47 ready for a new life.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by fenderwise, Jul 31, 2023.

  1. fenderwise

    fenderwise New Member

    I somehow stumbled on this site. I am so glad for the format. I need someplace to get all of this out and find some accountability.

    I am 47 and have been looking at hardcore porn for well over 35 years. I grew up in a very religous family as the odd person out middle child. Love was not something I really felt from my parents. The overwhelming emotion in my life has been anxiety. Even when I was in elementary school, I was extremely anxious. I never felt safe.

    My brother and I found our dad's playboys and some swinger's magazines. Nothing too hard, but I really remember loving to look at them. The real change came in middle school when a friend let me borrow a porn tape. I still remember then feeling when I saw it. It was the most powerful high, I actually turned it off almost immediately because my heart was beating so rapidly. I was hooked by then. By the time I graduated high school I had a very large porn collection. I had even decided to film myself, which my parents found. When I was in my 20s and high speed internet became a thing, my collection just grew. I found myself downloading everything even if I really wasn't into it, just because i didn't feel anxious, just focused on the porn.

    I ended up marrying a very religious woman who was a virgin. It was a disaster from day 1. Our first time was horrible, she was mad that I didn't think her virginity was the "ultimate gift" and so I turned to porn to "get me through". We were married for 17 years before I left. It was not a good marriage on any level. She hid she was bipolar, which she self medicated with alcohol. I was busy having affairs.

    Single life was full of dating and sex. It was about 2 years into my dating life, around lockdown, that I realized I had become one of those "fuckboys" who didn't give a shit about who they were dating. I vowed to change that. I ended up finding an amazing, loving woman. We are 3 years in, live together, and are engaged. I now have 2 amazing stepkids and a great life. But I am still struggling with porn.

    I will go down into my "mancave" to play music or a game and at the slightest desire, I am watching porn. Most of the time it is stuff I don't like in real life and it seems to become more extreme. I feel numb and I am moody afterward. The porn will stop my anxiety when I partake in it but come back with a vengeance after I PMO.

    I own my own business and work from home. I don't have a boss who I have to show I am working. I find myself on many typical work days feeling anxiety, so I goto my cave and watch porn. After I am done I have still not done work and now feel worse about myself. The past month my anxiety has gotten to the point I am back on some meds and I have finally started going back to a therapist who specializes in addiction. I did let him know about my porn issue (something I hadn't told my other therapist). He didn't call me a pervert or tell me I am not an addict. He was very supportive and is helping me identify tools and techniques to handle my anxiety in healthy ways.

    My longest streak was about 4 months. I had a clear head, low/no anxiety, and was motivated. I am looking at this forum as a place I can be honest and be held accountable. Right now though I posting on this forum, I don't feel good about quiting. I really want to go to my other room and watch porn. This post is probably a lot longer than it needs to be, but it is delaying me while I try to let the urge pass.

    Thank you everyone for being so supportive here.
  2. fenderwise

    fenderwise New Member

    Yesterday started really shitty. My anxiety was present, though it wasn't the worst I have dealt with in the past two week. I just tried to stay busy. Fortunately I had dinner and a movie out with my brother. He knows I am struggling but really didn't talk about it. It was honestly refreshing to talk about other things than my anxiety and my work. When I came home my fiance (R) and step son (X) were downstairs playing a video game with the dogs hanging out. I felt really good to come home to them. It was very relaxing. I took a shower and took my sleeping pill (first time in months) and listened to my book. Day 1 in the books and I got through my urges.

    I slept in a bit this morning and was more motivated today.
    Saville likes this.
  3. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    I have a similar mancave type area. No distractions leads to Opportunity which leads to PMO. What about getting rid of man cave and make it a family movie room or something?

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