7 years of hell

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by sveltest, Jan 15, 2019.

  1. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Hi people. This is my first post here. I was encouraged to sign up and start a counter by other posts ive read...hopefully it will help. Its been bad these last 7-8 years but recently much worse.

    Lately the pattern has been booze then aphetamines or cocaine then porn. (when im not off doing something else stupid)

    The longest ive gone was 7 months i think. Then some trauma or rejection will occur and bang bang bang before i know it its all for nothing.

    Social interaction seems to have gotten progressively harder. Ive alienated almost everyone around me including friends ive had for years, my three brothers and almost all my other immediate and extended family.

    I spend much of my time sleeping or just screwing around on my phone. Physically im in great shape but ive suffered from anxiety and depression for a long time.

    Im sick and tired of feeling like crap...
     
  2. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Welcome. I’m glad to see you started a log. Wishing you the best for recovery.
     
  3. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    thanks

    Day 2

    I planned to go into more detail in my original post but didnt quite know what to put.

    Im 34 and ive been watching porn on a consistent basis since about 11 or 12. Or id just masturbate using my imagination. In high school the first thing id do after i came home was up to the bathroom and grabbed the Sears catalogue and flip to the ladies lingerine section.

    Other than that it was anytime, any place. I didnt think it was any kind of problem till my early 20s ( i only lost my virginity at 21 so thats tells you something about my social skills and ability with women in particular).

    Ive been trying to quit PMO since i was 22 or so. Ive gone on long streaks and short ones. I started edging a bit but before speed and coke never for more than an hour.

    Then that all changed. Ive aways sorta considered myself hypersexual. Wet dreams all the time. Morning wood was more like all-night-long wood, random boners every day.

    Then i started doing more hard drugs. At first they gave me a boost of confidence and let me focus on work and i got a lot done. Then i discovered that porn and fapping was way more fun on these drugs than ever before.

    And so began the years of drugs, porn and increasing shame and instability

    Next...how im doing my best to destroy myself.
     
  4. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Welcome aboard!

    You seem to be very self-critical. Maybe try and catch yourself doing that, it can be bad for you to be self-critical. It's good to be self aware but you need to be balanced about it.

    You've taken a good step by joining the forum and making steps to quit porn, so I think you should give yourself a little pat on the back for that!

    Also, you seem to be aware of where you're going wrong in other areas of your life - like alienating yourself from friends. Are they good friends? Do you want to reconnect with them?
     
  5. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Yes id say they were good friends. I still talk to a couple of them but its not the same as hanging out shooting the shit and genuinely having fun. At the moment i dont know if i want to reconnect with them. Its fun to have friends but sometimes they hold you back.

    I am self critical. I have a lot to be self critical about. A lot to be proud of too but somehow that doesnt seem to matter as much to people...they want to believe the worst
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2019
  6. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    So i basically slept all day. I had three classes and didnt go to any of them. I just wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep. Have not eaten either. Have not trained or worked out in close to a month. Lucky my genetics are pretty good so i am still quite lean and muscular.

    You wouldnt believe the amount of drugs and for how long i edged...i think it was about a week ago but this has happened dozens of times.

    24 hr speed fueled fap marathons. Sometimes longer. Sometimes i cum only once or twice sometimes 6 or 7 times.

    Im left feeling depleted and empty...sometimes a panic attack(s) will follow sometimes not.

    The strange thing is...even through all this crap ive had more than my share of sex as well, and a couple serious gfs. Morning wood is always there and even after i cum inside my gf or whatever chick im fucking i stay hard after indefinitely...
     
  7. Antonius

    Antonius Member

    Welcome, sveltest.

    I’m not an expert on any of this by any means, and other, more experienced people could have different opinions than mine, but you might want to consider getting some help for the drugs you’re taking first. PMO is something that negatively affects your life, of course, but in terms of health, legal issues, etc., I’d look towards getting clean from drugs and work getting clean from PMO into the recovery as a secondary step.
     
  8. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Ive considered it. Sought help...kinda had some good streaks of being clean here and there but something always seems to derail me.

    Well...day 3. Its easy when you have no libido or money to buy drugs.

    Was pretty sick last night...ate a bunch of garbage food along with a few drinks then chugged some water in the middle of the night...started throwing up and ive been on and off the toilet all night...gross.
     
  9. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Still day 3 i guess... :/

    Just woke up and its now almost 6:00 in the evening. Feeling better physically but my mental state isnt the best. Depression anxiety etc etc the usual.

    Missed another class today. Its only the first week of the semester so maybe its not so serious. Ill have to go in on Monday and see whats up.

    Certainly a flatline or hard depression going on. I dont talk to anyone. No one messages me lol and im not going to beg for attention. Also huge lack of motivation and focus from depleting my dopamine

    Its easy to not watch porn or fap when i have no drugs, like i said. Im a little concerned what will happen when my $$$ comes in at the begining of the month.

    For the record i never had any ED or DE or stuff like that....im not bragging and thats really gotta suck. Morning wood every morning too. Im convinced this is a problem with dopamine/serotonin/norrpinephrine than testosterone

    I will continue to post as things occur or progress. Maybe youll hear the story of 2 crazy ex gfs...
     
  10. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Well im gonna try to sleep and get in some kinda workout tomorrow. Lucky for me i practically just look at the weight and i gain muscle

    Pretty much completely broke so there might be some fasting in my future. Gonna shoot for pushups chin ups and plyo jumps tomorrow

    Meso-ecto gentics
    Never get germs or viruses it seems. like my body just wont tolerate them...no matter how run down i am. Over 4 years and i have not been sick.

    Still day 3 technically... we'll see where my DL and squat is at soon. As well as my striking.
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2019
  11. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Day 4

    Not much different...some sex dreams during my big daytime nap. Just reading now getting a buzz on with these shitty girly poppers my ex got me hooked on...cunt. (not cuz she got me hooked shes just trash in general).

    I dont care how long this takes im in it until i have a proper life. Better than a proper life

    Cold as fuck where i live and i got no friends. Pretty solitary existence. My mom invited me to go out for supper but i cant deal with her right now. She put me in this shit mess in the first place withholding love. YEAH im BLAMING someone else...because its someone elses fucking fault.

    Anyway...screw her screw all the people who abandonned me and betrayed me cheated and lied. Its in my hands now. (No pun intended)
     
  12. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Day 5

    A sadness has gripped me.

    I was betrayed by someone (by many) who i thought cared for me and loved me. She never missed an opportunity to tell me how stupid or inadequate i was, regardless of the truth.

    I feel like a hardened criminal. Trusting no one. Afraid to get close for fear of more betrayal and abandonment. I am perfectly adequate (more than adequate) in every way but my shattered confidence wont allow me to grow as a man.

    If this takes a year than so be it. Looking back i would rather have spent my last year training and getting better than as a self indulgent wanker being lied to and cheated on by a 40 year old whore.

    Trying to forget and move forward. Its not easy.
     
  13. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Day 6.

    Im pretty sure 6 is a bigger number than 5.

    Havent trained in a month. Just did 105 push ups in a row...on little sleep and more drunk. All my muscles feel full and hard. My balls are fking huge like each the size of a large chicken egg...

    Fkin acne...im 34 so fuck off. God do i hate it.

    So i kinda partied with an old friend last night. Known him fir 15 years probably. Him and his brother but his brother is autistic. We got into a scrap lol (me and my friend not his brother lollll). Car wouldnt start so i kinda fixed that...very kinda...POS wont run properly. His woman picked his ass up...i thi k shes warming to me.

    My buddy is like 10 years older than me. His wife is about 3 months pregnant. Im legit real happy for this guy. Hes always been the friend i need

    Not the one i deserve...or some batman shit.

    Hes a good egg.
     
  14. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    I have these marathons as well, but usually around 4-9 hours long. When I edge, the panic attacks always come a few hours after my binge is over. I then feel like hell for a few days afterward till about day 10 when I'm feeling back to normal and entertaining porn again. It's a viscious cycle. The longest I've gone from porn or pmo was 24/25 days. That's been about 15 years now. Hate this garbage. Need to get out of it.
     
  15. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    you edge and fap with pharmacological help? Cuz its totally different than regular fapping. In fact there should be a section just for the real deviants...


    Shit...4 hours is a warm up. Not proud of it or nothin...besides...at least its not Meth. The higher you are the farther you fall. The longer you walk...the farther you crawl.

    Bro...honestly i wanna reach through the internet and throttle you. I went 7 months and i only fapped after my gf left and we had sex every waking moment.

    But you people have got to get past 90 days preferably 180 days...i see journals 50 pages long and the dude is stoked cuz hes at day 10 or some silly number. How many times did you fuck up boy?? With NO drugs? Fucking bunch of pussy ass albino niggers.

    The japanese knew what will power was...you all gonna prove me wrong?
     
  16. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Major snow storm where i live. I went out to get a 12 at 7 am (yeah fuck you). Walked into the grocery store grabbed my booze up to the counter and i see some fat faggot looking back at me. The same fat faggot that changed the prices last night AS i was buying my shit.

    Like imagine a faggot ok...now imagine hes 5'8 and 279 lbs. So hes a faggot and hes fat. And short. And ugly. Now imagine me not looking at his fat faggotyness or talking to his bitch faggot face. Booze. Change. Gone.

    Faggot.

    I dunno but ive become much more aggressive and hostile in the last few days.

    My little cousin works at a store nearby. I went to buy a can opener...god i gave her so much shit lol...she bitched about walking in the snow. I told her the German army marched 40 clicks a day with pack and gear. She looked at me to see if i was joking. I said shed make a crap soldier. Too small and weak. Then i left.
     
  17. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    I'm really loving your blunt nature on this board, it really helps put things in perspective. So you mention you went 7 months without pmo or porn before. Did you notice a big difference in how you felt? I notice that you mention dopamine and other neurotransmitters could be to blame for how you were feeling. After months sober from pmo, did you feel any better? Gonna keep following you man, you're a breath of fresh air. I'm going to prove you wrong brother! 10/15/20 days is petty shit. I want months. I want freedom. I want OUT. Keep beating me up on here, I need it. I need to wake the hell up!
     
  18. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    we all need it from time to time. And do prove me wrong. One less person wanking to pixels and one more person maybe turning into a man.

    After 7 months hell fuck ya i felt better. Would have been even better better if other shit in my life was rolling proper. i had a shit storm of personal and financial problems hounding me. What held me together was lifting and training. I was also never plagued with physical problems so i could just keep getting stronger tho in retrosoect i maybe should have been looking for a job...

    Its neurotransmitters...but its more than that i think. When you can walk around with your head held high and women are checking you out and smiling and you can talk to people...does wonders for your self esteem and sense of personal value. That is at the core of this and why this horrible shit problem just lays us low so often. Many dont cant or wont get up and thats really sad. Good men swallowed by this disease.

    I think making shit illegal is stupid but porn should be illegal. It hurts us in ways no one sees. Worse than drugs. Worse than a lot of things IMO.

    Stay strong brother.
     
  19. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Gawwwwwd damn...

    Best sex dream in ages a few hours ago. this chick was so hot she'd melt the chrome off a bumper. Wet and willing horny little nypho.

    I was close to cumming in the dream i woke and my dick was steel and aching like hell.

    Now i know why they say "girl of your dreams"

    Fuck...
     
  20. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Sex dreams can be a beast.
     

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