PMO and the energy behind it was for sure boredom. My mind tried a new trick to try getting me back into its violence by using boredom.. I felt like I didn't care about the journey, didn't care about my health.. nothing... but deep deep down I knew that I wont stop now, cause I can't stop now.. I need to continue on the right path.

    I did not get anything done tonight as my only focus was to slow everything down.. slow it down.. move slow, think slow.. so I can catch the thoughts when they come.. so I do not fall into autopilot and act out of old patterns. But it was so close today due to a mistake made by me after the earlier relapse (did not remove all bookmarks in my phone).

    I was laying in the sofa and went through my phone just to waste the time and to stay away from the computer that is a huge trigger for me. As I lay there I went through old bookmarks in my browser, deleting them one by one. Suddenly a link to a favourite porno showed up (on of them that I relapsed to before) and the thumbnail showed a picture I didn't want to see. My thumb immediately moved over and hovered right above the link ready to press down to expose my brain giving it the fix it so much are longing for. I completely froze and the time in my head slowed down. One sec, two sec, "only a short peak, it's OK", tre sec, four sec, "see how nice she looks like, see her beautiful skin, don't you want to see more?" (beating of my heart goes up), five sec, six sec, "you can edge a little, no harm in that". Right there I woke up and another thought came in "no it is not OK! I can not edge! It will end with a relapse and all work will be of waste again!" and with that I pressed down the link, held it down until the pop up menu came up and then deleted the link. It was so close and I am nervous right now, that was a scary feeling to be so under the spell of the mind.. My habit no.7 was far forgotten! I do think that it was my meditation that help me to be able to slow it down and to catch it in time, not sure I would had made it otherwise.

    I am writing this post now scared of relapse, so I will close down immediately. Only wanted to write this down so I have it.
  12. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: 1w. Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    Day 11: Woke up twice tonight with W but felt that it was only a system check, no physical need behind it, but mentally a need arise. I ignored it and went back to sleep. Dominating feeling today is sadness. Not depressed, stressed or nervous, only sad. Maybe it is due to the alcohol, or the viagra. Only to let the time do its thing, when the alcohol counter hits 5 everything will be better. Happy that I made it through yesterday without a relapse.

    Meditation: A little better focus and more relaxed. Most of the tension is around the neck and throat and in the face. Not motivated during meditation.

    Today the battle was against lack of motivation. Do not know why I am doing this, where I am going, why I have chosen this path and what it is good for. But I keep on going. The lack of motivation can be a result of the weekend with the girl, lets call her girl1 from now on. Or it can be due to that the summer is moving towards its end and the darkness are closing in. Or maybe due to flatline. I can only keep trying to motivate myself to keep moving in the right direction, keep using the plan I have set up for myself. So many reasons to quit, but I will keep going. Do not feel like meeting anyone right now. Not due to anxiety like before.. now I only do not feel like it.. do not care right now. Tired on my work, my colleges, everything. My tasks feels pointless...

    Workout: Comes home from work and are extremely unmotivated. Literally force myself to the gym. No motivation there as well, but does it anyway.

    Trying to remind me about what Mohammad Ali said regarding how many reps he did. He said he only start counting them when it hurts. That is the same situation now, the more it hurts and the more friction I am facing the more I am developing myself. No physical urge for O at all, flacid all the time. Only my mind that wants to watch P to try to get myself out of the situation. But my mind do not know that the solution can not be found on the internet like that.. The solution is to keep following the plan!

    Day 12: Woke up tonight with W, but in the morning there was none, totally flacid. Dreamed something strange also so my state is sad and unmotivated. Problems with tension in the neck, need to go to massage or something, maybe time to take care of that problem soon.

    Meditation: Mind all over the place. Tension on the usual places. Some thoughts around sex came up, only a tingling feeling down below but still flacid. Thoughts spinning around previous dates and girls.

    Still fighting with the motivation, only want to remain in bed after meditation. It is usually now that I fuck up, I need to keep going! My mind are trying to convince me that I have not seen any results yet and therefore can quit. I need to keep going, the results will come next time everything moves up again. It is like a wave going down then up, but the next time it goes up it will go higher than ever before. Every second that I now stay on the coarse develops me massively.

    Workout: Eat to early onto the training, hard time running. Not as stiff muscles anymore, feels OK. Was able to raise the weights in some exercises.

    Feel rather good after the training, like I always seem to do! Will now fight myself into bed directly without passing dangerous situations like the computer.

    This is fucked up dudes. My mind is now trying to bait me into watching TV instead of going to bed! I know I need to sleep now to be able to stay on course and get my 7 hours sleep per day, but my mind is suggesting that I shall watch the TV... I have not watched TV for the last 2-3 months, why should I do it now!? Its crazy.. Maybe the mind is confused over this new state and situation and do this stuff, do not know. Manages to resist and go to bed. Did hit energy level 7/10 today, very very good!!

    Day 13: Sore in the muscles from all workout and back to being stressed over work. Motivation is partly back. Still big problems with the mind being confused and trying to bait me off my track, need to be careful all the time. Only two days left to the weekend now, if I can stay on course to the weekend I can use the time to regather myself and reflect. Make a new plan and refocus on that. I need to make it! Only two days left!

    Meditation: Stressed and keep falling into thoughts all the time. 95% of the thoughts are about work and the 5% being left are about women.

    I come in a little late to work as my mind generates all this BS all the time so I need to filter and it takes time. Sometimes I am following the lead of the mind ending up doing some shit like picking around clothes or stuff instead of just making myself ready and go to work!

    Major problems at work and I broke my habit no.6 (free time) today as I stayed there 10h. Much better than before when I could stay like 12 hours.. but still broke my habit.

    When I am stressed my mind sometimes baits me into getting stuck with something like surfing the internet until 3 AM, or pmo etc. So I am doing everything I can to get to bed as soon as possible. Succeeds so I manages to get 8 hour sleep.

    Day 14: Wakes up stressed and goes directly out of bed as soon as the wake up clock sounds, like I have done the whole week. So tired of all the stress, need to solve that problem in some way.

    Meditation: 98% of thoughts around work, we are behind. Pressure over the chest, tension in neck and face (the ususal). Classic stress symptoms.

    After my meditation I lay down in bed for two minutes and suddenly some thoughts around sex arises. It is making me happy because the thoughts are about girl1 and not P. This leads me to another insight on I deep level I can not see the difference between a real memory generated by a sexual encounter with a woman and a memory generated from P. I know on a logical level what memory that came from a real experience, but deep down there is no difference. My goal now is to let the memories from P fade away and replace them with real life experiences. This I believe is the re-wire thing.

    Friday today! If I manage to get me through this day the weekend will finally be here and I can recharge for next week challenges. Feel much better now! My mood is increasing together with the counters! But now I have a lot of anger, but anger is much better than being weak and tired. Thoughts about that I should work in the weekend to catch up arises, need to continue to be strong and let them pass.

    Another insight arises. My work addiction is the same as my PMO addiction! They both consists of the same basic element, thoughts. Regarding PMO I felt the physical need in the beginning but that quickly faded away,while the mental need takes a lot more time. Probably in the beginning a need arose in the body (low dopamine levels) and my mind tried to fix that by generating thoughts about PMO for me to act upon, with the goal to boost up the dopamine levels again. Regarding the mental need I need to replace the thoughts around PMO with something else. The mind is always active and the only way to make it stop generating thoughts around PMO is to either be totally present in the moment as the result from this is that the present experience takes up all the space inside the mind so there are no space available for other thoughts, this I am trying to achieve by training on being present (through meditation). The other way is to show the brain what dopamine resources that are OK to use and what sources that are not OK to use.
    Not OK:
    - PMO
    - MO (only allowed if there are a extreme physical need)
    - Alcohol
    - Sugar
    - Fat
    - TV (useless TV shows etc.)
    - Work (this one is on both Not OK and OK list as it can be a good source if I maintain my 8 hour day and do not work overtime)

    - Women
    - Friends
    - Healthy food
    - Sleep
    - Workout
    - Work (this one is on both Not OK and OK list as it can be a good source if I maintain my 8 hour day and do not work overtime)

    The process of this is to re-condition or re-wire the brain by cutting away all the bad dopamine resources and replace them with the good ones. It sounds easy but when cutting away all the bad sources there can be a gap in time before the good ones are in place and this gap can lead to lower dopamine levels than usual. So this needs to be done carefully and inch by inch so I do not overwhelm myself. By doing this the memories and patterns where my mind suggests PMO when my dopamine is low will fade a way and be replaced with for example thoughts about women, how nice!! It is only a matter of time before I can hit autopilot and rely on my brain following the new healthy patterns. But before they are in place I need to keep working against the friction.

    Now when I am thinking about it (I am learning more and more while I am writing this journal) a old girlfriend of mine always wanted to have sex when she was stressed. She had never watched P in her life and very seldom did any M. She was very sexual and always ready for some no pants dance, but especially when she experienced stress.

    I am now feeling quite good and now is usually the time when I fuck up. Usually this it what happens. I feel confused about feeling good. My mind do not know what to do now when the struggle is over. So it finds a new battle, for example work, I need to do that and that and that. I buy into the thoughts and stay overtime to finish them, that results in me skipping dinner or getting stressed or skipping workout or cutting down on sleep or skipping social events. If looking above all of those are good dopamine sources. The result is that my dopamine drops. My mind notices this and tries to help me (as I am not present myself) by looking at old patterns for the answer. It sees that alcohol has a great dopamine response and starts to generate thoughts about that I shall drink alcohol. I maybe follow them and drink. Next day my dopamine levels are even lower. My mind again is trying to help me with generating more and stronger thoughts about alcohol, pmo, sugar, fat, caffeine etc. And everything escalates into a bad spiral. Suddenly I feel so bad that myself can not ignore the state and it gets dragged into presence. I go in and take over the lead over my mind. Sets up a new plan to get myself out of the present situation and feel enough motivation to follow that plan. Succeeds to get my self out of the situation, feel again confused and it all starts over... I need to keep going in the right direction!!

    After work I was with my buddies and they were drinking beer. I managed to stay sober!! Awsome!

    Workout: Came late to the workout as I first was with my buddies, started 23:30. Fourth time I hit the weights this week, starting to feel a little over trained.

    Overall a day in the right direction!

    Day 15: Urges are coming back now, 5 days since my last O, need to stay strong. Do not know what to do with my time.. surfing the internet on my phone. Thoughts are arising regarding going to the dating site or check the hw forum. Have also edged a little.. need to be strong now! Went up and did breakfast.

    Have been anxiety free a couple of days now but suddenly a lot of anxiety hits me.. where did that come from?

    Workout: Goes thai boxing for the first time in a long time. It goes OK.

    Goes out in the evening and comes home 4 AM.

    Day 16: Warning, some triggers can be included. Woke up this morning moving between sleeping and wake up state for an hour or so. I could not control my dreams but could like set the theme of them. They included images and thoughts from yesterday evening out, girls dancing, showing their beautiful bodies, flirting.

    When I woke up completely a rush of depression, fear and sadness went through me. I thought “no, not again.. I can't handle one more hangover!” After a couple of seconds I noted that I felt quite OK.. I was confused... Then more memories come back.. I did not drink anything.. or did I?.. It took me a couple of minutes to summarize everything but I noticed flashes of images from a dream where I was drinking. So it was only in the dream that I was drinking! I had to go through the evening in detail from start to end before I was confident enough that I had been totally sober yesterday! Almost started to cry as I was so happy, I do not need to go through any hangover at all! Perfect!!

    Yesterday we where at a club that was full of these beautiful girls and women. It was for me an overwhelming experience, I was so attracted. Being on the dance floor with them moving their bodies to the music being happy, horny and a little drunk. See their tanned skin and feeling their heat and perfume. They spinning around showing off in their small dresses and high heels with their hair flowing all over the place. I could really feel this energy rising inside me, it said pursue, pursue, pursue! But I freezed, I did not know what to do. Thoughts like how do I make contact? What shall I say? I felt awkward as I had now idea how to make the move. My friend was drunk and managed to hook up with girl so I went around the place for myself for a while before I went home. I saw one girl that attracted me in such a deep way it was years ago I experienced it. I could feel this pull towards her, I wanted to make contact. It was like my body moved towards her by its own. I was close, was thinking about what to say, how to make the initial contact.. thinking.. getting more inside my head. The girls moved like one meter towards the bar and two other guys standing there started chatting with them.. damn.. went home..

    Today I am little sad over the results from yesterday. That energy rising inside of me is what this journey is all about! Thats my ancestors speaking to me, telling me to do my part of all this. The women had probably spent hours selecting the right dress and shoes, applying makeup and making themselves ready for the night out. They had done their part.. maybe they checked out this handsome guy standing there and wanted him to come forward and introduce himself, but the guy did not have the ballz to do it so nothing happened. Today they woke up alone and bored or in another mans arms..

    My mind is generating all sorts of thoughts around P, go to the hw forum, edge a little, check P, try to pull a transvestite from the dating site, this and that.. it will increase your dopamine and make you feel good. My answer is – You fcking lazy bastard need to understand that the dopamine you are looking for can not be found in this apartment. You had all chances in the world yesterday but you blew it due to being lazy. Better to stay safe and not risk rejection as I am getting my fix in front of the computer when we get home. NO! Forget that shit.. the only dopamine you will get will be a result of an encounter with a real life woman! I will keep you strained of the supply until you behave as I want you to behave! If you want that golden dopamine then go out and pursue it! No pain no gain you couch potato!

    Everything is going extremely good right now. But I am scared.. I fear that I will wake up one day and be back in knee deep shit again. I need to trust my method. Keep following my habits, keep planning every day in detail and keeping having a clear goal! I pray that I can continue on this path, to continue implementing new patterns. Girl1 called me today and want to meet next weekend. That means that if I manage to stick to the plan I will O with her and clear the O counter at around 12 days, that is a great start. Also I will then beat my old record of more than 21 days without PMO! I like my life right now! I says that 30 days are needed to implement a new habit, but this can probably differ a lot. Keep moving forward!

    Habit implementation process, 14 days tracked:
    1: Adjust the energy: 92%, +9%
    2: Powerful recharge: 86%, -14%
    3: Go up directly: 91%, +8%
    4: Adjust direction: 93%, -7%
    5: Release tension: 92%, +9%
    6: Free time: 75%, +8%
    7: Move in peace: 100%, +0%
  13. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: 0w. Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    Day 17: Urges in the morning after pictures or anything that can get me going.

    Meditation: Managed to relax completely for a couple of seconds before I noticed it and startedt to get tenced again. Some thoughts from the black hole period came into my mind and it triggered lots of feelings.

    Big resistance about going to work, easy to get stuck. The removal of pmo and all triggers have created a void that now needs to be filled with something else. I feel like there is something missing in my life. Motivation is back, but not motivated to go to work, confused right now.

    Lots of thoughts around P in the evening, mostly due to boredom. Got stuck in the evening and messed up my 7 hour sleep.

    Day 18: Horny in the morning but no W. Woke up before the clock and felt full of energy, can not remember when that happened before.

    Meditation: Good fokus today but a lot of tension. Should be very stressed about work but are not. Do not know why but it is very nice. Almost got stuck in bed after the meditation, need to look out for that, it is easy to forget how bad it was before as the memory about feeling like shit is getting weaker for each day.

    Now I know what I need to fill up the void created by the removal of pmo with, seduction! :) I will use the energy and time to learn the art of seducing women.

    Was next to a young girl on the subway and it triggered a lot of arousal inside me, nice! Came some sperm when I peed today.

    Day 19: Hard to sleep tonight. Big pressure down stairs, some pain as well, but I will keep going. Day 10 without O.

    Meditation: Good fokus and relaxation in the beginning but hard to focus in the end. Not so much thoughts around work anymore, strange. After the meditation my thoughts went away to think about sex and before I knew it I had an E and performed edging, stopped immediately. Need to prevent getting stuck in the mornings after meditation so my habit no. 3 now also includes after meditation.

    Feel very horny, nice feeling. Need to keep myself in motion.

    Day 20: Woke up tonight and noticed I was performing edging in sleep, felt like it was in the last second that I got aware about it and could stop it before it was too late. Later in the night I had a WD that was really nice. First I noticed in the dream that I was dreaming so I could do whatever I felt like. Started to fly over the town and dive down close to the ground, then I remembered that hmm.. how about finding some girls? So I flew with the speed of light to the beach where I found three women in bikini, it all ended perfectly. Woke up before O so nothing spoiled either.

    Meditation: Thoughts are 90% sex, 5% work, 5% other. Quite a shift!

    Pain downstairs and are feeling sick, a little scary, but will keep going. Bad focus on work, only thinking about sex.

    Day 21:

    Meditaiton: Again stressed. The anxiety is back today for some reason.

    Goes on a quick date in the evening, but to stressed to create a good experience.

    Day 22: Tired like hell today but pushes my self to go out and meet some friends. Lot of pain down below, looking forward meeting with girl1 tomorrow.

    Day 23, O counter reset: Do not feel well at all today. Hard to sleep, wakes up early but are still tired. Feel sick. Meets up with girl1 and has sex until O three times using viagra, do not look forward the upcoming hangover.

    Habit implementation process, 21 days tracked:
    1: Adjust the energy: (21),95%,+3%
    2: Powerful recharge: (21),81%,-5%
    3: Go up directly: (21),94%,+3%
    4: Adjust direction: (21),86%,-7%
    5: Release tension: (21),80%,-12%
    6: Move in peace: (13),100%,+0%
    7: Free time: (12),77%,+2%

    Day 24: Feel sick today, nerves on the outside, pressure in the chest, anxiety. Need to stop using that damn viagra.

    Day 25: Feel better but stressed out. Need to focus on getting enough sleep.

    Meditation: Start to be able to fokus and relax during the meditations.

    Close to watch P today. Surfed around on a forum and someone posted a link to P, was not prepared and the only reason that I did not fall for it I believe is due to the meditation and that I am able to slow down everything so I get a chance to make a conscious decision.

    Day 26: Crazy night! Was up to pee 4 times. Also woke up with E and edged in the sleep, was able to stop in time. Horny in the morning. Got a sudden rush of feeling that I am missing my parents, missed their energy so much, almost started to cry. Feel like something is happening with me on a core level.

    Meditation: A lot of pain is back.

    Day 26: Very stressed today, woke up very early in the morning, not able to relax. Are going away on a thing in the weekend and maybe that is the reason to all stress.

    Day 27: Went to bed early yesterday but woke up a number of times and felt horny. I have E but as soon as I wake up it goes down again. Fighting with urges to go to hw forum, P etc. now. Notices that my fantasies seem to have developed into a much stronger energy, they are more vivid and powerful now. Also interested in real life sex now, lot of thoughts around that as well, good thing. Feels like the last chemicals from the viagra now finaly have left the bloodstream. Goes out in the evening and talk to a lot of girls, was able to build some attraction but besides from that things does not go well.

    Day 28: Out in the evening and are chasing girls, but without any results. Now more or less so horny that I do not care about rejection, only thinks about pursue, pursue. Really need to get better at this.

    Day 29: Tired today, out meeting some friends anyway, no interest in sitting inside my apartment.

    Day 30: A book that I bought arrived today and I started reading it, unfortunately it included some sexual material and it was enough to trigger me. I am also starting to feel like I have a cold now. Everything ended with me browsing around a little on the hw forum. I have not went through my habits for a long time.

    Day 31: Home sick from work. Browsed the hw forum and edged for 4 hours before I passed the line and relapsed. Went up, went to the bathroom, then out again and edged for 3 hours before second relapse.. damn.. lost control again. At least I did not relapse to porn with big P, it was erotica, but still..

    Overall the 30 day no-PMO period that I have experienced has been quite a ride. A lot of the anxiety has disappeared and been replaced with e new form of energy. A new more bold and risk taking energy. I have felt a lot more sexual and very interested in the female (in the end of the period) and interested in experiencing new stuff and situations, not so afraid anymore. My thoughts during meditation shifted from being 90% around work to be 90% around sex and women. I have experienced a more calmer and deeper voice and I can handle people at work easier, mostly due to that I do not care anymore. I have started to approach women at social settings and find it pleasurable to be within their presence.

    But from day 23 I lost control. Due to having stuff to do 24/7 I got stressed out, and that in combination with the viagra in my bloodstream made me deviate from my correct direction. I stopped making notes in my diary and stopped to logg my habit implementation process. Also I got a cold that knocked me out together with not having any food at home and laying in bed for too long in the morning, resulting in low blood sugar (which means low dopamine). I will not make any adjustments to my method as I believe that it has everything needed to take me to success. But I need to be more strict about always following the method, never to skip going through the goals at least one time each day. I need to always arrange time for this.

    Habit implementation process, 30 days tracked:
    1: Adjust the energy: (30),71%,-21%
    2: Powerful recharge: (30),77%,-9%
    3: Go up directly: (30),89%,-2%
    4: Adjust direction: (30),83%,-10%
    5: Release tension: (30),76%, -16%
    6: Move in peace: (29),93%, -7%
    7: Free time: (28),83%, +8%

    As can be seen I lost control between day 21 to 30 and that is the reason also for the relapse. For some strange reason I forgot that browsing the hw forum also counts as P, but I will not make that mistake again! I will now clear the habits record and set up for another 30 days of implementation, this time I will use more focus and be more disciplined!
  14. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: 0w. Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    Day 1: Still home sick from work but will go back tomorrow, headache and tired, but rather OK. My mind is tuned towards finding dopamine on the internet so when I am home and do not allow my self to browse the hw forum etc. I get confused what to do with my time. My mind still needs that dopamine but does not know how to find it except through P, so I will during the months to come need to show it where it is located, like social settings and similar. I cleaned up my crib as well so I feel prepared to get back into the world and continue on the path of change. Looking back I have already done some changes and I can feel that my mind is slowly adapting.

    Meditation: The meditation today went well, I was able to keep a high level of focus for 20-30 sec during one moment, progress. Still a lot of stress and pain in the body that I need to release while at the same time avoiding blocking the energy that is now rising as a result of no-pmo, I need to channel it directly so I do not build up more stress and pain. That I believe is done by acting exactly inline with my inner wishes and goals, being totally congruent with my inner self. Without distortion from fear, anxiety and limiting beliefs, easier said than done but I have to find a way.

    During today when I have been home things have slowed down, and so has my mind. There have been moments where I have felt relaxed and in ease with myself. During one of those moments when I felt positive and tuned in with life and everything I got a feeling that there are more beneath the surface. There are negative energy trapped beneath the surface and there will be a moment where I need to let that shit out. It will probably be one of those moments when everything feels OK when it happens. Can only imagine how the process will be like, but it will certainly not be pleasant. Years of mistreating my own body and mind, working as a slave for a company that do not care. The hard part is that it was not my company, boss or co-workers fault, it was my own fault. I had the option to walk away after 8 hours of work, to go home to my girl that loved me deeply and wanted to build a family. But no, instead I acted like a pussy (sorry my wording), too scared and weak to follow the right path in life. Instead I had the next deadline in mind, and after that the next one.. sacrificing my personal health for nothing that mattered at all. By doing that exhausting myself all the way into depression. My girl did the right thing ending the thing between us before I consumed her energy as well. She wanted a strong man that could be the rock in here life. She found a guy that showed all signs of being able to developing into a complete man, but instead chickened out and transferred himself into a wuss, bound to be reactive to the world around him, without any other goal than to satisfy the time plan some group of management people put up to generate tons of cash.. cash that the he would never see.. Oh shit.. .gets me so sad to think about it, how where I able to do such harm to myself, no respect at all, driving myself deeper and deeper into the darkness without any map or plan how to get me back into the light. Sometimes I get angry on everything around me, starting to blame this and that.. but I always come back to me. It was all my fault, me, me, me.. If I only took responsibility it had never gone so far.. I had everything a man can ask for, born with a silver spoon in mouth, but with a mind too weak for even an ordinary life. A lot of people are born under extremely bad circumstances and spend most of their lives in war zones. But hey.. I got crushed in the office, in front of a computer screen while putting in meaningless numbers into an excel spreadsheet. My girl texted me to come home and fuck her, do whatever I wanted to do with her, tell her what to wear, what to do, to play master and slave, take her like she wanted to be taken, anything... But I just kept working that excel sheet. I mean is there anything more important in life than to finalize a spreadsheet in time? Will not god reward me for delivering in time? When laying on my deathbed will I not be proud of myself that I kept punching in numbers into that computer instead of my dick into my lovely lady?

    Geez.. out with the bad air in with the good air..
  15. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: 0w. Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    Day 2: Still home sick from work.
    Day 3: Headache, tired and stressed. Urges to check hw forum.
    Day 4: Nothing Special (NS)
    Day 5: Strange nigh. Was turning a lot in sleep, had urges and very hot in body, seem to be connected to training. Was out until late, trying to be social with girls.
    Day 6: Was away on a course.
    Day 7: Was away on a course.
    Day 8: Monday morning and I am feeling really good!
    Day 9: Had a lot of dreams around sex. MW. Got stuck in bed in the morning.
    Day 10: Got stuck in bed. Also felt very emotional today, it feels like I am changing, fast. Anger and other emotions comes up to the surface fast and strong, need to be careful. Was on a date with a new girl today, girl2. Kissed her but nothing more.
    Day 11: Dreamed something that made me sad, woke up with tears running down my face.
    Day 12: Extremely horny tonight. Woke up with E multiple times, edged before I got present enough to make it stop.
    Day 13: Gets stuck in bed edging to erotica for nine hours straight! Manages to make me stop in time. Date no. 2 tomorrow with girl2 and I am angry towards myself that I edged for so many hours today when I have the opportunity to have real sex with girl2 tomorrow (if everything goes well).
    Day 14, O counter cleared: Was dead tired from all edging yesterday. I honestly think it would have been better to relapse quickly instead of edging for nine hours. Ended up with girl2 on the bed but did not feel horny. It was like I had a big physical need due to BB from the day before. But mentally it was depleted. Took one viagra but barely was able to get E and have sex with her. The destructive edging must stop as well.
    Day 15: Going on a business trip to the other side of the planet. Challenge is to stay away from alcohol on the plane, manages to do that!
    Day 16: Working all day and then it is time for dinner. Manages to stay away from alcohol even though everybody else is drinking! So proud of myself!
    Day 17: Working + dinner, no alcohol.
    Day 18: Comes home again.. confused and tired from jet lag. Starts to browse hw forum, ends in a relapse.
  16. I am sad

    I am sad New Member

    Re: 0 Days. Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    FenixW: I read through much of your journal. I am struck by the amount of sadness, anxiety, loneliness...you often seem to be in a very dark place. I was glad to read about your days of success where you were able to avoid drinking and keep away from porn. I know if sounds like a cliché, but have you considered meeting up with a counselor? It helped me tremendously when I was going through a low point in my life, and it helped to get me out of my own head. It's amazing the difference it can make when you see there is someone who understands or who can offer insight. Whatever you decide, keep fighting....I am certain it will get better and you're on the right path.
  17. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: 0 Days. Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    I started my reboot process in June 19, three months ago. During that time I have relapsed according to:
    No-PMO: 21, 19, 8, 10, 6, 0, 0, 8, 31, 18
    No-MO: 21, 19, 8, 10, 6, 0, 0, 8, 31, 18
    No-O: 21, 4, 15, 8, 10, 5, 0, 0, 0, 8, 8, 0, 14, 9, 14
    No-Alcohol: 9, 9, 3, 25, 4, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 8, +40 (still ticking)

    During this time I have experienced higher focus, much more energy, BIG improvements at the gym, tougher mind, much more attracted now to real life women, feel more like a man. Also my voice have become deeper, feels like I am more relaxed now and the voice resonates better. Much less anxiety and more bold in my approach to life. All good things! The last two PMO relapses was connected to erotica, so it was 48 days ago I watched a porno movie, not bad!

    The period that has passed has been more like a warm-up phase. I have been able to get small glimpses about how it will feel to unleash the power of my ancestors, but I been far from unleashing it in its fullness. To be honest I feel anxious and a little scared about doing it, as if I do I also need to unleash my sexuality in its fulness. I think one problem might be there. Due to social conditioning I have been taught that sexual energy needs to be controlled and hidden. I think this creates resistance in the process of unleashing, so I will try to focus on lowering the friction by keep telling myself that my sexuality is perfectly normal and that I shall not be scared of letting it come out in its fulness.

    So now it is time to amp it up. Normally here is where I have a problem to motivate myself. It is easy to motivate myself when I am feeling like shit, but like right now when I am feeling well I start to loose my motivation. I now need to amp it up to be able to take it from feeling well to good and after that to great. Therefore I need to go back to my habits and continue moving forward:

    1: Adjust the energy:
    Meditate for 20 minutes every day.

    2: Powerful recharge:
    Sleep at least 7 hours every day.

    3: Go up directly:
    Go up within five minutes after the alarm clock rings. And go up within five minutes after the daily mediation session.

    4: Adjust direction:
    Look at my goals at least one time every day.

    5: Release tension:
    Perform a quick stretch of critical parts once a day.

    6: Move in peace:
    Go through the day without facing triggers
    - Do not touch the dick more than needed for taking a leak or cleaning it
    - No reading on the hotwife forum
    - No erotica
    - No logging into the sex date site
    - No P

    7: Free time
    Work maximum 8 hours / day in the office
  18. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: 0 Days. Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    I am sad: Yes I have considered counselling many times, first time I thought about that was 2010. My girlfriend back then also recommended me to go to one, she was mostly concerned about my inability to prioritize in a healthy way in life. Unfortunately I have this you have to fix it by yourself attitude. But yes I think I need to start going to one in near future. There is too much darkness trapped inside and there are a lot of stuff that I am angry at, parents, work, bad memories, the world, workplace, women. I have no idea how to get it out so it keeps being there inside. As long as I have all this methods to follow it looks like I can keep my life in control but as soon as I let go of the control and let my feelings show me the way it always ends badly. Maybe the counsellor can help me with bringing the shit up to the surface, I don't know. Thanks for you comment.
  19. I am sad

    I am sad New Member

    Re: 0 Days. Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    Yes, I understand because my bf has the same "stubbornness", or strong desire to be able to say, I did this on my own. He says, I want you to be proud what I accomplished by myself. I explain its not important to me, only him, on how he succeeds. I just want him to succeed. At least you've joined this forum, which is something he won't do. Everyone must find their own way, and I respect that. But if you find yourself going in circles, do consider it (counseling) just to break out of those things. I wish you well!
  20. FenixW

    FenixW Member

    Re: 0 Days. Unleashing the power of my ancestors!

    Agree, it is only stupid when it doesn't work. His comment concerns me a little as it indicates that he is doing it for you. We are all egocentric creatures and I believe that to be able to go through with it he needs to feel that he is doing this for himself, and no one else. Otherwise it will not work in the long run. If that is the case show him more clearly what he has to benefit from walking the path of no-PMO and it will help him with motivation. Good luck to you as well!

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