I want to stop the lies! I am a married man that is not giving his due to his wife who deserves better! I have been watching porn and masturbating for 43 years. I have tried to stop several times, even going fap and porn free for aalong tme only to return to this disgusting habit. I am tired of being held prisoner and am nearly ready to give up. I started out just like any other teenage boy at 13. I started noticing how pretty girls were, but was too bashful to ever talk to any of them. Instead I discovered faping thanks to my older brother's. They would bring home magazines at first, then later when VCR's came out, full length porn movies. Of course they let me watch them because they were to high to care. Also around the same time I discovered that I had a fetish for women in pantyhose. I think one of my brothers also had the same fetish because his magazines highlighted pantyhose clad women. As the went on my bashfulness never went away despite the fact that everyone told me I was handsome, even girls. I would just turn red when they told me and walk away. This continued until I turned 25 when I met the most beautiful girl in the world. She was everything I ever wanted, and she was fine with my fetish. There was no longer a need to fap to porn so I thought. What I didn't say is that she was married to someone at the time. She and I loved each other and she was my first. I still love her today and I always will. Yes I know how wrong it was, but it felt right at the time. Around the same time we met I started to learn about God and I started to get involved in a Christian religion, got baptized, and to this day I still practice that religion. Anyway, my habit was under control during my relationship with this woman. Well as I became more and more involved in spiritual things our physical relationship ended as it should. Unfortunately, my habit returned since I had no one to act out my fantasies with. And it got worse, especially with the internet. Living alone I had plenty of time to surf the web for pictures and eventually free movies that fulfilled my fetish. These became the worst years (from 35-40). Then at 40 I met the woman I would marry. Well she seemed to be ok with my fetish but she just doesnt get it really. So of course I get my so called satisfaction from porn. It disgusts me to think about where I'm at now. I don't know what the future holds but I will try everything in my power to quit my disgusting habit before I die!