5 years later and I'm back for another try

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ProdigalMan, Mar 26, 2018.

  1. ProdigalMan

    ProdigalMan New Member

    Well, I'm back.

    I walked this road back in 2013 and had some partial success. I posted in 'My Great Awakening' in the 30-39 age group under thebraniac and Gideon35. It's hard to believe that 5 years have already passed since my first visit here; it's making me sick actually. I've lost so much time and so much purpose. Life has been hard on me since then mostly because I've been unable to kick this damn thing. Recently it seems that the addiction has taken a hold of me like a brush fire with a renewed sense of anger. My last post on this form was back in July 2015 when I posted this:

    102 days of constant failure. Demons. Torment. Life changes in the midst of an ocean of loneliness. The world outside my window has never been so bleak and void of purpose, so I stay inside where I'm safe from challenges that cause me to grow. A life wasted drowns in a lake of sorrow and regrets. Relationships lost in years gone by. A wife that never said 'I do', children that never were born. Depression and misery are my friends, hope and fulfillment my enemies. The sun shines brightly, but I feel cold. Above it all, the Almighty looks down on every secret yet remains silent. Where will my help come from?

    In many ways I have accepted my fate and just gave up. Circumstances have driven me to a small town where I don't fit in and where I have no friends and no support. I lead a miserable, bleak life void of any hope or purpose. I'm stuck. The one good thing about my life is my job - I have a great job that pays well. But I hate it because I am running on empty.

    When I think back to when I did the best, I remember that I spent hours on this forum reading success stories and participated in the conversations. I also made an effort to fill my mind and my heart with motivational subject matter and I worked out frequently. I prayed more. My personal best was 107 days but I pissed it away when my new girlfriend dumped me. That bitch. She wasn't actually a good girl for me, but she came into my life at the wrong time. Anyways.

    What would really help me is to confide in a real person. Someone that I can trust and that I can talk to, especially when I know I'm about to relapse. But I don't know such a person and I'm too embarrassed to open up about it. So I'm trapped in my addiction, because darkness is what keeps it strong.

    The past is gone, and I'm 40 years old. What a waste, eh? Who starts life at this age? It's just depressing. But whatever is left, must be better than what has passed. So I must try again. If I come at the end of my life and this has all been a failure, I should at least be able to say that I kept trying. So here's to another kick at the can.
  2. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Hi Prodigalman and welcome back, the first paragraph you wrote could of been written by me, scary how long we are active functioning addicts before we quit.Your 40 i'm 43 but many of the men on here are older and if they can do it and have better lives then so can we,good luck and keep posting.
  3. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    Yes, it's awfully depressing to have reached the fourth decade of our lives and still feel like things haven't worked out how we wanted and that our best years are behind us. It's downright frightening. But it's the truth and we have to embrace reality and then deal with it. Sure, the reality feels painful but it's better to accept and reflect on that pain than to give in or ignore it. We need to accept responsibility for the way our lives have turned out. Forget about what happened with that girl. Use the pain as a signal that something needs to change. You have a decent career/well paid job and that counts for a lot, but ultimately that won't be enough to satisfy you in the long term. What really matters is who you become as a person. When you think back to that time when you were doing pretty well (journaling, praying, working out etc) surely being in that place was a lot better than how you feel right now. So as hard as it may be, you need to regain that focus and start again. Making progress is what keeps us excited, part of you wants to improve, otherwise you wouldn't be back here.
    Libertad and Saville like this.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Rapha basically nails it.

    We are responsible for our own healing, no excuses, no one to blame. There are positives in your life, your job being one of them. Welcome back. I hope to see lots of you over the coming weeks. Your journey, right now, is the only one that counts.
  5. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I'm 44 and more capable a human being than at any other time in my life, in large part due to quitting PMO. It's 100% worth it...at any age.
    Libertad likes this.
  6. ProdigalMan

    ProdigalMan New Member

    Thank you all for the responses. That's what I used to like about this forum: the fact that there is always someone going through the same struggles to help pick you up. Much appreciated.

    I put my money were my mouth is. I got up early this morning and got a gym membership and started working out again. It'll be a long road but I won't get anywhere without taking that first step. In many ways I feel like I've lost a lot of knowledge about the process of quitting, so I'll have to brush up on everything again.
    40New30 and dig deep like this.
  7. ProdigalMan

    ProdigalMan New Member

    My habit is to indulge before bed time. Sometimes it only takes half an hour but most times it lasts an hour or even more. I need to institute a rule not to have any laptops in my bedroom, ever. Making up these little rules is quite easy when you just start your reboot, but I know from experience that you can pretty easily break those rules when the desire really hits you. I need to have a plan in place for when that happens, but haven't thought of anything good yet.

    Second day at the gym today. I'm really sore.
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Collectively these add up into years of edging and fapping. Yep, a total waste. We've all been there, done that and got the ugly t-shirt.

    Be austere and don't allow any excuses. Take cold showers, walks, or yell at the sky...whatever it takes.

    Two days at the gym is awesome!
    40New30 and Boxer17 like this.
  9. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    Good call on getting back to the gym. I've managed to get a nice little consistent streak going (3/4 workouts per week) and I feel a whole lot better for it. Are you doing cardio or weight training? If you're doing weights, look into something called 'progressive overload'. It basically means each time you go back to the gym you're pushing yourself a try bit harder, i.e. it could be doing an extra rep or increasing the weight slightly. That's the best way to make gains. Of course, it helps massively if you can nail your diet too.

    As for your habit, at least you've kind of identified the time when you're most vulnerable. How about trying something different every time you feel triggered. Close your laptop, take 5 deep breaths, pace up and down or go for a walk. Or if that doesn't work, try calling a friend or family member on the phone. The communication/connection with another person could prove useful. Or you could take a cold shower like Saville suggested (couldn't face doing that personally, lol)
  10. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Getting of the house or calling someone is the best plan, hand's down. Remove yourself from the situation. +1
  11. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    Welcome back!! You will find lots of help and encouragement here.

    First off, lots of people feel like they wasted the first 40 years of their lives. Lots of people start over at that age. Divorce and remarriage, career changes, adding or losing family members, illnesses--there's just tons of circumstances that can cause people to need to start over at that age. Sometimes it's because of our own mistakes. Sometimes we just decide we want to make a change. It's plenty young to move to a new place, start a new career, get married, and have kids. None of those doors are closed to you.

    You probably have at least 40 years more to go, so you've now discovered how you don't want to spend those 40 years. Now with that experience behind you, decide how you do want to spend that time.

    A couple of thoughts -- even if your job is great, if you're in a dead end town and don't like it, don't have friends, then if you want to you can make a new dream, move away and start a new job you might like even better. Or maybe in your new place your job will be so-so but other things about your life there will make you glad you made the change.

    Do you have to have a computer at your house for your work? If it is just for entertainment, then you can get rid of it or take it to work and leave it there. I do need to do some of my work at home at times and I enjoy watching movies and things, but I decided to load the computer up with filters and timers and things so that it's hard for me to access porn at home. It has really helped me a lot to reduce the accesibility.

    Most of all, I would suggest you're on the right path looking at the good things you want to ADD to your life, like fitness, and not just the things you want to SUBTRACT. Keep on exploring what kinds of interesting things you want to be part of your new life. And I imagine as you start to build this new life that is more fun and interesting for you, you will also become a more interesting and attractive guy for some girl out there, maybe the one you've been looking for.

    I am turning 50 this year and will tell you that my late 40's have so far been the best time of my life. All the pieces are finally starting to click together. I am ashamed that at this late date I still have such struggles with PMO, but damn it I am just not going to let that stop me from living a good life. And over the past few months, I've started to find the tools and willpower I need to get PMO under control. I know you can do that too.

    Bless you on your journey.
    Libertad likes this.
  12. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Well I'm 52, I think, I stopped counting, but I am counting days not using porn :). Welcome back. I started 2016 on and off and I guess you could say I am perpetual rebooting. The great thing is, is that we are here and trying. That should be a pat on all our backs. We acknowledge our error and we are all trying to set things right.

    Set your counter to zero and watch it grow :)
    40New30 and Squire like this.

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