41 and never realized it was this bad!

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ResetMe, Jul 26, 2015.

  1. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Hi Fiddler,

    I don't think my problem is PIV. I feel it's strictly performance anxiety. Even oral did'nt help after I lost it. I did see the PC thread and have tried working on conditioning that, I'm not sure if it's a problem or not but figured it could not hurt. What seems to help me the most is just taking it slow, and trying not to put any pressure on my self. I'm already seeing that I can stay hard a long time without fantasy. This morning my GF and I were making out and we did a lot of touching of each other at the same time. I must have been rock solid for at least 30-45 min. I'm just going to keep this up, so I can train my mind to remember that I can do this. I know it sounds silly, but as we know our mind works in really funny ways. I'm getting to the point where I'll get hard for touching her, and I've been trying to get her to touch me more, as it seems to have an effect.

    I think I just need to keep at it with her, and keep staying away from porn. Keep teaching myself that if I want to O then I better be able to get hard and stay hard. I have a beautiful GF, she loves, desires, and wants to satisfy me. And is usually available for me. That all I need. So all I need to do is perform...... Should not be that hard, right? I am seeing a big difference from where I was 6 months ago. At that time I could barely stay hard from porn, and from what I recall I would loose it shortly once I stopped viewing and escalating. And that was a good day.... Now I can stay hard for at least 30 min, fast and hard sex makes me shoot quick, and slow and steady makes her feel fantastic. I'm just missing being able to consistently perform on demand. Once I have that I will call this reboot complete and success.

    Good luck, and keep at it. You will be rewarded.
  2. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Yes, I meant performance anxiety when PIV, as in that case we as men are supposed to perform well or the act won't be even possible. I'm 100% like you, cuddling and touching and I'm rock hard, oral I'm mostly ok but when trying to penetrate I often fail. I am of the opinion that once we have left PMO behind for enough time, ED are due to either the PC muscle, stressed out after years of forcing masturbation even when we weren't hard, and performance anxiety. Or both.

    I've seen a lot of progresses too with my girl, 6 months ago I wouldn't even try to PIV as I felt that I would lose the erection very quickly. Now I manage to, occasionally. Did you speak with her about these issues? I didn't early enough and my girl was thinking that I wasn't that attracted to her and that she wasn't doing the right things to make me happy in bed. Both false, obviously. It is important to let her know that it's not her.
  3. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    I didn't do much force masturbation when no hard. There were probably a few times I lost hardness while masturbating. I think I may have finished a couple times, and sometimes I just stopped. I am trying to stay relaxed as she gives me a hand job. Right now we are just continuing the re-wiring. She's aware of my condition. We spoke about it very early on so she understands that it's not her, she realized how much I'm attracted to her. Even if I cant stay hard I enjoy spending time on her body and making her feel good. Like many others have said, sex is very different for women. It's not just about PIV. She enjoys the cuddling, kissing, caressing, ect.... I don't just simply give up on her because I'm not gonna o.
  4. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Fiddler, are you still around?

    I think I've come to the realization that I don't know how to have a erection from just physical stimulation. I attempted to do some of the pc conditioning and I could not get an erection. I tried it one other time before and was not successful and didn't come to this realization until now. For the last 30 years my erections pretty much all came from visual stimulation or fantasy. Visual 2D or 3D, and fantasy, such as visualizing porn in my head, could be totally made up, or fantasying to someone I know or saw, Looking at nudie pics, watching porn, reading erotic stories. Ect...

    So I'm starting to think that when I make out, or touch my GF I'm having subliminal thoughts that cause my erection. I'm also thinking back to an event where I was being manually stimulated by an attractive female and I was totally limp the whole time (Way before I realized I had any issues) The only time I've ever obtain erections just just physical (as far as I know) have been when I was asleep. Not going to go into details to avoid triggers for anyone, but it was all consensual by me.

    So thinking about my recent failed attempts to regain an erection after loss, since I'm trying to block out all fantasy, I'm relying on just physical stimulation. The only part that does not make sense is that during these times my gf is in a very appealing state.... Maybe at the time I'm thinking about the issue too much and it's not helping.

    I'm starting to think I need to learn how to have erections from just physical touch....
  5. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Yeah, I'm here every day. Your description sounds exactly like my life: always an erection connected to some visual stimuli. Physical stimulation was only a way to mantain an erection previously obtained by watching something appealing to my eyes. I think last time I managed to have an erection just by touch was when I was a kid, around 20 years ago!

    I'm sort of able to cause an erection with the pc conditioning. Not always and it's never very hard, more like 50-60% of the possible "hardness". It also goes away very quickly if I stop, mere seconds.

    If it may help you understanding, I recently had sex with my gf and I was very hard since the beginning and till she orgasmed (around half an hour). So not bad. Thing is, I went soft after her orgasm and I could finish myself only with masturbation. Somehow my brain got excited by her excitement and when that went away, I lost mine too. Also it didn't help that she tried to make me come to "make me happy", as I felt like it was my duty and not my pleasure to come. Performance anxiety ensued, basically.

    My opinion at the moment is that we have a stressed out pc muscle that needs to be kept relaxed as much as possible in order to heal AND some performance anxiety, which vary from case to case. For the former, you know the drill, for the latter I advise you to meditate.
  6. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Okay, here we are. The good and the bad. Let's start with the good. I've been really busy lately. And I have not thought much about porn or sex, which is a great thing. Occasionally I'll notice someone that I really want to check out. I'll usually just appreciate the view and move on quickly. Unless I think about not checking out women I don't have a hard time thinking about what I'm missing. So that's a great improvement. I've been doing a lot of long drives, guess what I used to do to stay awake on long drives? Glad to report I no longer need to do that, and I don't have urges to fantasize while I'm driving. I even drive past places that would be a huge trigger for specific reasons, guess what. I don't think about it at all, not until now when I was just thinking about not thinking about it. Morning wood report, yeah, all the time! And sometimes I'll try to keep track of how long it stays. So far I know it can last at least 10 minutes before I pee, or at least 10 minutes after I pee if I rub it. So why do I rub it? k, now for the bad....

    I've been thinking about the PC conditioning, so I'm gonna give it a try. So as expected, just touch alone, I cant get hard. Here's what I notice though. After touching for a while I give up. However I'm noticing that dick is not dead. I'm tingly and I want to MO. But I'm not gonna give in and start fantasizing or death grip it. Even 20 min after the rubbing I'm still horny as hell. But no response. Just going to leave it. Will need to keep up the conditioning once in a while. I think this is the same thing going on when my GF tries to rub or suck after I loose it. So hoping conditioning will help.

    Okay, lets end on some more good. Sexual or no sexual touching of GF often springs me to life. We usually don't have the time to do anything about it. And at this point I don't know if I can actually perform, it's still been hit and miss... Going to keep encouraging the GF to keep touching me when I'm hard, even if we know we cant do anything about it. Think this should help me wire to her touch. So far so go, have not lost it with her touch. Also going to encourage her to make me hard by touch given an opportunity. I think I need to do lots of wiring with her. Thoughts of her also give me an erection quickly, but I try not to do that. Want to achieve by touch and the moment, don't want to need to fantasize.

    Gonna keep on trying, because there is no other option!
  7. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Another failed attempt..... Everything was good while we were making out. Got her naked and gave her oral for a while, then I lost it and could not get it back..... So frustrating.... I just don't understand why I loose it when I please her first. It's not that I don't enjoy doing that.... It's been a while and I was really wanting it tonight!
  8. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Damn man, I unfortunately know how frustrating that is :(

    Could it be that she becomes a little more passive after having been satisfied first? I know my girl does and I don't like it. I'm trying to separate the "oral time" from "penetration time" to prevent that.
  9. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    You probably have a point there Fiddler. She is actually pretty passive. So I think if I go for it right away I stay hard because it feels good. What I cant figure out is why I cant get hard again making out. From what I can remember she's about the same with that. And I cant figure out why I cant stay hard while giving her oral.... I mean most normal guys should be pretty hard having that right in your face... But then again I guess I'm not very normal right now....
  10. mikey23

    mikey23 New Member

    Hey resetme congrats on your journey. It sounds frustrating but it also seems that you are doing a lot better from when you started

    Maybe you should just go for it right away instead of pleasing her first ... then you can just do something that feels good together simultaneously. It's great that you want to make sure you're partner is satisfied but it's probably that same mindset that is causing the performance anxiety. You might be overly concerned on getting her off when piv that you're concentrating on that more then being mindful of how good it feels for you. Just a thought and I have the exact same issues although I am not as far on my road to recovery.

    Good luck you're doing great!
  11. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    I'm usually not hard when giving oral. But I get back the erection when making out again. I have no clue whether this is normal or not.
  12. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    @Freshstart, thanks. I have done that at times, just don't want to get in a habit of taking care of myself first. That does seem to work the best though so I might have to stick with that for a while. Good luck with your recovery, it's worth it to stay focused and accomplish what you want.

    @Fiddler, I just assumed that would make guys hard. I remember the first time I saw a real girl naked I was hard for the whole night. If I would have actually gotten to touch her I probably would have nearly O on the spot. But because of my choices I've desensitized myself to naked women....
  13. mikey23

    mikey23 New Member

    Hey resetme I don't think you should look at it as taking care of yourself first, maybe more like taking care of each other. I just think if the issues keep happening where you pleasure your gf first and have issues after it will take a hit on your confidence and won't be good for anyone. Maybe you can pleasure her after? If you don't think it was enough for her

    I'm glad your equipment works :) I think it's just the over thinking that messes you up (same thing with myself)
  14. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Pretty disappointed in my self... 240 days in and I decided to browse a couple picture sites for about 10 minutes. I actively chose to do it..... Been very busy lately, and so has my gf. And she has not been feeling tired so I've been giving her more time to rest. I'm trying to decide if I should reset my counter. I didn't MO, so I still have that. So how did I feel? Heart was pounding, very anxious I guess, tingling feeling but no erection. I avoided tightening my muscles to help, as I read the PC post and trying to learn to relax it. I think I'm having some progress on that, more on that later. Why did I even go there? Most the women on the sites are not very attractive to me. But it's one of the sites I used to go often, to look for the few hot ones I like. Actually it's not your typical porn. It's mostly regular women you would see on the streets, your neighbors. Just these women have a kinky side and they are not shy about it...

    So yesterday I got triggered.. One of the new neighbors next door. Not sure if she lives there or is the hot girlfriend of one of the guys. She's not the very shy type, one day a while back she was hanging out in their garage in a bikini.

    Trigger alert.....

    She came out to her garage while I was working on my car. Minding my own business. She saw me and smiles at me. She showing way too much because her cloths barely cover her, not something one should be wearing in public like that..... Here's the part that kills me. Did she want me to see her?? If not she had no reason to come out like that, she could have easily put a robe on, or something.... This is my messed up world that has become my prison. I've heard it before, these women are not dressed or undressed for me to see them. Maybe they are doing it for their bf, maybe it's for their own thrill.... I mean they would not be wearing so little if they didn't want some attention, right?? Later that evening I started thinking about all the incidents I've seen the last few months, how I didn't check the sites to see if these women were on there.... Then it got the better of me.

    Trigger over....

    Ok, time to refocus.
  15. youngandhealthy

    youngandhealthy New Member

    Just some perspective from a younger guy that I think you may find useful while thinking about your situation.

    First off, I'm 24 years old so you have some age on me. Why is this important? Well for starters, my testosterone levels SHOULD be higher than a man in his 40's such as yourself. However, after getting blood work done a month ago, my T levels were at 364 ng/dl.. not good. I'm within normal ranges but it's low-normal. Up until I started my reboot hardmode 45 days ago, I hadn't had a morning wood in god knows how long. So how does this pertain to you?

    I see that you have healthy morning wood at 100% that lasts for 10 minutes, correct? My doctor said it himself, morning wood is the best home testing you can do to check your testosterone levels. So you are clearly healthy in those regards, maybe even more so than myself.

    I've been able to fuck my girlfriend, hard as a rock erections for the past month or so. You seem to have a lot of trouble. I don't think it's related to porn man, I think you may just be overthinking this whole thing and be getting severe performance anxiety when it comes time to perform, thus it gets worse and worse. I think you should find a woman you love and have sex WITH her, not to her. Just relax when she decides she wants it and let it feel as natural as possible.
  16. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Hi Young, thanks for your perspective. I didn't realize that the morning wood was a testosterone indicator... Just when I was thinking I might be low and might get it check out next physical.. Yes, sometimes the morning wood last a long time. I'm not sure how long it usually last. I think my 10 minute comment might have been with I've tried working on my PC conditioning since I woke up with wood.

    My performance is very inconsistent... If I get in I can last a while, probably 10+ min, have not really timed it, but very hard.... I'm probably way over thinking things... My ex did a number on my during our divorce.... I think I am in love with my girlfriend... I've dated a few women after my divorce, and have not had these feelings for any of the other women.... Maybe my reboot is complete?? Maybe I'm just in a really messed up state right now. Prior to the reboot I don't think I had morning wood in a while... I had lots of sex with my ex up until our divorce... Maybe I just dont know how to make love, but only have sex..... I dont think my ex was never into making love...
  17. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Woke up with morning wood. And on my drive home tonight I started having another anxiety attack.. Actually I still have it now. I'm starting to think these last few attacks were from looking at the 1/2 naked women... I think I might be slightly depressed.. And thinking my performance issue might cause me to loose my gf.....

    Maybe my brain is just fucking with me.... Trying to stress me out so I will PMO??? PMO was one of my best stress reliefs when sex was not available.
  18. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    It happened to me in the past, some days I was very horny and then the next extremely anxious. It's probably related to chemicals rebalancing in the brain or, as you say, the brain is fucking with you :)
  19. ResetMe

    ResetMe Member

    Woke up with wood again... And I think I had another anxiety attack as I was driving home. Seems to be when I drive home after work the last couple of days...
  20. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    Just took my first NoFap cold shower.

    I didn't scream like a girl. What I heard come out of me was the blood-curdling scream of a 55 year old woman being brutally murdered.

    I survived.


Share This Page