7 years of hell

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by sveltest, Jan 15, 2019.

  1. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Day 16

    More shitty dreams last night. Might be the meds im taking for sleep i dunno ill try going without them for a while

    Woke up a couple times with a hard on needing to piss. I drank a lot yesterday after stacking more wood. So with the 3 hours from the day before i stacked 10 cord in 6 hours. Dunno if thats good or not but i was going like a maniac.

    I should be out there making more money or in the gym but i have no motivation for anything. Itll come back.

    Felt like shit waking up but that kinda gets better as the day passes
     
  2. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Day 17

    Some positive changes

    Im making my own money. Women are definately more responsive. I look at people like "who the fuk are u" rather than letting them judge me. My voice is deeper and lower and i say less but get more. Ive put on slabs of muscle it seems esp around my back and legs. Way more eye contact. I walk slowly with my shoulders back and my head up.

    Some negatives.

    Im drinking like a fish. Eating everything in sight though thats not really a negative except for the effect on my wallet...i make enough bringing empty cans back to finance a revolution.
     
  3. Dark Light

    Dark Light New Member

    Hey, I'm not going to stay long (read: write much), but just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the documentation of your journey. I started an account here in 2013... which is the last time I actively visited the site. I have returned today for the same reason I joined in 2013, and looking in the "Ages 30-39" sub-forum, this was at the top of the list.

    Just wanted to say thanks. I read through your thread and appreciate the candor and vulnerable honesty. And, though we might be worlds apart (literally - you're somewhere in or near Europe, I'm thinking? Me? Other hemisphere, in both directions), I feel comforted by the solidarity that there are many struggling with this everywhere.

    Also, I hope you find this encouraging: 17 days is no small thing. I think you're probably doing better than I have in the last 6-7 years since I've been here by... I don't know, maybe 14 days? ...probably more like 15... and I had pneumonia during that time...
     
  4. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Hey Dark Light

    Thanks for tuning in. I didnt know i was making myself vulnerable lol. Maybe the talk of drugs and whatnot. And my alcoholism. These things arent stigmatized as much as mental illness like depression and anxiety or even porn addiction...shit no porn is easy unless i got a belly full of speed. Then its the only thing...

    Woke up numerous times last night with a huge boner thinking about a chick at the grocery that was clearly interested. horny as hell but not for porn. I wanted to roll over and find her there and fuck her silly.

    17 days is like a low averGe for me. The real test comes tomorrow when i have money to buy "libido enhancing" drugs.

    A lot of people relapse when theyre down...most of mine come when im up. Ill just concentrate on reading gym and drinking lol
     
  5. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Day 18

    Feel like crap waking up. But i know thats part of the deal.

    Went out to socialize last night/evening. Place gives out free food. Talked to a couple skinny negros they was cool then this fat indian thats been friendzoned by every female on the planet shows up and starts making fun of my age. Lol. U dumb bitch. Spacers and love handles enough for an entire grade 2 class to hold onto. Bitch youre more a girl than you are a dude.

    I tried to keep to myself mostly. Im not putting women on a pedistal i just wanna see you and have you in my bed and skip the intermediate steps. I know they do too...
     
  6. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Day 18.

    Hard to socialize when you got no friends. Only my physical presence can make up for lack of social proof. I could make an honest girl outta any of em lol. Im way too introvert. It kinda scares women when youre jacked n scary looking n have no friends...even tho the dog only listens to me on the farm, even my pop was surprised. my mom belts at her to come on but she only listens to me. Shes beside me every minute when i take my nap. I could probably tame a deer if i saw one.

    Honestly its fine. I have no libido but dreams are annoying...making me think i need something i dont. Srsly. Mom ahhhmm sleepin, yeA on dis couch. Lot of rly hot blond or whatever at the store.

    God they dont CARE boys. Just be a man. Make em feel safe. Didnt anyone tell you youre a MAN. Thats what women want.

    Fuck em good so they fall in love with you. Before they figure how broke ass you are.

    Peace.
     
  7. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Day 19.

    Did drugs last night. No PMO though so i figure thats a minor victory. I was drinking all day too and "forgot" to eat.

    My ex contacted me 3 days ago. I rarely check my email. She sounds like she still loves me. I still love her too. But we both have kinda the same problems tho so that makes it hard for us to get along unless we're sober.
     
  8. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Day 20

    Feel like shit.
     
  9. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    She doesnt love me. It was fake. For a year it was fake.

    She contacted me to tell me one of her ex lovers was dead.

    Ill find someone better i hope. Shouldnt be too hard. As awful as she was.
     
  10. PathToGrace

    PathToGrace New Member

    Hey, man! I glanced through your story so far, and it sounds like you've been hurt by a lot of people. First and foremost, I myself haven't been badly hurt by people (I don't think so at least), but a few of my loved ones have. The biggest factor for them turning over a new leaf was that they each found either a best friend or a significant other that was a complete 180 from the kind of people they are used to. I hope that you don't stay isolated because the right kind of people can work wonders just by being around! Who knows, maybe you'll find the right woman, and she'll be more than enough to fill any voids you might have!
     
  11. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Screw it and move on man. Congrats on 20 days as well. I wish I had your willpower. Although I'm glad I don't delve into drugs like you. Everyone's got a fault, a defect. Keep going brother, you're going to find someone else and it's going to work out for you as along as you stay clean and keep away from indulgences. You've got the willpower to stay away from porn, you've got the willpower to quit drugs. I'm praying for you man.
     
  12. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Day 21

    Ive been hurt alright. Lied to. Betrayed. Abandonned. By those who i thought loved me.

    Trying to forget it and not let myself grow bitter. I just want someone i can trust. My ex lied to my face all the time. Even punched me in the face. Screamed she hated me. Claims to not have been with any other men since she met me but i know thats a lie too. Always tearing me down and talking about her many other exes (she used to be fucking 3 or 4 dudes at the same time). What a waste of time what a horrible person.

    I dont want to be a victim
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2019
  13. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Anyway i dont want this to become a pity party.

    @PathToGrace

    Yeah...i dont want to isolate but its damn hard to get out when you dont know anyone. I know a few places i can go to meet people. Im bombing at school so thats not really an option but these other places might have people there with whom i can make a genuine connection.

    My ex keeps emailing me. She wishes me to find peace and a nice girl then gets crazy and jealous and tries to upset me if i seem to be doing better or talk about finding a decent girl.

    A 180 from her and my last ex would be so nice.

    @Intothewild89

    Ya the drugs and stuff are really whats keeping me from moving forward now

    Ive got the will and for another month or so i wont have any money to buy drugs so thatll keep me clean

    Peace all. Its been a while since ive gone 3 weeks
     
    PathToGrace and Intothewild89 like this.
  14. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Day 22

    Slept too much again. Big sign of depression but always with the morning wood and some kinda erotic dreams with Sophie Turner lol and a chick that used to work for my dad

    Having a coffee now and gonna crack open this book ive been reading.

    Hopefully the coffe just makes me more alert and doesnt jack up my anxiety.

    Peace. Hang in there fellas
     
  15. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Day 23.

    Fffffffuuuuuuuuuu...

    There doesnt seem to be much change in my mood. Woke up a bit earlier today but what for? Im still broke as fuck and got nothing to do

    Major flatline
     
  16. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Yea...im gonna hurt someone tonight

    It might be someone close. Ot it might be the arc of an asshole. Only the pattern can spit out "the result".

    Lol ok
     
  17. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Whoever you are you Suck!@@
     
  18. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Day 24.

    Not a milestone at all but i gtg see my probation officer.

    So much fun.
     
  19. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Day 25.

    Yesterday was a pretty good day. Got to my meeting and that went well. Ran into an old friend. Spent the day with him drinking and playing music. Then we went to this christian place that serves free food. I talked to a bunch of people there. Really the first time ive anything approaching a decent conversation with really hot girls in quite a while.

    Depression and anxiety is a lot better.

    Need to get something rolling income-wise tho.
     
  20. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Day 26.
     

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