I somehow stumbled on this site. I am so glad for the format. I need someplace to get all of this out and find some accountability. I am 47 and have been looking at hardcore porn for well over 35 years. I grew up in a very religous family as the odd person out middle child. Love was not something I really felt from my parents. The overwhelming emotion in my life has been anxiety. Even when I was in elementary school, I was extremely anxious. I never felt safe. My brother and I found our dad's playboys and some swinger's magazines. Nothing too hard, but I really remember loving to look at them. The real change came in middle school when a friend let me borrow a porn tape. I still remember then feeling when I saw it. It was the most powerful high, I actually turned it off almost immediately because my heart was beating so rapidly. I was hooked by then. By the time I graduated high school I had a very large porn collection. I had even decided to film myself, which my parents found. When I was in my 20s and high speed internet became a thing, my collection just grew. I found myself downloading everything even if I really wasn't into it, just because i didn't feel anxious, just focused on the porn. I ended up marrying a very religious woman who was a virgin. It was a disaster from day 1. Our first time was horrible, she was mad that I didn't think her virginity was the "ultimate gift" and so I turned to porn to "get me through". We were married for 17 years before I left. It was not a good marriage on any level. She hid she was bipolar, which she self medicated with alcohol. I was busy having affairs. Single life was full of dating and sex. It was about 2 years into my dating life, around lockdown, that I realized I had become one of those "fuckboys" who didn't give a shit about who they were dating. I vowed to change that. I ended up finding an amazing, loving woman. We are 3 years in, live together, and are engaged. I now have 2 amazing stepkids and a great life. But I am still struggling with porn. I will go down into my "mancave" to play music or a game and at the slightest desire, I am watching porn. Most of the time it is stuff I don't like in real life and it seems to become more extreme. I feel numb and I am moody afterward. The porn will stop my anxiety when I partake in it but come back with a vengeance after I PMO. I own my own business and work from home. I don't have a boss who I have to show I am working. I find myself on many typical work days feeling anxiety, so I goto my cave and watch porn. After I am done I have still not done work and now feel worse about myself. The past month my anxiety has gotten to the point I am back on some meds and I have finally started going back to a therapist who specializes in addiction. I did let him know about my porn issue (something I hadn't told my other therapist). He didn't call me a pervert or tell me I am not an addict. He was very supportive and is helping me identify tools and techniques to handle my anxiety in healthy ways. My longest streak was about 4 months. I had a clear head, low/no anxiety, and was motivated. I am looking at this forum as a place I can be honest and be held accountable. Right now though I posting on this forum, I don't feel good about quiting. I really want to go to my other room and watch porn. This post is probably a lot longer than it needs to be, but it is delaying me while I try to let the urge pass. Thank you everyone for being so supportive here.
Yesterday started really shitty. My anxiety was present, though it wasn't the worst I have dealt with in the past two week. I just tried to stay busy. Fortunately I had dinner and a movie out with my brother. He knows I am struggling but really didn't talk about it. It was honestly refreshing to talk about other things than my anxiety and my work. When I came home my fiance (R) and step son (X) were downstairs playing a video game with the dogs hanging out. I felt really good to come home to them. It was very relaxing. I took a shower and took my sleeping pill (first time in months) and listened to my book. Day 1 in the books and I got through my urges. I slept in a bit this morning and was more motivated today.
I have a similar mancave type area. No distractions leads to Opportunity which leads to PMO. What about getting rid of man cave and make it a family movie room or something?
