56 year old Tired

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by John R, Jan 16, 2019.

  1. John R

    John R New Member

    I want to stop the lies!
    I am a married man that is not giving his due to his wife who deserves better! I have been watching porn and masturbating for 43 years. I have tried to stop several times, even going fap and porn free for aalong tme only to return to this disgusting habit. I am tired of being held prisoner and am nearly ready to give up.
    I started out just like any other teenage boy at 13. I started noticing how pretty girls were, but was too bashful to ever talk to any of them. Instead I discovered faping thanks to my older brother's. They would bring home magazines at first, then later when VCR's came out, full length porn movies. Of course they let me watch them because they were to high to care. Also around the same time I discovered that I had a fetish for women in pantyhose. I think one of my brothers also had the same fetish because his magazines highlighted pantyhose clad women. As the went on my bashfulness never went away despite the fact that everyone told me I was handsome, even girls. I would just turn red when they told me and walk away. This continued until I turned 25 when I met the most beautiful girl in the world. She was everything I ever wanted, and she was fine with my fetish. There was no longer a need to fap to porn so I thought. What I didn't say is that she was married to someone at the time. She and I loved each other and she was my first. I still love her today and I always will. Yes I know how wrong it was, but it felt right at the time.
    Around the same time we met I started to learn about God and I started to get involved in a Christian religion, got baptized, and to this day I still practice that religion. Anyway, my habit was under control during my relationship with this woman.
    Well as I became more and more involved in spiritual things our physical relationship ended as it should. Unfortunately, my habit returned since I had no one to act out my fantasies with. And it got worse, especially with the internet. Living alone I had plenty of time to surf the web for pictures and eventually free movies that fulfilled my fetish. These became the worst years (from 35-40). Then at 40 I met the woman I would marry. Well she seemed to be ok with my fetish but she just doesnt get it really. So of course I get my so called satisfaction from porn. It disgusts me to think about where I'm at now. I don't know what the future holds but I will try everything in my power to quit my disgusting habit before I die!
     
  2. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey John R, welcome to the forum:) All of your thoughts are welcome here - and from my perspective, this includes the good, the bad, and the ugly. Keep on posting, and take the time to read through others journals. While our paths to get here may be quiet different, we all share in the same goal:)
     
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  3. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Welcome, @John R !

    First, it's important, I believe, not to be too hard on yourself. Remember that, just because you have desires and habits you find disgusting doesn't make you disgusting. Healthy self-esteem (and I'm working on this, too) is difficult to obtain, but essential to have if one is going to make such big changes in their lives and attitudes. What helps me is to remember that, at any given moment, I can choose a different path. I have control over that. That choice doesn't change the past. It doesn't have to. It changes the present, and, hopefully, the future.

    The brain, even at our age, is plastic. It can change. We can change it. Just by making those moment to moment choices.

    I myself am only 10 weeks or so along this journey, but, already, my preferences and habits have changed substantially. I'm not 'cured' yet, but I'm getting better all the time.

    Stick with it, don't beat yourself up, and you will too.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2019
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  4. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Welcome aboard John R. I think you will find this a positive experience at least I hope so. There are no leaders here just regular guys.
     
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  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I've done a lot of lying in my life. Cheated on my wife twice (got caught out), had online sex all the time, etc, etc. But, I've forgiven myself. After being clean for 2.5 years I am no longer that person. It's amazing how we can just drop the old habits like a bag of rocks.

    First and foremost: YOU deserve better. This our journey and when we treat ourselves right, we treat others right, as well.

    Great to have you aboard!
     
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  6. John R

    John R New Member

    Thanks
     
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're welcome! Keep posting, my friend.
     
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  8. John R

    John R New Member

    It's Monday! Baby steps I guess. I have been in the house all weekend due to being sick. This has not always been the best circumstances for avoiding porn. Chronic Bronchitis eans I sleep downstairs on the recliner alone with my tablet and cell phone. Friday was okay, the usual YouTube search for pantyhose then I fell asleep due to meds. Saturday ok during the day, then my wife went to bed. Late night PMO and it felt good I'm now sorry to say. Sunday was a day to watch two sorry football games alone. I did okay though. No porn Sunday. Today is an off day for me but still sick. I'm not sure how it will go, I will let you know...
     
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It feels good at the time, but does it add value to your life? I know you know the answer to that, which is "of course it doesn't." It's easy to feel sorry for ourselves when we are sick, or had a fight with the wife, or whatever....we've all been down that road. Not caving when the addict tells us to is also a high, and one that gives tremendous value to our day. Take your phone and tablet and put them elsewhere in the house, that would be my suggestion.
     
  10. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    I find sickness to be very triggering, especially in the day or two before symptoms hit. It's like the addict is tuned into your body (does it register the immune response?). Wouldn't be surprised either if pmo-ing prolongs illness, from my own experience.
     
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  11. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Absolutely. Anything to hinder an impulse
     
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