Well, I'm back. I walked this road back in 2013 and had some partial success. I posted in 'My Great Awakening' in the 30-39 age group under thebraniac and Gideon35. It's hard to believe that 5 years have already passed since my first visit here; it's making me sick actually. I've lost so much time and so much purpose. Life has been hard on me since then mostly because I've been unable to kick this damn thing. Recently it seems that the addiction has taken a hold of me like a brush fire with a renewed sense of anger. My last post on this form was back in July 2015 when I posted this: 102 days of constant failure. Demons. Torment. Life changes in the midst of an ocean of loneliness. The world outside my window has never been so bleak and void of purpose, so I stay inside where I'm safe from challenges that cause me to grow. A life wasted drowns in a lake of sorrow and regrets. Relationships lost in years gone by. A wife that never said 'I do', children that never were born. Depression and misery are my friends, hope and fulfillment my enemies. The sun shines brightly, but I feel cold. Above it all, the Almighty looks down on every secret yet remains silent. Where will my help come from? In many ways I have accepted my fate and just gave up. Circumstances have driven me to a small town where I don't fit in and where I have no friends and no support. I lead a miserable, bleak life void of any hope or purpose. I'm stuck. The one good thing about my life is my job - I have a great job that pays well. But I hate it because I am running on empty. When I think back to when I did the best, I remember that I spent hours on this forum reading success stories and participated in the conversations. I also made an effort to fill my mind and my heart with motivational subject matter and I worked out frequently. I prayed more. My personal best was 107 days but I pissed it away when my new girlfriend dumped me. That bitch. She wasn't actually a good girl for me, but she came into my life at the wrong time. Anyways. What would really help me is to confide in a real person. Someone that I can trust and that I can talk to, especially when I know I'm about to relapse. But I don't know such a person and I'm too embarrassed to open up about it. So I'm trapped in my addiction, because darkness is what keeps it strong. The past is gone, and I'm 40 years old. What a waste, eh? Who starts life at this age? It's just depressing. But whatever is left, must be better than what has passed. So I must try again. If I come at the end of my life and this has all been a failure, I should at least be able to say that I kept trying. So here's to another kick at the can.