============================== Goals 30 days no-PMO 60 days no-PMO 90 days no-PMO 30 days no-MO 60 days no-MO 90 days no-MO 30 days no-Alcohol 60 days no-Alcohol 90 days no-Alcohol ============================= The black hole. Beginning of 2008 I started my new job more enthusiastic than ever, now was the time for me to show my profession. I lived with my girlfriend and we were building our life together. I quickly went into overtime drive and started to spend a lot of time in the office. 2009 the economical recession raged the business I was working in and resulted into resources cut downs. Our project experiencing delays made me start to work even more overtime. The stress started to find its way into my body and pain arose in different parts of my body. The combination of high confidence together with low self esteem is never a good combination. 2011 Mars I had a total meltdown. After a long period of experiencing an extremely overactive mind everything came to a stand still. I woke up one morning and was not able to move out of bed due to exhaustion. A lot of pain in numerous parts of my body, but the most strange thing was my mind being completely empty, it was like it had shut down completely. After waking up that special morning in Mars 2011 I spent a couple of hours in bed before my body woke up enough for me to start to move. I was reflecting over my life and when being in such a condition it is impossible to avoid starting to think about ending it. After all why continue when pain is all there is? But in the middle of the misery I started to think thoughts like, what if I started to do things the way I would like to? What if I started to live my life the way that I would like to? What if I for once start to make my own conclusions and start to trust my self and my decisions? So far everything have been going with the speed of light with direction hell, so I could not possible make it worse? Mud crawling The period from Mars 2011 to beginning of 2013 I was inside a depression, the goal for me was pure survival. I do not remember so much from that period as my memory was really bad and I had big troubles with focus. But looking back I managed to go through a lot of changes. I broke up with my girlfriend since 6 years due to our relationship going down the drain, reason was my depression and that I no longer felt attraction for her. I also managed to change my job which was the best thing I have ever done. The rising New year 2013 and until now have been quite OK. I have developed a lot of tools that I am using to keep my self on the right track. But as all of you people that is going through personal development have experienced it is two steps forward and one step back, and sometimes two or three steps back. There is no straight line when it comes to changing the way of living that is for sure. Mostly I feel OK, but sometimes I feel like shit all over again. PMO I have for as long as I can remember fapped to porn but it was not until my black hole period that I started to question it. I always fapped to porn when I came home late from work, even though I knew that my girlfriend wanted me to wake her up to have sex with her. Slowly I started to loose my attraction for her, mostly due to the reason that it was a lot of work to have real sex. I had to warm her up, keep my erection etc. It was more simple to just fap to internet porn. During the mud crawling and the rising period I have done a lot of experimentation around how to build up my energy levels again and I have found a lot of good methods where no fap is a major, major one. But I have to commit that I am addicted to porn and have only been able to avoid fapping for one week at a time, so I always keep falling back into a self destructive behaviour. When I now look backwards it is clear that my porn fapping actually have changed the way I am acting at work, with friends and girls. I actually believe fapping have changed my flavor of music and killed my interests in hobbies and exploration. I never takes any risks anymore, I am just too scared and anxious. Fapping to porn is dangerous god damn it! It has to end now! I have also started to date new women but I am having troubles with feeling attraction. It is like I do not know what to do with them, and they are feeling it! My dates always ends with them feeling confused. First I show interest in them but when we are there on our date together I am not radiating any sexually interest in her. I am just neutral. I am not horny anymore, the horniness is totally gone. My eyes feel muddy and there is no spark inside me. I am having big troubles with anxiety, troubles with keeping eye contact, talking directly to people. It has gone so far that I am avoiding friends and gatherings as I am too scared to go there, I am embarrassed and sad as I know that I am missing the good stuff in life. I have for a long time used viagra when I am sleeping with a new girl for the first time due to problems with nervousness and I hope that quitting PMO will help me there as well. Unleashing the power of my ancestors I have selected the above name to this period as I believe that staying clean from masturbating to internet porn will bring me in contact with the power inherited from the ancestors that once walked this earth. The early humans that lived their lives in deep contact with there sexuality without any distortion from society and high speed internet. I want to become a real man again! All playing around with methods for energy and state building have learned me a lot of how my body is working and what is needed to shift the chemistry to the better, but the problem is not to know what to do, the problem is to do it. Therefore I am starting this journal as I am hoping that it will give me the strength needed to pursue the challenge of my life time, to become a fantastic man! Presentation of plan. No porn and limited amount of fapping: The time for me watching porn is over. I will start with 30 days without PMO and MO and then make a decision about introducing MO once every second week. But no more porno! Meditation: Meditation is key to cool down an overactive mind. I need to keep doing this to be able to find the center of stability again. No alcohol: I am having big problems with anxiety after drinking alcohol. If I am out with friends partying a whole nigh I am always sent into a full depression for the next five days. And for you guys thinking “drink a lot of water before bed” no, that will not help. I have googled around on this and I found out that there are a lot of people that even have more problems with alcohol than me. They are getting sick from one beer only. So for 30 days I will introduce a 100% non alcohol lifestyle (will drink for the last time on friday this week). After that I will make a decision to go 100% for the rest of my life or not. Workout: The most important thing for keeping the depression out of range and for releasing tension trapped inside the body. To be done at least three times a week. Healthy food: Keeping changing the bad food to good food and to keep the routines about when to eat. Keeping the blood sugar stable is key for not loosing the control of the body chemistry. Sleep: At least seven hours of sleep every night for recharging. Work time: Max spend eight working hours at office every day, independently of progress, deadlines etc. Goal setting: Every night before sleep and every morning when waking up repeating the goals set. This to keep control over the direction of the development. Summary. As mentioned before I have done some improvement works with myself before but this is for sure the biggest plan ever. It is really difficult to change habits and it requires discipline and commitment. The mind and ego will try to stop me from changing and will for sure create a lot of hoops and traps to fool me into old habits and patterns. Meditation will help me spot the traps and discipline and commitment will help me endure the time an “evil' though are active in the space of the mind. I really hope that I will be able to keep my course even through the storms and the winds that now will come. To keep staying on track until the habits are ingrained into my personality! Wish me good luck fellow Fapstronauts!